Post by DarkKnight on Nov 4, 2012 23:19:09 GMT -5
It was midnight in the city of Lann, and the sky was shrouded by clouds, covering the sleepy town in a thick darkness. But not all was peace and quiet in this quaint little fishing village.
A stealthy figure emerged from the dark waters, silently climbing to shore and treading lightly on the planks of Lann’s pier. Taking cover behind some stacked crates, he bided his time. His eyes surveyed the village around him, watching for any signs of security. He checked his chronometer, wondering how much longer he had before...
A sudden clatter of footsteps forced him to recede further into the shadows. A troop of sentries followed by a long-haired man in a cape were marching to the docks, prying open wooden crates loaded with fish. The long-haired man stroked one of the fish with his fingers, almost covetously. “Have we received our ransom yet?” he asked a minion. “Has Sir Nall de Burgerac delivered to us the Dragon Diamonds we have demanded, in return for the release of his precious fish?”
“Not yet, Mr. Zoc,” the aide said. “But we have reason to believe it’s on its way. Supposedly, Sir Nall’s purchased every bottle of laxative on Caldor Isle and has shut himself in his bathroom with a carton of ‘Garfield’ books, so...”
“Yes, yes, thank you,” Zoc snapped, grimacing. “That’s a little more information than I really wanted to know.”
“Sorry, sir.”
“Oh, never mind. Just keep your eyes open. There may be trouble tonight.”
“Correction,” the shadowy figure said in a calm, suave voice as he stepped out of the shadows. “I can guarantee you that there will be trouble tonight.”
Zoc paled as he beheld the figure in front of him – a tall, dark man with shoulder-length black hair and wearing a dripping-wet tuxedo. The fishnapper and his men would have been tempted to laugh were it not for the miniature crossbow he held in his hand, the bolt aimed straight at Zoc’s heart.
“Who the devil are you?” snarled Zoc. “Did de Burgerac send you?”
“I’m not here to answer questions,” the tuxedo-clad mystery man said. “I’m here to secure the release of these fish to their rightful owners. You’re not going to be difficult about that, are you?”
The guards accompanying Zoc reached for their own crossbows, but the stranger urged them to stop. “My crossbow is trained directly at your boss’s heart. One move I don’t like, and your Mr. Zoc will be sleeping with the fishes.”
“You won’t get away with this, whoever you are,” Zoc snarled. “I have powerful friends, and they’ll make you suffer for this.”
“Do you now?” the stranger said, raising an eyebrow. “And what friends might those be?”
Before Zoc could answer, a slight movement at the corner of his eye caught his attention. He turned and fired his crossbow, the bolt striking one of Zoc’s henchmen in the chest. He toppled off the dock into the murky water below.
The rest of Zoc’s men now drew their own crossbows and began firing. The stranger ducked behind one of the crates of fish and reloaded his weapon. He fired again from cover, and a second man fell dead. But he was out of arrows, and the guards were closing in on him.
Reaching into the crate he was hiding behind, he withdrew two large fish, and as the guards came close, he struck at them with his icthyoid armaments, slapping them into senselessness. One particular guard was sturdier than the rest, and it took several strikes to stagger him. As the guard wobbled on his knees, the stranger belted him with one last blow. “Just for the halibut,” he said as the guard collapsed to the dock, unconscious.
The stranger looked around and saw that Zoc was fleeing. Dropping the fish, he began to chase after Zoc. Sensing he was being pursued, Zoc paused to take a dead guard’s crossbow and prepared to aim it at the stranger. With no convenient weapon handy, the stranger reached into another fish crate and produced a large swordfish. As Zoc took the time to sneer at the stranger before firing, the stranger hurled the swordfish at Zoc with all his might. The swordfish’s sharp bill bored through Zoc, and he collapsed to the dock.
“I don’t think you’ll be needing a sturgeon,” the stranger said ironically, eyeing Zoc’s corpse.
More of Zoc’s henchmen were closing in on him, and the stranger darted through the docks and into the village itself, crossbow bolts whizzing by him. Turning a corner suddenly, he hurled himself into an open window and listened carefully for the sounds of hot pursuit. Eventually, the sounds of footsteps outside faded, and the stranger relaxed.
He was suddenly aware of the beautiful young woman in the room with him, clad only in a white night dress. “Who are you?” she gasped, her blue eyes wide open. “What are you doing here?”
“Oh, just here for a little fishing trip,” he said, grinning at her. “And the name’s Nanza. Kyle Nanza.”
“You won’t find much fishing here these days. Not with that dreadful Zoc around.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about him if I were you,” Nanza said, grinning. “He won’t be carp-eying any more diems.”
The girl slowly began to smile. “Then we owe you a great debt, Mr. Nanza. But how can we possibly thank you?”
Nanza took the girl in his arms. “I can think of one way.”
“Oh, Kyle,” she replied before their lips met.
*****
The man of mystery
Always searching for women and wine
Spending his nights fighting villains
And shtooping women so fine
He’ll track down all the bad guys
And he’ll make them pay the price
But if you want to win him
You can’t just drink twice
The secret agent so smooth
And as stealthy as a cat
He celebrates each victory
By drinking ‘till he’s blind as a bat
Danger is his three-course-meal
And he uses lots of spice
But how can you win his heart if
You only drink twice?
When peril raises its head
He confronts it without any fear
He can sweep any girl off her feet
And drink twice his own weight in beer
He’s the kind of guy we need
In a world that ain’t so nice
But you’ll never win his heart if
You only drink twice!
A stealthy figure emerged from the dark waters, silently climbing to shore and treading lightly on the planks of Lann’s pier. Taking cover behind some stacked crates, he bided his time. His eyes surveyed the village around him, watching for any signs of security. He checked his chronometer, wondering how much longer he had before...
A sudden clatter of footsteps forced him to recede further into the shadows. A troop of sentries followed by a long-haired man in a cape were marching to the docks, prying open wooden crates loaded with fish. The long-haired man stroked one of the fish with his fingers, almost covetously. “Have we received our ransom yet?” he asked a minion. “Has Sir Nall de Burgerac delivered to us the Dragon Diamonds we have demanded, in return for the release of his precious fish?”
“Not yet, Mr. Zoc,” the aide said. “But we have reason to believe it’s on its way. Supposedly, Sir Nall’s purchased every bottle of laxative on Caldor Isle and has shut himself in his bathroom with a carton of ‘Garfield’ books, so...”
“Yes, yes, thank you,” Zoc snapped, grimacing. “That’s a little more information than I really wanted to know.”
“Sorry, sir.”
“Oh, never mind. Just keep your eyes open. There may be trouble tonight.”
“Correction,” the shadowy figure said in a calm, suave voice as he stepped out of the shadows. “I can guarantee you that there will be trouble tonight.”
Zoc paled as he beheld the figure in front of him – a tall, dark man with shoulder-length black hair and wearing a dripping-wet tuxedo. The fishnapper and his men would have been tempted to laugh were it not for the miniature crossbow he held in his hand, the bolt aimed straight at Zoc’s heart.
“Who the devil are you?” snarled Zoc. “Did de Burgerac send you?”
“I’m not here to answer questions,” the tuxedo-clad mystery man said. “I’m here to secure the release of these fish to their rightful owners. You’re not going to be difficult about that, are you?”
The guards accompanying Zoc reached for their own crossbows, but the stranger urged them to stop. “My crossbow is trained directly at your boss’s heart. One move I don’t like, and your Mr. Zoc will be sleeping with the fishes.”
“You won’t get away with this, whoever you are,” Zoc snarled. “I have powerful friends, and they’ll make you suffer for this.”
“Do you now?” the stranger said, raising an eyebrow. “And what friends might those be?”
Before Zoc could answer, a slight movement at the corner of his eye caught his attention. He turned and fired his crossbow, the bolt striking one of Zoc’s henchmen in the chest. He toppled off the dock into the murky water below.
The rest of Zoc’s men now drew their own crossbows and began firing. The stranger ducked behind one of the crates of fish and reloaded his weapon. He fired again from cover, and a second man fell dead. But he was out of arrows, and the guards were closing in on him.
Reaching into the crate he was hiding behind, he withdrew two large fish, and as the guards came close, he struck at them with his icthyoid armaments, slapping them into senselessness. One particular guard was sturdier than the rest, and it took several strikes to stagger him. As the guard wobbled on his knees, the stranger belted him with one last blow. “Just for the halibut,” he said as the guard collapsed to the dock, unconscious.
The stranger looked around and saw that Zoc was fleeing. Dropping the fish, he began to chase after Zoc. Sensing he was being pursued, Zoc paused to take a dead guard’s crossbow and prepared to aim it at the stranger. With no convenient weapon handy, the stranger reached into another fish crate and produced a large swordfish. As Zoc took the time to sneer at the stranger before firing, the stranger hurled the swordfish at Zoc with all his might. The swordfish’s sharp bill bored through Zoc, and he collapsed to the dock.
“I don’t think you’ll be needing a sturgeon,” the stranger said ironically, eyeing Zoc’s corpse.
More of Zoc’s henchmen were closing in on him, and the stranger darted through the docks and into the village itself, crossbow bolts whizzing by him. Turning a corner suddenly, he hurled himself into an open window and listened carefully for the sounds of hot pursuit. Eventually, the sounds of footsteps outside faded, and the stranger relaxed.
He was suddenly aware of the beautiful young woman in the room with him, clad only in a white night dress. “Who are you?” she gasped, her blue eyes wide open. “What are you doing here?”
“Oh, just here for a little fishing trip,” he said, grinning at her. “And the name’s Nanza. Kyle Nanza.”
“You won’t find much fishing here these days. Not with that dreadful Zoc around.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about him if I were you,” Nanza said, grinning. “He won’t be carp-eying any more diems.”
The girl slowly began to smile. “Then we owe you a great debt, Mr. Nanza. But how can we possibly thank you?”
Nanza took the girl in his arms. “I can think of one way.”
“Oh, Kyle,” she replied before their lips met.
*****
HENRY PEPPERMAN
&
ALBERT Z. CAULIFLOWER
PRESENT
KYLE NANZA
IN
“YOU ONLY DRINK TWICE?”
&
ALBERT Z. CAULIFLOWER
PRESENT
KYLE NANZA
IN
“YOU ONLY DRINK TWICE?”
(Title song performed by LUNA, courtesy of You’re So Vane Records)
The man of mystery
Always searching for women and wine
Spending his nights fighting villains
And shtooping women so fine
He’ll track down all the bad guys
And he’ll make them pay the price
But if you want to win him
You can’t just drink twice
The secret agent so smooth
And as stealthy as a cat
He celebrates each victory
By drinking ‘till he’s blind as a bat
Danger is his three-course-meal
And he uses lots of spice
But how can you win his heart if
You only drink twice?
When peril raises its head
He confronts it without any fear
He can sweep any girl off her feet
And drink twice his own weight in beer
He’s the kind of guy we need
In a world that ain’t so nice
But you’ll never win his heart if
You only drink twice!
Especially the halibut one. 
