|
Post by northlander on Sept 8, 2019 15:00:26 GMT -5
Chapter 6: An Old Flame of the Worst Kind. "Oh yeah, this bike is truly rockin'. OK, peoples... FOLLOW ME!" "Boo! I wanted to ride that bike too." "Me too." "Well, never mind the guy who thinks he's too cool for us regular types, and welcome to the truck, ladies. Uh... and cat." "Why couldn't I drive?" "You mean you can?" "I do have a driver's license." "I... find that a bit hard to believe." "Looks like we got some enemies on our tail." "OH! PROTECT US, BAD BOY!" "What? But how can I drive in front while protecting you helpless damsels who totally don't know how to fight with fists or magic?" "With a pipe, duh! Just whack them over the head while driving close." "Yeah, road rage, baby!" "You're... uh... you're getting into this in a far iffier way than I am." "Well, they're Shinra. Hanging's too good for them. Burning's too good for them! They should be torn into little bitsy pieces and buried alive!" "Yikes!" "Me too. I mean... I have no love for them or anything, but them leaving me alone would've been enough for me." "Yeah, it's not like they are planning to exploit your homeland for energy or anything." "......" "HANGING IS TOO GOOD FOR THEM! BURNING..." "There we go. Now we're on the same page." "You worry me sometimes." "Well, I guess it's Whacking Day here at Midgar. Time to hit some metaphorical snakes. I mean... it's not like I can let them kill or recapture us or anything. Hojo will just want to experiment on us, and make Aeris have sex with a big cat." "My hero!" "Yes. Thanks, man. I mean... sleeping with a human. Ew!" "....say, Cloud. Can you give Mr. Cat here a... shall we say light tap on the head, too? For me?" "No!" "Well... they really brought out the big car just for us, huh?" "Hojo must really be hankering for some new animal porn." "OK, can we please stop talking about this? Please? It's making me uncomfortable for more reasons than just Red13 here being a big cat." "Besides, we've got a more direct problem to deal with here." "Well, we're fighting a big car. Can it get any more ridiculous than this?" "Yes, it can. You weren't with us in the weird part of the slums, but there are suicide houses out there. And I should have taken that as a bad omen when, right after that, I had to put on a dress and seduce Don Corneo." ".....right! You know what? We don't have to go into that in more detail." "Well, I was going to ask you to head over and give Mukki my thanks for his rather effective wake-up call." *SNRK* "Well, I'm glad someone is amused. I'm just more a bit confused myself." "So was I, Barret. So was I." "Arm attack? But we cut both its arms off." "And a leg." "But it never had any legs to stand on to begin with." "It be freewheelin'." "Well, anyway, enough with this. They're driving with winter tires on solid asphalt? Haven't they thought about the dust and pollution that will result from this?" "Uh... I don't think that's why the tires are spiky." "Or hexagonal." "Hey, don't knock the polygon count. This is old-school." "And sense just left town, too. Who's left to take care of business now?" "Madness?" "Many weird things. Many mysteeeerious things." "Many ill-boding things." "Hey, don't jinx us." "So... where is your hometown?" "Hmm. Far away. We probably have to travel through a weird cave after taming some chocobos, go to a town and sneak on board a ship, and then travel through some mountains and train tracks, get caught up in the goings on of a giant casino place and then hit the desert. Cars might be involved too at some point. We'll just have to wait and see." "Cars? But we just broke down one that could have been very useful." "Uh... oops?" "....well, no matter." "But the slums are just such a lovely place." "Thanks. I did the best I could with what I had." "Uh.. that's not what I was referring to. Then again, I have to admit that the church looked pretty nice for having a huge hole in the roof." "Oh, but of course!" "But there's nothing to blow up out here. How will you cope?" "One step at a time, ladies. One step at a time." "I totally should have been the leader, though. I have more experience." "Must... not... be... mean." "Can't say I've heard about you, though." "What?! But I'm the leader of Avalanche. You've heard of us, right?" "Hmm. Only that you dropped a plate on top of the slums, but that information came from Shinra, and I'm taking their words with a pinch of salt, to put it mildly." "That makes me happy and sad at the same time." "Anyway, let's split up." "Well, of course. I am the great leader, after all." "Hoarding all the ladies. Have you no shame?" "And you're saying you wouldn't if you were selected acting officer?" "Uh.... of course not." "And you have a daughter too." "Yeah, which means you had a wife once. You are not allowed to move on from that and ruin our romantic sensibilities." "And now I'm not sure what direction the sarcasm is going." "Oof, this place looks... how do I put this..." "Dreary?" "Dark and depressing?" "The way of the future? Hah!" "Well, now that we're out of the danger zone, we should probably be alert. There are dangers about." "Uh.... like roving biker gangs with... with... are those arms?" "Uh... just a sec. I'm just a bit stunned about how nice this place looks." "And how do you 'go Cloud' anyway? Do you walk around somewhat bowlegged because of your giant brass balls?" "Oh, get off my back!" "Are you sure? I could make for a good counterweight to your massive chest, you braggart! Doing back stretches after each fight and all." "So you did say that. And I'll have you know this chest is quite bothersome when you're doing martial arts." "Uh...." "Now I know why Cloud padded his bra so much when I made him dress in women's clothing against his will. And why Don Corneo picked him." "You wanted to be picked by Don Corneo?" "No, but that's beside the point." "You don't have a point." "Erm... 'everyone' is waiting. As in Red and Barret are waiting." "Yes, I'm late because you had to start an argument about boobs. Don't lay that on me." "That's not my fault." "Oh, yes it is." "No, it's not. It's yours and your giant hooters'." *sigh* "I regret my choices." "You have learned to leave me at least one next time, huh?" "I agree that splitting them up might've been a better choice in hindsight. Then again, maybe not. Anyway, storytime." "Ye-... wait, they let you join the army at 16? Uh... wow?" "Furthermore, 'put down any resistance'? That doesn't sound really ominous or something." "They really could use a PR department." "Well, you heard Mr. Rufus, the new CEO. He gonna go for terror from now on. The plate was only the beginning." "And there's Mr. Rate Hike and Heidegger." "We're all screwed, aren't we?" "Anyway, continue?" "Right, so..." "Am I bothering you? Am I? Am I am I am I?!" "Cloud, stop bothering the poor man. He has an unfortunate truth to face some time in the future." "Oh, you're no fun." "I know." "I know. Settle down, you spaz." "Like a hero. Well... not really. Sheesh, it's tough being the icon of a bunch of idiot teens whose feelings I might very well hurt in the future. Or maybe not, which is even more depressing." "What? Whatwhatwhatwhat?! Just as we were talking about brutal monsters? Surely not." *sigh* "A dragon?! But I'm just level 1 and have 140 HP. However will I cope?" "I feel like I'm being set up for something.... big." "It's kind of weird looking back on it, seeing as stuff went down and Sephiroth is in the middle of it." "So you being mesmerised is the reason why you got whacked down all the time and Sephiroth had to revive you... and not you being a wuss and getting owned all the time with your 140 HP and all?" "Well, someone isn't sore because I took the ladies with me or anything." "So... who was his father anyway?" "Dunno. Must've been a really handsome guy, I think, given that Sephiroth could make all the girls go all 'Draco in Leather Pants' on him." *cough* "Well... nearly all the girls." "That wasn't a question. It was a statement. And you saw it too, didn't you?" "No, I didn't look. Judging by yours and Cloud's reaction, I thought it best not to." "Smart choice." "Well, did you?" "I did visit my mom while wishing I didn't. As for friends.... well...." *cough* "Y'all catching a cold or something?" "Uh... no, that's not it." "Mmmm, I'm not sure how to feel about someone referring to their mother as 'vibrant'. I mean... I'd love to hear that from you, but... yeah. Aeris not about them mama's boys." "My mother could be... pushy. About some things." "So... how about them temptations?" "I don't know where she got that from. Not that I had much time left over from training anyway." "Jesus!" "I already knew your mother was very... mothering... but wow, the things that happen between four walls." "I didn't want to say it out loud, but yeah, it did give my wanting to join SOLDIER an extra push." "What? Are we making you uncomfortable?" "No, but you're not helping." "Me being one." "Hmph. He sounds like a dirty old man. Does he like big hooters too?" "Uh... I was a kid when he started training me, so..." "...let's stop this conversation before it goes somewhere we might all regret." "...yes, let's. Even I don't want to go there just because of melon envy." "Yeah, sure I've moved up in the world. Jackass with the camera outside didn't want to take a picture with a 'nobody' like me. Meh!" "Uh... OK? Should I be worried?" "No, why? But these things are very rarely good news, huh?" "Well, I'm sure we'll be fine. You're here, so... all our problems will soon be solved." "Well, fair enough. You at least knocked, right?" "Of course. Also, your house?" "OK, my parents' house. I'm just saying this because I lived there. Don't be a nitpicker." "I'm going into my horribly unhappy childhood for y'all's sake. The least you can do is to let me pick some nits." "Nope, I didn't rifle through your sock drawer and laugh at your oversized bras." "They weren't oversized! *cough* I mean...." "You're never going to stop reminding me, are you? Or rubbing it in?" "And if you think that's outrageous..." "Saltza?!" "Well... did you?" "Honestly, I had no idea what these lunatics were talking about, so I just moonwalked right out of there, and the whole house exploded into wild applause. And it didn't stop there." "You have uncovered the secrets of SALTZA!" "Which brings me to my next question..." "Typical! Something explodes and monsters start appearing everywhere, but that wasn't exciting enough for you guys, was it?" "Well, after the Shinra stampede, it was hard to get excited about anything." "That's what she said." "....." "Well, you set yourself up for that one." "And you're still bitter." "Deactivate it? Not use it?" "Well... what was our alternative?" "Whatever it is that you used before that?" "Which waaaaas?!" "I guess we might find out later." "I would never rely on young people." "You're 16!" "Well, I would never trust me either." "I might agree if you're going to be this weird about it." "And boy, who knew I would have to hear that again later... in Don Cornholio's mansion." "Yikes. Well... maybe Cloud's attitude can be explained by your father. He seems a bit overprotective." "...yes. Yes, let's go with that." "I never got my copy." *cough* "Tifa, we really do need to get you to the doctor. This can't be good." "Uh... no, it's OK." "Mt. Nibel just didn't care." "That explains your personality." "Yep. It's in our blood, which is as cold as the mountains." "There's no need to get down. Unless you're in the mountains, which makes it your only option, I guess." "The hell are you talking about." "Sometimes, it's better not to ask. Even if you've lived it." "And if any of you say 'that's what she said', I'd like to mention I have a foot with your ass's name on it." "Well, you just said it was cold, and I know for a fact what cold temperatures do to ladynipples. You don't need big ones for that." "Why are we always turning the conversation back to my chest? Especially you, who doesn't want to acknowledge it at all?" "Oh, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it." "This is like the storybook version of the 'confuse a cat' skit." "Well, I am confused, so it's working." "Hmm. Well, I guess I'll be seeing you downhill. Oh, and you need to get this bridge fixed as soon as possible." "This bridge is Shinra property. That's on your paycheck." "OK, I'll pass on that message when we're done here." "Besides, he's a trained soldier. He already knows our destination and we can trust him to catch up with us later, so I don't know why I even made that 'cruel' point. Carry on!" "...yeah, makes sense. Well, aside from the 'mountains being abundant in this energy' thing. What is this? The Force?" "Such a little cynic." "And what's a mysterious color for a cave anyway? Anything 'not gray'?" "Well... yeah. I mean... you live here. Have you seen the outside? All these warm-ish colors are freaking me out, man!" "MESSAGE!" "I wasn't brought here to care. I was brought here to investigate something." "Oh, who's the cynic now?" "Uh... well... we... uh, got an audience who doesn't know. Tutorial!" "I hate these 'as you know' conversations." "YOU LEAVE THAT FOURTH WALL ALONE! IT'S GOING THROUGH A HARD TIME!" "And I hate these old memes." "Hmm, really? I guess I will understand that when I meet him." "Oh, you will." "Well, here we are, at the top of this very special mountain." "This practical and boring structure mostly made up of pipes really lights up this place, doesn't it?" "I'm not sure if I should be happy about that or not. I mean... these mountains are rather inhostile-looking, but still.... is there any need to light up the twisted recreations of hell?" "I... I can't protect anyone. I'm.. I'm a failure." "Well, you're no fun." "Look at me. Good for nothing but guard duty. My... my dreams." "What a mumbler. Well, I don't have to listen to him." "Uh... the entrance to this building leads to these pipes? Shinra not much on building safety, are they?" "What are you mumbling about? Hurry up, or I'll leave you behind." "Sheesh, I'm going, I'm going." "Wait, didn't you say your mom's name was Jenova? What's up with that?" "Not sure. 'Mom in a can' seems like rather a new concept to me. Hojo has some explaining to do." "Hojo seems like he's very much into 'everything in a can'. I hope that's not a trend that'll take off." "Well.... I'm a little unnerved that it looks like a huge egg, but I'm a fairly young, impressionable and naive guy eager to impress, so what the hell?!" "JAYSUS! That is creepy as sin." "I know." "I mean... just look at that grin. Human teeth on monsters? Turbo creepy." "You got some weird priorities." "Hey, I didn't make this." "That's not the... oh, never mind." "They're normal humans who have been exposed to a far higher degree of Mako than us?" "Rhetorical question, Cloud. Rhetorical question." "I don't speak the language of Rhetorical." "Well, you don't look like a weird freakazoid with human teeth, so... probably not?" "And isn't that reassuring." "Hey, that's my line." "....." "Wait, no, it's not. I was ordinary and boring. That's why I joined SOLDIER!" "Sounds healthy. And a stellar idea. Well, anyway, back to me." "What? You don't like orange legs?" "You.... you have a rather amazing ability to completely miss the point, don't you?" "So you do like orange legs?" "No, that's not... you're driving me crazy. Stop it!" "Is this because of the orange legs?" "What? No! Why would you even... are you still hung up on that after all these years?" "I guess he really didn't want to hear more about my 'orange legs' theory." "I know that feeling." "Anyway, I was gonna share with him my theories of how you can color your legs any color you want." "You're just trolling us now, aren't you?" "I know it's important to stick to the places you're stationed to, but seriously, he didn't even look into the room and discover that there's an ominously green glowing door here? Soldier today are made of wet paper mache, I tell ya." "I guess it's not just Shinra who doesn't care about safety. No railing on this spiraling walkway. That's just horribly unsafe. Anyway, down this ominously glowing purple hallway...." "...and into more green. Hi, Sephiroth. What's cooking in this... here... underground laboratory? Uh oh." "....." "Wait, he named an underground organism after your mom? That's just rude." "Ssssh." "Professor Gast? But what about professor Hojo?" "He was the one who took over... after Gast died." "Well, isn't that convenient." "Corporate culture. Don't care." "In fact, we should head back and check the cellar. I don't think anyone turned off the lights since we were there. Can you imagine the enviromental danger of just letting the lights stay on for years on end without anyone being down there? Think of the Mako footprints and all." "You focus on the weirdest things." "Well, anyway, next day, I went down to see how his self-imposed solitude in the library of madness went. In hindsight, we really should have seen this coming." "Ha, ha, ha?" "Ha, ha, ha." "Sounds like he took his information hunt well, then?" "...not exactly." "Traitor?" "Yes. And an ignorant too, because betrayal is always an involuntary action, right?" "But we've already covered that, AND we have an expert on the subject with us." "Well, what he said so far isn't incorrect. Back then, I mean." "Uh... wait, what?" "Yeah, that made no sense to me either. If the Cetra were a nomad-like race, they were eventually going to leave anyway? And what's wrong with settling in somewhere? Were the race who tired of travelling not Cetra? Patent thieves? So many questions." "We hid? Where? How does one hide from a cataclysm anyway? How did the Cetra sacrifice themselves? Or did we actually do that?" "The underground library of hearsay and accusations. We have to go there. I gotta see this." "Well, to be honest, I didn't really read anything from there. My head was just reeling from the sudden accusation train from Mr. Special." "Well, if I had learned that right after seeing the 'metal human monster egg' facility, I might've gotten a little mental too." "Sure, it was an unsettling sight, but there was no need to go this mental over it." " This mental, you say?" " This mental." "But wasn't his 'mother' in one of those metal eggs?" "....." "I see your point." "Jeez! I said 'I see your point'. The story didn't need to end with 'and then he set fire to the entire village'." "Except the mansion." "I guess he didn't want to 'hide the truth' or something." "Burning down the village? Nah, that's totally rational by Shinra standards. An' so is dropping an entire city block on top of us to get rid of a small handful of people for the greater good or whatnot. And nobody even know the finer point of a good explosion. That just makes me sad." "And people tell me my priorities are skewed. Boy, are my legs red." "Shaddup!" "And so, we come to one of the milestones of this story, one which shall be remembered for years to come. And create a precedence of 'how far will you take the "Draco in Leather Pants" trope before it goes too far'. Only time will tell." "Stupid, stupid, stupid. Make sure you have your oversized sword on you, then set fire to the village to cement your descent into villainy. It has to... ow... be here... ow... somewhere. The sword that... ow... only I can... ow... use." To be continued....
|
|
|
Post by northlander on Sept 13, 2019 11:19:06 GMT -5
I'm taking a break from the LP this weekend because Borderlands 3. My apologies for that.
|
|
|
Post by Rune Lai on Sept 15, 2019 19:56:27 GMT -5
I never understood why that trope is called Draco in Leather Pants, (probably because I've never read any Draco Malfoy fanfic), but Sephiroth is definitely one of those characters. When I first saw the game my brother was playing it, and from a distance with no context Sephiroth looked cool and I thought he was going to be an amazing villain. Then I actually played the game and hated the guy. Not because he was a good villain and I hated his guts, but because he was such a lame villain whose only redeeming quality was he had a pretty face
|
|
|
Post by northlander on Sept 21, 2019 10:52:34 GMT -5
Chapter 7: Buying the Chocobo Farm. "Given the special stab wound that could only come from a sword only one person is able to wield, I'd say that's a given." "Cloud!" "That, and he was the only one to go down here. Case closed, I'd say." "CLOUD?!" "What?!" "Rude." "....what?!" "I hate them so much, I can wield this damn sword myself." "But you can't. Only one person can wield this. Because it said so." "Well, I'll show them all!" "I know you're sitting in a magical tank and I took that pretty normally earlier, but now I've read a whole bunch of books. That can drive anyone insane. Do you hear me, mother? I AM NOT INSANE!" "I... didn't... expect you... to actually... show me." "What can I say. I'm helpful like that." "I don't think you know what 'helpful' really means." "Yes, well... traffic was killer today. Sorry for being late." "You know... you know just what to say." "Am I interrupting something, Mr. Oedipus?" "They called me crazy? Well, I'l show them." "Show them how crazy you are?" "Well, yes. I mean... no. I mean yes. I mean... moooommyyyyyy." "....I'll be back in five." "Wait, don't gooohoohoooooo." "Please let me die." "But mommy, we're going to take over the world. Or blow it up. I haven't decided yet." "Was this back when that thing had a head?" "Uh... yes, but that's not the problem." "I'd call 'lack of head' a pretty serious problem." "Really? Doesn't seem to have inconvenienced you all that much so far." "That's ri-...HEY!" "Were you both really talking like a bunch of cult leaders?" "Hey, don't lump me in with that guy." "Yeah, it's not like you dreamed about being like the guy or anything." "That did not include suddenly turning into a complete megalomaniac, though. Or Oedipus." "See?" "Don't you look all smug and stuff. This is just your version of the story anyway. Would be hilarious if your past wasn't like that at all." "Pfft, I'll have you know that I have a photographic memory." "What? You want more stuff to complain about?" "Yes. I mean... no. I mean... that's not it." "Busted." "...interesting choice of words there, Tifa." "Why are you staring at my... uh, at me?" "I mean... they just wrote that it was Avalance's fault that the plate got dropped over the slums, right?" "Well, fair enough. I just sort of expected Cloud to be all 'I coulda taken him out. I just had a crick in my neck that day' or something." "Says the guy who takes great joy in bullying subway commuters." "For being the gender with uncomfortably tender and vulnerable groin areas, they sure delight in doling out the low blows, don't they?" "Uh... Sephiroth took it, remember? After stabbing the living daylights out of the President. That's the part that does make sense." "...." "Well... relatively speaking." "You've never made any sense before, man. Why would you expect me to suddenly make sense to you?" "Well, he basically said he'd destroy it all, so yes, we're all screwed. How austere of you." "Yeah, why don't you just shove that dictionary up where the sun doesn't shine, SOLDIER boy?!" "They're... friends, right?" "Not as much, no." "What?! Why would you.. who's not making any sense now?" "Well, you know what they say. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." "OK, never mind. I don't want to know." "Ah, kitty sarcasm. I missed that." "It's a natural state." "Finally a rational explanation for all of the exploding we've done lately, outside of the whole 'IT'S TO SAVE THE WORLD' thing." "Well, there was the amazing sight of Midgar in all its gloomy glory, as seen from the outside. That's the sort of thing that belongs on a tourist pamphlet." "Midgar -- we suck the life right out of you." "Tired of life? Then come to Midgar and find the best reason to end it all." "Midgar, the future to destroy all futures." "Why the heck did we even stay there for so long?" "Because there is a lot of stuff to blow up there?" "And in the least subtle way ever, too." "Wasn't SOLDIER either. The Turks, working directly under the President, made that call." "I wonder if we're going to hear that a lot." "Did he carry a headless upper body too?" "With an eyeball for a nipple?" "And now he's completely weirded out. Nice work." "Wide open spaces. A farm in the distance. How quaint." "T-rex footprints on the ground." "Yes, T-re-...wait, what?!" "Pretty sure those are chocobo footprints, though." "Sssh. Don't ruin my fun." "And speaking of fun." "GAH!" "What the hell is a 'Levrikon'?!" "Well, minor distraction aside; here we are, warking it up with the local populace." "It's a lot of hard wark." "Wark ant we all just get along?" "......." "You need more practice." "Uh... that's a cute gift." "Just don't think too hard about where it came from." "BARRET!" "It's red too. Just... just... ew." "Can I hurt him now?" "Get in line." "Do tell. Now... how did that Midgar Zolom end up there, I wonder?" "Ah, the basics of business. Create a need. Then fulfill it." "....well, of course." "OK, this does sound somewhat suspect. 'To avoid gruesome snake death, get a chocobo from the only chocobo farm in existence'." "Well... that leaves us with two options. One, Sephiroth killed the snake and therefore we have nothing to worry about. Or two, said snake had a mate, who is probably super pissed now." "....let's go hire us a chocobo." "You're not very good at being a shopkeeper, are you?" "Well, that's because we're not a store! But if you're dead set on buying something from us...." "Well, that begs the question why a chocobo would want to hang out with monsters, but who am I to argue against mechanics. There's gotta be a catch to this... uh, no pun intended." "And there's the catch." "Well, you don't want to suffer horrible snake-related death, right? Or..... you could always go back to Midgar if you don't want to pony up the dough." "Urgh! This kid is a fiend. He uses the darkest, dreariest city of all time as a selling point... and it's super effective." "If Shinra ever finds out, they'll be demanding royalties." "And here comes the guilt trip." "So says the girl playing all defenseless in the city, selling her flowers with the biggest 'oh woe is me' game face." "Hey, it worked, so shut up!" "Pfft. 'Always appears with other monsters' my foot. I even walked on the T-rex tracks." "And why are we fighting squirrels in... ground pits? What's up with that? Are they going to throw their nuts at us?" "Well, since there are no Chocobo here, let's give this materia we got from one of them a go." "AND I HAVE SUMMONED... uh, a.... Chocobo?" "Well, this is already getting silly." "......" "....uh..." "I... don't think I'll be using this one again." "Then again, we are now fighting what pretty much amounts to 'weird leek monsters'." "Fight silly with silly, huh?" "I just want this to be over with already. Besides, these guys aren't even marketable." "YES! A Chocobo!" "Between... uh... two blue wild boar elephants." "Quick! Toss out the greens so we can get that Chocobo already." "Let's beat those elephant things black and... uh... purple." "That... oof... that takes care of that." "Looks like clouds are gathering... uh, no offense, Cloud. But yes, we should probably get a move on." "Oh, don't pretend that you aren't looking." "HAH! I knew it. You are doing that on purpose. To brag." "Ergh!" "You're so busted. Uh... no pun intended." *sigh* "It's common knowledge that the first lesson you learn on Chocoboback is 'how to get off'." "Those were simpler times. More innocent times." "Yep. Well, time to head into the dank moist caves." "Let's not make this weird or anything." "Indy would be proud." "Or at least mightily relieved." "Do what? Walk into caves?" "And without spouting weird innuendo." "Yeah, with ol' Sephy, it'd probably turn into a long string of 'yo mama' jokes instead." "We're fighting castanets? How? With song and dance?" "Do we even have a dancer class?" "We have no class at all. In more than one way." "And what the hell is a Madouge?" "You're Rude, right?" "Uh... yes and no." "Well, are you Rude or are you not?" "Why do I feel like this is going to turn into a joke on me if I let it escalate?" "What's the name of that spell you cast?" "What?!" "Thought so." "Well, you also drop giant foundation plates on poor neighborhoods that have nothing to do with Avalance, just to further your political agenda." "That's a very negative way to put it, but yes." "Um... sir." "Yes, explain, Elena. I would love to hear how you plan on excusing this." "Way to put me on the spot, guys." "No, we're not." "Yes, you are." "No, we're not." "Yes, you are." "Um... this isn't a competition." "Yes, it is!" "Don't gang up on me over this!" "Just taking mental notes, sir." "OK, but do so silently." "Is this one of those 'women should be seen, not heard' things? Shame on you!" "No, that's not... *sigh* " "This is the weirdest conversation I've ever had." "Well, at least until Reno wants to show us his affection." "Someone ought to tell Shinra that 'affection' and 'weapons' shouldn't be used in the same sentence, ever." "OK, 'elixir' I kind of understand, but 'mind source'? Who in their right... uh, mind... would trust an item with that name?" "Well, I have a mind to try it." "I don't mind giving it a go either." "You're just trolling me now, aren't you?" "We have found the tent box." "Now we can all tent for the night." "You'll really run the joke out to this extent?" "Tentatively, yes." "Yikes!" "We exit the cave, and BAM! Giant bird on... what is that anyway? A tower? A giant blender?" "Ah. Maybe it lays its eggs right into the blender. BOOM! Instant... uh... egg in a blender?" "How fluffy." "Indeed." "What are you looking at?" "Hell Rider? It's a guy using an animal as a surf board." "Duuuuuuude!" "We really should get the appropriate soundtrack for this. Anyone got some Beach Boys on their playlist?" "Well... that's that. Oof, glad that is over." "Grrrgh. Stupid voluptious kung fu girl. She's doing that on purpose, I swear. Why don't she just wear a bikini top with flame patterns while she's at it? Or a sports bra." "Hey, that's a great idea." "What is it with these mobs telling us about that fish they caught once?" "They all want to bring down the house." "It's a dual wield mike drop." "Um... no, that's race cars. It has nothing to do with jet fighters, biological or otherwise." "Hmm. Racing. I wonder if we'll get to do that at any point, inbetween all this Sephiroth hunting and whatever might come from that." "We're really doing this?" "Yeah, I just have to see what this giant blender looks like on the inside." "Boy, doesn't that sound like famous last words or something." "Along with 'hey, what does this button do?'" "Can we please not take that train of thought any further? I'm feeling queasy enough about this as it is." "A rope up. We're already off to a wonderful start." "If it drops down a bit and you hear whirring from above... RUN!" "That's a weird train of logic, but you are correct." "And what would you have done if we had been from Shinra?" "I guess that's when the giant blender is put to use." "STOPPIT!" "It's a crying shame, this anti-condor-on-top-of-reactor attitude we see today." "Yes, what sad times, when ruffians look down at will upon Condors on reactors." "There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred, not even giant birds on giant blenders." "You guys are not taking this very seriously, are you?" "Guilty as charged." "And I'm not a guy!" "Well, excuuuuuuuse me, Princess." "I can feel a guilt trip coming on." "I like how it was coupled with 'special materia', as if they're covering all the bases to make sure we'd be interested in doing this." "It's a giant blender filled with salesmen." "......." "Where's the 'on' switch." "Welp....!" "Of course they want funds." "It's like a combination of salesmen and humanitarian movements." "That's a depressing thought." "And feel free to use their beds, they say. I'm not sure I'm keen on the idea of sleeping in a bed that just anyone can use." "Oh, come on! I'm sure they get washed and stuff." "Do you see any housekeeping staff here?" "....let's just sneak out quietly before they start up the blender." "This place is going to make me feel like a complete jerk, isn't it?" "Well, they are at least not going to let you say 'uh... no' without a fight." "And it's gonna be a fight they aren't going to take part in because they're broke and stuff." "What else do they want us to do." "It appears the answer is 'everything'." "Stupid spectator limitations." "Will our heroes step up to the plate? Will they do what's right at great personal (and literal) cost? Are they the philantrophists of the new century?" "Well, they didn't have to get so upset just because we didn't want to give them free access to our funds. We're not THAT rich." "At least they didn't start the giant blender." "That's... something." "But more importantly; check out this town? Overcompensating much?" "I dub thee 'Penisylvania'." "That's a state, not a city." "The state of a penis is a fickle one." "Whatever you say." To be continued....
|
|
|
Post by northlander on Sept 29, 2019 12:03:49 GMT -5
Chapter 8: Infiltration Troll and the Shipping Notice. "Well... 'run down' wasn't the first thought that came to mind when we arrived here." "More like gunned down." "Hmph! They wouldn't know quality gun even if one shot them in the ass." "OK, that's enough outta you." "Funny you should say that, but... what's the price of the big gun outside?" "45000000gil. The shipping comes to 600000 gil as well. Some assembly may be required." "Well... forget that, then." "I gotta get some sponsorship deals going. That thing would look sweet on my arm." "I'm not sure that would be a good selling point, though." "Well, since we're here: MYTHRIL ARMLETS FOR EVERYONE!" "It's the great equalizer." "Potions, Phoenix Down, Grenades and Tents. What a combination." "War, the great polluter." "They shot all the fish, didn't they?" "The greatest terror of the front lines: hungry and bored soldiers with nothing to do." "Well, there's a fish." "Quick! Shoot it immediately." "......" "Barret!" "What?!" "You're just trying to trick me so you can shoot my fish. It's the oldest trick in the book, and I'm not falling for it." "No, really." "I just told you no. You stay away from my fish." "Uh... not that it matters, but a dolphin is actually a mammal." "I just want to shoot something, so that works too." "You are so not helping." "She shoulda listened when we said to look behind." "Yeah, because that's what I woulda done if a madman with a gun for a hand showed up and wanted to shoot my pet. I mean, duh!" "Oh, shaddup!" "Well, we don't have time for this nonsense, so let's fight nonsense with nonsense." "And we're all out of kitchen sinks." "Uh... who are you, and where the hell did you pop out from? And sure, just command me to do CPR to her right out of the blue, why don't you?" "What the... why are all three of you expecting me to do that? You even know how to do it, old man, so why aren't you already?" "It's gotta be Cloud." "That makes no sense." "You're the only one who can do it." "No, I'm not. The old guy is even going to show me how to. Because when life is actually threatened, that's when we have to run through some lessons, right?" "What kind of evil presence is turning my life-and-death situation into a quicktime event?" "Hey, don't look at me. I wanted no part in it. Blame the girls and your very weird grandpa." "Oh, phooey, you're no fun at all." "These are the people I travel with. Well... the cat is alright so far, but..." "Are you implying anything, sucka?!" "I know I said I didn't care what you called me, but... 'the cat'?! Can you be any more detached about my presence here?" "Well... most of the day has passed, but sure.... she was subjected to having a total stranger being tricked into performing CPR on her for their own amusement." "Hey, that's uncalled for." "We... we totally didn't try to embarrass you or anything." "Well, we did save her dolphin from... whatever the hell that thing was." "It looked like some kind of bird before we Death Mog'd it to oblivion. After that, it looked like... um, the weirdest throw rug ever." "And the most disgusting one." "But seriously, let me sleep already." "And dream of CPR lessions." "Leave me out of your weird fantasies." "It's been so long since I've had a conversation with the voice inside my head." "Oh, so we've already forgotten about our little sojourn into the &$#% Room, have we?" "Nope! I have no idea what you're talking about. Not at all." "Come on, Bubby. No need to be so uptight. It's all in good fun around here." "Geh! No! No. No no no, that is not a headspace I want to return to." "But you do not know the fun that you missed." "Oh, the poiks and squishes we could have had." "AhehEHEhEH!" "Do you not want to see us again, young man?" "I'd... rather not." "I'D LIKE TO!" "But more importantly, what would you 'rather not', if you don't mind me asking." "I do mind." "Um... OK? Why?" "Well... you remember when we rescued you at the Don's?" "I'd... rather not." "Exactly. But more importantly, crossdressing wasn't the worst thing I was made to endure that day." "Uh... let's just go check on Priscilla." "Well, better than being inside and dwelling on the really weird parts of my past, I guess. My close past in the den of debauchery." "Yeah, the don's mansion was a pretty awful place." "I wasn't talking about the don's mansion." "Uh... OK." "Yeah, it's not like the town is a giant cannon or anything." "I doubt firing the gun is going to make it sound like an orchestra, though." "Anyway, let's check in on Priscilla." "Yeah! She might need some more CPR." "Then why don't you tell her that. I'm sure she'd love to hear that coming from you." "I'm not that crazy." "Uh... you don't have to do that." "Ohoho, this is turning out much better than I thought." "....oh." "You were saying." "Well, I was hoping for something a bit more... steamy." "And we got a Shiva materia too. If that's not the opposite of hot -- erm... at least literally -- then I don't know what is." "They must pay." "I have so much... respect... to hand out. If I only still had my hand." "No, I wasn't allowed to." "Allowed to?" "Yeah, because that's how it works." "I... don't understand." "Neither do I." "Why? Is your dolphin electric proof?" "No, I meant... you guys and your sharp cutlery. Your hair alone would probably cut through that underwater wire." "Also, I know I'm a mercenary and all, but wow, you guys." "I'd probably just blow it up by accident." "I'm a huge cat." "I have a huge chest." "I have... wait, what's that got to do with anything?" "You guys are weird." "Don't group me in with any of them. Please." "Are you just upset that Priscilla gave you all nasty looks when you foisted the dangerous part on me? Again?" "Such a jerk." "I know, right?" "Oh, you brought that on yourselves. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a dolphin jump to make." " Such a jerk." "I knoooooow." "That's our little slave driver." "....OK, that's too far for me. I don't want to be that huge a jerk." "Well, this is fun and all, but... here, Cloud. Take it." "We don't even have a waterproof PHS? What kind of cheapass gadgets are you buying, Barret?" "I would've been able to afford a waterproof one, but someone made himself very expensive to hire in our last mission." "Well, you get what you pay for. Anyway, jump now, budget later." "Hmm. Took a few tries, but here I am, climbing my way up this giant... thing. And not looking down." "Oh, nice. I have to steal this for myself later. Airships are boss!" "Where! Where! Take me to the President. He will give me tee pee." "What are you on, boy?! Anyway, get changed. We got parades to do." "Was it when Sephiroth turned out to be a complete nutter? Just thinking about it makes me feel all dark and cynical and stuff." "The quality of recruits are kind of terrible these days. No matter how good they might look in a uniform." "Uh... that's good and all, but what's with these lyrics? We are Shinra Company? The New President? That's like... 80% of a sentence." "It's... a work in progress." "No kidding. Could use some more self-awareness, though. Or less narcissism." "Tell me about it." "We do not speak loudly about it, though." "Raise the flag and aim that cannon high. It's time to step in line and make our enemies die." "Ooh, good one." "Yeah, it's not like I just farted the first thing out of my cakehole that sprang to mind." "Hmmm. Do well in this parade and blend in better.... or do really, really badly and make Shinra look bad. What should I do?" "Oooh, can you feel that burn? I got them so upset, they want to blow me up. I FEED ON YOUR HATRED! IT IS MY SUSTENANCE!" "But I live for my laugh." "Your laugh is 'gya haa haa'. I'm going to record you laughing and then I'm going to force you to listen to it for an entire day non-stop, and given how you know nobody ever likes hearing a recording of themselves... well..." "I... see your point." "Ooh, no break for me. See if I care." "And you shall swab the deck from sunup to sundown. And from sundown to sunup." "Whoa. Easy now, Captain Yellowbeard." "And if you don't stop being a smartass on me, I'll knee you in the groin so hard you will be all 'stagger stagger' for the entire treasure hunt." "Ooh, good one. I salute you, sir." "Thank you. Now, get to work." "Stab in the eye? No, that's not going to work in a parade. Hmm. Groin attack? Nah, that was Captain Yellowbeard's move. Man, these two idiots' excitement for sending someone off is throwing me off. How about I just spin the rifle for no reason, and in a way that is blatantly irresponsible?" "ATTENTION! LOOK THAT WAY! IGNORE ME! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!" "Your guess is as good as mine, sir. Nobody woke me up either. I had to set the clock all on my own." "Hell are you on, boy?!" "1/35 soldier? Am I finding the remains from a brutal serial killer murder or something? Is this a finger? A toe? Or... well, I've found two of these, so now I have 2/35 Soldier. If I collect all 35 parts, will I have one soldier? What good does that do?" "Uh... 'luck source'. I don't think that's how luck works. At least 'power source' makes sense. If I consume the luck source, does that mean I can win games of chance more easily?" "And now my source collection is complete. I shall be a student of all stats, master of none. Or however that works." "Gah! Did I say that out loud? I need to stop talking to myself." "Oh, come on! We didn't beat you up that hard." "I meant that we're drunk. What are you on about?" "Uh... nothing. Although I do like how nothing is sacred in this world. You can be drunk, you can crossdress and like it -- well, I didn't, but that's beside the point -- and you can enter weird clubs and live out your strangest fantasies and still go back to your day job after that." "I didn't ask. And now I am afraid to." "You guys liked me screwing up the parade?" "Sure did. I take pride in my work, but man, could that parade get any more self-gratifying and narcissistic or what?" "I know, right?" "And now: schadenfreude. Eat it, Shinra scum. Oh, if only Barret was here to see this." "......." "I'm so going to rub it in with him later." "Guh! I got so caught up in this, I forgot to screw it up. I'm never going to live this down. Which means Barret must never know of my shame." "Erm... I got a bonus for doing a good job? I thought Rufus was all about 'ruling through fear', but now he's rewarding... uh... his displays of his ego?" "What is he mumbling about?" "Uh... nothing, sir. He's just going 'gya haa haa' in appreciation." "I am not!" "Well, good. Anyway, enjoy your new weapon. Spread fear and terror with it, for the good of Shinra." "OK, now it makes sense." "Hmm. Looks like a bit of subterfuge might be in order. Good thing I already got my disguise. Now to get some for the others." "Um... but... that's how I got here." "No, I meant straight for the boat, which was on the water." "Well... I had fun up here anyway, so I don't really care. In fact, you guys were the ones missing out." "I'll... take your word for it." "I know we should feel guilty about that, but hey...." "Hm. This is a pretty languid boat ride. At least I don't have to worry about getting seasick. Or a speeding ticket." "I wonder if people are as lucky as we are with boat trips." "About that...." "ARE YOU COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY MAD?!" "Yarrr! Yes, I be mad Captain Sharkbite, and ye all be passengers on this ride to hell." "WE JUST WANTED TO GET ACROSS IN ONE PIECE!" "Well... not everyone has luck sources in reserve, I guess...." "We're totally stealing that for ourselves later on." "You totally read my mind." "....uh, this better not be innuendo on your end, because I'm certainly not going to call my penis 'a Shinra Weapon'." "I wasn't, but now that you mention it...." "War kills. Though I'd hardly call Sephiroth's actions a war. Mindless murder, sure." "Trust Cloud to be all pedantic about this. You are going to be a real hit with the ladies when you grow up." "I'm already grown up, though." "That's good, but Shinra soldiers don't go 'hee hee'. Well... not often anyway. Maybe during today's parade. I goddamned killed that one." "I'd have killed to see that." "Interesting choice of words there." "You're... already pretty brown, though. Are you planning on taking your tan all the way to 'black'?" "Well, aside from your long tail and your wobbly walk, you'd totally pass for a human." "I'm just pretending to be poor with sea voyages. There's always one on every boat, right?" "Uh... sure, let's go with that." "You sayin' I ain't got no pep and umph? Them's fighting words, fool!" "That's more like it, boyo." "....now I don't care anymore." "That's not good. Ya gotta have pep. And umph. And both." "Leave me alone, you collossal weirdo." "Urgh! Don't remind me. I am honestly scared out of my mind over what he might be up to." "Well, you go and put your mind to rest, SOLDIER boi." "With Barret carrying the biggest grudges of them all, what lengths will he go to in his attempts to get revenge for his group, Avalance, and all the other things Shinra has done?" "....I want to go home now. Even if my town was burned down to the ground. Even if everyone is dead. I want to go home rather than face Barret in that unbelievably godawful outfit even one more time. Good lord, he does not make that uniform work, like.. at all. Even the Village people would be all 'Are you kidding? Or blind?' if they saw this." "The hell are you mumblin' about, boy?!" "Nothing. I'll... I'll be over here, filling my eyes with saltwater." To be continued....
|
|
|
Post by northlander on Oct 7, 2019 12:20:04 GMT -5
Chapter 9: On the Trail of Mommy's Biggest Fan. "I'd join you in your outrage over how Shinra just dropped a big plate on the slums and killed a lot of people, in addition to killing your old squadmates, but wow, you in that sailor suit just ruins the crap of any chance I'm ever taking anything you say seriously again." "Hey, it was the only thing I could find in my size. And trust me, sucka, I tried wearing a slightly undersized regular uniform, but that one didn't hide my gun arm." "......" "Well, this one doesn't either, but hey, I thought 'if I can't hide it, I should wear something so distracting that they couldn't see it if I waved it directly in their faces, yanno." "I hear you talking, but wow, I've lost my ability to take anything you say seriously for quite some time. I just remember a lot of HNNNNG and GRRRRRR!" "I'ma just jump in wearing this here suit and hope it'll distract them enough that they don't know who is punching them repeatedly." "I hear all this sound, but I can't decipher it at all. Eheh. Hee hee hee." "Oh, just turn around or something, sucka!" "I see mouthflaps moving. I hear something. But I feel like someone is talking to me in a language I can't understand. Fascinating." "The sailorman is talking about butts. I think. Words are melting together into more nonsense." "Oh, for the love of...." "Then why did you ask?!" "Well, at least you aren't losing your mind over my outfit." "I'm a big cat. I don't really have a fashion sense." "I think it's cute." "I see. Wait, what?!" "And you're not the only one, kitty." "I... think I prefer 'big cat'." "Um... guys. Priorities?" "It's just Barret in a silly suit. There's no need to get that floored over it." "Um... Cloud, I don't think that's what he meant." "Urgh! What the hell did they shoot me with? It smells like butts and dead people. I can hardly breathe." "Blurgh! It really does. Well, at least butts. I have no idea what dead people smell like." "But you do know what butts smell like, on the other hand." "Oh, shut..." *urp* "Shut urp? How appropriate." "That's it. The fart shooters need to die." "And they shall die from hot lady." "Yep. Hot lady being a cold lady." "That's Shiva for ya." "She's so... sparkly." "She looks all ready to give our enemies serious frostbite." *grumble* "Or the bugeyes." "Well... it appears we're being scrutinized." "I can't believe they made a mob enemy name into a stupid pun." "Well, let's stab them right in those scrutin' eyes." "Awright. Now yer talkin' mah language." "Yee-haw." "Wind Slash?" "What? Is that... like... gay porn centered around farts?" "Does that mean the two soldiers back then were firing their poot clouds at us because we interrupted them in the act of..." "Let's... not take that train of thought any further." "It's half a Sephiroth serving up a big plate of half a sentence." "Uh... didn't we already cover this? He went crazy, set a town on fire and then decided to take over and destroy the world, because I guess he wanted his one-second rule or something." "Yes, thank you, Mr. Tactless. Excuse me for trying to make sense of things." "Oh, look. Who's a happy little Jenova? Who's a good girl? Well... NOT YOU!" "Good job, Cloud. You made it cry." "So? We were going to blow it up anyway." "You're not going to...?" "...oh, you are. That's one hell of a bomb to drop on the icon of Oedipus complexes." "I will spare Floppy here no expense in embarrassment." "That's... disconcerting." "Hey, did I mention how much I hate the guy for what he did?" "Is he... dismembering his mom and leaving the parts all over the place?" "Yikes! I thought he loved his mom. In all the disturbing ways." "Wasn't that thing missing its head too? You know what that means, right?" "That he's as mad as a mad hatter with a doctorate in madness and hats?" "So, to sum all of this up...." "I don't know why y'all are looking at me." "I know this sounds completely insane...." "No kidding." "But what has he been doing for five years? I'm glad he took his sweet time and all, but..." "Yeah, well... he's a slow reader, I guess." "Ooh, Ifrit. Since Shiva was a hot ice lady, will Ifrit be a cool fire lady?" "I feel like I should slap you for that line, but I'm not sure which angle to approach from." "It does, although calling it 'the Promised Land' is a bit iffy on your part. Well... their part. Shinra and all." "Yeah, they're only calling it 'the Promised Land' because they plan on looting it inside and out." "Yay for profiting on the efforts of other people." "You what? You can't be serious. Did you even see it?" "I did. What of it?" "You have weird tastes." "Well, I did like it, so boo on you." "I know. I'm a regular chatterbox, always steering the conversation off course." "You could at least have helped me convince Barret to give the sailor suit a second go." "Are you mad?! I saw him in it." "I'm standing right here, you know." "Poor Barret. If it's not Cloud putting him down, it's Aeris subjecting him to her mad whims." "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD! YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" "Let's hit the beach while we're here. I know we're short on time and all, but surely we have time for a quick dip." "Also, Rufus and his homies are about to disembark, so we might want to get a move on." "Good point. I don't want to hear Heidegger go 'GYAH HAA HAA' again." "Uh... right." "Well... except for one person." "GYAH HAA uh oh." "GYAH boo hoo." "RESULTS!" "Your comment about your tail is the part that makes the most sense, and that makes me sad." "If we fight, does that mean we're bored?" "I'm bored unless I get to blow something up." "I'm too cool to be bored. But I'm cool because I am bored all the time." "Soft? Is that... like, the Anti-Viagra?" "It's like when you're done with the Viagra and just want the effect to wear off. Just pop a soft." "Just pop a soft. That might be the weirdest thing you've ever said." "I'm too cool to be weird." "Uh... you're wearing your sailor outfit, aren't you?" "I plead the fifth." "Right, well... I'll be outside. If you need me, I won't be there." "Yes, Hojo. On a beach, surrounded by bikini-clad women. This doesn't strike you as massively weird?" "Yeah. He's wearing his lab coat. But don't get me wrong...." "I worry where this is going." "...I'm happy he's not wearing just a pair of swimming trunks." "...of course." "Oh my gooood, that's like so totally weird, girlfrieeeeend!" "Wow, these girls really piss you off, huh, Tifa?" "I can't help it. It's the whole 'braindead valley girl' thing." "So says the girl who has a dream about being a damsel and having someone coming to rescue them." "Oh, shut up!" "It's still really weird hearing that from you. And why the lab coat?" "The world is clearly not ready for this much sexiness. The trunks will have to wait." "Well, clearly." "I don't even know where to start. 'After the same goal' my foot! You don't get to pick one thing we're both working on and then say we are after the same goal, Mr. 'I want to breed Aeris and Red 13'." "My bad. I thought you were smart, but you have no vision." "Can I kick him in the head now?" "Tempting, but I don't want him to get any crazier than this. Who knows what he'll try to mate when he's got a foot-shaped dent in his brain." "That's too bad. I had planned on mating her with a cactuar." "Please let me hurt him now. Lots!" "I'm finding it harder to come up with arguments of why she shouldn't, so you might want to shut up now, Hojo." "It's the first thing you've said that doesn't make me want to punch you. Keep up the good work." "That's not exciting at all. You have no vision." "Don't push your luck." "We need to go, because Hojo isn't the only one I want to punch right now." "I thought these girls sounded kind of smart for basically being Hojo's 'booth babes' at first, but I take that back." "Booty babes?" "Oh God, PTSD!" "I think these guys are going to be noticed whether they walk around naked or not. They all exhude a certain... je ne sais GYAAA!" "Good thing we met Hojo and his 'babe squad' before encountering these guys. Put some things into perspective. Still...... ugggh, the memories." "Now I'm curious." "So am I." "Uh... OK? I thought you were with him at the time. This was during the big crossdressing quest, right?" "Yeah. But I didn't enter the building. I kind of regret that, but that's hindsight for you. Must've been quite hot....er, I mean... terrifying." "....." "Why are you looking at me like that?!" "Uh... way to point out how we're just helping ourselves to whatever we find in any chests we come across." "Except for the one in the chicken nest." "Our hero." "Stop that!" "Ah, 'fire ring'. Sounds like a good description for my butt after I ate the chilli yesterday." "Ew! Too much information." "I don't have a problem with the weather forecast itself, but they coulda done without the smug tone." "I'll make him the third name on my 'punch-in-face to do' list." "I fear it's going to be a long list before everything is said and done." "Yikes! What crawled up your ass and died there?" "Playboy? Uh... I have a hard time reconciling that part with his childhood self." "When we first met, he sounded so... cold and indifferent. I loved it." "Seriously? Man, you city girls are weird." "Were you saying something, Miss. 'I Want To Be A Damsel'?" "Oh, shut up!" "Or what? You're going to put me on your list?" "Maybe not, but you better pray you never get hit with sleep or confusion." "You must be happy to see how the ladies are fighting over you." "Oh, shaddup!" "OK, now I'm just lost." "Well, I have absolutely no idea what's going on, so let's just... go." "I think he's just drunk and yelling at random people for no reason." "The heck is that?!" "Looks like a giant plant surrounded by a sand pit." "Is it like the plant version of Midgar?" "Uh... that makes absolutely no sense." "If only we had a car or something, so that we could pass over these shallows. But now we have to take the long way around." "What... did we just fight." "The urge to kill." "Will you stop staring?!" "Will you stop stretching, you huge braggart?!" "I swear... if your old homestead really is the land of promises, I'll make it switch my chest with yours. Then I'll get to move a lot more freely, and you'll get to be the target of unwanted attention and stupid, unwarranted grudges. And back aches that'll make you want to... oh, stretch a bit after moving around a lot." "There are non-stupid unwarranted grudges?" "No, but there is nitpicking, apparently." "Well, failing to cross the river, we instead have to head into the 'Between The Nutsack Hills' cave." "Thanks, Cloud. I really needed that image in my head." "Hey, have you ever seen a farm animal get castrated?!" "PLEASE STAHP!" "Hee hee." "And you're laughing?" "Yes. Your discomfort amuses me." "There's no love." "Well... let's all head in where the sun doesn't shine." "Why are you... you're all like a bunch of vultures moving in on a potential carcass. Did you know that?!" "Um... yes, thank you for that random info dump." "And why are they so hung up on the black cape? Isn't the fact that he's carrying around an upper body without a head more noticeable?" "Maybe he saw the eyeball nipple and blocked it out of his brain immediately as a precautionary measure." "His eye is twitching. That must be it, then." "How nice of you all to remind him of it, then." "Um... oops. Sorry, sir." "Well, off to enjoy the sun in what didn't end up being a cave after all." "I'm not so sure about the color of said sun, though. Isn't it looking kind of... green-ish?" "YES! VERY GREEN!" "I know green is the color of enviromentalism and all, but this seems very... unenviromental." "Is that even a word?" "It is now!" "I don't think that's how it works." "It does now!" "Uh...." "Well, the sun is orange again." "The world is saved! Yay!" "That tower is kind of ill boding, though." "It's got Shinra written all over it. Well... except literally." "Um... isn't Ifrit a bit of an overkill here? I mean... we just defeated one of them with a regular attack." "I just wanted to try it out. You got your pretty summon in Shiva, so now I want to see some hot dude summons. That's only fair, right?" "Well... I guess he is. Literally." "Boo! I feel cheated." "And burned?" "Stop that!" "Cokatolis? It's a cockatrice!" "Once! Twice! Three times a...." "DON'T YOU EVEN FINISH THAT SENTENCE!" "Oof! Green is my favorite color, but this is a bit much." "Santa has modernized since last we were here." "Santa replaced all his reindeers with trains? That cad!" "Aeris, fighter for deer rights." "I thought y'all were against slavery as a practice." "Well, at least the reindeer get 364 days off, unlike the elves in Santa's workshop." "Maybe Santa is in league with Willy Wonka when it comes to labor management." "I'm a little bit envious of your ability to amuse yourselves on long treks." "...ok, lesson learned: do not punch the bomb creatures." "They look like they're ready to explode." "I recommend anger management classes." "I'd be mad too if my head was on fire." "Ergh!" "Fine! I get it! You may stretch your back." "Why thank you, your majesty." "You're still just doing it to brag, though." "Don't look. Just let them finish their argument. Just... don't pay them any mind." "So.... it has come to this, huh? We're walking on top of a goddamned rollercoaster, and there are machine guns in a chest on top of the tracks of said rollercoaster." "I think it's safe to say that this is the reason why it's been shut down." "Was this chest right next to one with a bomb in it? Because the way that track is torn up sort of makes it look like it." "There's gonna be a signpost at the end of this rollercoaster, isn't there? One saying 'You Risk Your Life' on it, huh?" "What do you mean 'wha? oh, it's you'? We've been travelling together all this time." "And if you know there's a lever at the other end, why didn't you just run there to activate it, Mr. 'Land Speed of 50 Miles Per Hour Because I Have Four Legs To Run With'?" "Are we sticking together, or aren't we? Make up your mind." "Wha? Oh, it's you? Well, what did you find out?" "Smartypants." "This better not be innuendo on your part." "Why did we all have to go in at the same time?" "Stop that!" "OK, the bridge over there lowered, because we totally couldn't just jump down from the track we travelled on to get here." "The labyrinth demands its dues." "Even if it's a lame, low-stakes labyrinth." "Look, ma. I can climb, too." "And pretty soon, we can do the 'top of the world' thing." "Uh... yeah, it is, but we really should leave. Now!" "But whyyy?! It's cute." "Yes!! ...it's cute." "Forget admirable. We need to leave before chicken mommy sees us. If she's not roosting the eggs, that means daddy bird is most likely dead, and mommy bird is the one who has to go out to find food, and if she finds three strangers skulking around her nest when she returns, well.... let's just say I don't relish the idea of having to end mommy and leave two children to starve to death. So yeah, let's go now, before I start wondering how you could reference to this moment earlier today while we were still in Costa Del Sol." "Because you're poor at keeping track of your own story?" "Oh, quiet you!" "OK, setting aside the tracks that lead nowhere, why are there train tracks over a hanging rope bridge? This thing is supposed to support the weight of a goddamned train?!" "Hooray for warm welcomes. And you don't think it's because you expect too much of your bridges? Unless, of course, Barret was the one who made them, but somehow I doubt that. He's fonder of blowing stuff up rather than building anything. Unless, again, that was the problem." "Uh... no, that's... that's not it." "But you do like blowing stuff up." "Well, yeah, I do that now, but...." "The hell do you mean 'that techno-freak'? Technology is awesome when not misused by insane maniacs for the sake of profit and/or power." "What do you mean 'it's all your fault', Barret? How?" "I'll explain later. Just not here." "Gold Saucer. Sounds like a fun place." "It's kind of tacky." "I'm honestly puzzled why anyone would want to live here, though. This place is even more dreary and depressing than Midgar, and that's really saying something." "Well, we can't all have Aerises planting their flowers in dilapidated churches and selling them to random shouty soldiers who run past them." "You weren't really all that shouty, though. Just unnervingly calm about the whole thing, which is SEXAY!!!" "Oh, come ON! Jeez, OK, is there no end to all the ways one might notice a weirdo in a black cape with a numerical tattoo on them? Sure, it's all the rage nowadays to be a crazy, rambling, insane puppet to some strange mental condition. You would not see me do that in a million years!" "How to play 'How Am I Supposed to Continue Living In a Town That Lost Everything'? That doesn't sound like a very exciting game, sir. Your idea of fun sucks, and your little girl is ashamed of you." "Yikes! You put away the kiddy gloves when it comes to children's games, don't you?" "Oh. Well... uh..." "Let's... just... go to where we need to be next." "But we haven't played with the little girl yet." "Yeah, Barret. That blame train was a little bit too hard to ignore." "HOW?! And please don't tell me it's because everyone else says so. Because boy howdy will I have a lot of things to say about your old stomping grounds if they just used you as a scapegoat and hate sink. And understand this: I don't exactly hold you in the greatest respect, especially as an Avalance member, but that thing that just happened was just vile." "Oh, shad... uh, thanks. Or shut up. I feel conflicted right now." "Ah, a coal town." "....." "Wait, what?!" "Wow, you said you were conflicted just now, but... you are fighting to save the planet, yet you used to be a part of a coal town? You know... coal, one of the most enviromentally damaging things to use for energy production or just in general? That kind of coal?" "Well... yeah." "OK. I just... wanted to make sure we were on the same level here. I mean... nobody using coal today isn't as much a 'sign of the times' as a sign that we aren't completely mad anymore. And don't get me wrong: what Shinra is doing isn't much better, but still..." "That's what she said... uh, no innuendo intended. But really, it was a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation of the worst kind." "I remember her. Crazy lady at the meeting we overheard. All too used to telling people what they want to hear so they'll do what she wants, consequences be damned." "I really had to fight the urge to just drop down and slap her in her bitch face." "So.... was Dyne the acting chief of the village or something? Because it almost sounded like it was him against everyone else, even if everyone else was kind of apprehensive about the whole thing, to say the least." "I hope y'all forgive me if I don't remember too well what happened, because it was the most depressing meeting I had ever attended, and the only thing I really remember clearly was that I still had both my hands." "We used to joke that to deal with Shinra, you had to adopt the 'be afraid, be very afraid' stance, because you were only with Shinra for as long as you were massively profitable to them. If not, they'd just cut you loose and leave you to die in a ditch somewhere." "An' if you were wondering whether Corel got screwed over, well... you saw what we just passed through." "......." "So, it was a terrorist attack? With you being there, I'm guessing it's a bit pre-Avalance." "And I suppose there was no reason to prove the Corel peoples had anything to do with that? They lived the closest and were now financially dependant on said mako reactor, so of course they had to want to screw themselves over, because that's how it goes, I guess?" "They dropped a whole giant suburb plate onto the slums just for kicks. I don't really think 'finding the guilty party' is high on Shinra's list of priorities. Especially now that Rufus has taken over." "Well, most of which were delivered as long as we were willing to ignore the long-term damages done by leeching mako directly, but hey... at least you didn't have to use coal and suffer more immediate diseases, right?" "......" "Wow, this is depressing. I think we need a change of scenery." "Well, let's hop into this weird propeller-driven gondola wagon and head for fortune and glory." "Sure, whatever." "Whoa! This thing goes above the goddamned clouds. Er... no pun intended." "Hey, nobody's gonna be above me!" "Glad to see you're not above cracking a joke about your name, though. But yikes, we're heading straight for...." "Heading straight into the unknown can be an exciting thing, and never more than when you leave the world of crushing poverty behind and head into the world of glitz and glam." "Welp... I'm blind." "My vision will probably need some time to recover from this unholy assault." "Somehow, it's my fault that our coal emporium went out with a bang and merciless corporate oppression, and you thought this is just what I needed?" "I... plead the fifth." To be continued....
|
|
|
Post by northlander on Oct 11, 2019 16:55:36 GMT -5
Chapter 10: Taking Care of the Past.... WITH BULLETS! "Oh, you don't say. That's a convenient way to keep all business indoors, isn't it?" "You're never in a cheery mood, but that doesn't mean you can't try." "I have a gun for a hand, but I can still do the one-finger salute with it if you don't leave me alone." "Well, duh." "To tell you the truth, this place is starting to hurt my eyes, and that'd make me cranky too." "But it's so cute. Look, there's a Moogle, and there's a baby Chocobo." "It's all glowy and stuff." "Yes, I wish we could just forget everything. Exactly what are we forgetting? Sephiroth doing something? Your mother not being here? Mine and Tifa's hometown being burned to the ground? All of the above?" "Yes, thanks for listening. And listing. You are our encyclopedia of time." "Oh dear God, here comes my PTSD!" "Uh... hello, weird half-naked strange man. Are you a part of the Manderville family by any chance?" "That's right. Because you gotta be a little crazy to build something like this." "I'll say. You wouldn't happen to know a guy named Mukki by any chance?" "Can't say I do. Why?" "Well, he's a guy who likes to strut around half-naked like you do." "Sounds like a fun guy. You should introduce us some day." "I can do that, but I am NOT joining you backstage." "Speaking of which, we were actually looking for someone." "Well, you seem like a 'putting everything on display' kind of a guy, so... maybe we will?" "You're just saying that to make me regret not following you into the den of debauchery, aren't you?" "Yes. I will not suffer alone again." "Nothing. Just relived some unpleasant memories, Mr... uh... cat on a weird robot suit." "Cait Sith's the name, and fortune telling's the game." "I mean... what's the point of reading the past. It already happened. It's called 'hindsight', and it's always a smartass about everything. 'Well, maybe you shouldn't have done that.' it always says when you do something stupid, and 'See? I told you I was right.' it says when you did something good. So screw hindsight." "Uh...." "Well, that was an interesting way of putting it." "Anyway, fortune, please?" "Oh, right." "Some glitches in your fortune matrix there, Mr. Cait?" "No, I activated the 'general BS for idiots' subsection. Just a sec, let me get to the good stuff." "Why don't you always do that? Does it cost more or something?" "Uh... sure, just invite yourself. Everyone does." "I'm glad we're on the same wavelength, then." "I'd argue against that, but whatever." "The battle arena. I love how it's trying to come across as extra flashy in a place that's so extraordinarily gaudy that it becomes a herculean task on its own to stand out." "This is the most fabulous place in the whole saucer. No, this! No, THIS!!!" "This place is so amazing, he died of excitement!" "Um... no, I don't think that's it." "I know. I was just kidding." "I knew this was the battle arena, but I didn't think it was a fight to the death kind of an arena." "Um... I don't think that's it either." "I know. I was... just making a joke." "......" "I... didn't win... the battle... in the.... arena." "Wait, seriously?" "No, I was.... just.... kidding." *URK* "D'oh!" "What? Wait, no, we can easily prove that we didn't do this." "RUN!" "None of us have guns! We couldn't have done it." "Why aren't you running? Run, run, run, run!" "But...." "I didn't even want to run. Why aren't anyone listening to sense?" "I don't want to hear your excuses. This is an open-and-shut case." "No, it's not! What is the matter with you guys?" "Is that why you made sure we got thrown down here? So we would be the second? And third? And however many of us are down here?" *cough* "I plead the fifth." "Oh, no, you don't." "...find out what's going on yeah sure just go why don't you?" "The comma is your friend. It tells you when to breathe." "Oh, sure, if we're going to take the literal approach." "And if you think that's a ridiculous thing to make a point of, what about the two Barnies at the back?" "Oh, fine! You win this time, game mechanics. I could've escaped that way easily, though." "......" "And we have to deal with this because one idiot wanted to get us into trouble." "Don't hate the cat, hate the hater." "That doesn't even mean anything." "Of course. And who is the boss, I wonder?" "Is it even going to be someone we know?" "Mr. Coats? What style is he rocking?" "Sounds like a stylish man." "And he sure is... if you've got very particular tastes." "Oh, shaddup." "You shoulda just called yourself Mr. Pimp." "H-hey, that's rude." "And why would we not get the boss's permission?" "I would not take away your pleasure of finding out for yourselves." "Don't you 'blah blah blah' me, lady. You're the one who loves questioning everyone about their love life and whatnot." "I do not." "Oh? When you heard me mentioning the name Tifa, the first question you asked me was if she was my girlfriend." "And you said she was." "Excuse me?" "I was just curious how she'd react." "EXCUSE me?!" "You... you... you did that just to get me into trouble, didn't you?" "You got a long way before you learn a woman's heart." "Oh, who's a horsepoop peddler now?" "Did you want anything, or are you just going to bicker like a bunch of harem protagonists?" "We are not harem protagonists!" "I have already been married and I have a little girl. Ask me if I care." "Hmph." "And wipe that smug look off your face, Cloud." "Nope!" "And I'll have you know I only shoot soldiers that stop us from blowing stuff up." "And I take it you weren't planning on blowing anything up in the Saucer?" "Naw. Don't ask me how they keep all these lights running and whatnot, but I'm sure it's not Mako energy." "Your faith in these people is endearing." "Anyway, did you want to hear this story, or didn't you?" "Yes, please." "Wait, it wasn't even finished? I thought the town was destroyed because there was an explosion at the reactor." "A reactor that hasn't been finished yet is still a reactor." "I... OK, you win this time." "This.. this isn't about 'winning', you weird dope." "Our home is on fire. " "Yep." "Someone gotta pay." "Yep." "Shinra's behind this." "Yep." "That's how it went?!" "Yep." "Stay here?! But we're in the line of fire from those Shinra assholes on the bridge." "OK, then don't stay here. Do I have to do the thinking for both of us?" "Clearly, I need to do my own thinking." "And we all know how that went, am I right?" "Oh, shaddup!" "Oh, so your revenge for him making you his meat shield was basically setting off a torrent of death flags? "What?! No, of course not. And it's not like he's dead, right?" "Even after that fall?" "Eh, that's nothing. You fell longer than that." "Yeah, well... I landed in a bed of flowers. I think that's all that needs to be said." "And I need to recognize that quicker for the sake of my sanity." "So he's a leftist? That commie socialist scum!" "Yeah, I'm just gonna let that one pass, or I'll be drawn into the insanity again." "Apologize for what?" "Well, I guess you were one of the people pushing for the mako reactor, but still...." "You know... from this unspecified thing that Sephiroth is planning." "Is there any way we can get out of this pit with our dignity and sanity intact? Even I think this is getting kind of silly." "Darn it, Aeris, what did I say about making sense right now?" "But it's been so long since we heard you go '@#$%!'." "@#$%!, just choose Tifa or Aeris already." "Nonono, I'm sure we'll find a non-shot one if we search long enough." "What am I? Chopped liver?" "Guys, come on!" "Well, he just shot some Shinra troops in the Saucer, so I'd say he's probably happy as a clam right now." "Uh... I wouldn't hold my breath." "Well, I was trying to mentally prepare myself for angry, but completely insane? Not so much." "My lady speaks to me. She tells me bad things. Terrible things." "Barret, can we leave now?" "Hoo boy. I know I've been trying to play it cool, but this guy is just taking this way too far." "Uh... I don't think that's the problem." "I never thought I'd be the one to say this, but... dude, chill." "The people in Corel hate my guts too, you know." "I guess he lost his search function." "Um... why?!" "Because I said so. Also, hate." "All the best reasons. You are a true gentleman, sir." "I don't think this is the best time for sarcasm, Cloud." "There is no such thing as 'not the best time for sarcasm'." "I think his hand being a gun invalidates that argument." "Quite handily, even." "Oh, look who's being sarcastic now." "...." "Yikes!" "Dyne, you seriously aren't suggesting that I take you to Marlene so you can shoot her?!" "Of course. Was I not making myself clear?" "Oh, quite the opposite... which is the least of your problems right now." "Well, either we fight or you take me to her. It's aaaaaall up to you." "I didn't say anything. Well... not for a while now, anyway." "Yeah. The craziness on display here sort of got us stunned." "@#$%!'s sake, Dyne.... this is what you wanted? Just a fight and then an 'urgh'?!" "Aaah, I can feel something again. Something other than hate. Not sure if it's a good thing." "We just did resolve this, and you ask now?" "@#$%!, man... what is it with all the posturing. Is this the fate of all men in this @#$%! story?" "Jeez, I can't compete with this kind of darkness, and I really hope we never do." "We just did, though." "I meant in the future." "Don't jinx us now." "And there he goes. Can this possibly get any more depressing?" "That's how I wanna go, too. If I don't make it, Cloud, do you promise to see me off with a big, loud 'Uuuurrrrrrgh!!!'?" "I... can't make any promises." "Yeah, he didn't 'go up', to put it that way." "CLOUD?!" "I think there's a lesson to be learned from all of this." "Yeah, like 'use your brain before opening your mouth'." "Uh... I was thinking 'don't let hate consume you', but sure, that works too." "And besides, it's not like he didn't just shoot people randomly based on his mood or anything." "......" "'cept he kinda did, but hey.... water under the bridge and all that. Anyway...." "But no @#$%! pressure, hey?" "I like how a goddamned bird race is what separates the guilty from the non-guilty. I mean.... we've already eliminated common sense, due process and a court of law. And... you know, actual detective work." "....but who cares about all of that. Let it all be handled by guilt by association or circumstance, leave the decision of who gets to ride chocobos to a guy who hates everything, and then have the saving grace start with the line 'Hi, I happened to hear your story'. When did we tell the story anyway?" "And how would we go about it if she hadn't happened to hear it?" "Then you ask someone." "Oh, of course." "Hey, y'all ignoring me?" "They usually do that for a bit when meeting someone new. You get used to it." "Yikes! And you clearly don't like to be ignored." "I'm a manager. You ignore your manager at your own peril." "I'll.... take your word for that. Anyway, shall we?" "Criminals?" "Well... yes?" "I'm jockeying for freedom. I have a Ramuh materia, and I'm not afraid to use it." "....." "I'm 'up' and I'm 'coming'. Uh huh huh huh huh." "Get over here, Butthead. It's racin' time." "Your services are appreciated." "Now, ride hard, cowboy. Eheh heh heh eheh heh." "Oh, look who's all Beavis'd up now." "Can't let you have all the fun." "Well, I don't really mind. We had the most depressing moment ever not even an hour ago. But hey, let's do this." "Ouch! And here I thought the fighting arena was garish and visually loud. If I get through this race without becoming blind, I'll consider myself blessed." "Great. Just... just give me a minute until my eyesight returns." "Oh, right, I forgot to give you the helmet with the protective visor. Silly me." "D'oh! Oh ha ha ha ha." "Well... I guess this is a bit more efficient than any justice system I can come up with, which is kind of depressing." "......" "And he doesn't have time for me now, but he sure had time to stand around and pose while randomly meeting people earlier. Or wrongfully accuse them for a crime they could not possbly have committed." "Aeris, why are you apostrophe-quoting stuff? I know what a buggy is. And rivers and deserts." "Cloud, we got a 'buggy'! I'm 'super excited' about that." "Yeah, yeah." "I'll keep that in mind for when we aren't hunting weirdos and their magnificent swords. Also, wow, that stinger with him being popular with 'boys my age'... way to tell me I've been wasting my life, letter." "....." "Wait, you're not in league with that chocobo farm by any chance?" "Aheh. Why, I have absolutely 'no idea' what you're talking about." "With a buggy to make travelling easier, our heroes once again set their sights on the person whom they're hunting for, and with curiously descriptive directions, how could this possibly go wrong?" "Hey, baby. Wanna 'get off' in 'mah buggy'? Uh huh huh huh." "Eheheh heh heh heheheh, you said 'get off'." "Oh, Christ! Get a room, you two." To be continued....
|
|
|
Post by northlander on Oct 22, 2019 16:38:02 GMT -5
Chapter 11: The Planet Has No Mouth And It Must Scream. "Well, anyway, let's head back to City of Compensation and the fields outside. I got a feeling we're gonna meet someone interesting there." "Oh golly gee, Mr. Cloud. Don't keep us in suspense now." "....." "Uh....." "So... this 'interesting person' you were talking about is basically a teenage girl playing at being a ninja?" "Hey! Screw you! I really AM a ninja." "Yeah, yeah. Sure you are." "I feel like I'm watching a terrible school play that I have to endure because my children attend this school." "I know some kids. They are complete sweethearts and would be insulted by that comment." "No, I totally am the baddest of ninjas to ever sneak the earth." "Although not without some humor, I see." "You guys sure need to learn how to play hard to get." "So are we leaving or are we leaving?" "Exit, stage left." "C'mon, you guys. You're just being unfair now." "You coming, ninja lady? We have a very busy schedule ahead of us here." "Oh, you don't know the half of it. Heh heh." "It's a ragtag party requirement." "I'd rather have a ragtime party, though." "Well, we have two tiny little animals of some weird sort here, so what better time to try out that new little summon stone we got, huh?" "Massive overkill, huh? I love it." "Well, we can't be picky. We're hunting a man." "Say no more." "Uh... you're misinterpreting the situation a bit, I think." "It's more fun that way." "I... can't argue against that." "I'm loo-king at the man. On. The mountain." "You go, Michael Ninjackson." "I'm so Bad." "Yes, you're a Smooth Criminal." "What can I say. It's a Thriller." "Girl, You're so Together." "Well, we are on a mission to Heal the World." "Well, shall we Beat It, then?" "Hey, I'm no Dirty Diana." "Should we stop them?" "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you over the mountain rumbling as it rose out of the ground." "Or maybe its the 'guard who wants 10 gil every time someone wants to use the elevator' effect." "Gotta start small, I guess." "He's savin' the economy." "Yes, is someone here in this blasted-out wasteland of a former town?" "....." "Uh...." "Turns out, there is." "And he likes you, Tifa. Congratulations." "Uh... I'm not sure how I feel about that. They're interesting dudes, but they work for Shinra." "And Tifa is a pretty easy person to like." "I'm sure I can guess why." "And here we go again. So... Yuffie, would you like to have a much bigger chest?" "No thanks. I wouldn't be able to be this awesome if I had two giant lumps of flesh hanging outwards in the front area." "See? She understands." "Oh, shaddup." "And see, Aeris? You do have a fan." "Tseng? Well, that explains why he's been so persistent about picking me up. Well... aside from the fact that he's been trying to do that since I was a little girl, so... ew?" "Well, I'd ask how they'd know that you like Tseng, but to be honest, I don't really care." "H-hey, that's rude. And mean." "What does Rude have to do with this?" "No, I mean you are rude." "What? I'm not. He's standing over there, see?" "Argh! You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?" "I feel like I'm attending a high school reunion here." "Or even a middle school reunion." "And they're so rude." "No, I'm right here." "Don't you start with me!" "You mean when we couldn't stop you from dropping a giant plate and killing so many poor people? Yes, there definitely needs to be some payback for that." "Glad we're on the same page here." "Well, I'm about to tear one out of the rulebook here, so I suggest you brace yourselves." "Erm... 'Kill it with fire' is just an expression." "Not in this world, it ain't." "....." "That is the least dignified exit ever." "He even just slowly saunters off with his fist still raised in that boxing stance, as if that didn't look completely ridiculous." "Are you sure that's smart? If they're one step ahead of us, we really should be careful." "I. Trust. Everyone." "But..." "EVERYONE!" "Yep. This place is completely borked." "Stop web!" "But how do you shot web?" "These are the mysteries that keep me up all night." "Wouldn't it be more correct to say he was blown up into many tiny bits?" "That is correct, sir. Also incredibly insensitive, but correct." "Oh, thank you. Well, what can I say?" "Oh, how about SOMETHING CONSIDERABLY LESS INSENSITIVE?!" "Then let us all shout out our displeasure with this... uh, megaphone? Is this a weapon?" "It is for me. Give it here." "Or wait, M-phone stands for something else, doesn't it? Like... mobile phone?" "Um.... I can use that." "Wait, I got it! It's a... um... Multiphone. You can call several people on it at the same time." "You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?" "I'll get back to you on that, but I just got a call. Hello?" "Um... yes, that is what explosions do. Or hurricanes. But mostly explosions." "So, this is two for two Mako reactors that have exploded. And given the whole 'no railings' thing, I think it's safe to say that Shinra not only doesn't care about safety, but are dangerously inept at it." "Are you OK, there, Barret? You got kind of a huge derp face going on." "Yeah, wow. It's the whole 'Shinra being dangerously inept at safety' thing." *cough* "You OK? I didn't know robot bodies could even get colds." "Uh... yes, technology is amazing, isn't it?" "Well, that sounds disconcertingly familiar." *cough* "Jeez, the cold is spreading. Do y'all need a liedown or something?" "Uh.... no, we're OK." "Uh... you two are weirding me out here. I mean... Aeris I can understand; she did mention having a boyfriend before, but it almost looks like she possessed Tifa's body in the process, and now you two are doing things so synchronously that I'm having a serious The Shining moment here." "They just... left. At the same time. Walking out like a soldier in a parade, and not like I did when I purposefully messed up a parade for the President. Am I being rude or something? What's going on?" "Do you think you sound the least bit convincing after storming out of the room almost synchroneously with Aeris over basically the same exact information?" "Look, I don't want to talk about it, OK? Why don't you go check on Aeris. I mean... it's her ex, after all. And the whole thing about his story...." "Living in our quiet countryside towns being bored out of our minds because we couldn't be a part of SOLDIER. Doesn't sound very good in hindsight, does it, being a part of a military force of people who are... less concerned about their non-millitary citizens?" "Well... anyway, I'll go check on Aeris, then, now that we've gotten our little sarcasm one-upmanship thing out of our systems." "You told me you had a boyfriend, but you didn't mention any actual names. But I can put two and two together, I'm not that stupid. Although you told me about it right before we got pulled into your weird cross-dressing shenanigans, so my memory is a bit fuzzy on the whole thing." "Um... yeah, sorry about that. If it makes you feel any better, both me and Tifa felt kind of put off when Don Corneo chose you over the two of us." "Uh... no, not really." "Well, gee, this is making my amnesia look a lot worse now. Like... fuzzy worse." "I'm sure it'll be fine." "Also... ladies' man, huh?" "Well..... at least I think he was. Charming bastard!" "Uh... you were dating him, right?" "Well, a couple of times. I guess we didn't get all that far in the big dating game before he... well, disappeared. I just assumed he was busy or, like I said, found someone else." "Hm. Well, that sounds rather low-key for a love drama. You gotta learn how to spice it up, girlfrieeeeeeend." "A hidden desire, more women than could possibly be beaten away with a meat stick. Zack, the mack. And the many girls he met on the job." "Getting better. But we should probably stick with the original when we tell his parents, though. And definitely not use the words 'meat stick'." "So you don't think I should milk that for all it's worth?" "Amusing as it is to imagine you milking a meat stick, maaaybe not in front of parents who might still be grieving." "Well.... OK, that would probably be best." "And you did that on purpose, didn't you?" "I might. Imagine away." "Oooh, such a saucy, evil grin. I love it." "Well... here we are. New car, new place, new fun things to find out about this world." "But no parking space outside of this place? That's just poor customer service." "Nah, we run more of a 'just park wherever you please, as long as it's not on top of something.' method here in the sticks." "All that and an observatory tower on top. We really can have our cake and eat it too, can't we?" "Science tower, windmills seemingly powering everything and a big, ole campfire smack dab in the middle of the ground floor. If that doesn't scream and shout 'rustic, enviromentally friendly village', I don't know what does." "Yes, it is I: LeClerk." "Wait, so you do have a name? Then what was up with the whole 'I don't care what you call me' comment of yours back when we escaped from Shinra HQ? I mean... 'Nanaki' is a perfectly usable name, and a nice one to boot, given by people who probably didn't want to name you after the location of their heads at that very moment. Why wouldn't we want to call you by that back then too?" "Yeah, I mean... I could maybe understand it at the very beginning when you had no reason to trust us, but by the time we reached Compensation Town, I really think there shouldn't be any doubt left." "Sorry, I guess I just forgot about it, and I was so used to being described as Red 13 anyway." "How long had you been a captive there anyway?" "Eh, not that long. I dunno. To be honest, most of my memories there are kind of a blur, since they mostly consisted of Dr. Hojo raising me up through the elevator and another animal or monster or whatever, and then just sitting there and staring at us." "Ergh! So he didn't just try to mate you with Aeris." "And boy, am I glad I didn't realize that until he said it too. It was already awkward enough to see him just sit there and stare at me and whoever I was paired up with that day." "There we go. Our city is less full now." "Now that is customer service. Or... you know, service." "Yikes! OK, sorry to hear about your father. Still, where could he have gone to?" "Don't know, don't care. I'm sure we'll never see him again anyway." "I wonder what his grandpa might look like. You don't often see older lion... panther... puma.... say, Nanaki, what kind of kitty are you anyway?" "Dunno. I'm me. I'm fine with being either a lion or a puma, since I have the coloring of one anyway. As for my grandfather, well.... he's not going to be quite what you expect." "Well, color me intrigued." "I wonder who came up with the word 'cocktail', especially since it's being used to describe an alcoholic drink. Was it during a drunken bender where someone ended up tearing the ass off a rooster?" "I dunno. I work in a bar, and I have no idea." "I do get a mental image in my head about some guy trying to brag about how the clawmarks on his face for his troubles were really 'this hot date' they had the night before, though." "As for what replicas have to do with competitions.... well, your guess is as good as mine." "Is that how far your imagination stretches, kid? He obviously sealed the door with noseboogers imbued with magic." "Boys!" "Hee hee. *cough* ...yes, boys!" "Ooh, a closer look at the science peaks." "That is one badass telescope at the top too." "Uh.... I wasn't sure what to expect, but I didn't expect an old man levitating on a floating orb lower body? What is this? Shagma? I am honestly a bit surprised that you are the grandfather of our kitty friend here. Were you a part of Dr. Hojo's weird fetishy experiments as well?" "Oh, so he's an adoptive grandfather, then. That would explain the... difference in looks." "Ohoho, well, it's a known fact that the Bugenhagen family were eccentric, but none of us would go quite that far." "And we're already off to the deep end. Must be an easy place to traverse for an old, floaty guy." "Ohoho, I do miss my old legs sometimes, but floaty orbs are convenient too." "OK, that took a weird turn. Or a creepy one. I'll have you know Aeris will probably not stand any competition in the 'listening to the voices' market!" "......" "And now I feel bad about calling Bugenhagen out on the 'voices' thing, but never Aeris." "The sound of the stars in the heav-... wait, I remember this from science classes. Do you have any idea of how long it would take for SOUNDS to reach us? From stars far, far away? Never mind we'll be seeing them go out, and even that would take some time. To say the speed of light far, FAR supercedes the speed of sound would make quite the understatement. Even in SOLDIER too. At least the sound part. And even so, that's something you're going to figure out on your own anyway. I mean... I can maybe buy that you can listen to this planet, but to hear the sounds from the stars? By the time we hear that, said stars are long, long, loooong gone. And that's not even going into how sound needs an actual atmosphere to travel in. There is, after all, no sound in space that you can hear." "Ohoho, so young and already so smartypants. Even scientists need to be a little romantic about things, or we'll end up a bunch of bores. That said, the planet does have a voice, you know. And we'd do well to listen in this case." "Uh.... his 'apparatus'? I'm not sure I want to see that. Do you even have one, given your 'no legs' situation? Maybe Dr. Hojo took away your original 'apparatus'." "You guys are weird." "Ohoho, you are an amusing lad. I can tell Nanaki is in good hands." "Well, the girls can hardly keep their hands off him, that's for sure." "Hey, I can't help it if they're crazy cat ladies." "Uh... well, I wouldn't want it to get crowded or anything." "Come on, Grandpa. You know your apparatus can fit more people than that." "I swear... you guys are doing this on purpose, aren't you?" "Yes, Bugenhagen wants to show us his apparatus, and I ain't taking that trip alone." "...what?!" "That guy better not be related to Hojo." "Just be glad you weren't listening in on the conversation we just had." "Whoa!" "Groovy, man. Groovy." "Well, hold on tight, ladies and gents, because I'm going to bring y'all a little closer to space." "I swear... if he gives me pills or ridiculously tiny pieces of paper...." "Space is a wonderful thing, and certainly relevant to what we are about to learn. For, when people who are a bit too into the well-being of their mother, they are also going to learn how inhospitable space can be. For as we all know: in space, nobody can hear you scream." "I hope you mean just stargazing, because otherwise I'd ask you how exactly you know how this is just like the real thing. Because both Bugenhagen and I can give you a little lesson on how space works on the naked human body." "So, you'd say we'd never go to space?" "Well... it'd take some pretty extraordinary circumstances, at least." "Hah. As it that would ever happen." To be continued....
|
|
|
Post by northlander on Oct 26, 2019 6:22:12 GMT -5
I'ma have to take a break on The LP this week. Real Life just ate the hell out of the ass end of the work week and beginning of the weekend.
|
|
|
Post by northlander on Nov 4, 2019 11:32:19 GMT -5
Chapter 12: A Hero's Tale Not Told. "Oh, look at all this fantastic technolog-oooh, a shooting star. Faaaab." "I can't help but feel that was directed at me." "Nonono. I mean... you think it's awesome that we're seeing all this. I think it's awesome that we're seeing all this... inside a house. Must be something in the air." "Are you two having a fight about someone else's home?" "No, I'm just notably impressed." "And I see beyond the walls." "And I am distracted by two idiots." "Well, this took a turn for the weird." "Eh, I talk to the planet all the time. No big deal." "You take soul-searching very seriously, don't you?" "I'm planning on starting the Lifestream Tinder service. Find your soulmate." "Swipe left, swipe right, swipe away the night. Feel reborn the next day." "Ooh, I'm stealing that." "You mean you're swiping it?" "Ooh, I'm stealing that too." "Swiping!" "Stealing!" "Swiping!" "Shut up!" "So... you're saying that people are born because there is enough free energy for them to do so? Or, more importantly, when all the available energy is in use, it's safe sex for everyone?" "You've... you've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?" "Well... I have to admit that a lot of this doesn't make any sense to me either." "Have less children, make the world green again." "Or at least have less Shinra prospects." "OK, enough from you two." "Yay, PSA!" "I'm going to feel like I'm in school again, aren't I?" "Yeah, it must have been fun to be around you during puberty." "And we're back to this again, miss. 'I Used To Have A Boyfriend'. And I'm guessing he did at least look you in the eyes when he was talking to you?" "Yes, well... can we please pay attention to the screen now?" "Whoops. Uh... sorry. And thanks for not staring." "I'm getting too old for this." "Please tell me he isn't peeing from the top of the planet." "It's a guy thing, isn't it?" "Well, we are peeing with our 'thing', yes, but I'm not going to take this standing up." "Not sure if serious or just taking the piss here." "I can do both things standing up too. How's that for multitasking?" "Are they always like this?" "Yes. And sometimes, I join in." "You're just messing with me now." "And that, boys and girls, is how the Milky Way was created." "EW, STOP! What are you?! Twelve?!" "Not far off to be honest." "OK, so spirit energy isn't a constant?" "I guess this takes care of that plot hole." "I just feel sorry for your teachers." "Oh, I like that ominous cliffhanger ending to your lesson. Very 'if you don't do what I say, you doom the world'." "Well, we are turning the world's magical pee into magical stones." "And that is how science is ruined forever." "Well, it really would suck if it turns out that all our magical materia that we have been using to progress through this story is our lost loved ones." "In a very roundabout way, yes." "I'm guessing my 'cover' materia is made by my mom, then. Because she was always very much a helicopter parent." "That was quite the change in subject, by the way." "Well, we're done with the 'Spirit, Spirit, the magical pee' part, so my mind wandered back to something Nanaki said when we entered this place." "We should talk with the others first, though. Just to check how we can deal with that." "And we need to update them on the cosmic pee parts too." "Barret will be particularly happy, I think." "Did you... smoke something? Someone didn't offer you a pipe or something, right?" "Yes. I mean no. I mean... oh, it's so far away, man." "Oh dear lord. And no warning from Nanaki about this either." "Cloud, why are you floating off the ground?" "And you peoples did nothing either?" "What? Are you kidding? This is hilarious." "My new best friend." "Well... that grounded us all real quick. Thanks for ruining the fun, Miss Special." "At least she's sad about that fact? Like... she's not 'yay I'm the only special one left now'." "Oh, you're here, Nanaki. So... what's your take on Tifa's state right now?" "I can see rainbows." "Uh.... I knew I forgot to warn you about the cookies." "The what? Well... I guess it makes sense, since Tifa isn't smoking." "She sure has the munchies now, though." "I am going to eat all the cookies! MOUHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "And then she's going to throw them all back up again." "Wait, you've been here before?" "And you can put two and two together. You impress me, SOLDIER boy." "No power stations will ever be safe again. Do it for the coal." "Do it because you care." "Do it for the materia." "I have to admit I love your jab against me by completely missing the point of Avalance to begin with." "....." "Well... not that I'd understand why anyone would think coal is a better option -- well, it is, but only really, really marginally -- than mako energy." "There's more to this ninja than meets the eye." "Ninja is just a hobby. I major in science and biology." "See, now that's the kind of people Avalance could use more of. Not just idiots with explosives." "Uh... maybe we should step aside for a bit. This sounds all kinds of private and awkward." "No, please stay. There is something we need to dive into, and we need at least two of you for that." "Party of three, huh? I think I can see where this is going." "But what does that have to do with my father?" "Right. Tifa, it's time to shake that high and punch it in the gut." "I am punch." "Nanaki, did you not warn them about the cookies?" "I forgot, grandpa. Sorry." "I feel like that's my job in a nutshell. Walk in front with my sword out." "OH NUDGE NUDGE WINK WINK SAY NO MORE!" "I'm... going to refrain from asking you to embellish on that." "Yes, yes. Walk more, talk less." "Well, this is clearly a rabbit hole we won't come back from unscathed." "And you're complaining about this?" "Nah, more like bored. Probably." "Oh boy, I think I know where you bake your cookies." "OH NUDGE NUDGE WINK WINK SAY NO MORE!" "So... when will they be wearing off. Because I don't know if I can take more of this." "She should be back to herself after a good night's sleep." "And it will be the hardest night I've ever experienced." "OH... OH... SAAAAAY NO MOOOOOORE!" "Why would you even... it's a rock! It's going to dent your sword. Dull your edge." "Who says I'm going to use the pointy end?" "WIIIIIINK!" "I have to stop doing that." "And these two agree with you." "Gi Spector? What did they do? Murder supermodels and imprison their wives?" "In hindsight, not the best name for a ghostly being, right? Were the supposed to be known as 'specters', maybe?" "I wonder if they're full of regret. What's your take, Tifa?" "I think it's punch 'o clock." "Sounds great." "So... the only enemy that doesn't look like a snake is called 'sneky step'? How does THAT make any sense?" "SneAKY step." "Well, if you can get behind a snek, you HAVE to be sneaky." "But the actual snakes are called 'Heg'? ...why?!" "Hey, don't ask me. I've never been here before." "Well, neither have I." "Seriously? But you've lived here in this town." "I thought it was just a fridge. And besides, I don't have hands." "Victoly!" "Yay victory stretch!" "Hmm. Maybe Aeris had a point." "In fact, she has two OH NUDGE NUDGE!" "One more day.... one...." "You OK there, Cloud? You don't look so good." "Damn it, Cloud. Wasn't having to fight two wifebeaters enough? Now we have to fight three." "Sorry, man. When I see a rock, I just have to break it. I know I have a problem." "Uh... that's... good." "....." "Yeah, I got nothing." "CLOUD! NO!" "OH GOD SOMEONE HELP ME!" "Oh. Nothing." "Weirdly enough, I feel kind of disappointed." "Oh, so it doesn't have anything to do with mad record producers?" "No, not at all." "And you didn't say anything back then because....?" "It was hilarious." "You have a very peculiar sense of humor." "Cloud... this needs to stop." "Oh, fine!" "So.... why do I feel like I'm a contestant on a gameshow right now?" "Well, we had to get our entertainment somehow." "You're... uh, you're kidding, right?" "....yes." "That was a pause. Oh dear lord...." "Ohohoho." "And you're no help. Well... on matters that don't require any punching, at least." "And if I choose the far right entrance, I return at the far left. Feels like a political statement, but what would I know about that?" "That makes no sense to me, but at least you could eliminate two doors in one exploration hike." "It's almost like you'd find the most sense in either the middle path, or the ones to the slight left or right. Sounds good to me." "Daddy Longlegs, is that you?" "And this is a ghost of all the spiders that had their legs pulled off and then just left to starve to death, I assume?" "Well... yes." "Oh wow, I can't even be snarky about that. I mean... I've squashed my share of spiders, sometimes out of panic, but that's..." "Why is it called 'Stinger', though? I thought that was a bee thing?" "Well, why don't we ask the Fairy Ring?" "Hey, remember those things we fought near the ruins of that exploded city?" "Oh, definitely. Also, nice to see you return to normal again." "Yes, I feel a lot better now." "I envy you for your spiritual control." "Gagighandi? Shouldn't they be more peaceful or something?" "Are we sure that's not Gigagandhi?" "That's a lot of Ghandi." "But more importantly, who equipped caterpillar threads on a two-horned triceratops." "Biceratops?" "Biceratracks?" "I smell a toy franchise." "Well.... this place is busted, let's see if we can't find anything useful here." "Maybe we coulda used that Biceratracks for something." "Well, we already have a car. And I don't think it'll fit." "Let's just tow it for now. I'm sure we could've found something for it to do. Eventually." "Let's hide." "But I want to slap her. Right in the face." "And I'm sure you'll get that chance, but for now, we have more important things to focus on. So... hide?" "Oh, fine! But only because it's not punch 'o clock yet." "Someone has seen Space Mutiny, clearly." "Did Slab Bulkhead say something?" "Fridge Largemeat would disagree." "Good thing Splint Chesthair is clueless about things like that." "Blast Hardcheese shouldn't be so quick to judge." "Buff Drinklots doesn't have anything to add to the discussion, though." "Punch Rockgroin is going to go nuts if they don't wrap it up soon. Or for the nuts. Or both, as you would." "Slake Fistcrunch need to turn it down, so Buff Hardback and Crunch Buttsteak don't hear us." "Did Touch Rustrod say something?" "Roll Fizzlebeef heard wrong and should focus on his job." "Big McLargeHuge gets to live another day." "Urgh! Don't remind me. That's just mean." "Why does Rufus even keep him on when he's basically just about useless. And why are you looking at me like that?" "Oh, nothing." "And Titan wasn't good enough for them?" "Eh, Titan's low-end summon materia. It's fine now, but eventually, we'll only rely on it if a mob is weak against earth." "That's how it goes, I guess." "It's a sad world." "Well, let's say farewell to this weirdly open field as we look back on Blast Hardcheese and his failed mission to find Big LargeHuge materia." "I don't even want to think about what kind of summon you get with the Biglargehuge materia." "Well, anyway, who wants an X-potion." "I don't even want to know what that potion does. If it ups cup sizes, I'd... rather not." "Hmmmm....." "And you! Don't drink it." "I... I wasn't going to." "I saw how you were staring at that bottle." "I'm a bit less entertained now." "OK, I can see where this is going." "Yeah, it's not going to be a huge plot twist after that comment." "HA HA HA! 'Turbo Ether'? Seriously? Wow, I take back that 'X-Potion' sounded like the dumbest name ever. Turbo Ether? When will we be getting Super Ultra Maxi Force Ether Plus in our chests?" "We are traversing the cave of 12 year olds, aren't we?" "Boss introduced with poetry. You're an artist, Grandpa Bugenhagen. You're a genius." "Why, thank you. Now, are you ready to fight the critic?" "Yes, let us fight Floating Samurai Man Ghost." "Sounds like the perfect time to whip out that materia we got in Blownup City, because that'll teach that asshole to interrupt my grandpa's conversation." "And it's called 'Anger of the Land' too. As if you weren't a big enough weird Native American stereotype as it is." "What's 'America'?" "Dunno. Just a thought I had." "Now, there is Mr. Big LargeHuge." "Butch SlabLift." "Punch RockFist." "Well... it's dead, whatever that was." "The Gi Legion? The one that is many." "Or the many that are one. Apparently." "Anti legion." "Oof. I've earned this." "Hey, let me try too." "Uh...." "And arms up and to the back. Shoot your chest forward." "Kitty aerobics. That's adorable." "I'm the cutest mofo in town." "Uh..." "Yes, the thing you started on before Mr. Rude Samurai interrupted us." "I'm just curious why this information requires Nanaki to be strong, though. Like physically strong rather than mentally." "I can be both, you know." "It's so light." "If we use this, can we make the mobs fall upwards?" "INTO SPACE?!" "Uh... if you want to." "Yep!" "This is about to get really ridiculous, isn't it?" "Uh... dad?" "Well, I didn't expect him to be so... petrified." "Or so... penetrated." "Uh... by spears." "Well, I'm glad we're all taking the dignified approach here." "Even when he couldn't move at all, he protected this canyon." "Even when he looked more like a hedgehog." "And he even protected them all after the Gi ran away." "Not that he had much choice in the matter. What with... you know, the whole petrification thing." "One question, Mr. Bugenhagen, and I swear it's not a tactless one." "OK? Let's hear it." "WHY?! Like... you all knew, except Nanaki. Why didn't you tell him?! He grew up hating his father, and I'm pretty sure you noticed. Why did you agree that he wouldn't be allowed to learn about the sacrifice his father made to keep you all safe? Why did anyone think that would be a great idea?" "Well, it seemed like a great idea at the time." "No, it didn't!" "Yeah, sure. I mean... I'm not all that happy with you right now. This... this absurd reason to..." "Cloud, let's just step outside... well, inside... to cool down a bit. "That makes no sense either." "There, there. Save it for when it's happy hour and punch 'o clock." "That sounds kinda depressing, Grandpa. Coupled with the fact that you and mom made the choice to let me live with my somewhat false assumption about my father, I'm not sure what to think right now." "Yes, well, I just started thinking, so...." "OK, I can do that." "That's good, my lad. Besides, we can't break up a good party." " Man, I'm going to tell you. You are going to get so told." "We shall shout it from the mountaintops, like we were two actors in an inspirational video." "You're..." "Uh... dad? You're kind of crying me a river here. Aren't you supposed to be petrified?" "....." "Dad, please... please stop. You're embarrassing me here." "And so goes the story of the father that wasn't a coward after all, and the mystery of why that had to be kept a secret instead of being a backstory for a proud son. Some mysteries aren't written in stone, at least not in such a metaphorical way. Where do we go from here?" "Shouldn't we wait for Nanaki? He might be crying up a storm right now." "Yeah, given what his jackass mother and grandfather did, that wouldn't surprise me." "Uh... what the heck happened in there?" "Revisionism, that's what. The worst kind." "I'll... uh, take your word for it." To be continued....
|
|
|
Post by northlander on Nov 10, 2019 12:41:43 GMT -5
Chapter 13: It Came From The Cellar. "Uh... you grew a little? I think I'll refrain from asking for details." "His heart grew ten sizes that day." "Not as much as his father's tears." "Big wobbly eyes desu all over the place." "Oh, I can see my house from here. I think." "Yeah, I'd be unsure if I lived in a river too, and one that people were driving over all the time too." "Well, aren't you gonna be let down when we get there?" "Wasn't the place burned to the ground?" "Yeah. Good thing there wasn't a coal mine nearby, I guess." "Wassat supposed to mean?" "Maybe we didn't have a mako reactor nearby, but at least we had a mansion, some really creepy mountains and the old homestead of Jenova the marvellous headless lady with an eyeball for a nipple." "Well, don't leave us hanging. Show us the ruins formerly known as your old stomping grounds." "....yes, that's what flames do: emit intense heat." "You don't understand." "Yeah, this place was burned to the ground!" "And then rebuilt?" Oh, sure, I wouldn't have been so surprised if that was the only thing about it, but they rebuilt my childhood homestead down to the last detail." "I... uh, OK, that is kind of creepy." "So... you two really lived here, right?" "Yeah!" "Indeed. I mean... Cloud may suffer from amnesia and all, but I don't. And this is clearly our old home town. And... not." "Right! Should I be worried?" "If you want to." "Hmmmm.... no, I don't think you'll go very far in Gaia's Got Talent with that song." "Well, with those lyrics, I can understand why he placed twelfth." "I bet he didn't even SALTZA!" "Are you sure you lived here before?" "YES! I mean... are you gonna believe us or Mr. 12?" "Well... he does a mean growl, and lord knows Gaia's Got Talent could stand being a bit more metal." "Is that why you stabbed the judges when you entered a few years ago?" "WHAT?!" "Juuust kidding." "Oh, you bastard. That was horrible and clever and I love you." "He's number six." "That's a third of the number of the beast. He's 1/3rd a beast, that man is." "Anyone low on their luck at the moment?" "And straight from the source too. That's the good stuff." "Luck, luck, the magical drug. The more you need, the more you chug." "Well, we already had our turn at the Golden Saucer, so let's just save them for later." "Uh... he wants to become 'one with Sephiroth', whatever that means." "He's number five. He's going to have to contend with four people, and when he's settled in inside Sephiroth, in comes Mr. Metal, the one-third beast." "Sounds like great fun." "OK, so not only is this place not burned to the ground, but people are living here and making us sound like a bunch of crazypants." "And yet, the place is also filled with these numbered weirdos who all want to be inside Sephiroth." "I'm going to track down David Lynch and punch him in the groin for this." "...." "....uh.." "So.... Shinra basically rebuilt this city as it was, and then had the staff act like its residents? Why would they even... that makes even less sense than the 'let's keep Nanaki from learning the truth and have him think his father was a coward instead' plan Bugenhagen cooked up alongside Nanaki's mom." "Maybe Shinra wanted to break into the movie industry?" "When method acting go completely bonkers." "Look, we already read the report, you insane bastards. Now get back to work, or Hojo'll have you all on his animal supervision and breeding program." "Whoa! I've never seen anyone go pale that quickly and severely. We really did get to you in the nick of time, didn't we, Aeris?" "Yes, yes. I am ever so grateful." "OK, enough about Sephiroth now. Jeez, and I thought I was a fanboy." "Invasion of the Sith Lords." "Uh... 'I hid a guy I hated downstairs. You can find him yourself if you like'. Sounds like a swell idea." "Oh yes, I can see that will lead to a lot of interesting conversations." "I love the reverse psychology and the passive aggressiveness on display here." "Erm.... right. The lid with the most oxygen." "Scientists have worked for years and years and years finding a way to combine tea and ray." "Beam me up a cuppa, Scotty!" "Is it weird that I open this chest, find a 'magic source' inside of it, and my first thought was '...meh.'?" "At this point in time? Not really." "Boy, does this place bring back memories. Just over there is where Sephiroth went from being an admirable, stand-up guy to an absolute nutter. And judging by recent events, he hasn't exactly recovered from that." "Why is it so purple?" "Atmospheric lighting." "Oh." "How would you even..." "I just thought I'd get that last memories high before I doom the planet." "That's mighty swell of you." "You're aware that we're surrounded by sith apprentices, right?" " They have your number." "And here is the passive-aggressiveness again." "I will tell you where I'm going, but don't follow, because you have no right!" "Do you wish to knoooooow?" "Concepts? Buzzwords? Money erupting from the ground. Shareholders, happy. This is the future, now!" "Cloud, let me... let me borrow that materia juuuust for a bit." "Yeah, I'm sure the scientists that kept these two captive inside two containers never noticed this. What kind of nincompoops were held captive here anyway?" "Oh, some reports on the poor saps. Hmm." "Two SOLDIER boys? Uh oh." "Don't make them out like they're in some weirdass nursery rhyme." "Consciousness, the biggest contributor to diminished returns." "Shot for resisting capture. Well, that defeats the purpose of a recapture, doesn't it?" "That's Shinra for you. 'If you try to resist, we'll just shoot you. And then we'll tell our next capture what an idiot the last one was'." "That's... probably horrifically efficient. Probably." "Snake, is that you?" "Ja, ve need zhe tvin viper for zhe front vindov of our car." "Zhe rain iz just horrible at this time of zhe year." "Of all the odd things to face...." "What the hell is he even sitting on?" "Well, it won't be my face, that's for sure. If he tries, I'll tell him exactly how little I love him." "Well, gee, he had to try anyway, didn't he? Do you think he got the message?" "I could hear his skull cracking even from here. I imagine her sitting on his face might not be the most pleasant thing for quite a while... assuming he survives, that is." "And we got ourselves a new M-phone for our efforts. Who wants to shout in the ear of a millionaire?" "Don't we have someone to find here? How about we focus on that?" "Jesus! I don't know what just happened, but we're in a mansion, and then a moogle face appeared on the wall like the weirdest and most adorable version of The Exorcist ever. And then, there was a BOOM. The end!" "What can top that insanity, you might wonder?" "Is... is he playing Red Light, Green Light?" "Approach with caution. And when green." "He's not turning around like he's supposed to, though." "...and I think I know why." "What?!" "Could you at least wait until we won the fight before you start doing victory stretches?" "Hey, stop complaining. The boss was good and distracted, wasn't it?" "HEY! WE RECEIVED A KEY ITEM?!" *sigh* "Get it?! It's a key item because it's a key." "YES, VERY CLEVER! THANK YOU! And it's helpfully named 'Key to the Basement' too." "K to the B, eh?" "Oh, my... uh, I mean OH EM GEE!" "If a zombie has two heads, does it need to eat two brains?" "Good thing I've partied up with you two, then." "Oh, snap, son. But won't that just mean both heads will gnaw at your cranium? You'll be caught up in the crossfire." "Crosschewing. And doesn't that thing look very cross or what?" *sigh* "Well, maybe I can put them together and make one good one." "Aeris, please... just... stop. I told you it's not as much fun as it might look, and again, ask Yuffie." "Do you need any coffin pills?" "You're asking me to rate my dream? On... a negative scale? How weird are you people, asking this from a stranger? And after the lamest pun ever, might I add." "Oh, you have no idea. As for the pun; if that's the worst you've ever heard, consider yourself lucky." "I never consider myself lucky." "As amusing as this absurd little conversation is, I am nevertheless a bit disturbed about how quickly you two have bonded." "I am a loner. I have no time or patience for getting close to someone, because I must walk the cool path." "I so know what you're talking about, homeslice." "And now they're in perfect sync with each other. This just keeps getting better and better." "But which one of them said 'you start first'?" "Don't know, don't care. The only part I care about is when we say 'bye bye'." "Oh, it was Vincent who said Cloud should go first. There we go." "Oh, thank God. Now I can sleep again at night. Maybe." "You done? Can we go now?" "You're all heart." "And he's all silence and secrets. We really should go, you know. Sephiroth to catch and all that." "Well... not that I'm one to talk." "You don't say?" "But he did. Why are we still talking?" "We're bonding! There's a difference." "No, we're not." "No, you're boring! That's the difference." "No, I'm not! I'm deep and mysterious." "Pshyeah, right! Swoon me a river, Angstman." *AHEM* "As I was about to say...." "Lucre... one name after the other sounding more and more important by the minute." "Uh... sorry, can't say I have. It's not a name you hear very often -- or in my case, never -- so.... who is she?" "Um... OK, now I'm lost. Lucrecia was Sephiroth's mother, but Jenova of the eye boob also was his mother? Did the two visit the local sperm bank? Or... wait, I just imagined Hojo running one of those and now I feel unclean." "AUUUUGH!" "Maybe he even planned on sending Nanaki there too, if Aeris had been... somewhat less cooperative." "The uncleanliness spreads." "How could you do this to us, Cloud?" "It was worth it just to see your expressions." "Did you try pressing the 'cancel' button?" *gasp* "Why didn't I think of that?!" "Really? I mean... really really? Or just sarcasm?" "Sarcasm. It was an experiment conducted by two human beings. There is no cancel button." "So what did you expect me to do? Flog myself? Excessive self-paddling? Run into a tree, groin first?" "Uh... whatever makes you happy. I'm just finding 'sleep' kind of a weird punisment, all things considered." "Hey, if I really wanted to punish myself to the breaking point, I'd just continue working for Shinra." "Touché, I guess." "Anyway, I guess we'll just leave you to your... uh, sleep, you weird, weird man." "....wait, you said Lucrecia was Sephiroth's mother, but... who is his father?" "......" "Oh dear Lord, it's Hojo, isn't it?" "......." "HA HA HA SERIOUSLY?! Oh my God, I know we just left him in Coca Cabana surrounded by bikini-clad hotties, but yikes... losing a game of love against Hojo! That just goes beyond mean and humiliating. And... and mean. But oh wow...." "You guys are assholes, you know that?" "Yeah, Cloud, you're so mean. So what if Hojo might have the biggest animal fetish in the entire world? That's no reason to rub it in like this." "Uuuuuuurgh!" "Um... oops." "Well, I might be mean, but wow, that was a masterful fatality." "Um... I don't see how that'll help if you've spent over 16 years in this basement asleep. Things have changed since then." "Lots of mako reactors have gone kaboom. Sephiroth is out cutting his path through the countryside, dragging his mother's decomposing body around. And he's planning on ruling the world. Or destroying it. Or ruling it, and then destroying it. Or destroying it and then ruling it. He wasn't entirely clear on that subject, and logic wasn't his strongest suit, to put it mildly." "The mines of Moria, here we come." "Speak Friend and Enter." "Alright, I know I used to live here and all, but let me just reiterate how ridiculously unfriendly these mountains look." "Everything is spikes. What do you call this? Mt. Quill?" "The Kyuvilduns... whatever the hell that is.... didn't think the world of your comment." "I am sorry. I should have called it something that doesn't make literal sense. How about Mt. Kyuvils?" "That's better." "No, it's not!" "Rune Blade plus Barrette. Somehow, it doesn't sound like the two go together that well. So... anyone else using a sword?" "I use my fists. Or gloves, I guess." "I use staves." "I have arm-mounted guns." "I use guns too, but the kind you have to have hands to operate." "Hilariously oversized shuriken is my choice." "I use megaphones." "Right." "......" "Wait, what?!" "I'm sure it'll make sense eventually. Kind of like how he's a giant cat doll sitting on top of a giant.... uh, something doll. And they throw attacks using megaphones, because why not?" "I need to lie down for a bit." "I bet that coffin of yours must feel so far away now." "Yay slide." "Well, the bridge did kind of snap into two halve-... wait, four years and they haven't fixed it yet?" "I guess they were too busy rebuilding our old homestead to spend any amount of time or money on this." "It looks like a slide now, though. Yay playground antics." "Yeah, I'm sure the planks and the space between them won't shave our asses off centimeter by centimeter as we slide down. "Don't worry, Tifa. You've got plenty of ass to spare." "So, that's your new target, huh?" "Man, this water park has really fallen on some hard times." "What was it modeled after? Fallout? 'Come one, come all, ride the magical nucular water slide. Guaranteed to put a tingle in your bloodstream'." "Hey, that's mine. I will have all the materia in the world." "Um... no, this is one 'all materia'." "No sweat. I'll take that one too." "No, you won't." "Twin Brain? Those things don't look like they got even one." "Twin Brain Squared?" "They seem to have even more than two of pretty much anything else, though." "Well, that explains The Wiggles impersonations. They don't have enough brains to cover everything." "And here, we have the infamous Giant Scorpion Thing standing guard. It doesn't run after us or attack us in any way even when we're standing right in front of it, but hey, guess what happens if we run into it..." "So... are we running into it?" "Well, if this back door here is any indication of where we have to go, then yes. Sadly." "Sadly, you say?" "Yeah. Killing non-aggressive beings. It just doesn't feel right somehow." "But good grief, man, this place is just all out inhospitable. Yeah, the caves are kind of neat and all, but the outside is just nasty. That thing outside looked like a dragon's foot, if it was covered in lava." "And it's aaaaaall Shinra's fault. And Sephiroth's." "Oh, look. 'Elemental' materia. It's air-quoted in such a way it makes the thing sound like a cheap knockoff." "Why are you looking at me like that? If I knew how to make materia, I wouldn't have come here in search of it." "Fair enough. Anyway, we also have a Sniper CR. Now, since I know Barret isn't much into guns he can't fasten on his used-to-be hand, I'm thinking this one is for Vincent. So... are you a camping little dweebazoid, Vincent? Are you a little wimp?" "I can turn into various monsters that will pound anyone who annoys me into the ground like a pole hammer. "Uh... well, in that case, I have another question: why in the world are you using guns?" "I was using neither. I was all content to lie in my coffin having bad dreams, remember? But oh nooo, someone just had to drop by and mention the name Sephiroth. And after going through a whole lot of trouble breaking into my bedroom in the first place." "Ah, the skills to make straight roads that lead directly to where you want to go. It's becoming a lost art." "Hey, we gotta artificially stretch out our travel time somehow. Besides, would you want to play a game that had you constantly run down a singular hallway all the time, without as much as a chance to explore a nearby toilet?" "Well, I... you know, you have a good point. SNEK ROAD, HERE WE COME!" "Let us all sing a song." "Normally, I'd call that a good idea, but coming from you, that sentence terrifies me beyond belief." "I mean... compared to that, this gigantic bird just looks like it wants to hug us all." "It's the bluebird of happiness." "And it doesn't take 'yes' for an answer." "Well, would you look at that. Someone actually came and added railings at some point. We are all safe." "Well, allow me to disagree with that. Everything about this is ominous." "Also, you were saying about the railings again?" "Uh... never mind. Well, it's not like I haven't done this before either." "And speaking of ominous; just look at this goddamned door." "It just screams 'be cautious; slobbering hellbeast inside'." "Well... Sephiroth came and picked up the slobbering hellbeast, but other than that.... good observation." "Anyway, no reason to linger here. If we can't fight a slobbering hellbeast, we can at least fight the guard scorpion downstairs." "But will it slobber?" "Why is that so important to you?" "You gotta follow protocol, you know." "Like when we 'recruited' you back before Compensation City?" "Yep. That was all protocol." "I don't even want to begin trying to figure out all the ways that doesn't make a lick of sense." "And it died with arms wide open." "The animals here are awfully huggy, aren't they?" "Hey, if I lived in these depressingly gray and pointy mountains, I'd need more than my share of hugs too." "But you did." "Oh, that's right." "......" "Let's just go, please." "Erm.... what kind of materia, did you say?" "Does it want to saaaahk your blaaaaadh?!" "I count three veirdly glovy pits. Mva ha ha ha ha." "Yeesh, finally out of this place. I'd ask you to remind me why you lived here again, but honestly, I don't want to know." "I was a kid and rent was cheap." "And that was a more mundane answer than I expected. Imagine that." "And since when did kids pay rent anyway?" "We don't. That's why we had to live there." "You know.... never mind. I don't want to pursue this any further." "Well, that's one hell of a way to open a town conversation. So, what is this huge thing they built in this town that everyone looks at when they enter?" "What indeed? Every town has its angle. While Midgar was a soul-sucking nightmare of a town, and Junon looked like insecurity central, Costa Del Sol was more of a friendly open space where even creepy scientists could lie on the beach and take in the sights. And the same could possibly be said about Rocket Town, a place with a rather self-explanatory title." "Well.... clearly, the people of this town didn't break out the torches and pitchforks and haul ass over to Freuds's place quick enough. You let that guy stick around long enough, the penises are gonna show up everywhere." "It's kinda limp, though, isn't it?" "Yeah, that thing is definitely not going into space, if you know what I mean." To be continued....
|
|
|
Post by northlander on Nov 18, 2019 12:22:41 GMT -5
Chapter 14: Have Airship, Will Travel The (Shallow) Seas. "Yes, we shall go meet Captain Representative. He sounds like a man for the people." "Down with the proletariat." "We have no idea what we are talking about. We just want to sound clever and important." "Literally or metaphorically? Or both, I'd imagine?" "It's looking pretty relaxed, though. It's like someone leaning on the bar desk going 'Pour me up another one. I have all the time in the world to drink my worries away.' " "I know that sounds like the worst 'caught in the act' excuse ever and all, but..." "We were just window-shopping." "We were inspecting the goods." "Do you have one in blue?" "Um...." "Cloud." "Aeris. NOT Aerith. I do not have a lithpt." "Tifa. Call me Titta and die." "Ooh, good one." "...urgh, why did I even say that?" "You set yourself up for that one." "Oh boy. This is not a good time for a confrontation, much as I'd like to stab that guy right in his head." "Let's go hide inside their house for a bit. That should give us some time to calm down and think of what to do next." "Good idea. You coming, Titta?" "Be there in a stretch." "She carries a heavy burden." "Uh... right." "Yikes. I know I carry a big sword and I'm not afraid to use it, but... drill arm? I would hate to be on the receiving end of that." "We're still giving that thing to Barret, though, aren't we?" "Of course. He can... uh, drill some oil with it?" "At least that's a step up from working in the coal mines. His respiratory system will thank him for goring a guy's brain out instead." "Mmmm. Lungs full of brain parts." "It will be the most brain his body has ever contained." "So... what did you call this masterpiece? Limp Johnson?" "How's it hanging?" "Sideways." "Science is cool. Here, have this SWORD!" "I love how this sword has such a cute name. It's like a snowed-down cute little green dinosaur." "Before or after the meteor hits?" "Well, that's... a normal thing to say when talking about dinosaurs, but why do I still feel ill at ease?" "I'm not worried. That'll never happen in my lifetime." "STOP THAT!" "Well... I feel cheated. I can't see my house from here." "I think it's supposed to be launched first." "Oooooh." "Talk less, climb faster. I'm tired of looking at your ass." "Oh, sure, Captain My Right Foot would love to make your aquaintance." "I love this guy already." "So, did you come up here to waste my time or regret my life choices?" "This guy must be a hit at all the parties." "Or he's hitting everyone at the parties." "Uh...." "I think Cloud's brain crashed." "Well, we just met a grumpy old man who likes young people. There's a paradox if I ever heard one." "Why would you find that strange? You kids have always been about blowing stuff up or launching it into space." "Yeah, but still.... you have to understand how weird it is for us to meet an old guy whose first option on his 'list of things I tell young people' is not 'get offa my lawn, or I'ma bust a cap in yo ass'." "Well, I didn't say I'd take it. I believe I used the word 'borrow'." "With you kids, that's the same thing." "Theeere's our cranky old man." "That's right. Now get offa my rocket, or I'ma fire you into space." "Uh.... OK?" "I think I understand her personality a bit better now." "Sure, I'd be upset too, but what did she do?!" "I'm... uh, actually not sure." "And if that's soon, shouldn't we get the heck out of here?" "One sec, I'll take you all down." "Yikes! We... uh, can find our own way down." "That's OK. We... uh... have to go. Right away. Far, far away." "You ain't goin' nowhere before you had some goddamn TEA! Now sit your goddamned ASSES down on my goddamned CHAIRS and drink that goddamned TEA! Goddamn!" "How many gods are you going to damn before this is all over?" "That depends on when you have that tea." *sigh* "Fine!" "Do you have time for anything other than making tea? Because I can't imagine anyone ever dropping by here and staying for long, but Captain Cranky is so over the top that I can imagine lots of people wanting to meet him to see if the rumors are true." "Um...." "Oh, come on!" "That sounds like a heavy weight to carry. Crushed dreams are nothing to joke about." *cough* "In fact... uh, are you OK, Tifa?" "Sorry... just got some tea down the wrong pipe." "Oh, OK. Anyway, what happened?" "Well, that sounds like a serious case of 'famous last words' if you ask me." "That's sort of why I thought we needed those extra checks." "Sounds sensible to me." "I'm just going to the moon, doing a handbrake turn and then coming right back. That's my dream." "That's what he said." "That is a rad dream, though. Don't know why he would be ashamed of that." "Well, he clearly wasn't, since 'mistreating a woman for the rest of her life for ruining that' seemed like a completely reasonable response." "And now the rocket is 'hanging it' outside, as a perfect reminder of... whatever the hell that was supposed to be about." "So, anyway, I assume there were some problems at launch?" "....uh.." "OK, I didn't expect that." "You.... do know what would happen if he really did launch, right?" "Well, how do you know he didn't?" ".........." "C'mon, lady, even I know how fatal that is." "Uh... I was all on your side up until this point, but now I'm not so sure." "............." Don't get me wrong: I still think he's treating you terribly, but... did you seriously expect him to launch the rocket with you there?" "I had hoped." "....you have a rather huge martyr fetish, don't you?" ///// "Oh, dear Lord! "And somehow, Cid made it through that event not coming across as the worst person on the team." "Forget about her, they say. I don't even..." "Cid is a crude, cranky bastard, Shera is a little bit too into giving her life for science, the rest of the team is also a little bit too happy about giving her life for science, and the old guy standing outside is giving away free swords for admiring the rocket with him." "And we found a drill punch in a chest here. You guys really take your lobotomies seriously, don't you?" "They all went limp, didn't they?" "I'm not sure what to think now. Or rather, where to start." "Yeah, we know." "That last part was easy to see coming, really." "I'd call you out in a heartbeat if you had said that the launch went ahead as planned." "No, your hospitality sucks! You're the worst hospitalitier I've ever met, except maybe the hospitality Shinra showed the slums a few weeks ago when they decided to drop in." "Ooof, too soon." "And just for the record, that doesn't have anything to do with you not wanting to lend us your airship." "Oh, I'm sure." "Well, I suddenly lost my desire for tea even more than I did when Mr. "Enjoy my hospitality, or I'll put you in the hospital" offered some." "Hey-hey. Did I come at a bad time?" "Yes. Every time." "I hope no woman will ever hear that coming out of your mouth." "Palmer, the... 'artist'.... of very creative poison spells." "It's like a demi to the brain." "Lard?! Sugar or tea I could maybe understand, but.... ewwwww!" "In fact, why not just drop the tea and give him a cup of lard with sugar and honey on it." "Let's not get completely ridiculous now." "Oh, we are already there. With a flying start." "Yes, although you were kind of scared out of your mind at the time. And you smelled of pee." "The smell of the pee of a man who likes lard in his tea." "Well... this is turning into quite the pleasant tea party. I don't think I need to worry about crying myself to sleep ever again." "Denial is sometimes a good thing, kids." "Um.... Rufus is outside and is asking to borrow the Tiny Bronco." "Pfft, I have a hard time believing that." "Yeah, as if Rufus would actually ask anyone for anything. He'd just crank up the terror." "Oh, he's not really asking." "That's our little mafioso." "Do we have to?" "If he's already put his hands on it, it'll smell of lard tea pee." "Yes, it is indeed us. I know it probably didn't reflect well on us that we got captured by them, but... uh... that was all part of the plan, and now here we are." "So... assuming you haven't put your lard-starched hands on the Tiny Bronco yet, what do you think would be the most rational thing to do right now, Mr. Palmer?" "....well, I admit I thought he'd pick any other choice than this." "Well, this fight isn't going to last long. Let's... uh, let's let him down gently." "With a chocobo rush? Uh... yikes." "And he survived that. Well, how about this?" "Odin?! And you got up in my grill for releasing the chocobo? Why don't you unleash the Valkyries while you're at it?" "Hey, now, let's not get too crazy here." "Oh, Valhalla forbid." "OK, maybe a little bit overkill." "YA THINK?!" "Man, he's going to leave just a smear made up of sugar, honey and lard off the ground." "What the...?!" "He survived Odin?!" "What manner of man is this, who can survive the father of the Valkyries, yet cower in fear of Sephiroth the backstabber?" "Well, fine. If that's how it's going to be...." "UNLEASH LIGHTNING MOSES ON THE MOUNTAIN!" "......" "....uh.." "How is this complete wimpoid still on his feet? We hit him with Chocobo, Odin and Ramuh. That is the combo of death." "Clearly we have underestimated the drinker of lard." "Well... silk gloves are off." "Yes, turn the ground on him." "Some people flip the finger, Titan flips the entire ground." "And he survived that too. I don't know what to believe in anymore." "We have an EX soldier, we have a karate lady and we have one of the Cetra with us, yet the three of us are having trouble dealing with a chunky, lard-pasted, corrupt government official. How does that even math?!" "And he's doing the 'slapping his ass in our direction' thing. Taunting us after surviving a Chocobo, Odin, Ramuh and Titan." "For the first time, I feel well and truly defeated. Not even getting captured by Don Corneo stung as much as this." "Everything is hopeless, isn't it?" "Is he running away, or is he rubbing it in by running away?" "Where did it all go wrong?" "He's not even taking the Tiny Bronco. It's like he's leaving it behind as if to say 'see if it can help you now'." "....." "The truck... has defeated us all." "Sadness is a debuff and we all have it permanently from this day forth. No ribbons or esunas can help us now." "Oh, right. We were gonna take this." "Right. Uh... let's go?" "Look, ma. I can fly!" "WAIT, WE HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO OUR SEATS YET!" "I CAN SEE MY CHURCH FROM HERE!" "HOW ARE THE FLOWERS DOING?!" "I ASKED THE CHILDREN TO LOOK AFTER THEM, THEY SHOULD BE FINE!" "THAT'S NICE!" "YES, THEY ARE GOOD KIDS!" "By what? Nobody was firing anything at us, and Rufus wanted this plane anyway, so I doubt he'd do anything to it that might ruin his travel plans." "This airship has drawers? I didn't see any." "I meant your underwear." "...right. 'Drawers'? How old do you think we are? Or you, for that matter?" "It's 'panties' nowadays, grandpa." "You kids today and your perverted fantasies." "I would have liked riding inside of it, but I guess that train has left the station." "That's what he said." "Shush now. We got old people with us." "Right. Sorry." "Yeah, sorry, grandpa. I hope we haven't done any permanent damage." "Kids today...." "Well, I'm... sure the feeling is mutual." "Now she'll get to relax and drink her own goddamned tea too." "Pfft, yeah, maybe she'll develop a little attitude for when I return. That would be refreshing." "Oh, so you're the kind of old guy who expects everyone to be as cranky and cynical as you are. Duly noted." "You're talking like you are going out to buy dolls. 'Yes, I have to get Rufus, but I really hope Sephiroth is on sale today, because he's such a popular guy.' Like that." "When I started out, I might have done that. Oh, how the mighty have fallen." "I'm not entirely sure I want any compliments from you, but... fine. You'd have to work very hard to outdo Sephiroth in destroying my image of them, so that's something, I guess." "Well, unlike Sephiroth, Cid here started at the other end too. Or at least I hope that's how it'll turn out, and he won't fall as far -- relatively speaking -- as Sephiroth did." "Hey, now that comparison is just unfair. It's not like I murdered someone or something. And I did tell Shera to stop being my goddamned lackey, but she just wouldn't listen." "Why would it bother you? It's a temple for my people." "And stop calling me a numbskull." "Then stop being a numbskull." "YOU are the numbskull." "No, YOU!" "YOU are the numbskull. You you you YOU!" "No, you! No, you! No, you!" "YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU!" "I feel greatly annoyed. And confused, but mostly annoyed." "Hey, Tifa... wanna get off on the Tiny Bronco? Huh huh uhuh huh." "Eheh heh heh heh you got some mad props, Cloud." "I guess people deal with trauma in different ways." "Come to Butthead." "Welcome to Bone Village, a town for nature lovers. Because there's no way you can't read that the wrong way, only to be disappointed when you show up here." "Yeah, just ask Butthead here. He might have gotten the wrong idea." "And how do you know all of this?" "Because they're archaeologists. They study this sort of thing. It's what they do." "Because what else would you do in Bone Village?" "Uhuh huh huh huh." "Erm... that's... not how sleeping works. When you sleep, you don't do the things you normally would. Logically, if a forest is made to keep people out, wouldn't it make more sense that it is awake when it comes to doing its job?" "It's a magical forest. It doesn't have to make sense." "Of course." "Hm, OK, Kujata. That sounds ominously large." "This is a sleeping forest, alright. It's very quiet. Too quiet." "Ssssh, you'll wake it up." "And then what? Will it say 'YOU WILL PASS!'?" "I feel kind of silly. We're clearly in a contraption that's flying, but can also float on water, but oh no, we can't go out on deeper waters." "That's a safety measure I had built in just in case brash-brained hotheads came calling looking to use it." "That's rich coming from the guy who wanted to go into outer space without taking safety precautions seriously." "Oh, shaddup." "What in the name of hell is that? A hair follicle doing pushups?" "Some mobs just want to inflict confusion on you without casting the actual spell, I guess." "A gryphon, however? That one can eat world-carrying bull power." "Uh...." "I fail to see the bull. I only see two different elements being thrown at us... for some reason." "Wait for it...." "Boy, I sure would hate it if someone were resistant -- or even better, immune -- or even BETTER better, absorbing -- either of these. Or all of them." "Waaaait for it....." "And here he comes." "Making the ground all wobbling wobbling." "THE GROUND AIN'T WATER, SUCKA!" "And whaddya mean 'again'? I haven't tricked you yet, right?" "....." "Uh... I meant before. I haven't tricked you before, right? Aheh." "Well... no, you haven't. Not yet, no." "Stop having that conversation and turn your attention to us, if you please." "Guys, can't we talk about this, please?" "Well, at least they aren't saying 'Shoot them and ask questions later'." "He did say 'grab', though. He better not be thinking of grabbing what I think they'd be liable to grab." "I AM ENRAGED! I'M GOING TO TURBO-HEAL THE LOT OF YA!" "Well, that's a constructive way of dealing with the issue at hand -- uh, no pun or innuendo intended -- but... what just happened. I feel kind of weird about which direction this fight went." "What did indeed happen? The odd way the conversation went before the fight was one thing, with our new ninja buddy Yuffie both having something to do with the soldiers and NOT having anything to do with the soldiers. But more importantly, what's the next path for our heroes?" "Erm... I agree with you and all, but when you say 'She's done it again', what else has she done?" "Well, she... um... she... I can't actually think of anything. I dunno, she just sounds so shifty. She was already drooling over the materia, and now we had ours stolen." "There was the weird way she joined us. I kind of feel like we were lucky to respond with the right answers before we pretended to leave her behind." "Now you're almost making us sound like the villains here." "Well, I guess it doesn't matter much at the moment. Let's go to her home and hope nothing too crazy happens while we're there." To be continued....
|
|
|
Post by skylark on Nov 18, 2019 19:43:17 GMT -5
Nothing too crazy... heh...
Cloud forgetting he's the protagonist of a mid-to-late 90s RPG. :3
|
|
|
Post by northlander on Nov 24, 2019 10:20:49 GMT -5
Chapter 15: Cornholio, the Everlasting Number Two. "Well, that was a slog, no doubt about it." "Good thing all the mobs were carrying potions." "Just don't think too hard where they were hiding them." "It's what's inside that counts." "You followed me here? I have to admit I didn't consider that possibility." "Yeah, well, our 'airship' doesn't work at the moment for some absurd reason. If not for that, we'd just continue on and buy new materia." "Damn! I knew I shouldn't have sabotaged your vehicle." "Why would... if you didn't want us to follow you, why did you sabotage our only means to escape?" "What can I say? Old habits die hard." "Are you sure I can't buy any of those ludicrously large swords on the wall back there? I can trade in my own ludicrously large sword if that's what it takes." "...remind me never to hire you as my driver." "My last taxi driver said the exact same thing." "It's like the weirdest Blues Brothers reunion ever." "Oh, come on! You're actually happy to see us, aren't you?" "I'm not drunk enough to answer that politely." "Uh... a big snake that dispenses water. I couldn't possibly see how that would create a mental image that might make someone die laughing." "Do you have any statues of the Water God here in Wutai?" "Don't take a yellow shower." "Next, on Wutai Theater...." "I know they told us this was a tourist spot, but wow, those drapes look fantastic!" "Sounds to me like someone is taking the piss." "OH HA HA HA! The Water God and the Five Mighty Gods. Are they fond of the hands-on approach, too?" "That's something you never want to hear from a couple: 'In the last battle, we didn't fare so well'." "That's why I started calling him 'Captain Rocket Man' from that day forth." "Um... are you alright, sir? Lying on an electric bed set to shock you randomly, are you?" "But more importantly: SALTZA!" "Are you going to?" "What the GOOGAH are you talking about. GOGAH!" "Well, I've never GOOGAH'd before. I guess we can learn from each other, then." "Well, they sort of hate our guts. And they're also looking for the same person that we are. So we do have something to do with that... in a very indirect way." "That said, we would probably not have travelled here if a girl named Yuffie didn't steal all our materia." "And maybe sabotaged our airship, though the jury is still out on that one, I guess." "Well, OK, I hear you." "Uh... thank you, but we are not going anywhere without our materia." "And well... if we meet any Shinra on our way, you know what we gonna do?" "We gonna SALTZA!" "You're not my real da-..oh, wait, you are." "Uh...." "It's true. I'm so ashamed." "But first, give us back our materia." "Sure. Uh... I have it right back here." "No, wait...." "...our materia." "How about the next time she stupidly shows up and has a long conversation with someone, we... I dunno, GRAB HER?!" "The thought has crossed my mind." "And if all that fails, let's just steal all their stuff." "Well, that's an option too. Except we can't leave and take our boats to sell any of it, and we can't access the stores here. Our pockets will be full of so much junk." "Which begs the question: Why?!" "You can even buy materia in stores. Just grind some enemies, and you can buy one heck of a materia collection. Why would you just steal it off random people. We didn't even have any special ones... yet." "Aw, poopie. I knew I shoulda waited longer. Stupid Shinra." "WHO SAID THAT?!" "Hilariously different tone in these two deliveries." "First one was stupidly pretentious. The second one might be Cid, actually. Are you in there, Cid? Is the tea ready?" "That's not Cid." "Are you sure? Looks pretty Cid-ish to me." "Hey, I'm not that old." "And by the way..." "So how do you connect a mountain god to... uh, pounding noises?" "Randy, the God of Shagging. He's pounding out some details for his ten commandments as we speak." "Well, I can understand why this shop has no materia when all of them are practically a steal." "They literally fly off the shelves, huh?" "One second they're there, the next, you hear nothing but Yuffie laughter." "I don't even know where to begin." "This is like the worst middle school play ever." "And Yuffie is stuck in the invisible box." "I'm not a mime!" "But you can hand over all the invisible materia you stole from us. Reach into your invisible bag and pull them out right now." "Don't make me break out the custard pies." "We will drag you to the man on the mountain if we have to." "And Dou-chey will not be happy, let me tell you that right now." "It's Da-CHAO!" "Nobody messed with DA CHAO! HE DA MAN!" "And you assume Da-Chao is male too?" "Well, I was, but I guess I stand to be corrected?" "Mmmmaybe? Anyway, did you want your materia or what?" "Oh, we almost forgot." "Interesting choice of words, there." "Is that a part of your life you would like to revisit?" "Not really, no." "I just regret I wasn't a part of that." "And I get to troll two people for the price of one soul." "And whaddya mean 'my face'. I'm wearing a mask." "Yeah, and that's a sobering thought." "Uh... that comment made no sense." "Have a few drinks, and it will." "Screw that. We've got work to do." "I guess they weren't looking for us, then." "Well, looks like we can take a drinking break, then." "Aren't we kind of underage, though?" "We can be sent to war, but we can't drink? That's just unfair. And really, really weird." "Um... your materia?" "Oh, right!" "Do you even realize how many times I coulda given you people the slip by now?" "We're easily distracted. What can I say?" "I have it in my cellar." "Well, that's not ominous or anything." "Yeah, you lost something, alright. Now you're selling huge cutlery." "Is that why you're selling gigantic swords right off the wall? Or rather, not selling them?" "Like... they were more than willing to sell us materia, because they knew you'd just pop in and steal them right off us again." "Uh... sorry about that. We don't want to fight, but we want to capitalize on the weapons industry. That... doesn't come across rather well, does it?" "I don't care 'bout no feelings, because I'm a MAYUN!" "He's got a reputation to keep up. I, on the other hand, plant flowers in churches without roofs." "And give other people crap over their chest size." "No, she just pretending." "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure." "I see your point." "I can't see the materia for the giant metal cage." "I know we haven't known her for that long, but my God, that was the fakest crying ever." "I'm not going to ask you why you know that." "We had materia, but someone took all of it, remember?" "And since we had them put on our arms, I think it's safe to say that we 'steeled' it too." "Say, you do know that it's not going to be a good thing if we raze your apartment for materia, right?" "For you, that is. We probably won't care too much." "Well, that was an easily escapable trap." "Probably because it was set to open after a set time, enough for her to escape." "With all our materia." "OK, so we ring the bell, and the dog will back away from the door." "We need to get to the bottom of this mystery." "...on second thought." "Why am I getting some seriously bad vibes about the whole situation?" "AAAAAAAAAARGH!" "Did he... did he seriously come all the way over here to find a woman?" "If it wasn't so amazingly creepy, I'd admire his tenacity." "You... don't remember us, do you?" "I know we were all dressed up the last time...." "Or dressed like a woman." "Uuuh huuhh oh God...." "Aeris, tearing up old wounds since sixteen years ago." "Yeah, that sounds like something we should do right now." "Let's go save some damsels." "Including the clearly underage one." "Well... technically, we're underage too." "Yeah, but Cloud isn't a 40 year old creeper." "Whoa, wait, we're not with him." "Excuses. Take them down." "No, really. Stop him before he runs off, you idiots!" "You call us idiots? YOU SHALL PAY!" "No, no, no. We're just... urg, let's just fake them out." "Uh... sir, they're asleep." "So they are. What should we do?" "I dunno. What do you think?" "Well... I don't want to be known as the soldier who shot sleeping people. Let's just leave." "I concur." "He can even dodge the Turks? I thought I was embarrassed when I wore a dress." "The less you know....." "You are totally our new best friend." "LOVE YYYYOOOUUUUUU!" "Well, I can understand why you find this more appealing than wearing women's clothing." "Not that you sound bitter about it or anything." "Oh, you enjoyed it, just admit it." "Well, she stole our materia, so her well-being isn't at the top of our priority list right now." "In fact, maybe we should leave her in Don Corneo's 'care' for a little bit, just to soften her up." "I can hear my personal beliefs screaming in terror right now." "So..... who's the worst? Hojo or Corneo?" "The dilemma of the ages." "So, what's the correct spelling of a bug called Jayjujayme?" "How do you even say that name?" "What's its name in Latin?" "I'm afraid to even ask." "And somehow, the colorless bore in the back is referred to as the 'Bizarre Bug'. Clearly, it needs to get out more often." "And we have Garuda." "I call shenanigans. They don't have boobs." "And wouldn't Aeris love it if that was the case." "Whaddya mean 'new hobby'? Judging by your behavior when we first met, you've been doing this all your life." "Ah, but have I made my catches the apples of the eyes of statues that look like people? I think not. And I do like me some apples, if you catch my drift." "I stand corrected." "And horrified." "But I'm still not sure who is worse -- you or Hojo." "Ouch! That hurts, you know." "Well, I can't blame you for not seeing a weird, perverted blonde guy trussing you up like cattle and hanging you on a stone statue coming. That's not something that happens every day." "Even if Corneo here wants to make it his new hobby." "Stop talking and get me down!" "We'll consider it." "Wait, you're saying you would have gone with him if he had materia?" "I would have robbed him blind before he went blind, if you catch my drift." "Whaaaat? But I really want to tell you the story about how you wanted to cut, stomp and grind my balls off, only because you wouldn't approve of how I had women kidnapped and brought to my estate so I could run a popularity contest based around what woman I'd like to sexually assault." "Well... yes, you've covered that now. So, since I doubt you have any trapdoors on this statue here, shall we commence with the groin-kneeing?" "Just don't ask me to bite him. At least not there." "Erm... it tried to kill us." "Yes. And?" "We wanted to continue living?" "Well, that's awfully selfish of you." "Maybe you should have thought about that before you sent it at us. But nooo, you're dead set on repeating that mistake, huh? Well, let's just see how that goes, shall we?" "You really should get the hint that every time you open your goddamned mouth, we'll hate you even more. And every time we think you've reached a threshold, you whip out your limit break on that again and again and again! So please, for the love of DA CHAO! Shut! The! Hell! Up!" "No, no, no. Everyone loves to hear me talk about whipping it out. It's an unarguable truth, and women all love me for it." "KILL HIM! KILL HIM UNTIL HE'S DEAD!" "You call that begging? I guess it's time for Professor Tifa's Left Foot to teach you the true meaning of begging. It all starts with kneeling, you creepy, weird bastard." "You... what did I just tell you?!" "That you love to hear me win and think I'm the most awesome person ever?" "NOT! QUITE!" "Well, I'm sure you'll be very envious when I take... your girl and the two over there and whatever other women you have hiding into bed with me. It will be a night to remember." "Why are you doing this? My body can only contain so much hate. Are you trying to overload me, you contemptious asshole?" "Reno. I... I want to stab him, but I'm so angry, I can't even move. I just... hit me with a soft. I'll take anything. Just make him stoooooop." "Sit tight, we got this covered." "I'll say. I can't even come up with anything sarcastic now, I'm so angry. I don't really care about the two women -- well, one woman and one girl...." "HEY! Well... actually, I am a girl, aren't I?" "And you're a boy." "I... yes. I can't even be angry about that comment, because all my anger glands are still taken." "Well, sit tight, kid, and we'll get this sorted. And after that, we'll go for drinks. I know you're underage, but I think given the situation, you've earned it." "Hrrrrrgh!" "Why hasn't he stopped talking yet. Stoppit talking! STOPPIT!" "Don't worry, Cloud. It'll all be over soon." "There we go. Now let's go back to drinking." "My hero." "There's a lesson to be learned from this. Right now, however, my mind is pretty much worn out like it never has before." "Wow, that was even more annoying than the time I had to dress in women's clothing. Or even the last time we had a chat with Mr. Corneo here." "And I only got the parts with Corneo in it too. Not sure how I feel about that." "Well, clearly, y'all need a drink. Now let's get barhopping." *psst* "Reno, you seriously gonna serve them alcohol?" "Nah, I'ma serve them the 'light' stuff. They just need to unwind more than anything. Can't really give alcohol to minors, right?" "Yer a good lad, Reno." "Hey, I'm a Turk." "And we found him. Fastest job completion ever." "Uh... and what were we going to do when we found him?" "I dunno. They didn't say." "Erm... seriously?" "Nah, just kidding. They wanted us to kill them, of course. It's Shinra." "Uh...." "What a pinch! With Cloud and his allies still reeling from Corneo's Titan-level assault of idiocy, how will they be able to defend themselves from the Turks." "WE GO'N DRINKIN', M' BOY!" "I think I'd prefer it when you tried killing us. That said, could you carry me down, please. I'm still cramping myself stiff." "That's what he said. That said, I can't help but notice that we're still hanging up here! Upside down!" "It's all a part of the job." "No, it's NOT!" To be continued....
|
|
|
Post by northlander on Dec 1, 2019 13:34:59 GMT -5
I had to take a break from the LP this week due to being busy with preparing Christmas gifts and going to a concert yesterday. December is probably going to be a bit rough on "trying to get one chapter per week done" in general.
|
|