Let's Play Final Fantasy VII

[skylark]

Ahh, yes. The Gelinka. Filled with- WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!!! OHGODNO!!!!

*static*

[northlander]

Chapter 30: This is Ground Control to Major Bum.




"Well, if weapon fought the only means of combating the biggest threat to the planet, maybe that biggest threat isn't Sephiroth after all. Think about that for a second?"
"Why would anything be a bigger threat than the being trying to bombard the planet with a meteor?"
"Yeah, I mean... Rufus is only trying to save the world so he can conquer it with the help of Heidegger and Scarlet, and Palmer is also... uh..."
"The lesser of two evils, huh?"
"Tell me about it."



"What the... that's it?! Stop screwing around and put your backs into it."
"Nono, you won. There's nothing we can do."
"Damn it all. We can't stop you from taking the weapons here and using them to defeat Sephiroth."
"That was the worst acting ever. I almost feel manipulated."
"They're just skipping work again."
"Are not."
"And I bet Rude there isn't all that eager to have to attack Tifa."
"I... plead the fifth."



"Anyway, Turks awaaaaaaaaayyyy."
"Stage left."
"Well, that was underwhelming. I guess we have the entire reign of this... uh... creepy underwater plane."



"I thought they were all about the big guns, though. Like... literally."
"Yeah, me too. I mean... they turned a small coastal village into... well, a big gun, basically. I wanted to joke about this being all kinds of male posturing too, but Scarlet seems to have claimed ownership over it with that stupid name, so now I can't."
"And leave it to Shinra to design something that supposedly just crashed and sunk here, but looks like it's been rusting for years. They do 'creepy atmosphere' so well."



"We're fighting what?!"
"Well, leave it to Shinra to have mastered the art of creating a bad rap."
"I've seen some bad raps in the televised Shinra commercials. It's... not a pretty sight."
"Wait, seriously?"
"Urgh! I don't know how you did it, but somehow, you made 'being in Hojo's porn collection' the lesser of two evils."
*stares*
"Actually... no, I take that back. Still... just the thought of Scarlet and Heidegger rapping....."
"OH GOD STOP! WE TAKE IT BACK! HOJO'S PORN COLLECTION REALLY ISN'T THE WORST THING OUT THERE!"



"So... uh... this weapon is clearly for Cid, but...."
"Yeah, I can just imagine Cid being all 'Do I look like a doofus who cares about spirituality to you?!' when you try handing it to him."
"I can easily imagine him being all 'You can take that lance and shove it up your new age ass!'"
"That's our Cid, alright."



"Uh.... Hades materia? Do I even want to know what that will do?"
"Well, Ifrit has fire magic, Shiva has ice magic, so this would have... uh, death magic?"
"I have become death, destroyer of worlds."
"Can we please move on to something a bit less creepy now?"



"... I said 'Can! We! Please! Move! On! To! Something! A! Bit! Less! Creepy?!'"
"Hey, I'm not the ones whipping out the horror on the poor unsuspecting visitor of this creepy underwater plane here."
"What in the seven hells is that even...."
"Teeth!" It's a spleen with teeth and claws at the end, and it's dangling from... something."
"I don't even want to see the other end."



"Well, at least this place is full of loot."
"I thought we already had the Highwind, though. I guess we can put this spare airship in our pocket for later use?"
"Um...."
"I was just kidding. I know it's Cid's special move. It goes so well with his new weapon. Hee hee."
"Heh. That's an amusing thought. And boy, I'll take all the amusing thoughts that I can down here."



"Oh, hai, Praying Mantis Skullface Intestine monster."
"I think I must be on my way to Mental Breakdown Avenue, because I'm already kind of getting used to this body horror."
"That, or we are living out our last moments of delirious fear as our souls leave our bodies."
"......"
"Look, can we just kill this thing and move on, please?"
"Man is the real monster."
"....."
"Stop that!"



"I think that's all the plundering I can take, both literally and figuratively."
"The Turks must be pretty hardcore if this is just another day on the job for them."
"I think I'm starting to understand why they drink so often."
"Well, anyway... farewell, you rusty asspit at the bottom of the sea."



"And welcome, weird spiky object at the bottom of the sea."
"The hell is that even?"



"What about that looks like a key to you?"
"Nothing, really, but we are talking about the ancients here."
"Um... fair point, I guess."
"Technology in the old days sure was weird, man."



"Well, let's just pick this thing up. Can we even fit it into the submarine? How will we carry it around?"
"Don't worry about that. Our pockets are infinity-sized. I mean... just look at all the stuff we're carrying now."
"It's the oldest RPG joke in the world."



"Super Submarine Take Off!"
"Why didn't we just paint it yellow?"
"Because we're not going to Pepperland, bitches!"
"But more importantly, why did you just up and accept the Spirit Lance? Honestly, we thought you'd be... against the idea, to put it mildly."
"A stabbin' tool is a stabbin' tool, and a name is just a name."
"Of course, New Age Man."
"Call me that again, and I'll stab you in the butt. And I'd have to work hard to miss that one."
"That butt is the results of a lot of training in the fine art of kicking people in their stupid heads, old man. Just thought I'd let you know in case you had some funny ideas."



"So remind me, Cloud... why are we here again?!"
"Just a quick pickup, Yuffie. We'll be out of here before you even notice."
"Except I did notice. And I haven't forgotten about what happened the last time we were up here."
"Well, just think of this as the place where Don Cornholio got his final asskicking. And also, it wouldn't have been so annoying if you hadn't stolen all our materia."
"Yes, yes. My bad. And I gave it all back anyway, so let's just... hurry."



"Nice view, though."
"Oh, sure. When you aren't constantly reminded that the town below is the city of tour guides, that's easy to think."



"I wonder what the view is gonna be like on this side."
"OH WILL YOU JUST ENTER THE CAVE AND GET THIS OVER WITH ALREADY?!"
"Boo, you're no fun."
"I know. It's my big goal in life."



"The scale of the Sea God does more than just shine. It squirts a lot of water on the flames. It's like our own personal little water cannon."
"I shall dub it Wa Do Ken."
"I should practice my hand motions for that one, I think."
"How about Kame Hame Wa-ter?"
"Hmm. It doesn't flow as well, I think."



"....oh."
"You sound disappointed, Cloud."
"Well... I shoulda guessed any materia from this place, Leviathan aside, would have something to do with stealing."
"I can't help but feel that was directed at me."



"Man, even the stone statues seems like they're dismissive of this place."
"Well, good."
"I sense bitterness."
"Well, she's not exactly hiding her disappointment for this place, so you get no gold star for that."
"I'll give you all gold stars if we just leave. And if you insist on remaining here, I guess I can dig up some of my old gold shuriken instead. They will be vastly less fun to receive, though."



"OK, fine. I guess we'll go haunt Cid's ol' homestead instead."
"Why?! What did you expect to find here?"



"Uh... wait, I wasn't expecting that."
"Oh, so now they come back to use my rocket? That's it! I'm going to give this Rufus fellow an earful. Sheesh, I know I said that we needed more young people in the world, but he just had to prove me wrong about that in a heartbeat. I'll never trust any young people ever again."
"......."
"I'm still 48, though."
"You're still a whippersnapper, is what you are."
"Oh, fiddlesharts!"



"I know it's probably not the most exciting life to live in the town of the Leaning Tower of Science, but still...."
"I'd take that over tourists any day."
"You didn't steal from tourists, I hope?"
"Much as I'd like to, they never had any materia, and even if they did, my father would probably have... objected, as tourists who were stolen from wouldn't have become repeat visitors."
"Sounds like something you'd enjoy, to be honest."
"Well... yeah, but... my father. He..."
"What? He beat you up? That's terrible."
"No, no. He did something far, far worse."
".....wait a sec, please tell me he didn't...."
"Yes! He'd.... he'd act like a total doting father, telling me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me. It was so embarrassing! I swear, I kept wishing the ground would just open and swallow me up."
"......."
"Yeesh! I know my mom took her doting a bit too far, but wow...."



"Hey! Calling us 'terrorists' is really hurting our feelings."
"Yeah! I mean... we were mostly running around blowing up your stuff, but that's no reason to call us terrorists."
"Um...."
"I beg to differ."
"Yeah, but we blew up the stuff belonging to evil people, so it's OK."



"Is that really a grenade? He's throwing it as if it was a baseball."
"What career options would be open for this man if he hadn't gotten in our way? It's a sad thought, isn't it?"
"Stop making us sound like terrorists already."



"Especially if you're going to be a cranky old man over this."
"Old Man Terrorist! Bane of secret evil organisations the world over."
"Well, it beats Old Man Turrist, at least."



"Oh, hai, Rude. Since we're not in the Gelnika anymore, I'm going to guess you will give it your all this time."
"Ssssh. Ixnay on the secretsnay."
"Oh, pfft. What are they gonna do about it? Go investigate?"
"Well... fair point, I guess. Alrighty, then.... WHY ARE YOU ASLEEP, YOU OLD FART!"
"Because you started the fight by tossing a sleeping grenade at him."
"Oh. Right."



"Erm.... 'ugh!' what?! You were the one who hit me with a lightning attack!"
"I know. I'm so sorry."
"Wait, no, it's... we're fighting. You're doing your job. It's normal. Why are you being so weird about this?"
"Does she seriously not know?"
"Naw. She's... well, a bit slow on the uptake on that front."
"Love is a complicated thing, isn't it?"
"Well... I wouldn't buy Hojo's 'Love for Idiots' book, at least. His solutions are.... unproductive, to say the least."
"Yes, I've... been on the receiving end of that."



"And sure, just step right over me, why don't you?"
"I'm sorry, but we're in a hurry, and you are sort of splayed all over the damn platform."
"We made sure not to step on your groin, though."
*oof* "I appreciate it. And that you at least used the railing to offset the load."



"I commend your moxie."
"We shall always remember your bravery."
"Aw, man...."
"We're just kidding. Don't worry, we'll just beat you up until you stop blocking our way."
*whew* "That's a relief."
"That's right. So give it your all! It's important to have no regrets."
"Uh... now you're sounding all ominously finalistic again."
"Erm... is that how Shinra works? You fail, you die? I don't remember that."
"That said, we're in a hurry now, so I'm afraid you're going to have to give us an urrrrgh now."
"A what now?"



"That's a good boy."
"Um... sorry about that. If Shinra asks, we'll say you gave it your all."



"Yes, I know that. My brain isn't made of cotton candy, you dipwads."
"That's Cid, alright."
"This situation is really taking off, isn't it?"
"Interesting choice of words there."



"Well, 'OK' is not enough. I want the best, and I want it all. And I want it NOW!"
"...safety be damned."
"Pfft. Safety is for wussies. You should just wing it!"
"Now yer talking."
"I'm also just joking. Safety is alpha and omega when you're doing something as dangerouns as going into space. You stupid moron! I hope you realize how important Shera is to your dreams before you go and get yourself killed."



"He's not listening to me, is he?"
"Nope."
"........"
"You're going to kick him in the back of his stupid head, aren't you?"
"Yep."



"Yes, please go tell the others about this, while I kickstart his brain, both figuratively and literally."
"Pretty sure he ignored that too."
"What are you just standing around for? We got things to do."



"Don't talk like you're all intelligent and reflective now."
"Urgh! I don't understand you people."



"You just want to go out in a blaze of glory, don't you?"
"Naw. If the rocket blows up on me, I'll chew it out all the way to hell."
"The old man crankiness makes no sense whatsoever."



"Normally, I'd agree, but let's just look at the scientists we've met so far. First we have Hojo and then we have... well, there's Gast in those video logs, I guess, who seemed slightly nicer. And then... um....."
"We've... mostly been making the world worse with science, haven't we?"
"Yeah. I mean... I agree with you, but so far, spirituality and fighting abilities seem to be the only thing keeping everything good and nice about this world alive, and that's a really depressing thought, isn't it?"
"Well, you can rot in your depressive thought-circle if you want to, but I'm gonna go fly a rocket. Who's with me?!"
"Um...."



"Yes, that is your main problem, but do you even know if your rocket is ready?"
"Well, we're waiting for a message from Shera, right? It'll probably take forever, and I'm probably going to lose my patience and fire us off anyway."
*sigh*



"What?! But I was supposed to do that. But the one who actually did it was Palmer?! Of all the people to steal my thunder...."
"Of all the things to prioritize."
"But more importantly, does he still drink his tea with lard?"
"Ew."



"But... but... countdown. What about doing things properly?"
"Um... maybe we should leave while we still can, Tifa."
"I think that train has gone by now. Given the size of this rocket, I think we'll be safer -- well.... or at least less royally screwed -- if we remain inside."



"I'm going to blast off right in your face, you asshole."
"......"
"Uh... wow, that was a mental image I never wanted. Thanks, man."
"What?"
"Nothing. Say, can I ask you to give me a concussion, please?"
"Me too."
"You kids are weird."
"You wanted a countdown? Well, here you go."
"Auuuuugh!"
"There is no justice in this world."



"Oh man, good call on not going outside. I hope the town is OK."
"Many trees were lost that day."
"Eh, they can take 'em or leave 'em."
"..........!"



"WOW, I FEEL SO... GODDAMNED HEAVY!"
"SHUT YER YAP, KID, OR YOU'LL BITE YOUR TONG... OW!"
"You told ya!"
"I hate you so mu-...ow!"
"Told ya... twice."
"SHUT U-...ow."
"I can do this all day."
"........"
"You actually managed to make Cid shut up, and there are no words big enough to express my gratitude for that."



"I CAN'T SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE BECAUSE OF ALL THE SMOKE!"
"......"
"Wow, that joke left a bad taste in my mouth... for at least two reasons."
"You had that co-...ow."
"Well, at least it beats the taste of tongue."
"....."
"OK, that came out a bit more erotic than I wanted."
"Well, I'm not complaining."



"Well, at least we can make sure it blows up but good. My only regret is that I can't stab Sephiroth in his smug face anymore."
"There there, Cloud. Let us put our faith in our main character status to carry us through."



"....or we could use the escape pod. Good plan B."
"I'm so glad we're out of gravity now, because wow, is my tongue thick. But I still want to chew you out."
"As I'm sure your tongue would agree on."



"Were you like that during the wild train ride too? Just along for the ride, so to speak?"
"Yeah. I missed that part too, so I'm actually curious."
"If you wanna know, why don't you just ask the brat and the cat?"
"Oh, that's a good idea. I'd love to hear the story from their perspective, actually. The potential for hilarity is just that much greater."
"....on second thought...."



"But wait, does that mean that since you've had your little space sojourn, you don't even care if Sephiroth blows it up?"
"Nah, I still want to divebomb that asshole right in the... uh, cranium, don't get me wrong. I just... kinda feel happy right now. Man, that feels good. I should do it more often."
"....yes. Yes, you should."
"Well, anyway, huge materia. This way, please."
"....'please'?!"
"Cloud, I'm... I'm scared."
"I know. This is new and frightening, and I'm not sure how to handle it."
"Maybe... maybe that's the most effective way to get rid of Sephiroth. We have Cid approach him and ask him to please stop."
"Yeah, but.... ugh, just... trying to imagine it...."
"Guys, c'mon..."



"Passcode. Got it."
"And I'm sure you know that we can't underestimate the importance of this, right?"
"Well, you said you didn't care just as long as you made it into space, but... definitely."
"I did, but hey, it's hackin' time."



"Yes, that... sounds like a great idea. I mean... this thing couldn't possibly have a 'three failed attempts -> lockdown' function, right? In fact, why the hell does this have a reset code anyway? Wasn't it supposed to be a 100% computer controlled launch? Were they planning on shooting up another rocket to catch up to the first one if the plan failed?"
"You ask too many questions. Just do it."
"Do what? Ask questions?"
"No! Start punching codes, damn it!"



"I'm just that good!"
"Oh, come on!"
"Nah, I just looked it up on GameFAQs."
"Game what now? Bah, you kids and your weird methods."
"Do I hear the old Cid returning?"
"Gah! No, no. Happy thoughts...."



"Well, we got the materia, so let's get the heck out of here."
"The escape pods are right down there. It's smooth sailings from here on."



"Dagnabbit, these jinxes. They'll be the death of me."
"This blanket is too heavy. The fluffyness is off the scales."
"It looks more like we're putting our geriatric dad to bed, doesn't it?"



"Well, at least I got the chance to be happy once in my lifetime. And this is pretty damn sweet."
"And you celebrate that by doing your best to make us all sad? That is a new level, even for you."



"You 'tagged along'? Down here? How are you not dead?! I mean... we established this before: you are down here at launch, you are gonna die."
"I just knew I had to be here. That's it."
"Well, now that we are a whole three more people, we should be able to move this fluffy blanket and escape."
"WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED.....!"
"Guys, seriously...."



"I don't know about you, Tifa, but I'm honestly weirded out like you wouldn't believe."
"No, I'm with you on that. I'm honestly thinking we all died, and this is our last fever dream as our souls rejoin the lifestream."
"Do you think there's any reason to hop into the escape pod?"
"Well... let's just do that. Just in case."
"You guys are being weird."
"OH ARE WE?!"



"And here we go. Bye bye, rocket of madness."
"See you, barge of insanity."
"So long, ship of corporal malfunctions."
"Good night, sweet Prince of mental misbehavior."
"Catch you later, cerebral alligator."
"You've gained some interesting friends, Cid."
"Tell me about it."


"And so, the goal of a man and his dreams came to an end, with some interesting side missions to go with it. The aquisition of a giant rock seems so impossibly small in the vastness of space, where even dreams might seem tiny to those not involved. Still, there is nothing wrong with savoring what you have done, even when it's over."



"Well... I once thought I'd welcome this -- actually, I still do -- but man, does it feel unreal."
"I know. This tiny window is all I have, and this moment, but wow, space is amazing!"
"He's like a little kid sitting in the window seat on an airplane ride, not being able to tear his face away from the view. It's honestly kind of adorable, now that I've gotten used to it."
"Yeah, ya know, I'm actually kind of looking forward to seeing where all this will go when we finally deal with Sephiroth. And it's all thanks to a formerly cranky man and an at-first-glance insignificant woman who stepped in just when we needed her to."
"Well, when we get back down, let's have some goddamned tea."
"Oh ha ha ha ha ha ha."


To be continued....

[northlander]

Chapter 31: It's All Just Black And White, Isn't It?




"And thar she goes, and thar she blows."
"I'm not sure how much we can expect the rocket to... you know, blow up the meteor when we took out its main payload, though."
"Um... oops?"
"Let's start up a TV station and blame Shinra for that. Then they can be executed on live TV to boost morale or something. We can start with Scarlet."
"Yikes! I know we've been killing footsoldiers left and right, but that seems weirdly vindictive."



"And now I'm blind. Well, I was sitting with my face pressed to the window outside, I guess. Still... I regret nothing."
"That was one heck of a flash, though. I wonder how people on the planet is taking all of this."
"But more importantly, how did the meteor take a rocket to its face?"



"That... does not look good."
"I think we just made it mad."
"Silly Cloud. Meteors can't be mad."
"That's true. Still, I kind of feel weird again, given who just pointed that out."
"Oh, come on, guys. Don't say that. I'll even let you have some lard in your tea when we get back down."
"Ew."



"Yep. Those folks are cowering in fear. Whether it is because of meteor or my giant head staring down at them.... well, I guess I'll never know."



"I knew we shoulda taken some explosives with us when we went into the rocket. We could've exchanged it with the huge materia we took from the rocket, and maybe that would've made the meteor go kaboom."
"Honestly, I should be mad at you for doing that, but putting a huge materia into a rocket and firing it at the meteor just smacks of Shinra just throwing everything at a wall and seeing what sticks. And all that just to come across as doing everything they can, when they're really making none of the sacrifices."



"Nope. It's a whole new Cid."
"Wait, what?"
"Oh, Barret, you should have seen him in that rocket. It was like a magical transformation of epic proportion."
"Uh...."
"Yeah, he shed his cranky, old skin like a worm and spread his magical butterfly wing of childish optimism."
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to even imagine that?"
"Yes. Yes, I do. Now... do you have any idea how utterly and jaw-stompingly weird it was to actually see it happen?"
"I... think I'll put that train of thoughts aside. I think my brain will probably fry long before I can figure that out."



"Yeah, I can see that. Yer gonna haveta forgive my stupefied look while we listen to your explanation."



"Well, if you look at it that way...."
"I do love how you sort of describe Sephiroth as a 'festering sickness', though. I'll make sure to call him that before I stab him through the chest again."
"What do you mean 'again'? Far as I remember, the story was that he stabbed you through the chest, and then you lifted him up by him holding on to that sword and threw him down a reactor core or something. It was so amazingly insane for a story that I don't really remember the details."
"Wait, you really told them that?"
"Well... yeah."
*sigh* "One step forward, two steps back."



"D'oh!"
"Well, at least he's thinking about it. That's already one step ahead of Shinra. You know... since we're measuring in steps now and stuff."
"Indeed. So, feel free to catch up, kids."
"Oooooh, that's a sick burn."
"I know. I haven't thrown away all of my old Cid. You never know when you might meet some whippersnappers who need to be put in their place."



"Really? It has a mouth, hence it must scream?"
"It's a whole new world as we know it."
"At least it can?"



"Erm.... you can like both, you know. Like... do research on how to make machinery and science safe for the world. For people and for nature."
"Oh. Well... um... OK, then."



"It's not a star, it's a goddamn meteor. Do you think something that close is a star? If it was, we'd all basically be star fuel by now."



"Yes, that sounds all deep and profound and stuff, but.... it doesn't really help much on a practical level, does it?"
"You have no sense of romance."
"Yes, Cloud. You have no sense of romance."
"Weren't you the one who said romance was all about timing? Well... NOW IS NOT A GOOD TIME!"



"Let's have a brainstorming session. We need Yuffie, Cait Sith and... um Cid and Barret."
"Well... with our powers combined. At least they can't take anything away from our efforts."



"I think it was a bit before my time."
"Uh... you're not that much younger than me."
"Well, I didn't get invited to the big Ancient Lands Excavation Tour, so there."
"Neither did Cait Sith or Barret, so.... why did we have them brought up here again?"
"Um.... wasn't me."
"So, was there a point to all of this?"



"The heck are you talking about?"
"Well, you had to be there."
"NOPE! I was there, and I'm wondering what the hell you are talking about."
"I'm reaching deep inside my heart. Shaddup!"



"Yes."
"Really? Aw."
"Nah, just yanking your crank. Honestly, if we can't bring up the memory from that time, then we're just gonna have to go there, don't we?"



"EUREKA! Of course, that was the answer all along: We didn't know."
"Oh wow, I see the light."
"That's right! We just didn't know. It's all so clear now."
"But if we didn't know, that leaves us with one option: we must find out."



"Um... go there? Like... right now? You have an airship, right?"



"Well, we kind of thought you preferred staying in your planet room and staring at people from above."
"Oh, I do, but not all the time."
"What? Did something happen?"
"I.. was checking in on Shinra and... there... there was Hojo, and he was.... he was...."
"OK THANK YOU NO NEED TO ELABORATE!"
"C'mon, grandpa Bugen. Let's go on a relaxing journey. That'll make you feel better, I'm sure."



"And we got our second old person acting like a giddy child."
"I wonder if Barret will become affected by this eventually too."
"I don't know if I find that an appealing thought or a scary one."
"Well, just try to imagine them as the three happy stooges."
".....I still don't know whether I find that fun or scary."



"I'm sure Shinra will never look for it up there."
"Well, if they didn't mind us going around grabbing all this battle materia up until now, I'm sure they won't mind us having all the huge ones either."
"I cannot fault your logic, young man. You speak well."



"Um... what?"
"You know, the soul in the materia."
"Ah, yes. And the lifestream is alive. And stuff."



"Bahamut Zero? Does it divide us to infinity as an attack? And how does something glow in a cold way? When something glows, doesn't that mean it expels energy, hence it should heat up?"
"Well, look at you being all scienc-y and stuff. I can tell that you are a lot of fun at parties."
"Well, of course. I have a giant sword. I'm a quite valued member of the party."
"D'oh! Foiled by semantics."



"Um... well, weird smells are usually a bad sign when it comes to machinery, but I'm sure we'll be fine."
"Oh, don't worry. This is all very new to me, so I'm going to react to all the smells, even the normal ones."
"Well... why don't you just go to the bridge and press your face against window for a while?"
"Okeydokey."



"That's.... actually a pretty interesting thought there, Yuffie. Granted, Shinra's mostly been the ones to create actual battle materia, but there have been completely natural battle materia fountains here and there too."
"Yeah. I know I gave my father crap because he didn't want to fight, but really, it must be terrible to have to fight all the time."
"Yes, we should only fight sometimes."



"Erm... you did apologize. And if she pet you on the nose, I think it's safe to say she harbored no hard feelings even if you didn't."
"Or maybe treating you like a child was her vengeance."
"Augh!"



"Hey, knock it off. SOLDIER taught me that there was no better way to go than to die in battle."
"Whoa! Calm down, Spartan. We're in Sensible Town now. Heck, even the Spartans would say 'come back with your shield or on it' instead of just 'come back on your shield'."
"Well, this just got really weird. Do you have anything to add, Cid?"



"......"
"Um....."
"Glorious death it is."
"I knew you'd see it my way."
"Computer says nooooooo..."



"Well... we're here. Again."
"And the place hasn't gotten any livelier since the last time we were here."
"Well... of course not. I don't think this place has seen as much action for thousands of years outside of when Sephiroth decided to drop in on.... uh, wow, unfortunate choice of words there."
"....yes."



"Oh, you've been here before?"
"Nah, I scoped out the area on my super planet projector hologram."
"Yes, of course we have airships and this level of technology. Good thing we've moved on from coal energy, I guess. Things run so much better on the blood of the planet. Anyway...."



"Let's see... OK, it's plugged in, but I'm not getting a signal. Let's try restarting the modem."
"Grandpa Bugen?"
"ONE SEC! OK, so... that didn't work, but the modem seems OK. Maybe I need to open some ports in the waterwall. Agh, this graphical interface makes no sense."
"Is it fixed?"
"Hold on to your chocobos! OK, so... uh, connecting to pylons. Bridging the memory gap. Executing the parameters."
"Um...."
"OK, I've tried everything, except..."
"Except?"
"Well, it's a last resort, and one I hoped I wouldn't need to rely on, but.... we have no choice. I need to... reverse this thing's polarity."
"...right. Well, we'll leave you to it, then."



*gasp* "The planet is in a crisis?! Why, I would never have known that... IF NOT FOR THE HUMONGOUS METEOR THAT'S HANGING OVER THE PLANET, GLOWING AN OMINOUS RED!"
"I never thought the ancients were huge fans of sarcasm. You learn something new every day."
"Does it end with 'great job ruining it, assholes'?"
"....no."
"Oh."
"...why do you sound so disappointed?"



"Did... did you almost say holy sh-."
"NO! Pay attention. I was talking about the magic spell Holy."
"Sh-"
"DON'T.... say it."
"But... but everything will disappear."



"Well, I think we should put it to a vote."
"Oh, I don't know about that. I think you'd lose against the trees and the plants, even if Shinra has done its best to even the odds there."
"Oh, snap, son."



"Get the white materia, drug the planet to like us. Problem solved."
"Well.... yes, but that was an offputting way to.... put it."



"Now, now. Let's be optimistic here."
"Oh? Well, then..."
"Yes, you make your wish to the planet, it'll laugh at you, and then the end comes."
"Aw, man!"



"It says 'don't any of you assholes know how to swim'?"
"Swim? Yeah, I know how to swim. Swam the lifestream, bitches! And I survived it too."
"Mostly intact."



"Well, then, please explain to me where this 'Greek' is? What's the name of the country where everyone who speaks 'Greek' lives."
"Um... Spain?"
"LET'S ALL GO CHECK THE MAGIC EARTH BALL!"
"That'll cost ya."



"It was his last interpretation."
"Analyzing language to the end."
"That's the way I wanna go."
"Y-... really?"
"Nah, just kidding. I think I'll follow in my father's footsteps."
"...that turned awkward right out of the blue."
"Well, we found this ridiculous item while diving underwater in our submarines. It used to be bigger than the submarine itself, but let me just dig it out of my pocket, and we can use it to... do whatever."



"This'll be good."
"What will be?"



"HRRRGLBRBLLBRBLRBL!"
"Ohoho, I wish I could see your faces. Oh, the ancients were such kidders."
"....."
"Oh, come on. Crack a smile now."



"Well, we're all soaked now."
"Liquid-based television programming. I bet you wish you had something like that in your planet hologram room."
"Nah, that's old hat."
"Well... yeah, maybe, but it's still amazing to hear you say that. Then again, you're kind of all over the place."
"Which, given that you've been cooped up in your room since the day we met you, sounds like kind of a weird thing to say."
"Because you've been part of his entire life for so long that you have that perspective?"
"Well, of course. I mean... it's not like most of my life has been a lie or anything."



"...well, I can already tell this will be a very enjoyable watch."
"At least they're getting straight to the... uh, point."
"......."
"I didn't do that on purpose, I promise."



"I never thought I'd be happy about cropping in a video, but now....."



"Jeez, how did Sephiroth miss that?! But more importantly, how did we not see it?"
"I'm guessing Sephiroth was too busy gloating, and as for us.... well, I think we can be excused. We were.... a bit upset at the time."



"Meaning if she hadn't prepared Holy for us, we couldn't have stopped him. So... she was right, I guess?"
"Aeris, kill-stealer."



"Even though you got all weird before you suddenly disappeared, and I really shoulda seen that coming."



"Um... she can't hear you."
"Ssssh. Don't ruin our tender moment."



"So.... Holy isn't getting through because someone is plugging up the planet."
"Oh dear lord...."
"Don't say it."
"Sephiroth, planet buttplug."
"AAAAAAARGH!"



"Well, that makes two of us; I didn't expect you to be here."
"But I was on the ship too."
"Well, you are considerably brainier than Barret and Cid."
"Well, neither of them are rocket scientists."
"...."
"Wait, Cid is one, isn't he?"
"Well, I wouldn't have believed it myself if I hadn't been to space with the guy."
"I'm not sure I would have believed it even if I had."



"Uh... aheh. Yeah, about that..."
"Yeah, I know you took the materia. Honestly, it doesn't really matter. It was a dumb and fruitless attempt, but that's not the problem at hand right now."



"Wait, they seriously didn't...."



"Yep. They sure did."


"When we started out our long journey, we found ourselves in maybe one of the most depressingly dark and grotesque cities imaginable; a beacon of everything that is wrong with big city life. But trust Shinra to make things even worse."



"Alrighty, the Sister Ray mk2 is ready to phallic the heck out of this sprawling metropolis of the future. For the glory of my amazing naming talents."
"Gwa ha ha ha ha ha ha."
"....I need to get a new crew."


To be continued....

[northlander]

Chapter 32: Big City vs Giant Monster II - The Day the City Fought Back.




"Since when?!"
"Since I decided on it, of course."
"OK, fair enough, but it's missing one important step in that decision process: INFORMING THE PERSON IN QUESTION!"
"I expected you to be a bit more proactive than that, Reeves. You disappoint me."
"I just... do you... how do you...."
"And this is why Heidegger ranks higher than you."
"Well, much egg in face for me for trying to handle this with some amount of intelligence."



"Yes. Yes, I... I feel good about my decisions."
"And you should, Mr. President. We got all this well in hand."
"We go ahead, full power. Like always."
"......."
"Go Go Team Proactive."



"....oh God..."
"Wasn't it already called the Sister Ray, though?"
"Yep. Just reminding you all."
"Well, keep up the good work."



"Right. Back to the ship asap. We gotta do something about this before..."
"What?!"
"What what?"
"What?"
"That!"



"...someone ought to tell that Weapon... thing... that the 'big shoulders' look is out."
"Yes. It's important to have priorities."



"But we're back on the ship. That is the most important part."
"But what are we supposed to take from all of this?"
"That the power was inside of us, all along."



"We needed power converter plugs, but the stores were all out."
"Seriously?"
"Nah, just kidding. It's just that the gun is so huge that we had to plug it straight into our power facilities. All of them."
"Well, it is a big gun."
"Yep!"



"Here it comes."
"I was starting to wonder why it took so long."
"I feel like I'm on a ship of lunatics."



"...wow, did he just..."
"Yep. He just made the 'you gotta crack some eggs to make an omelet' line. More or less."
"Our heroes."
"You're a part of that group, you know."
"Aw, poopie."



"Well... actually, I can. I can quit, I guess."
"And if you do that, you leave all the reigns to Rufus, Scarlet and Heidegger."
"Good point. I guess I can't really quit, can I?"
"We'd prefer it if you didn't, to be honest. You wouldn't want Barret to have to get back into action, right?"
"H-hey!"



"Thank you for the dilemma of the goddamned century. I stick to my job, and I have to deal with not having Rufus, Scarlet and Heidegger screw things up too much. And if I quit, Barret returns to blow up more stuff. Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place."
"You're welcome."
"None of this is welcome news, though."



"Of course we can win. I mean... since when did size matter?"
"That's what he said."
"I have... many feelings on the subject, some of which even occurred to me before the 'that's what he said' line."



"You know, that might be a good idea, especially since the Highwind doesn't have any weapons! Besides, since when did we drive the ship? You were the one who trained the pilot."
"Oh. Right. My bad."



"What is this? A parade?"
"Weapon has a biker vanguard. I... have no words."
"It's the weirdest honor parade ever."



"OK, so.... this might take a while."
"Yep."
"I think we might need to head off to the left. It's veering off course just a little bit."
"We got time. Say... did anyone bring a deck of cards?"



"Oh, poopie. Well, time to put away the cards. It's fighting time... in a few minutes."
*sigh* "Damn queue."



"There we go. Finally, jeez."
"Hey, Diamond Weapon. What took you so long?"
"And why do you call yourself 'Diamond Weapon'?"



"Oh."
"You fiend. How dare you attack us with lens flare?"
"Yeah. Regular Flare would have been enough."
"Uh... no. Please, no."
"Well, I know just what to unleash on this weapon here."



"Uh...."
"What the hell is that even....?"
"It's Typhon."
"De Leon?"
"We should be so lucky."
"Well... what does it do?"
"Typhon is the master of the ass blaster."
"Heh. That's a funny joke, Nanaki."



"....oh."
"If its ass has a face, does the assblast count as a fart or a belch?"
"....uh..."
"These are the questions that keep me up at night."
"I love you!"



"OK, the next step... let's throw in some regular Bahamut."
"Didn't we just get a Bamamut Zero? Why not use that?"
"Whoa, now. Let's not get too crazy."



"RIDE THE COMET, CLOUD!"
"WHOOOO! UNLEASH LASER SPEWING SAURON'S EYE, NANAKI!"
"OH YEAH!"
"Yeah, Cloud. Let's not get too crazy, here."



"It's still standing? Man, I'm going to have to unleash the 'slash-all' on this one."
"Um... Weapon is one being. What good do you think 'slash-all' is going to do?"
"Yep. One attack, and I'll nail both Weapon and its shoulders."
"Right. Of course."



"Alrighty, I think it's had enough."
"Uh.... OK? So... what was the point of us fighting that thing at all?"
"I dunno. I just felt like we couldn't progress unless we did."
"Wow, that doesn't make one bit of sense."



"It's sensing mur-... Cloud, we just tried to kill it!"
"Yes."
"And... well, just look at the size of that thing. How could we even hope to hurt it?"
"I guess we couldn't?"
"Not even with Belchie Assblaster or Cloud the Comet-surfing Crazypantsman?"
"At this point, we better hope that Diamond Weapon doesn't know how to use the assblaster."



"Um... we've already established that they put the big gun on Midgar, and we also know that Diamond Weapon is pretty large because we basically fought it!" So.... please tell me, oh wise and compassionate one, what is this 'REALLY BIG'S' that's coming'?"
"Meteor, duh!"
"BUT OF COURSE!"



"Excellent decision, sir."
"Yes.... yes, I must... fire them. Preferably through the cannon we just installed."
"Um... let's not do that."



"Open all the ports for full power attack!"
"What are you doing? You're wasting all that energy by just throwing it up in the air?! Focus, you idiots. Redirect all of it into the firing core. Christ, do I have to do everything?!"



"There we go. If the pre-shot energy build doesn't look like it's tearing a hole in time and space, you aren't doing it right."
"So cool!"



"Well, it was obvious, wasn't it? I mean... it was headed straight for the city and all, so why are we even surprised?"
"Well, when you put it like that, it's almost like all of this nonsense with the city cannon and Diamond Weapon was a huge waste of time."
"Remind me again; why didn't we just go into Midgar and get Marlene out of there?"
"That's all well and fine for you, I guess, but let me remind you... I'm also really in Midgar. And you know what? I could just leave if I wanted to. Nobody would stop me from doing that, but I can't do that! And do you know why?"



"I dunno. Does it have something to do with the giant laser coming out from the city?"
"Uh... no, not directly."



"I hate to admit it, but that's... actually a pretty good plan of action."
"Although that just makes me wonder why Diamond Weapon here is aiming for the city when ol' Sephy is in the opposite direction, and clearly the planet's biggest threat."



"Pfft. I can do that too."
"I'm not going to ask you where you were planning on shooting that from."
"From my a-"
"DON'T!"



"OK, I want that second message guy fired. I don't tolerate no bad news when I'm in the boss seat."
"Sir, you really, really should stop doing that. Especially when they're just doing their job."



"Welp, they ded."
"Ah-yup."
"Oh, so this time it's OK to be a casual jerk about this?"
"Well, sure. It's Shinra."



"I... don't think you can pat yourself too hard on the back about that, Barry."
"Also, how did... how did you advertize yourself? 'Wanna blow stuff up and maybe kill a lot of people? JOIN AVALANCE TODAY! No, seriously, I wanna boss people around, so don't stand around. Sign up right now!' "
"What?! I never told no sucka I wanted to be in charge of them like that."
"Some words were left unspoken, huh?"
"Yeah."
"....."
"Wait, no, I meant...."



"Oh, she's still your 'beloved woman', huh? Despite the fact that she was a scientist, she had the brain of a goddamned turnip."
"HEY! Also, turnips don't have brains."
"Exactly."
"HEY!"
"HEY! HOW ARE YOU?!"
"I'M IN A DARK PLACE!"
"EVERYTHING AS USUAL, THEN?!"
"AH-YUP!"
"....that was new."



"No more crashing into flying gigantic weapons of war. Got it!"
"Great."
*urp*
"Wait, what was that?"
"Funny you should ask."



"Well, at least it's just hanging there now."
"THIS IS... THE FINAL BATTLE!"



"Oh, this is the Ultimate Weapon."
"Well, I have the ultimate attack for that."



"Hm. Dolphin Blow or Meteor Strike. Which one sounds more badass, I wonder?"
"They call her Flipper, Flipper, punches of liiiightning. Kicks that are friiiightening, and boobs that are laaa-"
"HEY! Also, since when did you start caring about human boobs anyway?"
"Um... it's leaving."



"Good. Just... tell him not to ram into giant.... anything, please."
*sigh* "Fine."



"Are you trying to say you don't care about the President?"
"Yeah. I mean... weren't you talking to him just before the big explosion?"
"Well, yes, but... I kinda left the room in a hurry before he decided to have me killed for talking back to him."
"Erm... I guess that makes sense?"



"Wait, it's got a three hour reload time? How is that in any way helpful if you miss your first shot?"
"Well, first you pick really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really...."
"......."
"....really slow targets."
"But how is it already ready to fire again, then? Don't we have to... you know, get more energy ready to fire?"



"And I can't really do anything about you being slow on the uptake. Someone is in the mainframe, they are taking control of the cannon and possibly dooming us all here, and we need to find out who."
"Yeah, but you don't get to give me orders, so we're not going to."
"Damned if I do, damned if I don't."



"Oh, Dr. Hojo. Of course. That explains everything."
"Hey, why are you contacting the mainframe yourself? I did not authorize it."
"I know you're right about this, but I can't allow you to upstage us."



"I'll take us all to our doom if I have to, if I can only get some answers... before I die."
"....."
"Boy, even I'm conflicted now."



"Who's the smartypants now?"
"Reeve is."
"Reeve."
"Reeve, definitely."
"Reeve, by a solid margin."
"I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you from MY OWN PERSONAL DARKNESS!"
"Oh, come on. How can Reeve be smart when he's now captured."
"Yes. By STUPID PEOPLE!"



"Um... didn't I just establish that I can't because Hojo took complete control, and Heidegger and Scarlet are being... big surprise; A BUNCH OF MORONS ABOUT IT!"



"And I just told you why."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
OK, then."
"I feel stupider from having watched this."
"Tell me about it."
"......"
"And by that, I mean don't really tell me about it. It's just an expression and stuff."
"I know, Cid. I know."



"Uh... yeah, that's an ominous sentence-starter."



"You know, that explosion you caused that killed a lot of people? This will be... a pretty big omelet, if you catch my drift. Like... city-wide big, not just a single-plate one."
"Well, what's the downside?"
"So many people will die."
"Yes, but what's the downside?"
*sigh* "...including your daughter."
"OH NO, WE NEED TO STOP THIS ASAP!"



"Private matter? I'll show you private matter."



"Now, enjoy me showing you from your jail cell."
"The prison cells don't have any windows, you stupid asshole."
"Not my problem."
*siiiiiigh*



"Oh, so now we're back to this. Don't we have more important things to do?"
"Damn it! Pilot, could you please stop headbutting the flying demon with the ship?"



"Most depressing place on the planet in sight."
"And you know what that means, right?"



"To get shot down by the giant cannon with the three-hour reload time?"
"Well... it is going to fire soon, but not at us, because since when did Hojo care about consequences other than the ones he done?"



"Parachutes are cool!"
"Um...."
"Yeah, I'm sure Yuffie will just love that. She's taken so well to this ship, after all."
"We're doing WHAT?!"
"See?"



"Guys, do we really have to do this?"
"Well, you can stay on the ship if you want to."
"Urgh! If there ever was a 'damned if I do, damned if I don't' situation....."



"GERONIMOOOOOOOO!"
"PONTIAAAAAAAAAC!"
"CRAZY HOOOOOOOOOORSE!"
"Kids today...."
"WHY DID I THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEEEEAAAAAAA?!"
"Don't worry. It'll all be over soon."
"You... Did you learn your comforting skills from Maurice the Ascended Saurian?"


"When you have to save the world, sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and hope things work out for the best. Because what else are you going to find at the end of the rainbow if not a pot of gold?"



"Boy, skydiving is awesome and all, but the view could have been so much better."
"Why don't I improve it by throwing up all over it?"
"Sure, go hog wild."
"Wow, really?" *urp*
"Yeah, Cloud. Really?"
"Why not? It's not like we're coming back here again or anything."
"You mean aside from right now?!"
"Well, sure. I mean... don't vomit on the landing spot, Yuffie. That's all I ask."
"Can't make any promises, but.... HERE GOES!"


To be continued....

[northlander]

Chapter 33: The Day That Science Died.




"OK, I think I see a vomit-free spot there."
"Dibs!"
"Um... that's not how this works."
"Yeah. It's first come, first serve."
*sigh* "Noooooo."



"Why should I be worried about Heidegger? The guy is a complete moron."
"Yes, he is. That's why he's more likely to give orders like 'shoot on sight' and 'shoot to kill'."
"I hate it when you make sense."
"So you hate me all the time, then?"
"Not when you're doing fortune telling."
"Oh snap, son!"
"Kidding aside..."



"Yuffie, this place stinks because you vomited all over it."
"Yeah, because you said it was alright."
"I didn't think you were serious."
"What made you think that? When I was standing inside the ship, heaving my guts out despite trying my best not to?"
"Touché."
"Escargot!"
*urp* "Stop that."



"OK, now I feel less good about being back in Midgar."
"I haven't exactly missed this either."
"Oh, come on. This'll be fun."
"Really?"
"Well, no. No, it won't."
"Oh, damn it!"



"Yay, Aegis Armlet."
"Coming down here was so worth it."
"Well, it's not like Shinra knows we're here."
"Sure, as long as they don't see the airship floating above the city."
"D'oh!"



"We.... just fought a manhole."
"Was it from Venus?"
"Heck, no! I only play the best videogames. From Atarisoft."
"My hero. Take me now."
"I don't understand you people."



"And the theme of this place is.... pipes."
"That's the theme of half of Midgar."
"The rest being subway trains and slum areas."



"Normal shell? As in the kind of shell you load up in a cannon, or are we facing the Ninja Turtles?"
"Ninja Turtles?! No way anything like that will ever be popular."
"Yeah! All my money is on the Manholes game."
"Of Venus."
"Yeah. I mean.... who'd care about the Manholes of Mars?"



"If I ask you all to pipe down for a second, would that get me in trouble with the pun police?"
"Yes. Yes, it would."



"Fighting evil by moonlight...."
"...I never pegged you the type, Cloud."
"Hey, that song is an earworm. Nobody is safe from it getting stuck in their brain."
"Yeah, fair enough. That said....."
"No, I am not wearing a sailor scout costume."
"H-hey, I was totally not going to ask you to do that for me."
"Aeris, what have you started?"



"Oh, thank God for the distracting Behemoth."
"I am going to punch you in the soul for this, you monster."
"Better it than me."
"Our hero."



"Max Ray. That's such an action character name."
"I'm sure it's the real name of Staff Sargeant Max Fightmaster."
"And he carries a gun called.... oooooh."
"Yes, Max Ray is Staff Sargeant Max Fightmaster's gun."
"I hope you realize that means we just have to steal it."
"Yeah! I'm sure Max can fight his enemies with his bear hands."



"Why do I have to go first?"
"Because A: I'm wearing a miniskirt, and B: I want to stare at your butt for once."
"Well, that makes sen-...wait, what?"
"That's right. Shake it!"
"Um... we don't have much wiggle room here, Tifa."
"I'll take what I can get."



"So... this is what it's all leading to."
"I kind of feel like this is the last standoff."
"This is going to be the confrontation they'll all be talking about."



"A company in turmoil is the best company to receive orders from. Everyone knows that."
"See? I knew you'd understand."
"Um... no, that's not..."



"What?!"
"This is stupid. This is all stupid."
"But... our assignment?"
"Yes, our assignment. That Heidegger and Scarlet gave us."
"Well.... they did, but...."



"Um... guys."
"Quiet! We're having a moment here."
"We are?"
"Yes. Let's go."
"Uh... OK."
"Well... that's that, then. Bye bye."



".....I have to admit I didn't see that coming."
"So... what do we do now?"
"I dunno. What we came here for, I guess?"
"Oh, right."



"Shadow maker?"
"That's... don't we all sort of cast shadows, though?"
"Maybe it's basically a huge lamp."
"And they defeat us by making us cast shadows?"
"....yes."
"And this is why the Turks didn't want to bother anymore."
"I don't blame them."



"Naaaah, this couldn't possibly be the right way. Too many science pipes."
"Well, we passed the Turks, so next on our list would be... oh."



"Aw, poopie. This path is closed. Well, next one."



"Another airduct."
"You first."
"Nope. It's my turn to stare at your ass. Especially since I've never really done that before."
"Um... really?"
"Well, this is only the second airduct we've crawled through, so...."
"Oh."
"Why do you sound so disappointed?!"



"Aw, do we have to?"
"Yes! We have to stop that thing from draining the city dry over and over."
"But it's got such a stupid name!"
"I know, Cloud. I know. Just... just be glad you never had to endure any of her brainstorming sessions whenever she felt the need to name something."
"Wow, that's... *sigh* ...OK, fine. We'll go face them. This needs to stop."
"Yes. Hojo must not be allowed to empower Sephiroth."
"Oh. I thought we were talking about the fact that Scarlet must be stopped from naming anything ever again."
"....well, that is important too, I guess."



"So... is it Scarlet or Heidegger who laughs Gyaaa Haaa Haaa?"
"That's be Heidegger. Scarlet goes Kyaaa haaa haaa."
"Of course."
"That's nice and all, but shouldn't we stop them before they..."



"...damn it!"
"Proud Clod?! Does she even know what 'Clod' means?"
"No. She doesn't. She never does. She picks her name depending on whether she thinks it sounds cool, real meaning be damned."



"Yeah, that's a Clod, alright. Piloted by two Clods."
"You don't deserve to call yourself a Clod."
"Hah! That's telling them, Scarlet."
"Well, this is a dilemma. Do we end their miserable lives now, or do we let them live with the embarrassment of this stupid conversation when they learn what a clod really is?"
"The dilemma of the ages."



"Oh, even better. These two idiots build a huge lumbering mech, and their idea of an effective attack mode is wrist laser?!"
"Mount the lasers on the head! The hands are for megaton punches and nasty claw attacks. How exactly did these two idiots ever advance as far as they did in Shinra?"
"I have asked myself that many, many times. I still have no answer."



"Oof. Crotch flames. I didn't expect that."
"At least it wasn't yellow flames."



"So, not impressed so far? Well, then, eat Proud Clod's HYPNOTIC BEEEAAAAAM!"
"Urgh! Why do they keep piling on attacks that make no sense for their proud clod's design?"
"I shall mix and match as I please."
"Mix? Yes. Match? Hell, no!"
"I hate you so much."



"Did you come up with the assblaster too, Scarlet?"
"It's the Butt Blaster. Have a little class, you big-boobed tramp!"
"Using 'butt' instead of 'ass' doesn't really make it any classier, you moron. And your chest is almost a big as mine, you stupid butthole."
"Ohoho, I see what you did there."
"Yeah. It sounds so much classier, doesn't it?"
"I hate you so much."
"What? Nooo. I thought you tried getting me executed on live TV because you loved me. Much eggy farts in the face for me."
"Hate you so much. Hate. Hate. HAAAAATE!"
"OK, now you're making me worried."
"Calm down, miss Kefka."



"And the Clod goes down, with the two pilot Clods inside of it."
"Oh, Scarlet, you know what?"
"No. What?!"
"I looked up the word 'clod' in my dictionary. It more or less means 'large, bumbling fool'."
"Wait, seriously?"
"Yes, seriously."
"You mean to say... you have a dictionary?!"
"......."
"Well, to be honest, we're kind of surprised about that too."
"Oh, come on!"



"Oh, Hojo. Right. I knew we were here for a reason."
"I haven't had the chance to repay him for his hospitality yet."
"Oh, come on. He even provided you with girls."
"Oh, yeah. I could've had all the nosepats."



"I feel... violated."
"Big brother XCannon sees you."
"And it's all pee-colored too."
"The robot that marks its territory?"
"I bet Scarlet is behind the design and purpose for that one too."
"Do we even want to know what she'd call the skill?"
"Well... it's called 'search'. So says the information screen."
"Not Scarlet, then."
"Probably not."



"We're really gonna show him the score, aren't we?"
"Well, we really need to let Hojo know that he wasn't doing too well."
"I just wonder if he tried dating one of my people."
"......"
"Wow, now that I've thought about it, that would explain a lot. And now that I have, I kinda wish I hadn't."
"......."
"Oh dear lord, why did I even... please! Please hit me in the head with the flat side of your sword. Or kick me. I NEED A CONCUSSION NOW! OR AS MANY AS I NEED TO MAKE THIS THOUGHT LEAVE MY HEAD!"



"Maximum who?"
"It's big brother Kimaira."
"Well, if that's maximum kimaira, I don't think any kimaira is going to be a huge problem."
"Aw, you hurt its feelings."
"I am mildly sorry about that, but we really don't have time to play nice right now."



"Well, you don't have any scientific sense now, so I don't see how you've changed since then."
"Just you wait. I'm going to give Sephiroth all the energy he needs to doom this world, and then... you'll remember me for the rest of your lives."
"Yeah, getting us all killed before we even reach old age might be cheating a bit on that statement."
"Hey, I'm a scientist. I only care about results."



"Why, I'll have you know that this is the finest of nonsense achievements. It met with success, which is more than can be said about most of my experiments so far."
"While mistakes are part and parcel of the whole science thing, a scientist still needs a good head on their shoulders."
"Well, I could've had another success story on my hand if you would just have had sex with Aeris like I wanted you to."
"I can't have children with human beings, you stupid moron! We are not genetically compatible. As a scientist, you should know that! How much do I have to speak in italic for you to realize that?!"



"He has begun to understand. You do not get to be a good scientist until you start asking the right questions."
"Like... how do I get an ancient and a big cat to bone each other?"
"I don't even want to find out how much drugs that would have to entail."



"Yeah, we could see that coming a mile away, you gargantuan weirdo."
"And that's why you could be a good scientist."
*sigh* "Well, I'll make sure to mention you're his father, then."
"I... have no idea whether I find this cruel and inhumane or not."



"He's not even listening, is he?"
"I guess you don't get to the point where you inject babies with cells if you're the kind to listen to people when they tell you that you're a horrible person just for thinking about it."
"Hey, did I tell you that Sephiroth is my child?"
"YES!"



"This is the weirdest conversation I've hever had to endure."
"Yeah, me too, and I've been inside Cloud's mind. And while that was no walk in the park either, just... just listening to Hojo for any length of time trumps everything. Except maybe listening to Trump."



"Did you do that just now, or some time ago? Can you control when you go completely ape? What does it feel like?"
"Yes! YES! Ask me more. THIS IS SCIENCE!"
"Science of Complete Weirdoes."



"Well... his first form wasn't much to speak of."
"Given that it was his regular form, that goes without saying."
"I got to hand it to Hojo, though; he managed to cancel out my general distaste for beating up old people. That takes some serious effort."



"Uh... yeah, does our religion -- if we have one, that is -- even have a hell?"
"Hell, yeah!"
"Damn it, I knew I forgot to ask Aeris something."
"Maybe we can ask Ifrit. He is a fire spirit, after all."
"Uh... I doubt he'd be much help."
"Oh, he will. We can ask him while he bumrushes Hojo there."
"It's Helletic Hojo."
"You say that as if it doesn't sound completely stupid."
"Oh yeah? Well, let's have a vote. Hands up if you think it sounds cool."



"......."
"Hah. Told you."
"Oh, screw you. And the least you could do was help me by putting all four legs up in the air. I mean... I even got you laid and stuff."
"Yeah, no. You did that more for your own benefit. On at least two fronts."
"And hey... if you think all limbs should count, why aren't you raising your other arm?"
"Well, that's... because I'd fall on my face if I did."
"MAJOR THREAT LEVEL, YO!"
"Well, enough of this. I'm not going to get Ifrit involved in ths stupidity, but I think I have the perfect summon to put my foot down on this."



"....and to think, we complained about Proud Clod using weird unrelated attacks, and here Alexander is standing on its four absurdly large limbs and---- firing lasers at our enemies."
"Yeah, I'm kind of disappointed myself."



"Ack! I have lost my support arm. But I am not defeated yet."
"What? Are you gonna bite our legs off?"
"If you can shuffle over here with your chin, that is?"



"Um...."
"OK, when you don't have legs, I guess your only option is to levitate?"
"Please tell me that's a tail and not a penis."
"Also, if you could transform into... well, that... why the one-handed pushup mode?"
"I am a scientist. I must try everything."
"Nope."
"Nope what?"



"You are an EX scientist."
"Yes, your metabolic processes are about to be history. You're off your twig... or at least I hope that's a twig."
"That my end should be narrated by an act of comedy. So unscientific."
"So fitting."



"I can. I mean... seriously? You've seen how he has acted thus far? And you know who his parents are. Hojo and the dumbest woman on this planet."
"Hey!"
"Well, she is."
"Anyway, we really should leave."
"And how do you propose we do that?"
"...walk? I mean... who's gonna stop us? The Turks aren't going to, and the... heh ...the Proud Clod isn't going to be able to do anything either. There is literally nobody left who can."
"Well, damn! You're right."



"....well?"
"I thought you would tell us."
"How the heck would I know?"
"I dunno. Why'd you bring it up?!"
"Because I wanted someone to tell me."
"Oh, for the love of...."



"Well... look who's trying to get some alone time with... ah, crap. Jumped the gun too soon."
"Sssssh."
"And somebody wants that too."
"Weren't you going to have some tea with your favorite assistant?"



"I didn't say we'd lose the fight. I was just concerned about meteor, which is not about a fight at all."
"Oh. Right."



"It's good PR, though. Right?"
"As long as you don't blow up something important to the people you're trying to help, sure."



"Well, duh! You already figured out Sephiroth's parentage before we took down Hojo, but... this escaped you?"
"Well, we can't all be PR experts."



"Well, in all fairness, Shinra is hardly innocent. Them dropping the plate on one of the districts and killing everyone isn't your fault. Specifically."
"Specifically?"
"It was Shinra who wanted to blame Avalance for this, even if Rufus saw it as a chance to crush some of his issues more than anything else. Worst day to take my leave week, in hindsight."



"Go through all your second thoughts, and crush them without mercy."
"Yikes! That's an ominous way to put it."



"Oh, pfft. Didn't you state otherwise just minutes ago?"
"Well, sure. I mean... if I'm to continue existing, I have to save the world I'm existing on."
"Semantics. They're awesome."



"Um... how about 'I want to continue living'? Does that work as a reason, or does that just make me come across as selfish?"
"Nah, living is awesome."
"......living is my punishment. I must endure it, so I cannot allow Sephiroth to ruin that."
"Dude, seriously...."



"I mean... I thought you might have wanted to go back to our old homestead and visit all the actors that pretend that they've lived there all their lives."
"Been there, done that, did the SALTZA and got the T-shirt."
"Really? Then why aren't you wearing it right now?"
"It... was a bit tight.... across the chest."
"Uh.... right."
"Well, MOVING ON...."



"....is a giant rock. Like... a really, gigantically huge one."
"I will Dolphin Punch it right back into space if I have to."



"Um... Tifa, we really need to hope that as many people as possible return to help us."
"There you go again with your sensibility. What about my feelings?"



"But how do you go back from consciousness? By becoming unconscious again?"
"It's a consciousness to consciousness journey."
"That's so deep."



"Also, we're fighting for the stars too? Sheesh, you need to stop promising everyone to save the world they're not even a part of. That's a weird kind of ambition."
"Sorry. Force of habit."



"I'm still an awkward kid at heart, huh?"
"Well, wasn't that long since we crawled out of that mire, Cloud. Let's just live and learn."



"I've heard actions work very well. Like... KISS ME! KISS ME, YOU FOOL!"
"Aw, man, I nearly dislocated my jaw yawning. In fact, my ears popped so hard, it drowned out any sound for a while. Anyway, did you say something?"
"....nope. And you will never understand the chance that just passed you by."
"Well, it's been a long day. Let's take a nap underneath the stars."



"Um... it's not day yet."
"Cloud?"
"Yes?"
"Shut up and learn to enjoy the moment."


"And so we find ourselves here, at the deep breath before the plunge. With all distractions gone, did Cloud learn to enjoy the moment? Did he take the hint? Enjoy the moment?"



"Good boy."
"I thought you said you didn't like good boys."
"Sssssh. Don't ruin this moment, Cloud."
"...sorry."


To be continued....

[northlander]

Chapter 34: Final Battle, the Preliminaries.




"Because... there are two of us."
"...yes."
"And 'alone' means you're are entirely by yourself."
"Yes, Cloud, I get it."
"So when there are two of us, that means we aren't alone."
"Cloud, I've had my moment with you... such as it was. I'm fine with the others returning now."
"Oh...."



"We'll never walk alone."
"It hurts enough that he'll probably never let me live this one down, but to throw soccer references into this?"
"Who are you talking to, Tifa? The other not-alone person on this ship?"
*sigh*



"Wait, I didn't start flying the aircraft yet. How can it move?"
"Maybe we aren't.... *gasp* ....ALONE!"
"And that was the day we all realized that, deep inside, we were never alone."
"Yes, I realize how cheesy that sounds now."



"Because we didn't want to interrupt your tender little moment."
"Uh... thanks? I think?"
"We were hoping you'd make it a bit more exciting than you just did, though, but you just sat there leaning on each other. Sleeping."
"Yeah. Way to entertain your audience."
"But Cloud sent you away so we could have some private time together."
"Um... no, I didn't."
"Yes, we know. And that's why we double-booked it back here."
"Besides, how far did you expect we'd get without an airship? You do realize we all live in the most ridiculously separate parts of this world, right? And to get to those places quickly and efficiently, we'd need.... oh, AN AIRSHIP?!"
"Nurse! I found a plothole!"



"Uh... yes, we already established that."
"And whaddya mean 'interrupt'? We just sat around in the ship, and now the moment is over by itself. There's nothing for us to interrupt, except maybe's Sephiroth's attempt to meteor-bomb the whole planet."
"Oh, right. I knew we had something really important to do."



"So... uh, did you go and... erm.... wow, I'm not sure what to say here. Did you really head off for... do you even have a home?"



"Must.... contain..... bitchslap....."
"That's our pretentious poser, alright."
"It's nice to see that some things don't change."



"Wait, weren't you arrested by Heidegger and Scarlet?"
"Yes. Yes, I was."
"Um... right. I explained my own question, didn't I?"
"When Heidegger and/or Scarlet are part of the equation, you always do."



"Why would she want to miss this?!"
"Also, maybe she wanted to give us some actual... you know... privacy?!"
"I do not know this word you speak of. What does it mean?"
"Well, it's not the words you're going to have to eat, so don't worry about it."
"What'chu talkin' 'bout, sucka?!"



"You thought you'd come and share all your best bits with the rest of us?"
"I appreciate your barfing humor, but... hey, how did your date go?"
"Why don't you ask the audience?"
"Um.... what?"
"Eh, it was kinda boring. They just slept together."
"What?! And you just sat and watched?"
"Yes. What's the problem?"
"Many things."
"Erm.... it's OK, weirdly enough. We did sleep. Literally."
"That... doesn't make this situation any better, especially since it sounds like these doofuses expected you to do something a bit more.... proactive."
"Yeah, Cloud. Maybe next time we spy on you, you will not disappoint us?"



"I feel like my humanity is unraveling as we speak. In fact, I almost wish I was back inside my own mind, back when I floated around in the lifestream. That was much easier to deal with than this nonsense."



"Just like usual, then."
"Oh, shaddup."



"Uh.... yes. We are going to do something. Like... going down and stopping Sephiroth. Our goal couldn't possibly have been more clear, so why are we being all ambiguous now?"
"Because ambiguousness is the cruise control for cool."
"....no. No, it isn't."



"Um.... Aeris can't just return to the lifestream because something is stopping it. I bet y'all are regretting calling Sephiroth the buttplug of this whole cataclysm now?"
"I did. AND I REGRET NOTHING!"
"And therein lies the problem."



"Um... I'm not sure if that's a good ideSOMEONE STOP HIM NOW!"
"Too late."



"And hope we don't die from this unauthorized lever-pulling."
"Whoa, steady in your step, comrade Cloud."
"So.... aren't we going to check what this lever did? Like... I don't necessarily think this thing has a self-destruct mechanism or anything, even if I wouldn't put that past Shinra, but... better safe than sorry, right?"
"Better safe than sorry? Tifa, just a couple of days ago, we were sitting in a rocket careeing off into space, and now you get on my back about safety?"
"Well, of course. With Shera, safety inspector extraordinaire on the job, we were gonna be fine."
"Um... we were still doing something really ridiculous for the first time in our recorded history."
"Yes, but... damn, you're right. Well, never mind, then. Pull all the levers."
"Let's not do that."



"Wait, this thing has jet engine propulsion? Why didn't we use that from the start?"
"Because the fuel consumption goes through the roof."
"Ha ha ha silly Cid, nothing uses fuel in this world."
"Now look here.... wait. Damn, you're right."



"No, I mean... what's with the 'stick it to him' comment? Weren't you getting all up in my ass over the buttplug comment?"
"Oh, look who's talking."
"Touché."
"This has got to be the weirdest conversation I've ever heard."
"Yeah, it's pretty ass, isn't it?"
"Don't you start too."



"Um...."
"If he needs to be held down for any reason, who's holding them down? Who's holding us down?!"
"I think he just wants them to touch him."
"H-hey, I do not!"



"Now, hold me tighter, you magnificent flunkies!"
"Um.... Cid, you know that this is 2020, and it's getting more and more OK to be gay, right?"
"I told you it's not like that. Anyway, GRAB HARDER!"
"I know it's not the right thing to do, but wow, it's really, really tempting to make gay jokes right now."
"Restrain yourself, Tifa."
"But I don't wannaahaahaaaaaa...."



"Today, Ultima Weapon's front right foot will fall!"
"Or at least its claws."
"We're gonna manicure the hell out of that thing."
"Um... it's pedicure, Cloud. Technically."
"Whatever. Also, since that is its front legs, wouldn't that make its front legs its hands?"
"Whatever! Are we seriously having an argument over this?"
"Hey, I didn't start it, but I sure can end it!"
"You two are fighting tooth and nail over this, huh? Especially the 'nail' part."
*cough*



"Hah! See? It has hands, so all four legs are... well, legs."
"Yeah, well... you're a poo poo head."
"No, you are a poo poo head."
"You two are just having fun with all of this, aren't you?"



"OK, now... let's do its left front foot."
"I'm on it!"
"Guys, seriously...."
"I'm a girl!"
"Yes, my bad. Can we just defeat this thing and be done with it?"



"Hah. You can't fly off anymore. We'll just fight you in our airship."
"And we have jet engines now. Where you go, we will follow."
"I don't even know where to begin here. We're talking to something that probably isn't listening anyway, and that we've been talking manicures all this time."
"Pedicures!"
"Whatever."
"Well, it's time to unleash my ultimate attack on this."



"Um... you're going to hit it with bad Disney movies?"
"What? No! I'm not that much of a monster."



"Yes, let's just unleash Skullface McDeath on it instead. Let's not get too overboard, right?"
"Hey, how was I supposed to know a materia called Hades would summon someone who looks like nightmare fuel?"



"Purple gas and corrosive mist. That's... kinda overkill, isn't it?"
"Eh, I'm sure it'll be fine. Just hold your breath a little bit longer."



"Oh, it survived the poison and corrosive stuff?"
"All that, and it's still flying too."
"Well, I'm at my limit here. Now eat comet death."



"Well, that made it... pose ominously in front of meteor."
"That bastard."
"Man, I even unleashed Comet2 on it, and that did no damage?"
"It did. Just not where you wanted it to."
"What do you mean?"



"....oh."
"Well, shouldn't we give chase?"
"Yeah, but there's just one problem we have to deal with first."
"Really? What's wrong?"
"I'm dead."
"....oh."



"I'm dead. Save me, random guy I somehow remember."



"Well, I'm alive again."
"OK, now can we chase it?"
"Sure."



"Wait, we did defeat it?"
"Yeah. It was the thing that made the crater...."
"Oh, thank God. I thought we were the one responsible for the crater."
"...when it fell after we defeated it."
"...oh."



"Alrighty, sliding down into where we can never ever ever climb up again, because this is da final dungeon!"
"Wait, what?! SECOND THOUGHTS!"



"Juuuust kidding."
"You jerk! Also, how?"
"Well, let me just grab this save crystal here...."
"What the heck is even a save crystal?"
"It's a crystal that lets us place our own save point, duh!"
"Yes, but what is a save point?"
"You ask too many questions."
"Maybe, but that wasn't the answer to my question."



"Besides, see here? We can just walk back to the ship from here."
"Really? Then what was the point of the slidey thing?"
"You ask too many questions."
"Well, maybe I will stop when you decide to answer them!"



"Goliath, nooooo!"
"I think that looks more like Brooklyn myself."
"Nah, that's definitely Lexington."
"No way, man. Lexington had wings that were part of his arms, bat style."
"You guys are such nerds."
"Oh, shaddup."



"Everything is 'Cosmo' something with you, huh?"
"Of course. I'm a son of Cosmo canyon. We gotta protect that trademark, or we lose it."
"Yeah. Then we'll have weird orb-footed grandfathers with magical star system attics in every city."



"I just levelled all."
"Yeah? Well, I just gave birth to Odin."
"And I discovered a new fetish: mpreg and ass babies."
"AUGH! TIFA!"
"I think I just won this one."



"Speaking of assbabies; what's that thing glowing down there?"
"Now I really don't want to dive into that thing."
"And boy, do I regret my new fetish. Way to ruin my assbaby fun, you assholes."
"Yeah, well, I've learned to nip those in the bud before they... uh, emerge."
"By turning them into poopie jokes?"
"Beware the brown turtle."
"CLOUD, EWWW!"



"Oh, no, a Dark Dragon. Do we have to ask Vincent for advice on how to fight this?"
"How does it plan on hurting us? By reading wanky poetry and reminding us how much its life hurts?"
"Yes, yes, I'm a goth and that's the oldest goth joke in the book."
"Well... OK, fair enough. You aren't reading us poetry, I'll give you that."
"Hey, I'm totally not.... uh.... never mind."
"All that aside, there's only one way to fight a dragon."



"Well, I can definitely not see my hometown from here, much less my house."
"You don't have a house."
"Well, it's not mine in a legal sense, but hey, gooooooo pedantics!"
"Don't you mean 'Goooooo planet!'?"
"No. No, I don't."



"Wait! Is it...."
"Is it a plane? Is it a bird? It's...."
"It's a three-winged angel."



"Or six-winged. But who keeps count beyond two?"
"Bahamut Zero my foot. This is Bahamut Poser."



"And boy, did it take badly to being called that."
"Honestly, that's weirdly pinpoint for a dragon that size. I'm surprised it didn't just shoot straight through the planet."



"This guy seems eager to cut to the chase."
"He has claws, not scissors. Honestly, I should sue him for false advertising."
"He seems rather adept at cutting through all the red tape of legal proceedings, though."
"Grrr. I bet he has the judge in his pocket too."
"Um... I don't think its backstory is that complicated."
"No, no. After going through a bitter divorce and losing the custody battle their son, little Rhoomba, he went through a phase of alcoholism before signing up for a government program that ended up taking advantage of him by turning him into the monster we see before us."
".....I could totally see Shinra doing that."
"I know, right?"



"I don't want to think too hard about how attacking someone will give me more HP, but... 'press X to jump'? I thought I did that with my legs."
"No, silly, you use a finger to press X."
"Yes, ha ha. But you jump with your legs. I thought the master of jumping would at least know this."
"Master of jumping?"
"Don't ask."



"That is the most adorable thing I've seen so far, but I fear that thing more than any other enemy. Well... except maybe that underwater weapon thing. And that thing hiding away in the desert."
"Yeah, just look at that knife. How many times has a poor fool been shanked unaware with it?"
"Its cuteness lures you in, and then BAM... knife to the gut."



"We're getting to the source here."
"Power to the people!"
"Right on!"
"Guard to the people."
"That... sounds a bit ominous, to be honest."



"Hero drink? That sounds rather exclusionary."
"That, or the best snake oil scam ever."
"The life of a hero is just one mouthful away."
"Let's... not take that thought any further."

"I concur. In fact, I am full of regret after a statement like that."
"Let us hope no PR companies overheard this conversation. Because you better believe they would use that, fully knowing how we'd interpret it."



"Yes, well.... maybe you should ask yourself 'Do you want to materia forever'?"
"Yes. I mean... what kind of question is that even? Of course I would."
"Ask a silly question, I guess."
"Cause we are li-ving in a materia world, and I am a mate-ria giiiirl....."
"All that, and she sings too."



"Well, I doubt any job we ever do in the future is going to size up to 'solve the giant meteor hanging over our heads', so... yeah, big job."
"Ya gonna hold the life of the whole world in yo hands, you better have some big hands."
"Let's hear it for Mr. Humblebrag."
"Who even replaced one of his BIIIIG HAAAANDS with a gun."
"Hey, Shinra was the one who shot off my original big hand to begin with."
"Yes, that was our bad, but you chose to replace it with a gun. There are robot hands, you know. They do get produced."
"But I can't shoot people with that."
"You could if said hand was holding a gun! Seriously, mounting a gun on your arm is just overdoing it on making a statement about your general value of life."
"Are you two done? Because we've got places to be and people to kill... so we can save this world."



"Well, time for sore butts again."
"Hah. Do your worst. I've been training my butt extensively for situations like this."
"Stop being weird!"
"Well, she didn't take the bait this time, so..."
"What was that?"
"Oh, nothing."



"Oh, dayum. This be pretty. Ominous, but pretty."
"Where even the light fears to tread."
"What the... Vincent, get back to your group."
"That's what they all say."
"Well, do you think you can refrain from complaining about your past or martyr yourself, at least until all of this is over?"
"How could you expect me to-..."
"No?! Then bye bye, Vinnie, my lad."
"Good lord, I have a hard time believing you used to be a Turk. Even Elena was much more dignified than this."
"You wound me, my lady."
"I am not your lady, and not wounding you is a gigantic challenge in itself, because you're a huge martyr about everything."



"Go down or not go down, that is the question."
"Why is one of the choices 'don't do it!', as if we're part of some PR video about the dangers of drinking?"
"Well... unlike drinking, we kind of have to do this. So why we're given an option not to, I have no idea."



"We have received a Mystile."
"Sounds vaguely pretentious. What is it?"
"Armor."
"...of course."



"We're fighting what?!"
"How do you even... salting pollen just seems like the most counter-productive and redundant thing you could ever do."
"You gotta be pretty salty to do anything like that."
"......"
"What?!"



"These are some morbid interior decorations."
"I call it... 'Decay'."
"How about 'the Laws of Nature'?"
"I honestly don't know which one sounds the most morbid."



"We're in luck."
"And speaking of the whole snake oil thing; how about a lucky rabbit's foot? Just one million gil."
"I will jump in a lake of green fire if it doesn't solve all your problems."



"Well, it is a small world after all."
"Shouldn't the center of this planet be a molten core, though?"
"There you go with your realism and stuff again. We have the lifestream and the ancients and whatnot, but noooo, that's not good enough for Mr. Science. Hah, molten planet core. Next ya gonna tell me that alcohol in moderation isn't really all that dangerous."



"Wait, wait, wait. My reality matrix just broke down. 'Not so bad'?!"
"Yes. What's so weird about that?"
"The way you've been going on since we found you? Everything."
"Just keep at it. They'll get used to it after a while."
"I'm not sure I can do that."
"Yes, you can. I mean... I managed to go to space, which helped, but trust me: looking at their dumbfounded expressions are so worth it in the long run."
"Well, we wouldn't be so dumbfounded about it if you hadn't stuck to your initial personalities so hard, until the big change."



"Well, I just thought you old-timers would appreciate some of that old man lingo from them whippersnappers."
"Uh.... no."
"Well... granted, as old guys go, you are in a league of your own. It's not all old guys who invite people to ride their rocket."
"Why y'all gotta make this sound so homoerotic?"
"And why wasn't I invited on this ride?"
"Whoa! Tifa, you OK?"
"That basterd is doing this on purpose."
"Basterd?"
"Yes, he's not a bastard, he's a basterd. I don't know what that even means, but it sounds about right."



"Like a lone sailor against the raging torrent of seamen."
"I have to admit I thought it was funny at first, but now you're just being mean."
"You're a mean one, Mr. Cloud."
"No, seriously, Tifa. You OK?"
"If this burns in, I'm going to have to rethink my boyfriend material standards."



"Party of three, huh? Isn't that always the way?"
"Who will be the third wheel?"
"Good question. Oh, and your mad blush has calmed down too."
"Hooraaaaay."
"We are eight people too. Sure hope we won't be forced to make three groups for anything. It's going to be quite depressing for the two that end up being a group of... well, two."
"Well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."



"......."
"What?!"
"Still haven't gotten used to that."
"Oh, come on!"



"And of course he'd choose the woman and the cat."
"Well, they are childhood friends. Sort of."
" 'Sort of' indeed, from what I heard."



"And just as you thought it couldn't get any worse: dragon zombies!"
"Yeah, I mean... dragons are already intimidating by being slow and lumbering because they can afford to, but this...."
"Shoot it in the head."
"Erm... none of us have guns."
"Well, punch and slice it in the head, then."
"You don't have to tell us that twice."
"......"



"A rock in the darkness."
"The weight of a thousand souls."
"You guys are starting to sound like our resident sad man."
"Well, he's not THAT sad anymore, is he?"
"He sure isn't."
"We're jumping on floating rocks in the planet core, fighting zombie dragons, yet that is the weirdest thing I've had to experience."



"What?"
"What?!"
"Whatwhatwhat?!"
"I have questions."
"Many questions."
"But there's only one question mark."
"It's a big one, though."
"It should be able to cover all of our questions."



"Can I have some cheeseballs?"
"......"
"...sorry. I couldn't think of anything else."
"THE CHOICE HAS BEEN MADE!"
"What?!"



"Jenova Cheeseball?"
"She's completely nuts."
"Let's crack that hard exterior and get to the crunchable insides."
"Augh! Why would you even....?"



"No, no, no. It's Jenova Cheeseball."
"She'll be a hard nut to crack, I think?"
"Let's just slap her in her tentacles and see what happens."



"You know, of all the things I have never wanted to see with boobs, this has got to be number one."
"Boobs, nuts and tentacles. If there ever was an unholy trinity, this is seriously it."



"Well, that was... unpleasant."
"And I'm all out of ball jokes."
"Something good came out of all this, then."



"Um.... this is one of those 'this can't be good' situations, isn't it?"
"That reality is unraveling before our very eyes? Naaaaah."
"Maybe we should just take the brick elevator back up."



"Oh. Well... I guess that didn't turn out to be an option."
"Wait, wait, wait. This... this is one of those Warner Bros moments, isn't it?"
"And realisation will hit in 5.... 4.... 3...."


"Oh dear. Out of the frying meteor pan and into the underground planet core fire. This surely, positively, absolutely can't be good news for anyone involved, right?"



"I AM TRIPPING BALLS RIGHT NOW!"
"I REGRET NOTHING!"
"SAVE US, STARCHILD!"
"I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."
"This isn't the best time, HAL!"


To be continued....

[northlander]

Chapter 35: The end.




"I expected.... something less.... sinister-looking.... than this."



"Will I ever.... be able to... speak a whole... sentence without... these annoying pauses."
"But how would we.... ever impress upon... the severity of this.... situation if we......"
"........."
".............."
"..................."
"........................weren't?"



"Wait, did you all jump into the green goo?"
"Well, um...."
"We didn't exactly jump into anything. We went platform-hopping like the rest of you."
"Did you fight anything good on the way?"
"Don't ask."



"Guys, can you... can you possibly make this sound even more homoerotic?"
"I'm stiff as a board."
"We're his for the taking."
"I'm... I'm not into human beings. I'm really not. So why do I...."
"Yes, yes. This is all so ha ha funny."



"My name is not Cloud Cloud."
"I know. I was just... never mind."



"Everything is shining! What a shining moment."
"Are you guys.... y' know, all limber and stuff now?"
"Uh.... yeah."
"Sephiroth's not gonna rearend me!"
"Ciiiiiiiiid."



"Yes, Cloud is here with us."
"....."
"Wait, I'm Cloud."
"...thank you for that."



"GOOOOOO PLANET!"
"Yes, it's the prayer of a few people and everyone. Now eat our memories!"
"......"
"Wait, I take that back. Please don't eat our memories."
"This will be a moment for the ages, clearly."



"Yeah, sure. Your plan to make us all stiff fails, so you'll just twist the world instead. You're a sore loser, Sephy, ol' chap."



"And the first stage of Sephiroth is.... Walrus Man."
"Look, it's got an upper body on top of its head. I say it's Matryoshka Man."
"You do know that 'Matryoshka' means 'little Matron', right?"
"Yeah, that just makes it more hilarious."
"Jeez. Anyway, Cloud, you still with us?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't catch any of that. I was distracted by the magnificent glowy codpiece."



"Nah, I'm not worried. Tifa?"
"Eh, I'm sure they're fine."
"Yeah, they're also probably laughing their asses off right now."
"Oh, come on! I look magnificent."
"You sure do."
"...you're a bunch of assholes, you know that?"
"Says the asshole who wants to crash a meteor into the planet so he can lap up the magical lifestream powers."
"Hey, I'm the victim here."



"Is it weird that I'm worried about the others after I divebombed Walrusiroth's crotch?"
"....yes. Yes it is."
"Boy, does that make me feel all green."
"That's just the poison speaking."



"I am NOT touching that. Meteorain it is."
"There's something very wrong with this conversation, but I can't quite put my finger on it."
"You wanna take a poke at it, Cloud?"
"I'll take a stab at it, thank you very much."



"Walrusiroth is dead. Huzzah."
"He died as he lived, flopping around helplessly."



"Oh, for... what's happening now?"
"Wait, is that....?"



*snrk* "OH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
"What are you laughing at?"
"Oh... oh... did you think your Walrusiroth form wasn't ridiculous enough, so you had to upstage it?"
"I have a hankering for chicken wings for some reason.
"Don't worry. I'll put up a barrier against the massive stupidity."
"Oh, come on!"



"Well, I am whipping out the knights on this one."
"The Whipping Knights. That sounds... rather kinky."
"Aeris has really been a bad influence on you. You used to be so... normal."
"......"
"Well... mostly."







"And here comes the finale."
"Where King Arthur flashes ol' Chickenroth."
"I think I preferred Walrusroth, to be honest."
"......"
"Erm... I mean...."



"Even Arthur's full frontal nudity couldn't defeat Chickenroth?"
"May I present to you... my demise."
"I wish I could tell everyone what happened down here, but...."
"So yeah, first Sephiroth changed into this huge codpiece-wearing walrus, but that wasn't the worst of it...."
"Please... just... stop."



"Well... time to blow."
"Byebye, one-handed angel."
"That's one-winged angel. Don't make this sound worse than it really is."
"You're portraying some serious mommy issues, you want to self-righteously bomb the planet with a meteor because you identified with a race of people whose last member you killed, and you're worried about your image now?!"
"Yeeeeessss....."



"And he's gone."
"Straight up Heaven's cornhole."
"Indeed. Thanks for that mental image, by the way."
"Any time."
"Any time indeed. Like... how would we even explain this period of time in words?"
"How about 'here, at the end of all things'."
"Yeah. Where we totally rect 'um."
"Ass we all do."
"Guys, seriously...."
"Neverending cooooornhooooole...."
"NO! NO CORRUPTED EARWORMS ALLOWED!"
"Iiiiii've haaaad the ass of all tiiiiime."
"Could you please stop. Please please please please."
"Oh, fine!"
"Don't you take that indignant tone with me after all you've done."



"Yes, we've killed Sephiroth. Clearly the rest is out of our hands."
"We've removed the lifestream buttplug. Now the rest is up to the planet. GO PLANET!"
"These have been trying times, to be sure."
"Uh... hey, you OK, Tifa?"
"Barret, can I have some of your explosions? I need to get these songs out of my head."
"Uh..... I don't think that's gonna work."
"It will... one way or the other."
"What did you do?!"



"Oh, I did that when we were sitting in the escape pod after our amazing journey into space. Defeating Walrusroth doesn't even come close."
"Oh, right."
"Well, that was anticlimactic."
"And we were there when it happened."
"I'll refrain from asking for details if that's OK."



"Oh, come on! He dissolved into chicken wing sparkles. What's left of him to plug up the planet now?"
"....."
"Please don't answer that."



"He's... the laughing buttplug."
"Cloud!"
"One winged walrusman buttplugroth."
"Cloud!!!"



"I can see the light."
"......"
"Anyone?"



"Well, I guess it's just me. And the question of why I have to dive into this, face first. I hope that's not the floor coming up. Or if it matters, given that whatever it is, it's approaching said face at a rapid pace."



"We meet again."
"......"
"Why do we have to meet again? Wasn't defeating you twice enough?"
"Nope!"
*sigh* "Do we have to do this again?"
"Yes! I am the chosen one. I WILL NEVER LOSE A BATTLE!"



"So, this is what it comes down to, huh? And why did it just occur to me that my sword looks like a gigantic toy?"
"Yeah, Cloud. Where did you get that sword? MacDonalds? Toys R Us?"
"Well, whatever. Eat my ultimate attack that I just have now, even though I was too lazy to get it at the Golden Saucer."
"You what?"




"AND NOW YOU SHALL PLUG NO MORE! At least not your own existence."
"Daaaaamn yyyyyooouuuuuuu."



*cough* "It's just a fleshwound."
"You what? I cut off all your wing-legs. And stabbed you in the crotch at some point."
"Come on, you pansy."
"This is the time you fall down."



"I'm cracking up!"
"Why are you filled with light?"
"How the hell should I knoooooooow?!"



"I've already been in the lifestream once, but I don't remember it looking like this."
"......"
"Wait, is this.... ewwww."



"Er.... wait, now it's a pillar of light?"



"Wait, wait, wait. Tifa, did you just reach your hand into the light? How does that even..."
"Cloud, stop trying to bring logic into this. We're in a different place in a different zone. We can get away with anything now."
"Oh, fine. Just pull me out of this nonsense already."



"Ah, crap, I knew the mirror said 'things are not as close as they may look', but I didn't think the distance was that much greater."
"Stretch, Cloud. Stretch!"
"I'm... I'm not Plastic Man, Tifa."



"It says 'thanks for the effort, dingbats'."
"That's so rude."
"Nah, I was just kidding. What it really said was 'GET OUT!'."
"Oh."



"That's.. kind of a morbid thing to say, though, isn't it?"
"A bit, yeah."



"And also, we have to jump into the green goo."
"Even without Walrusephiroth, I'd... rather not."



"Oh. Well, gotta love questions that answer themselves."
"Heeeeey."



"Well..... relatively speaking."
"We're all sitting on ledges. I think even Shinra safety inspectors would have something to say about this."
"........"
"Pfft, yeah, right."
"I'm afraid it's the truth."



"Yeah, it's 'bout time, sucka!"
"I don't know what I find the most amazing: that we need to escape from the light rush hour, or that you keep switching between sounding like a 'black man stereotype' and a... well, a regular person."
"Oh, shaddup."



"How symbolic. That's... not Lady Luck, though. It's just a pinup model."
"And Lady Luck is just an expression of sorts. Also, it doesn't matter. We're really saved now."
"Yaaaaaay."



"So.... who put a pinup model on the aircraft anyway?"
"...um..."
"For the record, I don't really mind. It's a nice and tasteful picture. I was just curious, since I seriously doubt Shinra would do this."
"I know. I just don't know who it is, specifically, except most likely one of the lads."
"I wouldn't put it past Scarlet, though."
"I... don't even want to think about what Scarlet would call this ship."
"....the lads it is."
"I don't want to interrupt your fascinating discussion, but... we're about to blow up here. Maybe move?"
"What'choo talkin' 'bout, sucka?"



"Oh."
"We all on board here?"
"Hol' on for a sec. Cloud is one, Tifa makes two, Red is three... uh..."
"He's counting us!"
"I wonder if anyone will get this reference."



"Hey, I can't keep track of y 'all with the ship shaking like this."
"C'mon, man. Give my boys a break. They're flying this ship in the middle of a huge explosion made up of light. A lightsplosion, if you will."



"THIS AIN'T HELPIIIIIIIIIING!"
"Wow, I'm having a deja vu moment here."
"Me too."
"Me three."
"Ah, the reverse count. How apropos."



"Man, this waiting room sucks. There's gotta be something more exciting to do outside."



"Oh, is it morning already?"



"....on second thought, waiting room is fine. I'm sure I can find a magazine or something."



"This is... not good, right?"
"What does this have to do with meteor anyway? 'Meteor' isn't the same as 'floaty hurricane tentacles orb'."
"We shall file... a complaint for false advertising."



"On second thought, the waiting room is so boring, seeing the city getting destroyed is more entertaining."
"That's my girl."



"Oh, that's... probably not good. Especially since we shouldn't even be able to see Midgar from here, due to the mountain getting in the way!"



"I feel like I'm being watched."
"Then take the ring off, Frodo."
"Don't you lock me into the most overused joke ever!"
"I just want to hear you say 'my precious'. Is that too much to ask."
"Well.... don't make things weird now."



"Au contraire, Barret. It has already happened. It's a little too late to save anyone now."



"Well, poo on you and your sensible precautions."
"That's good, then."
"In your face, holy."
"Um... but.... Holy was supposed to help us release the lifestream to...."
"Oh! Well... poopie to that, then."



"Um.... that's not what 'opposite effect' means."
"And how can I forget a city I've never been in?"
"OK, fine! What I just said made no sense. Never mind."



"Oh, no. Holy seems to be trying to protect the planet. That's having the opposite effect."
"OK, OK, jeez. Make one presumptuous comment..."



"I can't make out a thing down there. What's going on?"
"Looks pretty barren, doesn't it?"
"Oh, Holy... have you failed us again?"
"You're never going to let me hear the end of this, are you?"
"One day, Nanaki. One day we will."
"Yaaaaay.



"Look. It's the lifestream."
"The planet is bleeding out lifestream. We're safe."
"Oh, sure. And somehow, the stuff I say makes no sense."



"I wonder if Shinra is thinking of how much profit is going to waste by it just bleeding out like that without them being able to turn it into electricity."
"Well... who's left to worry about that? We defeated Heidegger and Scarlet, and Professor Hojo died from his own stupidity with some minor help from us, and Rufus's fate is a bit up in the air."
"Well, the Turks are sort of on standby, but I doubt they really care much. But yes, Shinra is very much in shambles right now, so... gotta save everything I can here."



"Yes, it's... definitely on the way."
"......"
"Any second now."
"........"
"SOMETHING HAPPEN, ALREADY! I'm so bored."



"Whoa, doggy, look at that lifestream go."
"Do a barrel roll."
"......."
"Or a corkscrew. That works too."



"Wait, is... is the lifestream repairing the meteor?"
"I was right! Holy IS working in the opposite way it intended."
"Well, I hope you'll forgive me if I didn't want you to be right about that."



"Well... this is escalating quickly."
"Wait, is... the lifestream just... absorbing the whole meteor into the planet? I have to say I didn't see that one coming."
"Well... I think it's safe to say that meteor is surrounded."



"Well, I think my work here is done."



"Enough said, I guess? Because what is five hundred years between friends, even if you wouldn't expect most of the party members to remain alive after all that time."



"Dad, where are we going?"
"Are we there yet?"
"Oh, you'll see in a second. And yes, we're almost there."



"We have to climb another mountain? Seriously, dad."
"We don't have to, but the view is definitely better up here."
"Um... OK. We live on the top floor at home, so I guess there might be something to that, but.... why are we over here? You didn't tell us anything when you drug us along on this long hike."



"Well, we're here, so you can stop complaining. Just go over to the ledge and take a look."
"Well... OK. At least it beats the many journeys through that cave to see our petrified grandpa."
"I AM NANAKI, SON OF SETO!"
"Good job, brother. Here he goes again."
"Sorreeeee."

"And what is this amazing sight that awaits our new generation of red kitties? What has been going down for the last five hundred years or so, and more importantly, where do we go from here?"




"Um.... OK, so... it's a city."
"It's got a lot of greenery too. Our own hometown is much too dry and arid for that."
"It's kind of nice, I guess."
"It sure is. And if you kids could only have seen what it looked like...."
"We have. There's such a thing as 'pictures', dad. And movies. Get with the times, man."
"Well, color me surprised. Given what the city looked like, you'd think everyone would've wanted to sweep that under the rug as fast as they possibly could."
"But... dad, what happened to all the others? I mean.... you told us Aeris died during your journey, but everyone else survived, right? Did Cloud make it OK? What happened to Tifa? Did the two get together or not?"
"Yeah, and what about Cid? Did he go back to his hometown and build another rocket? Did he eventually marry his very patient assistant? Or at least treat her better?"
"And did Yuffie go back to her home? That's on a completely different island too, right? And what about Cait? Or Reeves? How did they handle Shinra business or just the city after everything had blown up around them?"
"Jeez, kids today. We won. We defeated Sephiroth and the lifestream took care of everything else. What more would you need to know than that."
"Closure, dad. Really, ending a story with 'and then we won. The end!' is just maddening. And we can't even visit them anymore either. Why would anyone be happy with an abrupt and vague story ending like that?"
"Why would anyone? Well, that's because this is...."



"....and nobody ever gets to complain. End of story."
"Bah, humbug!"
*sigh* "OK, fine! Have some CG movies, a crapload of side story games and oh, maybe you darn kids today would like a complete story remake too?"
"Yes, please! And don't take forever about it!"


THE END!

[skylark]

*claps* Well done old bean. Well done.