Scrubs Parody: My Finest Hour

[Solana]

(Lark is grunting while carrying Zero over his shoulder into the hospital. He sets him down and promptly collapses.)

Lark- All the way from the parking lot! I told you I could do it without the Rune of Strength! Who's the idiot now? Ow....

(Cuts to Zero pushing Lark in a wheelchair.)

Despite my burning thighs, giving Zero that piggyback ride was worth it, because I'm sure it put him in a great mood.

Zero- I am in the worst mood.

Why did I do it?! (Slaps his thigh and grimaces.)

Zero- Serano's got this new stupid outreach program where families are allowed to watch surgeries. Yesterday, I had to do a bypass on this guy (points to a room with a guy in bed surrounded by his family). You should have seen that family.

(Cuts to the family watching Zero's every movement in the OR from behind a glass window.)

Zero (voiceover)- Standing there, motionless, judging me.

(Cuts back to Zero pushing Skylark in the chair.)

Zero- And today, I get to do a colectomy on THAT guy! (Points to another guy surrounded by his family.)

Lark (checks his watch) Oh, my God, I was supposed to be downstairs ten minutes ago to give a talk to my premed students about what it's like to be a doctor!

Zero (starting to run)- Don't worry, I gotcha! (Approaches a staircase.) Buckle up, buddy!

Skylark-

(Cuts to the med students waiting below. Cheers and whoops can be heard from the staircase.)

Lark (voiceover)- Yee haw!

(Somehow, they make it unharmed to the bottom.)

Zero- Hell yeah!

Lark (standing up and looking professional)- Okay, kids, I'm Dr. Tsukoyamo. I'm sure you have lots of questions, so let's get started. (Smashes into the classroom door.)

(It cuts to Lark pacing in the classroom, students watching attentatively.)

Lark- So, basically, the topical application consists of equal parts phenylamine and phenyl trimethicone. I suggest applying it twice a day, (demonstrates the proper application technique on his hair,) for maximum hold. Here's a sample tube, Nash, excellent query. (Tosses one to Nash, who has unusually messy hair.) Okay, then, anybody else? Nash again?

Nash (his hair back in its normal cowlick)- What was your finest hour in medicine?

Lark- I'd say my finest hour was probably my second year, New Year's Eve. A young, pregnant woman could barely make it into the hospital, and had her baby right there on the ramp.

(It cuts to a woman in a wheelchair, a small soft bundle in her lap, and surrounded by medical staff. The song 'What the World Needs Now' starts playing as Lark fusses over the baby, then straightens up. Althena's watching and approaches.)

Althena- You know, that's my worshipper's first child. Did you deliver her?

Lark- No, I didn't, but I did watch. And I am a doctor. And you look amazing.

(Cuts back to Lark in the classroom.)

Lark- So even though Dr. Darknight had actually delivered the kid, yours truly rang in the New Year with a goddess.

(The students stare blankly.)

Lark- We had a nightcap. (Does a victory dance.) That's how I do it.

(Cuts to Solana giving Lark a disgusted look in the cafeteria.)

Solana- THAT was your best moment?

Zero- I totally get it. (Puts his arm around Kiyone.) Older ladies know how to work it!

Kiyone (chuckling evilly and pushing off Zero's arm)- Okay, see now you're in a bit of a pickle, because the older lady you're talking about had better not be me, and it sure as hell better not be somebody else. So, what do you have to say?

Zero (looks away and back)- Your favorite jeans are too tight and they look ridiculous.

Kiyone- What?!

Zero- Well, I'm in trouble anyway, and it needed to be said!

Kiyone- Unfortunately for you, that's just not true. Right? (Everyone looks at the ceiling.)

Zero- Ha!

Kiyone- Wow...

Kyle- I'll tell you what my finest hour in medicine was.

(It cuts to the OR, a heart monitor beeping perilously.)

Ronfar- Dammit, we lost him! Call it!

Kyle- I'm not giving up on this guy. Prop his hand up.

Alis- What?

Kyle- I said 'prop his hand up'!

(Alis obeys, and Kyle blows on his hand before giving his patient a high five. The heart monitor starts beeping regularly again.)

(Cuts back to Kyle nodding proudly, Roas and Azreal looking dubious in the background.)

Kyle- That's right. The miracle five.

Azreal- You take this one, Roas.

Roas- Great moment there, dumbass. It starts off with a profound misunderstanding of how the human body works, then ends with you shattering that old man's hand.

Kyle- Aw, yeah.

Lark- You know what would be really neat? If you guys all took a second and thought about what your finest hour in medicine was.

(Everyone stares at him for a moment before taking off.)

Lark (looking forlorn)- It would've been neat...

(Cuts to main theme, then a doctor pushing Legus in a wheelchair.)

There's nothing sadder than a guy checking into the hospital during the holidays. I think I'll tell Solana that.

Lark- There's nothing sadder than a guy checking into the hospital during the holidays.

(A younger version of Nexus appears behind them, holding an ice cream cone.)

Nexus- Hi. That's my dad.

Solana- Except that.

(The ice cream drops from the cone onto the floor.)

Solana- And that.

(Cuts to Legus in a hospital bed, Nexus sitting nearby.)

Legus- I've just been so tired lately. Yesterday, when the little man and I were wrestling, he dropped me in ten seconds.

(Kiyone frowns thoughtfully.)

Nexus- I got him with a power kick. (Pretends to elbow slam Legus.)

(Lark walks in with an ice cream cone in his hand.)

Kiyone- Hey, you brought Nexus a new ice cream cone!

Lark- Sure... (Hands it over.)

Nexus- Thanks.

Lark- It's a waffle cone. So, Legus, it turns out you've got a serious case of mono.

Legus- Don't you get that from kissing?

(Lark looks off to the side, and it cuts to a frat party filled with couples making out. Lark is sitting on the couch, bobbing his head to the music. A girl previously engaged in tonsil hockey with the guy next to her leans over to Lark and sneezes on him before returning to the 'game'.)

Lark- There are other ways you can catch it. (Roas enters.) Dr. Atrades-

Roas- Hold that thought, newbie. One, two, three, (points to himself) four. My new thing is to count just exactly how many people in any given room can kick your ass, and in here, the number is four.

Kiyone- Five if you count the Sea Hag.

(Creepy music starts playing as it shows a very old woman with a water cane glaring at Lark through the window.)

Kiyone- The other day, she went off her meds and slammed him with a cafeteria tray.

Lark (closing the blinds)- She came out of nowhere!

Legus- Am I going to get out of here in time for X-mas? I'd really hate to ship Nexus back to Tiraz-leen all by himself.

Lark- You'll beat Santa home, I promise.

Roas (snapping and gesturing for Skylark to follow him)- Mia.

(They leave the room.)

Roas- What the hell was that in there?

Lark- I... (the Sea Hag appears behind the window again, glaring at him as the creepy music plays again.) That's one more point for the Sea Hag. But let's see how she enjoys her beloved hard candy without...(displays a set of dentures) her choppers.

Roas- Newbie, you never promise a patient that they're going to be fine!

Lark- Legus? His blood pressure's a little low, but he just has mono.

Roas- Oh, for God's sake, newbie, take a look around please. What's the difference between your Legus and every other patient in this ICU? Since I'm not in the mood to make some dramatic sweeping statement, I'll just tell you this- God hates doctors. He truly does. You see all these people in here? Any of them would give almost anything to be able to sashay off Lunar. But most of them are going to stay, and they're going to live forever and ever and ever. But as for Legus, think about it- it's the holidays, there's a sweet little kid involved, can't you just feel it?

I did feel it. And I knew what Kiyone was going to say before she said it.

Kiyone- Legus is unconscious.

Roas- Newbie, let's go.

(Cuts to Solana doing some paperwork at a desk.)

Think of your finest hour in medicine.

(Cuts to Solana pushing a patient in a wheelchair.)

Patient- Thanks for taking care of me, ma'am. If there is ever any way I can hook you up, you just call me at work.

Solana- Oh, don't worry about it. So, what do you do?

Patient- I run a dolphin rescue center.

Solana- Dolphins... ;D

(Cuts to Solana giving the patient a hand in feeding half a dozen dolphin calves.)

(Cuts to Kiyone joining her with Nexus in tow.)

Kiyone- Hey, Solana, would you keep an eye on Nexus here while we take care of his dad?

Solana- Hi! (Takes Kiyone and pulls her aside.) Yeah, I'm not great with kids. They have such tiny hands, it's creepy.

Kiyone- I'm leaving now.

(Solana turns to Nexus and laughs nervously.)

Nexus- My dad's in the ICU. What does that mean?

Solana- Well, Nexus, that stands for 'intensive care unit'. That's where we put our patients that need extra care, like someone who may need help breathing because their lung collapsed, or maybe they had a brain aneurysm, which is basically when a vessel ruptures and blood pours out of the- (notices Nexus just staring at her.) You know what? Forget it. Do you want to go see someone who's worse off than your dad? We call him the head in the bed!

Nexus (holding out his hand as more creepy music plays)- Okay.

Solana- (She steels herself and takes it.)

(Cuts to Legus asleep in bed with an oxygen mask on. Skylark is flipping through his chart, then leaves to join Roas outside.)

Lark- His cultures are back, and he's not septic.

Roas- Let's put him on dopamine.

Lark- Already done.

Roas- Then let's get his head scanned.

Lark- Got it ordered.

Roas- I'd definitely give the Sea Hag's teeth back.

Lark (pulling them out from under his shirt on a chain)- That I will not do!

(Roas groans and walks off.)

Kiyone- Hey, Lark, turns out that Legus doesn't have insurance. Dr. Serano said once he's stable, we have to bounce him to county. Sorry.

(She leaves, and Zero comes up to the desk.)

Lark- Zero! Hey, if you could go talk to Serano for me, I'll give you this special X-mas gum.

Okay, this is actually the Sea Hag's medicated denture gum, so you have to sell it with your eyes. Sell it, sell it...

Zero (takes it)- Okay.

(Cuts to Azreal sitting at his desk, smiling dreamily with a coffee mug advertising Dover Nuts in his hands.)

Think of your finest hour in medicine.

(Cuts to a Caribbean scene, steel drum music playing in the background and a banner advertising 'Dover Nuts- Making Life a Better Place to Live' hanging up. Azreal is wearing a tropical shirt with his arms around Sireen and a fully healthy Elara.)

Azreal- And they say I can't do it all on my own? (The Pure Bloods all laugh.)

Waiter- Excuse me, sir, a man just fainted over there! Are you a doctor?

Azreal- Not this weekend, son. Another Bahama Mama, please! Easy on the Bahama, heavy on the Mama! (He winks at Sireen and starts laughing again.)

(Cuts to Azreal still laughing at his desk as Zero enters.)

Zero- Dr. Serano, I know you told Kiyone to bounce Legus to the county, but it's X-mas, so what do you say?

Azreal- I'd say get a double-TZ for him!

Zero- What's that?

Azreal- That's a tough-titties-Zero!

(Cuts to a disgusted Zero leaving, then trying a piece of the 'X-mas' gum. He makes a face and lets it fall out of his mouth onto the floor.)

(Music signaling doom plays, as Techno approaches the gum and scrapes it up soundlessly. Then it cuts to Solana and Nexus sitting in a waiting area.)

Solana- So, uh, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Nexus- A Legendary Warrior.

Solana- Yeah, well, I wanted to be a dancer when I was little, but according to my mom, six-year-olds who can't hold onto a cane for two seconds aren't dancer-material. But the joke's on her, because I'm currently waiting to hear back from Meribia's community theater for a veil-dance in 'Salyan Rose'.

Nexus- Can I have some chocolate milk?

Solana (digging in her pocket for change)- Here's some silver. There's a vending machine just outside that door.

(Rune approaches with a clipboard.)

Rune- Dr. Kesai, could you sign this for me, please?

Solana- Sure! So, what are you doing this weekend, Rune?

Rune- Minding my own business. How about you?

Solana- Hopefully dancing the crap out of Meribia's auditorium!

Rune (dryly)- Yippee.

(Cuts to Kiyone reading a patient's chart.)

Think of your finest hour in medicine.

(Cuts to Vathos spilling coffee all over himself.)

Vathos- Crap...

Kiyone- A little club soda will take that right out.

Vathos- Thank you, Kiyone.

Kiyone- (blushing icon) You're welcome, Doctor Ironfist.

(Cuts back to Kiyone looking dreamily into space, then Roas whistles at her.)

Roas- Kiyone, what's going on up there?

Kiyone- I'm sorry, I was just thinking about the last time that a doctor actually listened to me. Sometimes I-

Roas- Did you get the results for the scan?

Lark- They came back negative. I feel like we're missing something in his patient history.

Kiyone- When he came in, Legus said that he and his son had been wrestling and goofing around.

Roas (snapping)- Oh, my God, he just might have goof-around-itis.

Lark- We should also check him for the silly-willies.

(They both leave, evidently not impressed, and Kiyone frowns a little. The camera turns to show Techno mopping, and he gives out a long whistle.)

Kiyone- It's okay, they're just stressed out.

Techno- Anytime a doctor disrespects me, I respond with a little note.

(Cuts to Techno outside, chewing gum. He then takes it out of his mouth and sets it on the windshield of Zero's Rustbucket spaceship, spelling out 'Gum Goes In The Trash!' completely in gum.)

Techno (looks in the emptied bag of candy)- Worth it. >

[Solana]

(Cuts to an aggravated Roas checking over Legus.)

Roas- Are you swanning this guy?!

Lark- I really don't need you checking up on me every five seconds, okay? I'm a doctor, and I have as much medical expertise as anyone in this place.

(Roas glares at him and checks the heart monitor.)

Lark (reading his chart)- Now what exactly is 'swanning'?

Roas- What?!

Lark- I'm kidding. Now, enough with the backseat doctoring. I got this.

Why does it seem that every time I take a stand, everything turns to crap?

(Solana comes in, looking worried.)

Solana- I gave that kid some money and sent him outside the hospital, and now I can't find him.

Lark- I'm sorry, what?

Zero (joining Solana)- Serano said that with no insurance, we have to stabilize the guy and then bounce him.

Lark- You've got to be kidding me...

Roas- I'll tell you what, in about ten more minutes, none of this is going to matter, because this guy's circling the drain!

Lark (sighing)- Why are you sick?

(Cuts to Lark and Roas are going over Legus' chart.)

I can't figure this out. I should try stress-dosed steroids. I think I'll tell Dr. Atrades that.

Lark- I can't figure this out. Maybe if we tried stress-dosed steroids-

Roas- Or maybe we could fill a syringe with false promises and inject him with that. (Flips in the chart.) Hmm, says here you've already got that covered.

Lark- You know, you can discourage me all you want, because seraphs fly highest against the wind.

Roas (raising his eyebrows)- What?

Lark- I'm a seraph! A big, beautiful seraph! I fly! You know what, I wonder if Legus could have received any blunt trauma without realizing it?

Kiyone- Wrestling.

(Roas and Lark stare at her.)

Kiyone- Remember? He said his kid dropped him with a power kick.

Lark- Kids can kick pretty hard. Maybe he ruptured his spleen.

Roas- Get a stat abdominal, CT. (Lark runs off.) Great catch there, Kiyone.

Kiyone- Thank you

(Cuts to Zero trying to scrape the gum off his spaceship.)

Think of your finest hour in medicine.

(Cuts to Zero in the OR, Infiniti ready to wipe his face as Ronfar holds a stopwatch.)

Infiniti- You can do this, Dr. Zero!

Zero (finishing something)- Okay! (He and Infiniti run to Ronfar, and Zero gives him a low five.) Time!

Ronfar- Well, it's official! Dr. Zero now has the fastest appendectomy in the hospital!

Zero- In your face, Dr. Beardface! >

Laike- It's pronounced Dr. Beard-FA-SAY!

(Cuts back to Zero snickering as he continues working on the gum. Lark approaches.)

Lark- What the hell are you doing?

Zero- I got gummed.

Lark- Turns out, Legus has a ruptured spleen. We're prepping him for surgery in room C.

Zero- That's the room where the family gets to observe. Dude, you don't understand. When I operate, I don't see a person, I see a machine with parts that need to be replaced and circuits that need to be rewired.

Lark- So, you're a robot mechanic?

Zero- As a surgeon, the more detached I am, the more focused I am. And it's pretty impossible to feel focused when this guy's family is watching every move I make!

Lark- Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Legus only came in with Nexus and Solana lost him.

Zero- Awesome!

Lark-

Zero- For me.

Lark- Oh.

(Cuts to Azreal walking on a treadmill in his office. He looks down to see Nexus staring at him.)

Nexus- Is that fun?

Azreal- No, son, it's work. This body didn't happen by accident.

Nexus- Well, you know what I think is fun? Learning how to be a warrior.

Azreal- My lieutenant Jeren enjoyed that. Not so much in learning the way of the warrior, but more being sent into combat.

Nexus (naively)- That's neat.

Azreal (deciding not to elaborate)- No, it's not.

Nexus- Maybe we can have a practice match sometime.

Azreal- I hope so, young man.

Solana (coming in)- Oh, thank God, Nexus! Sorry, Dr. Serano, this is Legus' son. (Leads Nexus into the hallway.) Come on, Nexus, I thought you were going to get some milk and be right back!

(Azreal watches, then picks up his phone.)

Azreal- Ambrienne, this is Azreal Serano. Uh, what say we juggle some things and see if we can't freeride Legus financially for a while, okay? (Pauses, then looks annoyed.) YES, this is really Azreal Serano!

(Cuts to Solana and Nexus walking through a hallway.)

Solana- Don't run off on me again, Nexus.

Nexus- I'm sorry. I got scared. When I get scared, I hide. I know it's stupid.

Solana- It's not stupid. Want to know where I hid when I used to get scared? This closet right here. And the one on the second floor. Oh, and there's this broken MRI machine down in the basement. It's like my own private cocoon.

Nexus- You really got scared?

Solana- Yeah. Everybody does here at first. Check this out. (Opens the door to reveal a crying Negative.)

Nexus- Cool.

Solana- Hang in there, Negative.

Negative- In med school, they never teach you how to deal with death. (Solana slams the door in his face.)

Solana- Negative will be stronger if he gets through this on his own.

Nexus- So, how did you stop being scared?

Solana (shrugging)- I just realized that people here need me to be brave. Just like your dad needs you to be brave during his operation.

Nexus- Can I hold his hand?

Solana- They're not actually very big on that.

Nexus- Can I at least watch?

Solana- Are you sure?

(Nexus nods, and Negative's sobs can be heard.)

Solana- Get it together, Negative!

Negative (from behind the door)- I'm trying...

(It cuts to the OR. Zero checks the glass window, sees no one there, then turns back to his assistants.)

Zero- All right, let's do this!

(A rapping sound is heard, and Zero turns around to see Nexus waving with Solana standing next to him.)

Zero- Come on!

(It cuts to Roas working on a clipboard.)

Think of your finest hour in medicine.

(It cuts to Roas trying to make a shot with crumpled paper into a basket, and missing for about the eighth time. A man starts choking, and Roas rushes over to help him out.)

Roas- Come on. (Gets him in the Heimlich.) Here we go.

(Roas performs the manuever, and a piece of gum flies out of the man's mouth to land into the open mouth of a dozing woman. She wakes up and starts to choke. Roas rushes to her and does the same.)

Roas- Here we go!

(The piece of gum flies out of her mouth, rides the rim of the hoop over the basket and lands.)

Roas- WOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!! Let's see anyone else make THAT shot! Huh?! Choke on that, Kobe!!!!

(It cuts back to Roas with the clipboard, still savoring the glory.)

Roas- Kiyone! Have you, uh, seen Newbie?

Kiyone- Oh, he got off your leash?

Roas (laughs)- Give me a break, the kid's like a... like a... have you ever seen a drunk baby?

(Kiyone stares at him.)

Roas- It's a long story involving my son, one of Anon's rum cakes, and a low counter. As it turns out, at first it's endearing to watch them bounce off of the walls, but then you take your eyes off of him for one second and- (slams the counter) bam! They've got a bucket on their head and they're plowing right through your brand-new big screen TV. God save me, it was barely out of the box.

(Kiyone turns away.)

Roas- The point is, Newbie is my drunk baby.

Kiyone- He figured out that spleen thing, maybe you should get off his case.

Roas- I would love to get off his case. In fact, nothing would make me happier than to watch him walk into a patient's room and not expect me to run in after him and check up on him.

Kiyone- You want to know what I think?

Roas- No.

Kiyone- I think you know how good a doctor Lark is, and whether you admit it or not, you have a great personal stake in his future. So don't pretend for one second that all of this attention you throw at him is just for him, because it's also for you. As your friend, I'm telling you that if you want him to keep growing you've got to back off on him once in a while.

(Roas opens his mouth to try and get a word in, but fails utterly.)

Kiyone- And don't say that because you know I'm right and my jeans DO look good.

(Roas scowls as she leaves, then spots a Santa hat and puts it on his own head.)

Roas- God, I hate X-mas. I really do.

(It cuts back to Solana and Nexus in the viewing area in the OR as Zero approaches.)

Zero- Uh, Solana, can I talk to you in private?

Solana (speaking in Atlantean)- Do you speak Atlantean?

Zero- You know, I do remember you saying some things in it back at the Shrine.

Solana (in Atlantean)- I really think it would make Nexus feel better if he could watch, OK?

Zero (also in Atlantean)- It's a... bad idea... to touch jellyfish.

Solana (normally)- What?

Zero (in Atlantean)- Grapefruit!

Nexus- Can I please stay?

Zero (sighing)- Yeah, kid, you can stay.

Nexus- Dr. Zero? Thanks.

(Zero gives him a thumbs-up, then gets to work on Legus.)

(It cuts to a clock, then the hallway it's hanging up in and everyone looking worried.)

None of us wanted to say what we were thinking. How vulnerable we felt. So we all just stood around, pretended to work until someone came through that door to tell us how this was going to end.

(The OR doors fly open, and Zero leads the way out with Solana and Nexus walking by Legus' bed that's being pushed by Vathos.)

Zero (raising his arms in triumph)- Who's the man?

('Joy to the World' starts playing.)

Lark- Okay, we still have a lot of work to do. Zero, why don't you go get post-op films in radiology? Kiyone, why don't you get the results on his hemoglobin? And Solana, why don't you take Nexus and get us all ice cream?

(Everyone disperses, and Nexus gives Azreal a high five on the way out.)

Lark- I'm going to go check on him, do you want to come?

Roas- No. No, you've got it.

It's amazing how one patient can affect so many people.

(It cuts to another classroom of med students.)

Wing- Dr. Tsukoyamo, what was your finest hour in medicine?

Lark- My finest hour...well, there was this guy...

(It cuts to Solana and Techno having coffee by Techno's van.)

Solana-...and he had the most amazing little kid...

(Cuts to Kiyone and Rune at the nurses' station.)

Kiyone-...and the doctors actually listened to me...

(Cuts to Zero and Kyle in the OR.)

Zero-...and I knocked the surgery right out of the park...

(Cuts to Azreal back on his treadmill.)

Azreal-...and I decided to pull some strings for the guy...

(Cuts to Roas in a bar.)

Roas-...and honest to God, I would've have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself, but Newbie handled the whole thing, wire to wire...

(Cuts to Legus with his arm around Nexus, leaving the hospital.)

...and I kept my promise, because the two of them got home in time for X-mas...

(Cuts back to Lark talking to the students.)

Lark-...and that was my finest hour in medicine.