Post by skylark on May 8, 2009 11:39:21 GMT -5
HOSPITAL HALL
Lark is walking through, the camera showing his perspective as he passes various staffers.
Everyone here thinks they know me inside and out.
Sae: You look like you could use some help.
Lark: Nope.
Even random people.
Kazyr: You need help, Dr. Tsukoyamo?
Lark: No thanks, Dr...whatever your name is.
They won't leave me alone.
Ghaleon: Free help, here.
Lark: Piss off, Mickhead.
You'd think by now they'd know where I'm gonna end up.
I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION
Roas is there, with Rune behind the desk, and we're put back to audience perspective.
Lark: Roas? I could use a little help.
Roas: Beyoncé, you could use a lot of help. But, hey, we all have to play the hand the Big Girl dealt us. You know, unless you're lucky enough to have those insanely over-hyped 'Queer Eye' guys show up at your door, but I doubt even they have the brass ones necessary to fix whatever the hell this is.
He gestures at Lark's hair.
Lark: Yeah, if you wanna use the appearance angle to knock down my self-esteem, best to do it on a day when my hair doesn't look awesome! I know -- it's new wax.
Rune: What is?
Lark: It's okay to want a piece!
Roas yawns. Lark presents a chart to him.
Lark: I just want you to check out Mrs. Barlow's chart; I'm always second-guessing myself when it comes to interstitial lung diseases.
Roas: Oh, then you should definitely handle this yourself, there, Britney. I'm going with female pop stars today. The point is that back when I was a resident, I had all sorts of trouble with metabolic diseases. You know what I did? I grabbed every case I could get my hands on until I had it down pat.
Lark: Got it. ...You really had trouble with metabolic diseases?
Roas: Noo.... I'm a good doctor.
Lark: Oh.
Roas: [handing the chart back] Here you go.
O.R.
Ronfar watches over Zero's shoulder as he intently views the monitor displaying his surgical work.
Zero: [doing either a German or Russian accent...or Hannibal Lector...] Oh, hello, Mr. Gallbladder. Don't you get too comfy next to Mr. Liver. Because here comes Dr. Zero's robot laser. [makes laser sounds]
Ronfar: Hey, Catellena. I could do without the color commentary.
Zero: Why it gotta be a "color commentary"? 'Cause soul energy's purple? Just kiddin'.
HALL
Ronfar, Zero, and Kyle are exiting the scrub room after the surgery.
Ronfar: That was a near-perfect laparoscopic cholecystectomy!
Zero shrugs modestly.
Ronfar: Have you been working on your dexterity?
Zero: Well, I've been playing a little John Madden Football on my X-Box....
Kyle: I'd like to play John Madden Football...on _her_ x-box.
Zero: On who, Kyle? There are no women here.
Kyle: Well, it's still funny!
Ronfar: The Kyle here used to be our number one lap-chole guy. But the torch [pats Zero's shoulder] has been passed.
Zero: Thank you, sir!
He spots Lark down the hall.
Zero: Dude! Yo, wait till you hear this!
He runs to catch up with Lark
Zero: Dr. Ronfar just said that I'm their number one lap-chole guy now!
Kyle frowns and sighs.
Ronfar: Disappointed?
Kyle: I shoulda waited till there was a chick around to make that "x-box" joke, you know?
Ronfar gives him a look and leaves.
Kyle: [to self] He knows....
===
FIRST FLOOR HALL
Lark and Zero are walking through.
I was excited for Zero. And, Goddess bless him, he was excited about my big hair news!
Zero: New wax did that?
Lark: I couldn't believe it either!
Around the corner come Kiyone and Solana, involved in their own conversation.
Kiyone: New wax did that?
Solana: I couldn't believe it either!
Kiyone: Oh.
Finally the four meet.
Kiyone: Ye--oh, sorry about the girl talk.
Lark: Oh, that's fine. We were talking man talk...you know....
Zero: Really big trucks...
Lark: Solo-Flex...
Zero: [flexing muscles] Have you seen these lately?
Lark: Sweat.
Kiyone: [sniffing Lark] Your hair smells like Solana's.
Lark: Well, your breath smells like tempura!
He and Zero go off.
Kiyone: [to Solana] Is that racist?
Solana: That depends. Did you have tempura for breakfast?
Kiyone: Maybe....
They follow after Lark and Zero.
ADMISSIONS
Several of the staff are gathered around.
I think what Kiyone really smelled was all the excitement in the air. See, there's a visiting professor coming today who's both a medical attending and a surgeon. _Two_ specialties, and to us that kinda makes him...
Heraldic music plays as the doc, Darknight (as we'll soon be reminded over and over), enters the front doors, hands on hips in a heroic pose, cape flapping in an imaginary wind.
...Super-Doc!
Darknight mutters under his breath as he goes over a thought, turns and walks back out.
The music plays again, and he re-enters, striking the same pose.
...Super-Doc...
Darknight: [under breath] Dammit!
He turns and again leaves.
One more time, music, enter, pose, but no dramatic narration from Lark
...Fine. A super-doc with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Darknight: Okay, okay. How hard can it be for me to step in here, left foot first and simultaneously exhale as my right foot plants? How hard?
Zero: Not that hard?
Darknight: Exactly! ...bandana-headed guy. [sniffs] Whose hair smells like lilacs?
Kiyone: [pointing at Solana] Hers.
Solana grins.
Kiyone: [pointing at Lark] And his.
Lark: Huh?
Darknight: [to Solana] That's very pretty. [to Lark] And deeply disturbing.
Lark: [to Zero] The jar said unisex.
Zero: I know.
Lark: _Unisex_.
Zero: I know.
Lark: [under breath] Dammit!
=== OPENING THEME ===
ADMISSIONS
Kiyone stands by as Darknight fills out some forms. Lark is in the background watching.
Darknight: [as he writes] Dr. Darknight.... Dr. Darknight.... You know, at my hospital, they don't make you sign forms if you wanna cut open sick people -- you just have to bring your own...knifey thingie....
Kiyone: "Scalpel".
Darknight: That's the word! [writing again] Dr. Darknight....
Kiyone: Why do you keep saying your name?
Darknight: Oh, it just keeps me from losing my, uh...jinkies later, thinking I forgot something.
Kiyone: [laughing graciously] Okay....
She starts to take the forms away, but he steals the chance to sign a few more times.
Darknight: Dr. Darknight.... Dr. Darknight.
She giggles again and goes off. Lark approaches.
Darknight: It's okay, you can say it.
Lark: [whispering] It's just that you're...you're a doctor with pretty severe OCD.
Darknight: It's not a secret.
Lark: [still whispering] I know. I always talk like this.
Darknight: You're gonna have a hard time keeping that up the whole month I'm here.
Lark: [still whispering] I can do it!
Darknight: [whispering] I believe in you!
Roas arrives.
Roas: Darknight? Holy cow, get outta Dodge! Te-tell me this, are you--are ya shaking hands nowadays?
Darknight: [steeling himself] Well, a lifetime of therapy...and a...whole lotta Zoloft...just so I can appropriately greet you, big guy!
He holds out his hand, and Roas grasps it.
Roas: Atta boy!
Darknight: I do have a two-second limit.
Roas: Boy, who doesn't!
They pull their hands away and each wipe their palms on their clothing.
Roas: You realize I haven't laid eyes on you since we were residents together? And I'll tell you this, big man-o, I always knew I'd see ya again.
He laughs.
HALL -- A BIT LATER
Lark and Roas are walking through.
Roas: Boy, I never thought I'd see that guy again! I mean, he had to drop out of our residency class because of the God-awful severity of his condition!
Lark: I can't imagine you as a resident.
***FANTASY: HOSPITAL HALL
A younger, bleach-blond, hoop-earring'd Roas approaches some of his fellow residents.
Resident: Hey, Roasy!
Roas: Shut up, jackass! [combing hair] I rock!
***
Lark: Was the blond hair and the earring 'cause you were in a rock band or 'cause you loved pirates?
Roas: What?
Loved pirates! Just like me!
I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION
Rune is behind the desk.
Rune: I _don't_ want a piece.
Lark: Well you're the only one. Okay? Dr. Atradas, I'm'unna take you out for a beer tonight. I want to hear all the stories about what my mentor was like as a newbie.
Roas: Look, Pink, for the billionth time, no, I will not go out for a beer with you. Now repeat after me: Dr. Atradas, you are not now, nor will you ever be, my mentor.
Lark: [reluctantly obliging] Dr. Atradas, you are not now, nor will you ever be, my mentor.
Roas: [pumping fists] YES!
===
ROOF
Darrell the Lawyer stands nearby, hands clutched over his ears, as Azreal blows an air horn and screams "Hyah! Hyah!" towards the parking lot below. A flock of birds scatters.
Azreal: That oughtta keep those damn crows from crapping on my car all the time.
Darrell: I doubt they'll be back, sir. You know, unless someone who comes up here every day, trying to find the courage the jump, passes the time by throwing birdseed on your car's hood.
Azreal: Stop babbling, Darrell. No one's ever listening. Oh, by the way, the Larpan gentlemen that haul our medical waste away called, and said if we don't stop putting our regular trash in with the medical loads, they're gonna charge us double.
Techno and the karate midget from "My Rule of Thumb", now dressed in a custodian's uniform, arrive on the roof.
Techno: My new associate Randall and I can get rid of that garbage for you.
Azreal: What the hell are you two doing here?
Techno: We come up here on our breaks to wrestle.
Randall: And drink beer.
Techno: Only the winner drinks beer.
Randall belches.
Azreal: How much to make the garbage go away?
Techno: Say...twenty silver a month?
Randall slaps him in the knee.
Techno: Twenty-three silver a month?
Azreal: Deal!
During this negotiation, Darrell took the opportunity to brush some birdseed off the ledge of the building down to the parking lot below.
Darrell: Sir, those darn birds are back.
He puts his hands over his ears again as Azreal runs back toward the ledge, screaming and blowing his horn.
===
PRIVATE PATIENT'S ROOM
Darknight and Lark are at the bed of the patient.
Darknight: [signing the chart] Dr. Darknight....
I have to say it was amazing watching Dr. Darknight work.
Darknight: All right, Carol, let's just put it out there -- [wipes a spot off the window] -- you've got Lupus. But instead of dwelling on the negative, let's look at the positive signs, okay? Your, uh, pericarditis is resolving, your renal function is good--
Suddenly there's the sound of Azreal's air horn, and a disoriented bird crashes into the window, spooking Lark, who shrieks and drops to the ground. Darknight is unfazed.
Darknight: --Suicidal scavenger birds also an excellent sign, right Doctor?
Lark: It's a great sign.
Darknight: Okie-dokie, artichokie.
He leaves.
NURSES' STATION
Darknight drops his clipboard onto the desk. Lark catches up with him.
Lark: You are unflappable!
Darknight: It's true -- I can't be flapped.
Lark: I'm more skittish.
Darknight: Yeah, you know, you're like a big squirrel.
Lark: I wish a was a swashbuckling doctor. You know...like a pirate.
Enough about pirates! Wait until you know him better.
A couple of orderlies wheel an empty gurney through.
Darknight: [stopping them] Ahoy, there.
He hops on the gurney, and Lark follows suit. The orderlies push them down the hall.
Lark: You going to the, uh... O.Arrr? Heh.
I said enough!
Darknight: You know, I couldn't have survived in medicine if I didn't embrace my OCD. And since I was compulsive anyway, you know, I--I read the same text books over and over, I, uh, I went through the procedures over and over, I imagined every worst-case scenario over and over and over and over and over and over and over--
Lark: Darknight.
Darknight: --and over and over and over--
Lark: Darknight!
Darknight: Dr. Darknight.
Lark: Oh.
Darknight: Thank you.
Lark: Yeah.
Darknight: Even though my crazy brain made me do those things, it's still the best advice I can give to any young doctor: Expect the unexpected and you will never be surprised.
It's weird, after one day it already felt like he was the type of mentor I always wished Dr. Atradas would be. Still, I've gotta stay cool; I know I'm prone to hero worship.
The gurney stops, and the two hop off.
Darknight: Man, the surgeon in me is antsy. [cracks knuckles] I need to cut somebody up.
***FANTASY:
O.R. Darknight stands behind Lark, draped in a sterile cloth, with his head shaved and obviously open in the back.
Darknight: Thanks for volunteering. I'm not really that strong on the brain. [prods Lark's head] I think this is the language center.
Lark: Really? 'Cause I don't feel the--[tongue lolling out]--daaaaaaaiiiiiioooooooowwww...heh-heh-how cool is thaaaat!
Darknight: [moving his instrument] And this is the foreign language center.
Lark: Impossible ! Je ne parle Français !
Subtitle: Impossible! I don't speak French!
Darknight: [prodding another area] The cow says...
Lark: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Darknight: [and another] The sheep says...
Lark: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Darknight: [and another] Ladies and gentlemen, Macaulay Culkin...
Lark reflexively slaps his hands over his face.
***
Lark: [lost in thought] The French would help with the ladies....
===
CAFETERIA
Zero and Solana are at a table having lunch. Zero stops blowing bubbles in his drink to call to Ronfar as he passes.
Zero: Dr. Ronfar! Can I ask you a question? Was my time on the lap-chole even faster than yours?
Ronfar: Yes, it was.
Zero: Because some of the guys were saying I totally kicked your ass and I wanted them to shut up, you know if it wasn't true, but since it is, I'll just let it go.
Ronfar, slightly offended, goes on. Zero laughs cockily until he notices Solana's disbelieving look.
Zero: What?
Solana: If there is one thing I've learned at this hospital, it's that you should never antagonize your boss...or the people that make the food, because either way you end up eating poo. Hear it, learn it, live it. Huh?
Zero: Solana, I can do whatever I want. Because these...[holds up hands]...are magic!
She starts to go back to her lunch, but Zero thrusts his hands in her face again.
Zero: [louder] These? Are gonna take me wherever I wanna go in life.
She tries again, and again she gets hands.
Zero: [louder still] Thanks to these! I'm king of the world, baby! Can you feel it!? Gimme your pudding!!
Startled, she hands over the cup, which he snatches from her.
Zero: Domo arigato!
AZREAL'S TABLE
Techno and Randall arrive.
Techno: Pay up.
Azreal: Already?
Techno: You can look around all you want, you won't find any garbage! Let's see them twenty-three squids!
Azreal digs out his cash and hands over the silver, which Techno passes to Randall to count.
Randall: [weighing the bag] It's all here.
Azreal: So, come on, what'd you do with all the garbage?
Techno: [leaning close] That's not part of the deal.
He stands up again and turns to his associate.
Techno: Randall. You, me, on the roof, winner takes all.
Randall: You never learn, do you?
Techno: Jam'on.
===
I.C.U. -- PATIENT'S ROOM
Roas and Kiyone are tending to the patient.
Roas: You know, Kiyone, I gotta say your--your makeup today does not in any way make you look like a desperate bowling alley prostitute.
Kiyone: What's with the sweet talk?
Roas: Oh, maybe Darknight being here is making me regress. I mean, you realize that back when I was a resident, I was a kind lad.
Kiyone: You get out.
Roas: I know. But soon enough I established myself as the best damn doctor that ever roamed around these filthy halls; which is a curse, actually, because now I'm expected to make eye contact with every insult to medicine that comes into this dump.
Lark arrives, waving some x-ray films.
Lark: Here's that CT scan you ordered!
Roas: [looking Lark in the face] Thank. You.
Eye contact! He respects me!
Roas: [viewing the films] What the hell!? He's anemic and he has bone fractures, yet there's no sign of leukemia.
Kiyone: Don't tell me The Great One is stumped!
Roas: No. It's just that this is not exactly the kind of thing that you stick your head in on and
figure out.
Darknight sticks his head in the door.
Darknight: He's got Gaucher's disease.
Roas: I beg your pardon?
Darknight: I took the liberty of testing his blood for deficiency of beta-glucosidase.
Roas: Ohhh! I just sent out for one of those!
Kiyone: No you didn't!
Roas: Uh-shh!
Darknight: Well, you know, I--I mean, I never would've have figured it out if you hadn't done the grunt work. You know, it's like a jar of pickles: you loosened the lid and -- pop! -- I took it off.
Roas stares daggers at Darknight as he signs the chart.
Darknight: Dr. Darknight....
He looks up at the evil stare, and goofily taps his pen shut on his forehead.
Darknight: See ya.
Lark is walking through, the camera showing his perspective as he passes various staffers.
Everyone here thinks they know me inside and out.
Sae: You look like you could use some help.
Lark: Nope.
Even random people.
Kazyr: You need help, Dr. Tsukoyamo?
Lark: No thanks, Dr...whatever your name is.
They won't leave me alone.
Ghaleon: Free help, here.
Lark: Piss off, Mickhead.
You'd think by now they'd know where I'm gonna end up.
I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION
Roas is there, with Rune behind the desk, and we're put back to audience perspective.
Lark: Roas? I could use a little help.
Roas: Beyoncé, you could use a lot of help. But, hey, we all have to play the hand the Big Girl dealt us. You know, unless you're lucky enough to have those insanely over-hyped 'Queer Eye' guys show up at your door, but I doubt even they have the brass ones necessary to fix whatever the hell this is.
He gestures at Lark's hair.
Lark: Yeah, if you wanna use the appearance angle to knock down my self-esteem, best to do it on a day when my hair doesn't look awesome! I know -- it's new wax.
Rune: What is?
Lark: It's okay to want a piece!
Roas yawns. Lark presents a chart to him.
Lark: I just want you to check out Mrs. Barlow's chart; I'm always second-guessing myself when it comes to interstitial lung diseases.
Roas: Oh, then you should definitely handle this yourself, there, Britney. I'm going with female pop stars today. The point is that back when I was a resident, I had all sorts of trouble with metabolic diseases. You know what I did? I grabbed every case I could get my hands on until I had it down pat.
Lark: Got it. ...You really had trouble with metabolic diseases?
Roas: Noo.... I'm a good doctor.
Lark: Oh.
Roas: [handing the chart back] Here you go.
O.R.
Ronfar watches over Zero's shoulder as he intently views the monitor displaying his surgical work.
Zero: [doing either a German or Russian accent...or Hannibal Lector...] Oh, hello, Mr. Gallbladder. Don't you get too comfy next to Mr. Liver. Because here comes Dr. Zero's robot laser. [makes laser sounds]
Ronfar: Hey, Catellena. I could do without the color commentary.
Zero: Why it gotta be a "color commentary"? 'Cause soul energy's purple? Just kiddin'.
HALL
Ronfar, Zero, and Kyle are exiting the scrub room after the surgery.
Ronfar: That was a near-perfect laparoscopic cholecystectomy!
Zero shrugs modestly.
Ronfar: Have you been working on your dexterity?
Zero: Well, I've been playing a little John Madden Football on my X-Box....
Kyle: I'd like to play John Madden Football...on _her_ x-box.
Zero: On who, Kyle? There are no women here.
Kyle: Well, it's still funny!
Ronfar: The Kyle here used to be our number one lap-chole guy. But the torch [pats Zero's shoulder] has been passed.
Zero: Thank you, sir!
He spots Lark down the hall.
Zero: Dude! Yo, wait till you hear this!
He runs to catch up with Lark
Zero: Dr. Ronfar just said that I'm their number one lap-chole guy now!
Kyle frowns and sighs.
Ronfar: Disappointed?
Kyle: I shoulda waited till there was a chick around to make that "x-box" joke, you know?
Ronfar gives him a look and leaves.
Kyle: [to self] He knows....
===
FIRST FLOOR HALL
Lark and Zero are walking through.
I was excited for Zero. And, Goddess bless him, he was excited about my big hair news!
Zero: New wax did that?
Lark: I couldn't believe it either!
Around the corner come Kiyone and Solana, involved in their own conversation.
Kiyone: New wax did that?
Solana: I couldn't believe it either!
Kiyone: Oh.
Finally the four meet.
Kiyone: Ye--oh, sorry about the girl talk.
Lark: Oh, that's fine. We were talking man talk...you know....
Zero: Really big trucks...
Lark: Solo-Flex...
Zero: [flexing muscles] Have you seen these lately?
Lark: Sweat.
Kiyone: [sniffing Lark] Your hair smells like Solana's.
Lark: Well, your breath smells like tempura!
He and Zero go off.
Kiyone: [to Solana] Is that racist?
Solana: That depends. Did you have tempura for breakfast?
Kiyone: Maybe....
They follow after Lark and Zero.
ADMISSIONS
Several of the staff are gathered around.
I think what Kiyone really smelled was all the excitement in the air. See, there's a visiting professor coming today who's both a medical attending and a surgeon. _Two_ specialties, and to us that kinda makes him...
Heraldic music plays as the doc, Darknight (as we'll soon be reminded over and over), enters the front doors, hands on hips in a heroic pose, cape flapping in an imaginary wind.
...Super-Doc!
Darknight mutters under his breath as he goes over a thought, turns and walks back out.
The music plays again, and he re-enters, striking the same pose.
...Super-Doc...
Darknight: [under breath] Dammit!
He turns and again leaves.
One more time, music, enter, pose, but no dramatic narration from Lark
...Fine. A super-doc with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Darknight: Okay, okay. How hard can it be for me to step in here, left foot first and simultaneously exhale as my right foot plants? How hard?
Zero: Not that hard?
Darknight: Exactly! ...bandana-headed guy. [sniffs] Whose hair smells like lilacs?
Kiyone: [pointing at Solana] Hers.
Solana grins.
Kiyone: [pointing at Lark] And his.
Lark: Huh?
Darknight: [to Solana] That's very pretty. [to Lark] And deeply disturbing.
Lark: [to Zero] The jar said unisex.
Zero: I know.
Lark: _Unisex_.
Zero: I know.
Lark: [under breath] Dammit!
=== OPENING THEME ===
ADMISSIONS
Kiyone stands by as Darknight fills out some forms. Lark is in the background watching.
Darknight: [as he writes] Dr. Darknight.... Dr. Darknight.... You know, at my hospital, they don't make you sign forms if you wanna cut open sick people -- you just have to bring your own...knifey thingie....
Kiyone: "Scalpel".
Darknight: That's the word! [writing again] Dr. Darknight....
Kiyone: Why do you keep saying your name?
Darknight: Oh, it just keeps me from losing my, uh...jinkies later, thinking I forgot something.
Kiyone: [laughing graciously] Okay....
She starts to take the forms away, but he steals the chance to sign a few more times.
Darknight: Dr. Darknight.... Dr. Darknight.
She giggles again and goes off. Lark approaches.
Darknight: It's okay, you can say it.
Lark: [whispering] It's just that you're...you're a doctor with pretty severe OCD.
Darknight: It's not a secret.
Lark: [still whispering] I know. I always talk like this.
Darknight: You're gonna have a hard time keeping that up the whole month I'm here.
Lark: [still whispering] I can do it!
Darknight: [whispering] I believe in you!
Roas arrives.
Roas: Darknight? Holy cow, get outta Dodge! Te-tell me this, are you--are ya shaking hands nowadays?
Darknight: [steeling himself] Well, a lifetime of therapy...and a...whole lotta Zoloft...just so I can appropriately greet you, big guy!
He holds out his hand, and Roas grasps it.
Roas: Atta boy!
Darknight: I do have a two-second limit.
Roas: Boy, who doesn't!
They pull their hands away and each wipe their palms on their clothing.
Roas: You realize I haven't laid eyes on you since we were residents together? And I'll tell you this, big man-o, I always knew I'd see ya again.
He laughs.
HALL -- A BIT LATER
Lark and Roas are walking through.
Roas: Boy, I never thought I'd see that guy again! I mean, he had to drop out of our residency class because of the God-awful severity of his condition!
Lark: I can't imagine you as a resident.
***FANTASY: HOSPITAL HALL
A younger, bleach-blond, hoop-earring'd Roas approaches some of his fellow residents.
Resident: Hey, Roasy!
Roas: Shut up, jackass! [combing hair] I rock!
***
Lark: Was the blond hair and the earring 'cause you were in a rock band or 'cause you loved pirates?
Roas: What?
Loved pirates! Just like me!
I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION
Rune is behind the desk.
Rune: I _don't_ want a piece.
Lark: Well you're the only one. Okay? Dr. Atradas, I'm'unna take you out for a beer tonight. I want to hear all the stories about what my mentor was like as a newbie.
Roas: Look, Pink, for the billionth time, no, I will not go out for a beer with you. Now repeat after me: Dr. Atradas, you are not now, nor will you ever be, my mentor.
Lark: [reluctantly obliging] Dr. Atradas, you are not now, nor will you ever be, my mentor.
Roas: [pumping fists] YES!
===
ROOF
Darrell the Lawyer stands nearby, hands clutched over his ears, as Azreal blows an air horn and screams "Hyah! Hyah!" towards the parking lot below. A flock of birds scatters.
Azreal: That oughtta keep those damn crows from crapping on my car all the time.
Darrell: I doubt they'll be back, sir. You know, unless someone who comes up here every day, trying to find the courage the jump, passes the time by throwing birdseed on your car's hood.
Azreal: Stop babbling, Darrell. No one's ever listening. Oh, by the way, the Larpan gentlemen that haul our medical waste away called, and said if we don't stop putting our regular trash in with the medical loads, they're gonna charge us double.
Techno and the karate midget from "My Rule of Thumb", now dressed in a custodian's uniform, arrive on the roof.
Techno: My new associate Randall and I can get rid of that garbage for you.
Azreal: What the hell are you two doing here?
Techno: We come up here on our breaks to wrestle.
Randall: And drink beer.
Techno: Only the winner drinks beer.
Randall belches.
Azreal: How much to make the garbage go away?
Techno: Say...twenty silver a month?
Randall slaps him in the knee.
Techno: Twenty-three silver a month?
Azreal: Deal!
During this negotiation, Darrell took the opportunity to brush some birdseed off the ledge of the building down to the parking lot below.
Darrell: Sir, those darn birds are back.
He puts his hands over his ears again as Azreal runs back toward the ledge, screaming and blowing his horn.
===
PRIVATE PATIENT'S ROOM
Darknight and Lark are at the bed of the patient.
Darknight: [signing the chart] Dr. Darknight....
I have to say it was amazing watching Dr. Darknight work.
Darknight: All right, Carol, let's just put it out there -- [wipes a spot off the window] -- you've got Lupus. But instead of dwelling on the negative, let's look at the positive signs, okay? Your, uh, pericarditis is resolving, your renal function is good--
Suddenly there's the sound of Azreal's air horn, and a disoriented bird crashes into the window, spooking Lark, who shrieks and drops to the ground. Darknight is unfazed.
Darknight: --Suicidal scavenger birds also an excellent sign, right Doctor?
Lark: It's a great sign.
Darknight: Okie-dokie, artichokie.
He leaves.
NURSES' STATION
Darknight drops his clipboard onto the desk. Lark catches up with him.
Lark: You are unflappable!
Darknight: It's true -- I can't be flapped.
Lark: I'm more skittish.
Darknight: Yeah, you know, you're like a big squirrel.
Lark: I wish a was a swashbuckling doctor. You know...like a pirate.
Enough about pirates! Wait until you know him better.
A couple of orderlies wheel an empty gurney through.
Darknight: [stopping them] Ahoy, there.
He hops on the gurney, and Lark follows suit. The orderlies push them down the hall.
Lark: You going to the, uh... O.Arrr? Heh.
I said enough!
Darknight: You know, I couldn't have survived in medicine if I didn't embrace my OCD. And since I was compulsive anyway, you know, I--I read the same text books over and over, I, uh, I went through the procedures over and over, I imagined every worst-case scenario over and over and over and over and over and over and over--
Lark: Darknight.
Darknight: --and over and over and over--
Lark: Darknight!
Darknight: Dr. Darknight.
Lark: Oh.
Darknight: Thank you.
Lark: Yeah.
Darknight: Even though my crazy brain made me do those things, it's still the best advice I can give to any young doctor: Expect the unexpected and you will never be surprised.
It's weird, after one day it already felt like he was the type of mentor I always wished Dr. Atradas would be. Still, I've gotta stay cool; I know I'm prone to hero worship.
The gurney stops, and the two hop off.
Darknight: Man, the surgeon in me is antsy. [cracks knuckles] I need to cut somebody up.
***FANTASY:
O.R. Darknight stands behind Lark, draped in a sterile cloth, with his head shaved and obviously open in the back.
Darknight: Thanks for volunteering. I'm not really that strong on the brain. [prods Lark's head] I think this is the language center.
Lark: Really? 'Cause I don't feel the--[tongue lolling out]--daaaaaaaiiiiiioooooooowwww...heh-heh-how cool is thaaaat!
Darknight: [moving his instrument] And this is the foreign language center.
Lark: Impossible ! Je ne parle Français !
Subtitle: Impossible! I don't speak French!
Darknight: [prodding another area] The cow says...
Lark: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Darknight: [and another] The sheep says...
Lark: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Darknight: [and another] Ladies and gentlemen, Macaulay Culkin...
Lark reflexively slaps his hands over his face.
***
Lark: [lost in thought] The French would help with the ladies....
===
CAFETERIA
Zero and Solana are at a table having lunch. Zero stops blowing bubbles in his drink to call to Ronfar as he passes.
Zero: Dr. Ronfar! Can I ask you a question? Was my time on the lap-chole even faster than yours?
Ronfar: Yes, it was.
Zero: Because some of the guys were saying I totally kicked your ass and I wanted them to shut up, you know if it wasn't true, but since it is, I'll just let it go.
Ronfar, slightly offended, goes on. Zero laughs cockily until he notices Solana's disbelieving look.
Zero: What?
Solana: If there is one thing I've learned at this hospital, it's that you should never antagonize your boss...or the people that make the food, because either way you end up eating poo. Hear it, learn it, live it. Huh?
Zero: Solana, I can do whatever I want. Because these...[holds up hands]...are magic!
She starts to go back to her lunch, but Zero thrusts his hands in her face again.
Zero: [louder] These? Are gonna take me wherever I wanna go in life.
She tries again, and again she gets hands.
Zero: [louder still] Thanks to these! I'm king of the world, baby! Can you feel it!? Gimme your pudding!!
Startled, she hands over the cup, which he snatches from her.
Zero: Domo arigato!
AZREAL'S TABLE
Techno and Randall arrive.
Techno: Pay up.
Azreal: Already?
Techno: You can look around all you want, you won't find any garbage! Let's see them twenty-three squids!
Azreal digs out his cash and hands over the silver, which Techno passes to Randall to count.
Randall: [weighing the bag] It's all here.
Azreal: So, come on, what'd you do with all the garbage?
Techno: [leaning close] That's not part of the deal.
He stands up again and turns to his associate.
Techno: Randall. You, me, on the roof, winner takes all.
Randall: You never learn, do you?
Techno: Jam'on.
===
I.C.U. -- PATIENT'S ROOM
Roas and Kiyone are tending to the patient.
Roas: You know, Kiyone, I gotta say your--your makeup today does not in any way make you look like a desperate bowling alley prostitute.
Kiyone: What's with the sweet talk?
Roas: Oh, maybe Darknight being here is making me regress. I mean, you realize that back when I was a resident, I was a kind lad.
Kiyone: You get out.
Roas: I know. But soon enough I established myself as the best damn doctor that ever roamed around these filthy halls; which is a curse, actually, because now I'm expected to make eye contact with every insult to medicine that comes into this dump.
Lark arrives, waving some x-ray films.
Lark: Here's that CT scan you ordered!
Roas: [looking Lark in the face] Thank. You.
Eye contact! He respects me!
Roas: [viewing the films] What the hell!? He's anemic and he has bone fractures, yet there's no sign of leukemia.
Kiyone: Don't tell me The Great One is stumped!
Roas: No. It's just that this is not exactly the kind of thing that you stick your head in on and
figure out.
Darknight sticks his head in the door.
Darknight: He's got Gaucher's disease.
Roas: I beg your pardon?
Darknight: I took the liberty of testing his blood for deficiency of beta-glucosidase.
Roas: Ohhh! I just sent out for one of those!
Kiyone: No you didn't!
Roas: Uh-shh!
Darknight: Well, you know, I--I mean, I never would've have figured it out if you hadn't done the grunt work. You know, it's like a jar of pickles: you loosened the lid and -- pop! -- I took it off.
Roas stares daggers at Darknight as he signs the chart.
Darknight: Dr. Darknight....
He looks up at the evil stare, and goofily taps his pen shut on his forehead.
Darknight: See ya.