Chapter 7: Feminism hoooooo. "Aaaand we're on the road again. And
somebody's been having fun with round stones, I see."
"The kids in this neighborhood must be big on the whole arts & crafts thing."
"Yes, be very careful. It's... like, ten whole minutes on foot to the next town. If that."
"Oh dear God."
"Man, kids today. They move so fast."
"Is he going to..."
"...show her his snake. Right."
"And how?"
"I'd... do the 'snake in my pocket' joke if she hadn't been a little girl."
"You're a good guy... Guy."
"Nice play on words there, Tia."
"IT WASN'T ON PURPOSE, OK?!"
"No, that's not correct. You
apologize."
"Hmm. Selan doesn't really understand the mentality of boys, don't she?"
"That they're afraid of cooties?"
"Yeah, you keep telling yourself that."
"Wha... why would he do that?!"
"Since when did you boys ever care about your feelings?"
"I wouldn't know where to begin answering your question, Tia, but if Lemmy's father came to my parents' funeral to tell me something so utterly stupid as that, I would slap his stupid ass mouth."
"What does that... even mean... I just... screw you, lady!"
"Erk. That really IS patronizing."
"Don't worry, Tia. It's OK to teach kids stupid things."
"NO, IT'S NOT!"
"I have a headache now."
"...right."
"She's supposed to be really pretty too. We should go meet her right away."
"Except we just did. Weren't you paying attention?!"
"Can't say I did. That stupid comment about crying kind of blindsided me."
"That WAS her."
"Eh? Can't be. She wasn't really any more or less pretty than any of the other girls."
"It's a boy thing. You'll get it eventually."
"What IS this 'boy thing' you're referring to? Antagonizing girls because you like them?"
"Yep."
"Let's just... call it the experimental stage. We don't really understand ourselves at that age either."
"Why would you even think that? I thought she was kind of an asshole."
"Wow, that shut him up quick."
"Well, looks like he'll about to cry."
"Yes, not that anyone will care about his non-special tears or anything."
"I don't even know where to begin."
"So, if you need a fragile flower to protect you, how pathetic does that make
you?"
"And we're at two for two. Two sets of manly tears."
"Yeah, they were kind of hard to miss."
"I can still hear them sobbing too."
"I'm sure Selan feels she hit the jackpot with those two."
"Ahahahaha, and here I thought we could just pass through for once. Silly me."
"So, have we been into any shrines so far?"
"Don't think so. Towers, yes, and even some underground dungeons. A temple should be interesting."
"Well, let's go to the castle and meet this lady for real. Maybe she can tell us something other than how worthless our tears are."
"Oh. They're outside."
"This should be good."
"Um... or just... weird."
"She must be hopping mad."
"The fight is kind of repetitive, though. You'd think ONE of them would try to counter this."
"....."
"....."
"I guess not."
"Yes, all... one of them. And she says their skills are lacking, but chooses to end the training that's barely been going on for more than the time it took for us to make two wussies cry and then head over to the castle."
"I think they need her. Constantly."
"Um... actually, we do. Every time we meet one."
"Oh, right."
"And I'm pretty, and Jessy's pretty. EVERYONE is pretty."
"OK, OK, I get it. Point taken, Miss Humble."
"I'm sure she is. Not that the spaz-attack under the guise of 'training' gave us any indication of that fact, though."
"Kind of a backhanded compliment to Parcelyte's armies, isn't it?"
"Well, you are also the only army we've met so far, so... yeah."
"So, I guess now that you're the strongest, you'll do a whole lot of fighting and be really useful, right?"
"...."
"I guess he's stumped."
"Well, I... guess I can understand that."
"You and everyone else in this place. You're actually pretty close to the two doofuses we met in the city."
"You insult me, good Sir. I am not going to take that lying down."
"Well... at least you're not crying like a baby. You really ARE a badass, aren't you?"
"Yes, I've had SEVERAL jumping sessions with Lady Selan."
"Oh, if only. Then we wouldn't have to go there."
"I'm not sure I like where this is going."
"You're surprised that we have to go to
another dungeon?"
"It's not the dungeon that bothers me."
"Yes, you are so progressive. And proud to remind us."
"Well, uh..."
"We just heard this rumor about an amazingly beautiful woman who's also a warrior."
"I guess we forgot all about the 'no uglies in this world' mandate."
"Uh... right."
"Why not? She could use some for the armies of Parcelyte, because the ones I've met kind of suck. No offense."
"Um... that's not what she meant."
"Yes, that is my name. Well, except for the 'Sir' thing. Please knock that off, Sir King."
"Um...."
"Well... we were kind of the only people who seemed to have the ability to move more than ten steps in any direction. It was inevitable."
"Not to mention that the two people who stole said crown were a bunch of idiots who literally flushed themselves out of the whole scandal. We basically just picked up the crown and returned with it."
"Wow, your selective hearing works fast. I didn't even have the time to give my reply."
"Well, in that case, gimmegimmegimmegimmenownownownownow!"
"The answer? Noooooooooooow?"
"Look at him fidget. You are an evil man, Maxim."
"Sometimes, you just have to play the lesser of two evils. Anyway, who wants to go hunting for a treasure sword?"
"Sure. I would like to see this sword that someone made just so it could look nice. Why would anyone DO that?"
"You like swords, don't you?"
"Oh, I do.
Useful ones."
"Yyyeah, that makes sense. It would be quite rude of you to hire outsiders instead of your own chief of staff. Don't worry about it. We already have a mission we need to check into anyway."
"That's ri-.. uh, wait, you agree with me?"
"Well... yeah. Why wouldn't I?"
"Well, it's settled, then. I'll just bring a few men, and..."
"Didn't I just say that I'd... and these are three people, meaning we'll be four heads. Is your head so far up Maxim's ass that you're completely ignoring his two companions?"
"Yeesh, she's really letting her KING have it, huh?"
"Well, she IS the only useful one here. I guess the King doesn't want to lose his only dependable source of protection."
"You do know I can hear you, right?"
"What... the hell just happened? Did Selan just argue with herself?"
"I wonder if she fell into the Warner Bros counter-argument trap."
"You do know I can hear you, right?"
"Good grief, he doesn't wait for an answer, does he?"
"Story of my life. I
know he's the King, but..."
"You speak your mind? How dare you, you... you... woman."
"What's next? You want voting rights too? Equal pay? Rights?"
"Heh. Maybe I'm worrying over nothing. Looks like we'll get along just fine."
"Um... well, good to know I won't earn your respect by beating you up. That would just be several levels of wrong."
"That wasn't what I was implying, but thanks anyway."
"OUR mission."
"Yes, of course."
"It's nice to have another woman on the team, though. It was getting a little testosterone-filled."
"Ah, yes, the temple. Almost literally in the castle's back yard."
"And it's full of monsters, the kinds of which will probably not be enough to stand against four human beings."
"It looks like... a piece of candy."
"You're just hungry, aren't you?"
"Yes, but not for jello with strawberry gum filling."
"Meh, I guess I should have seen that coming."
"I don't know what you people do where you came from, but we lock our doors here in Parcelyte."
"That's nice. Do you leave the key in a chest you can reach too?"
"Of course we do. It's the proper thing."
"Hey look, it's our old friend Horny the Helmet."
"I don't think that's the same guy."
"Either way, I don't care. I'm ready for some king beating here."
"Uh... you go, girl."
"Oh my God, is that... that golem made of...."
"Oh, it's wood. Never mind."
"Another day without the Poop Giant."
"Eugh!"
"Boys."
"And the other one is a Nuborg. I guess it's made with better science."
"No wood technology here, huh?"
"Hey, look. Mr. Pink Stick brought his own team of dancers for the party."
"I know I asked for male strippers, but I didn't think they'd take it this far."
"They sure are the life of the party, though."
"I... uh... oh, damn, I can't think of anything funny to say here."
"Ha haaa!"[/Nelson laugh]
"Wow. A red AND a green chest."
"I guess if we open the wrong one first, this temple will blow up."
"Well, I sure know which one I would pick first."
"Damn it! Stupid stuff is kind of hard to get to."
"Oh, come on. It's not THAT hard."
"That's what she said."
"......"
"Um... why don't we just check what's behind that door since we got over here. The chest can wait."
"That's also what she said."
"Oh, shut up!"
"Let's see... urn goes on button, and then bomb goes on crumbling wall...."
"Wait, you're packing bombs? That you use in buildings or caves? How is it that you people are still alive?"
"Don't worry. It's only got a blast radius of two steps. Which is good, because the fuse length is six steps."
"I... yeah, not even going to go into how that doesn't make any sense."
"Eh, it's just an orc."
"Actually, it's not even that. It's an ork."
"And what's the difference?"
"It's like a bootleg version; cheaper, weaker and more easily broken."
"Yes, that is indeed a very round shield."
"Nothing more that needs to be said, huh?"
"Well, I guess we could try looting this room now."
"Brrrr. It's actually literally cold."
"It must have been put in the freezer."
"LOGIC!"
"YES! Mohaha. The chests are mine."
"....."
"Uh...."
"Don't worry. I'm not going to say it."
"Anger brace? How does that even...."
"You put it on, it makes you angry. Sounds like a great piece of equipment."
"Sure. Just put it on a berserker, toss him into a room and then come back when the noise has died down."
"Also, sword... key? Who thought combining those two items was a good idea?"
"Only Square and Disney know for sure."
"And now, the ring that makes you hunger for brains."
"Yeah. I couldn't possibly see why anyone
wouldn't put it on."
"The door has been thoroughly stabbed. We should be able to enter now."
"Oh, good. Looks like we're in for another 'flip the switches until we get what we want' moment. This'll either take a second or several."
"Or one. And some stairs. And if something exciting doesn't happen soon, I shall scream."
"Well, there you go. There's your excitement."
"Break stuff with bombs? I'm all for that."
"I love how the sign points out the obvious. The crates can be broken by bombs? I would have been very surprised if they couldn't."
"Ah, the... bridge area... thing that moves by having its crates blown up with bombs."
"Might've been the switches
under the crates, sport."
"What?! But that's not as fun."
"So it's Othello for dummies."
"With squares."
"Well, I couldn't possibly solve this brainbender. Better just give up and go home. Sorry, Selan."
"Don't give up now, you yellow bastard."
"Oh, I'll show you 'yellow'."
"Yeah, that was a lark. Let's move on."
"Well, at least this looks marginally challenging. Marginally."
"You're not gonna read the sign?"
"Nah, that'll make it more than two moves."
"Yee-haw, I'm done with that one too-.. oh, damn!"
"OK, so... move two yellow and one red. Except if I want to make them all yellow, the last stone I move must also be yellow."
"Curse you, Professor Layton."
"Yeah, because he totally existed when this temple was created."
"What? Again?"
"Man, this sword key is seeing a lot of use. Opening doors, stabbings...."
"I'm being harrassed by a clown. Can't say I saw that coming."
"Yeah, you keep wondering, bigtoe, while I stomp all over your wonders."
"And Daniele wears a lovely pink and yellow ensemble with a nice set of accessories -- juggling balls."
"Yeah, you just keep on jugglin' those balls."
"We gonna freeeeze him in his tracks."
"I'm pretty sure Daniele is a female name."
"Whatever. Consequences are the same anyway."
"Hey, you are the one who's invading my personal space."
"Well, allow me to do something about that, then."
"Didn't expect her to use teleport. On us."
"Well, whatever. Let's just go up there and take out that... uh, other guy."
"I didn't see a copy of YOU up there."
"That's not what I meant."
"Oh, God, not this again."
"Yeah, I think I can see where this is going."
"Pattern recognition in my victims? That's a first."
"I... are you being all theatrical now?"
"Yes."
"Well, in that case, OUT YOU GO!"
"...that they're wearing different colors? Pink and blue. Must be one male and one female."
"Yes! Wait, no.... that's not it."
"But why would someone split into a man and a woman? I don't think you can deal with transsexuality quite that easily."
"That's... not how it works."
"How so? I think splitting into two teams is the best way to handle this."
"That's... not what I meant."
Well, this is all fun and amusing, but if I don't get to stab something soon, I will go insane."
"Dude, calm down. Here, take the sword key. That should get you off to a good start."
"Ooohohohoh, that's better."
"You're letting me team up with the hot chick. Or... well, at least the marginally hotter than... uh..."
"...than who, Guy?"
"Uh... never mind."
"Don't worry, Guy. I don't really care who YOU think is the hotter one."
"Well, that's good. I'd hate to think my own preferences counted for nothing."
"Yes, it can. We really are fighting. GO GO GAMBLE GADGET!"
"Um... but that doesn't mean it would work this time, and.... gah, never mind. Let's just go in there."
"You ARE allowed to actively pursue him, you know."
"Hmmm... no, I'm going to continue to play mysterious and hard to get, while throwing out vague hints that I want something more than this."
"That isn't going to work, though."
"Well, that's because SHUT UP! I already said we should go."
"Whoo, big pimpin'. Sure, this sword, which is made out of gold and jewels, is completely useless, but at least it looks nice."
"Well, it was never meant to be used as a sword, so it's... fine?"
"I disagree. But whatever."
"It's a... bat rock? Did we bring any bats?"
"We didn't come here to play baseball."
"Well, they haven't invented the shark repellent spray yet, so I think a few rocks to throw at them would be useful."
"OK, joke's over. It's just a regular stone. You know, the kind you put in your pocket, and your stats increase."
"Because that sounds oh... so much more sensible."
"Yes, we are... pretty good. Soon, we might even get
very good. And then it's just a matter of a skip and a jump to 'awesome'."
"See? We're already 'great' now. Just a few minutes ago, we were all just 'pretty good'."
"We are GOING places."
"Yes, I think it's so cute that you two sound like a married couple already, but shut up!"
"Apparently, the road to being awesome is more difficult than I thought."
"You have to go get that treasure yourselves, though. I don't want to waste my servants' time with that. I mean... what do you think I pay them for?"
"To... uh, do the menial work so you don't have to?"
"Oh, right."
Another 'heroic' deed done, our heroes-on-the-rise think about what their next move should be. For once, they have no clue where they're supposed to go, even though there's only one path onwards. All they need now is a spark of inspiration. A reason to go on. "What is it now? I'm in the process of rewarding some people for doing something pointless. Terrible things can wait."
"Sexist douche AND has no sense of perspective. Why do you work for him?"
"The benefits are excellent."
To be continued....