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Post by Solana on Jan 20, 2014 9:53:04 GMT -5
As a science nerd, I am very much enjoying Lexis' commentary on the insanity. I also didn't realize until this playthrough how bad a lot of the monster translations really are. (Still an amazing game, though!)
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Post by northlander on Jan 20, 2014 15:57:17 GMT -5
I actually had a bit of a problem deciding how to play Lexis out, but now I'm thinking I'm just going to play him fairly straight; as the straight man who points out scientific ridiculousness, occasionally with a sarcastic tone. And maybe I'll let out his inner geek from time to time. (Well, I'm hesitant to use the word "geek", since I don't think it should be used lightly, or as a trend word for people who are somewhat into something -- kind of like how non-Japanese people use the word "otaku" as if it's a badge of pride when it has a very negative connotation in Japan.)
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Post by northlander on Jan 25, 2014 13:48:12 GMT -5
Chapter 20: You got some stones to mess with me, man. "With lots and lots of money." "Um... that's not the problem here." "Besides, what kind of money can HE pay off his crimes with? He doesn't seem like he's fought a single enemy in his whole life." "But more importantly; corruption. Always an option." "But more importantly; as Guy mentioned, I hope the King has the good sense to never encourage corruption like this." "I don't know about you guys, but I could do with a more optimistic scene for once." "Ohoho, well... that'll do." "There's something here he wants even more. Like... an even BIGGER gem thing." "GET A ROOM, YOU TWO!" "I'm pretty sure they already have one. Especially the Princess." "IT HAS BEGUN!" "Well, apparently, what he wants is inside the Princess's mouth." "And he's going to nab it with his tongue." "......." "......." "......." "......." "You were right, Selan. This... 'peace' did indeed last a long time." "They have to breathe sometime." "Well, you're off to a good start." "Soon, you'll get to the REALLY fun part of it all." "And that's a scientific fact.... I think." "You think?" "Well, there's always some uncertainty when it comes to science." "Well, it's just a wild stab in the dark, but.... greed?" "And whatever value 'sitting there looking pretty' might hold." "But before we move on, here's a few chests we forgot the last time we were here." "Will we ever use those dragon eggs for anything?" "Eh, maybe." "What the hell is a figgoru?" "It's a wrench. Why would we need a..." "Sweet. No tolls either? I would hate to cut into this kingdom's profits." "Eh, this place owes us. We got their Prince laid." "Oh, my. Such unladylike behavior." "Well, let's head over to the next town." "Phagh! Getting tired of this samey scenery. Even the sandy areas are getting kind of regular now." "It means we're going to have to go take a look, of course. When does it ever mean anything else?" "Define 'weird'." "It's all red and ominous." "That's not weird. That's just stereotypical." "Probably because he's a douchebag who needs to be kicked down a notch." "He'll probably be served a lot of desserts made of 'just' in the near future." "And how would you assholes know? Any of you ever been there?" "I love how these people know aaaaall about what's going on in the outside world, despite them spending all of the time rooted to one spot." "Kids! It's always about the cake with them, the little gluttons." "To maximize cake profits, get married several times." "It's the Hollywood way." "Yeah, I bet the Queen in that last town we visited shops here." "He really was whipped. Literally." "Its IP attack is probably called 'a Royal Pain in the Ass'." "But of course. Can't cheer for the main victim unless his rival is an unredeemable jerkass." "Main victim?" "Um... oops. Meant to say 'candidate'. A little slip of the tongue there." "Second thoughts about marriage? I have them." "Oh, give it a try, Guy. I'm sure it'll turn out fine." "Uwaaaaah." "Selan, dear... stop tormenting the poor idiot." "Unless you're a Princess in a fictional work. Then you usually get to marry whoever you please." "Or you're the prize to be won." "But only if you partake in the Big Princess Lottery." "Where if you don't win, they'll cut groves in your back and pour salt and pepper into it." "What kind of books are you people reading?!" "Eh, it'll never work." "GAH! YOU CYNIC!" "Thanks for sharing your vital statistics, too." "The importance is staggering." "Well, as long as you don't whip out your lame-ass titles for us all, Guy, I'm quite happy." "Or the poor slob they falcon-punched straight into the air." "Is it a light or is it a guy?" "Only science knows for sure." "How do we know there are three?" "And wouldn't that give it kind of a religious connotation?" "Not when the total is four, no." "I guess four is NOT a magic number." "Well, we have a magic tree, so why not a magic three?" "And how scientific is that?!" "Ohoho, listen to Mr. Tsundere over here." "That's really cute, you know." "So the Princess would be the clueless one in this relationship, then?" "And she'd continuously make him angry, so that he'd punch her.... and then it stopped sounding like it'd be fun to watch, didn't it?" "Watch, you say?" "Ups. I meant read." "That's good. Give me at least some more time to invent the TV." "He's... thinking really loudly, isn't he?" "Yes, quite." "Well, you could stop being such a douchebag, but I guess that's too much to ask." "The douche is almost literally dripping off him." "I bet he's spraying himself with douche every single morning." "......" "Well, that sounded disgusting." "The best part, however, is our non-affiliation with him, so we can just stand here saying this to his face." "I agree. Being a douche doesn't prevent one from being eaten by monsters." "He can only hope that his douchelacity becomes so intense that they'll throw him straight up again after chewing him but good." "He'll look like a hilarious mess when he comes back, though." "So, you guys hate his guts too?" "Yep. And we've known him for five minutes." "ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! WE'LL GO TO THE FREAKING TOWER! JEEZ!" "Uh... like I said; thinking." "You're a very loud thinker." "Wow, seriously?" "Tower, tower, where are you?" "That's not a tower at all." "It's a mad head." "They look rather happy to me." "I bet they just got paid, so they've been out drinking their sorrows away." "They even included the outsider." "There we go. Let's just get this over with. It's starting to resemble a job too damn much." "The great big dungeon roundabout tour." "When navigating dungeons, it's important to keep a cool head." "Wrong! It's all about the burning hearts." "Or heads." "It's got a good head on its... uh... yeah, that joke went nowhere." "Oh, my poor arthrisis." "Has anyone seen my gums?" "I can't feel my hips." "You darn kids get off my lawn." "Did we hit up the local retirement home instead?" "Either that, or we just found the secret Hobos R Us; store for the homeless." "Cleanup on aisle 3; rags, bottles, cardboard boxes." "You kids today have no respect for your elders." "Of course we do. That's why we're not going to hold back." "What was that sound?" "A bomb fell out of your pocket." "Yeah. We really need to bomb-proof your pants. Otherwise, it might happen again." "How do you even... actually, never mind. I don't wanna know what the deal is with the bomb-proof pants." "The writing on the wall is being very cryptic." "Nah, it just says 'bash it with your sword', because that's how most stuff works around here: applied violence." "You're kidding!" "If only. Seriously, we've been traversing this place by slashing it with his sword, shooting arrows on it or blown it up with bombs." "It's a hard life." "So, who thought we needed both arrows AND switches?" "Nothing quite like complicating matters." "Uh...." "Someone's been getting ahead in life." "Several times." "It looks like the weirdest race ever. Neck and neck." "So, where is the finish line." "Wait, there are two of you? Or is that ten?" "Well, we used to have only one head each, but then some idiot with a sword came along, and he hadn't heard about the hydra's special ability." "I'll... uh, keep that in mind." "Yeah. So that's why you should just let us eat you immediately. We don't want to have more mouths to feed." "Sorry, but that's not an option." "Well, if you can't chop off any heads, chop off the body, and the heads will follow." "Funny how simple semantics can change the effects of a curse, even though you're technically doing the same thing." "Long live the fine print." "Assassins; now without speech impediments." "I dunno... I think all contract killers could use a cute lisp." "Death by moe." "And samurai too. OUR NIPPON IS COMPLETE!" "Why are they holding pieces of planks?" "It really looks like that, doesn't it?" "Redwood?" "Wood of our ancestors." "Chopped down with great honor." "That doesn't look like a gun at all." "It's not. It's a weapon for a scientist. So give it here." "Only when you wrench it out of my cold, dead hands." "....." "I'm sorry. That was a bad pun." "Yes, it was." "Ah, another one of these. Well, except for those switches instead of the one-step sand, but whatever. This shouldn't be a challenge." "Well, I certainly feel trial-ed." "So, what does it mean that this key is a trial key? Can we only open the door once or twice? Does it run out after a set number of days?" "We have to pay to unlock its full functions." "Things to keep in mind if we ever go to the shareware dungeon." *sigh* "Arrows and swords. Why did they have to make this thing so stupidly complicated?" "And yet so easy. Just set the arrows to point towards each other, and you could flip those switches all day." "DON'T TEMPT ME, WOMAN!" "Oops. Forgot that you were fighting a heavy lever addiction." "A what?" "You... don't want to know." "Oh, screw you, tower of trial." "You wanted confusing? Well, that's your confusing right here." "I never said I wanted it." "Oh? Never mind, then." "I would rather have a Shamu jewel. Then I could summon orca if we were fighting at sea." "It's a musto." "Well, that was really annoying, but at least we're at the top." "If you ask me; that dungeon felt shorter than most of the ones we've been through so far." "Both yes and no." "Well... trial passed, I guess." "We can only use this key three more times, though. After that, we have to pay so that we can use it again." "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." "I know, right?" "Once, twice.... three times a Gades...." "Well, aren't you quite the comedians?" "You don't know the half of it." "Actually, to make a wave, you have to move. Everyone has to. Otherwise, it won't work." "Unless, of course, you were talking about that short movie where a whole school turned into Hitler's youth squad." "You so chatty. I knew I should have extended my movement-inhibiting powers to your flappy lips too." "Yes, yes. Let's just get this 'I could totally crush you now, but I'm going to wait until you're strong enough to take us down instead' thing over with." "You must be the master of that room we just passed. The arrows were all over the place. It was total chaos." "DON'T TRY TO DOWNPLAY MY CONTRIBUTION TO THIS!" "Yes, yes. You're chaos incarnate. You probably never clean up your room and stuff." "Why? Will the fanboys and girls get in the way?" "Gnaargh! Don't you guys ever shut up?!" "Nope." "Well, screw you, then. I'm outta here." "Pfft. That's how it always is. I bet that can be fixed with jucidious levelling and maybe some items." "Nice attempt at creating dramatic tension, though." "Pfft. You have no sense of these things at all." "That's right. We came here for some stones, didn't we?" "In more way than one, it seems." "Ohoho, I smell cute childhood memories all over this." "Well, it beats throwing rope segments and saying they're snakes, at least." "Yeah, sure." "Besides, we spent all the free uses we can get out of this key." "You're still going on about that? What's next? Advance payments that let you have the key much earlier than other adventurers? Doors with coin slots that lets you bypass much of the tower?" "Or extra enemies on the way out?" "Minataurus, the bootleg Minotaurus." "It's like a cheap non-Disney knockoff movie. A mockbuster." "And they're even calling a skeleton a 'bone golem' instead. Long live technicalities." "And the douche fails to listen. He was supposed to bring a stone. He sent a guy who knew what stone it was. Said guy returned with the stone. Douche is all 'THIS CANNOT BE'." "Well, actually, the word was 'gem', but again... childhood memories." "To get married to the woman you don't love?" "Don't need to love a woman to put her on a pedestal and leave her to rot there." "Yeah, but still... why?!" "I guess he's aiming more for the 'half of the kingdom' half of the arrangement." "Urgh! I know I like jewelry too, but this display just makes me feel ill." "It's not the gemstone that's the problem here, Selan. It's the douche that comes with it." "It's a bagful." "You can sprinkle as much gold dust as you want on a piece of poopie; the stench is still there." "Well, gee, it couldn't possibly be that thing we bought from the tower like we were asked to, right?" "Guh! What is it with this place and gems? We already managed to escape ONE country of unbridled passion for meaningless riches, and now this. Could you possibly shatter my faith any quicker?" "You found what now?" "Hah! I knew it." Surprised at this turn of events, our heroes -- sans Selan, technically -- could just stand there and marvel slackjawed at the display of cliche'd affection. Where does one go from there? Is there an inherent danger in doing something nice for a girl when you are both children? They all ponder this as they mentally prepare themselves for the next stretch of their journey. "I wonder if this whole event would become really awkward if Hans had found himself another girl to fall in love with." "I'm wondering how that stone could have ended up in a room in an enemy-infested tower if she cared for it so much. I get that she might have brought it with her, but that just leaves the question how the two of them aren't full of teeth and claw marks if they went to that tower in the first place. Especially if they were children." "Eh, you're overthinking things. It's romantic. It's not supposed to make sense." "Science. It has failed me again." To be continued....
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Post by northlander on Feb 1, 2014 15:41:47 GMT -5
Chapter 21: Returning from the point of no return. "I'm tired of doing stuff I'm used to. I want to be swep.. uh, I mean thrown off my feet. Soon." "Do you remember when I swept you off your feet, Selan?" "I remember that. I immediately followed it up with a swift staff strike to your abdomen as I flipped back to my feet, and then we locked weapons for a while. It was so romantic." "Uh.... OK? And here I thought I was weird." "Oh, snap, son. You just got told." "It's almost like picking on the mentally challenged." "I told you the douche would receive his just desserts." "Maybe, maybe not. But as the King of this place, I certainly can BAIL you out of the castle." "Um... that's not quite how it works, but..." "How about we just throw him off one of the towers into the moat?" "I think even the crocodiles would find him unappetizing. Also..." "Yeah, come to think of it, this castle doesn't really look worse off than any of the other castles we've been visiting." "So, is Prince Douche rolling in gold or something? Why did they even let him into the castle if they were just going to blow him off anyway?" "It was probably a neat test on their part; yank the crank of the asshole and get him to bleed." "Yes, thank you for that great mental image, honey." "Well... for mostly being a waste of time to begin with, yeah. Hanz und Franz coulda dealt with that on their own." "Save for the Sinistral incident, sure." "Yeah, I guess there's that." "At any rate, we're done here, aren't we? Time to move on, yes?" "Um... or maybe not?" "Well, gee, I wonder who that could be." "We're going there, aren't we?" "Fo sho." "Yes, thank you, Captain Obvious." "Science says explaining a joke or a humorous comment completely obliterates its entertainment value. Especially if your listeners already know the answer." "Well, excuuuuuuse me." "In a flash." "Or at least that's what I hope they are saying. I'd hate to see a town being destroyed WITH a flash. A whole city, collapsing at the sight of The Magnificent Wang." "I think 'The Amazing Wang' has a nicer ring to it." "Why would a flasher need a name with a nicer ring to it?" "Everyone could use that." "Yep, this place looks good and trashed, alright." "It must have taken one hell of a beating." "Our man in gold sure swings a big stick." "Yep. Totally squashed like a fly. Crushed like a bug under a wheel. Flattened like a fly to a fly swatter...." "Somehow, it really irks me when you put it like that." "Well, when you're going to just show up and do little to nothing, that's what you get." "And wouldn't that follow an interesting pattern. But no, I shall not be overcome again." "Or overdone." "So... this is what the Sinistrals do in their spare time? Go around wrecking cities?" "Pretty much, yeah." "So, basically, we got a bunch of evil overlords with the mental capacity of school bullies. That's just swell." "Well, that's odd, because not five minutes ago, you told me it sucked." "No, I told you it's not enough. "You mean like... a force of some kind?" "Sure, if you don't mind getting sued." "Oh, come on. It can't be THAT specific." "Are you a bettin' man, Mr. Scientist?" "Well, of course it's a sword. What else would it be?" "Dual blade? Having two sword blades on one hilt just strikes me as a really bad idea." "It's not a LITERAL dual blade, Maxim.You really need to learn how to think more abstract." "Well, that's an... odd answer." "Not to mention a pompous one." "We can't all be looking for love, Mr. Smooth. Some of us need to keep up the hero part of the hero's journey." "BOOOOOO-RIIIING!" "Guh! What the..." "Guy, this is a funeral service. Do you think you could select a different way of being completely disrespectful?" "I'm just saying eternal peace sounds boring. If I die, I want to end up in a place where I can enjoy eternal women, wine and punch." "Dunno about the wine part, but if you like, I can provide you with a punch from a woman. Would that help?" "Sorry, but I'm not into the tsundere, much less the yandere." "But before that, I guess we have to look into some of the other towns in this continent and see what's up." "Yep. No leads and all that." "And no ladies either. That's the part that sucks the most." "And what am I? Chopped jelly?" "No, not really. But you're already married, so you're off limits." "Well, maybe you'll find SOME woman out there who might be able to find your complete lack of understanding for limits and boundaries acceptable." "Or just common sense altogether." "I dunno, Maxim. Wanna play 'twenty questions'?" "I already asked you one. The one that counts." "Your true self?" "GAH! Did I think too loudly?" "Well... yeah. Everyone seems to do that in this world." "So, what do you mean by your 'true self'?" "Um... nothing." "Are you a crossgender by any chance?" "Nothing quite so complicated, no." "Well, he was a raging asshole, so that's just all kinds of appropriate." "The levels of which I don't care are unprecedented. And I'm a scientist." "No, not until Hans gets a few more stones." "Yeah, he's gotta drop 'em pretty fast." "It's nice to see that your priorities are still in the right place, though." "You just can't defeat a good cake. And believe me; I've done studies on that. The experiments were.... highly entertaining." "Looks like we'll be fighting the Current." "......" "That was... just brilliant. You win, sir." "I love these people. They're so baaaaad." "Well, they could all use a power-glove to the mid section if you ask me." "Power glove?" "A little something I was working on. And man, was it bad. As prophecied, I guess." "Where did you learn about that? You interested in science?" "I subscribe to 'how to get out of turning into a housewife monthly'." "I... see. That's... I have no words." "Well, my only other option was Cosmopolitan, a magazine written for women by fear-mongering lunatics." "!!!!!" "Wow. He really is without words." "We should run an experiment on that." "Science, the battle of semantics." "She has a point, though; diving means sinking without taking in water. Regardless of what way you do; vehicles or lungs don't work very well when full of water." "Not that you have to be a scientist to know that." "So... did we drop by this place just to get into an argument?" "No, we weren't. It's just that the place was full of assholes." "It was just one kid saying someone built a sinking boat." "I will not let anyone mock science in my presence." "Then how would you know about the village?" "Also, wanna take bets on whether said mountain is only known as the mountain of no return because it's got some marginally difficult enemies on it? The kind that's no threat to us, but probably will be for the people who never went beyond the city limits?" "To return, one must first go somewhere. With that in mind, everyone here is an 'of no return' kind of a person." "Well, aren't we getting all deep and stuff?" "You can't plant flowers in oil? THIS IS ALL NEWS TO ME!" "I'm not sure the SMELL of oil should work like that, though." "Well, you know... where there's a tire." "Um... that's supposed to be fire." "I think that's supposed to be about smoke, not oil." "Are you saying oil can't be set on fire?" "No, I... guh, you're acting like this is an internet argument." "Internet?" "Yes, it was something I was working on. I thought it would be useful, but now I'm not so sure anymore." "Yes. I came." "......" "And that's all that needs to be said in this case." "I'd say you both are equally deficient in greeting courtesy." "Well, at least they're the Kings of Getting To The Point." "Gotta rule at something, I guess." "Yes, the one, made from a whole tree." "Also, if you were done with the submarine design a long time ago, what HAVE you been doing up until now?" "Well, that shut him up." "And there he go again." "He got PLANS, yo." "Well, except right, but who's paying attention to that." "But even so, there's just no way she should be able to get past all these people, right?" "Yes, they were stolen by the girl you had just cut off. The one that, in your words, had nowhere to go." "Which is exactly the position you're finding yourself in right now." "Well, that goes without saying." "Elf racism?" "If pointing out that elves have pointy ears, yes." "Did you have a point?" "No. Then again, I'm not an elf." "That's a shame. I like bad girls." "Do you like children too, you pervert?" "EW. No, not like that." "Speaking of children, what are you doing here?" "She went to the Mountain of No Return... again?" "Yeah, that doesn't contradict its name at all." "Well, nobody is going to come from afar to challenge the Mountain of Safe Return." "Well, it's not like anyone is coming over here even as it is. Maybe they need to rename the mountain to the Mountain of You're Screwed." "Or the Mountain of Certain Peril." "Well, we're going to show them all, aren't we? We're going to go to the Mountain of No Return, and we're going to damn well return from it as well." "Damn straight. And then we're going home and build or OWN Mountain of No Return. Without an exit." "Um... paths doesn't quite work like that." "I know. I was just kidding. I just didn't want to do the 'Blackjack and hookers' joke again. It's getting kind of old." "And so, we face another flower to be plucked, and this one's got fangs." "We've fought a lot of greenery on our route, haven't we?" "Not that I've been around the block myself -- I've been too busy being a scientist and inventor -- but is the plantlife really this aggressive all over?" "Occasionally, I guess. Not sure how much of it Maxim fought before he met me." "Actually, not as much. In my part of the word, we mostly faced animals and... other, more unspecific types of life, like the jellies." "Apparently, I should venture outside more." "Yes, you should." "Come to think of it, the mountains in this world are oddly standard-based. It's like they only come in three sizes: small, medium and large." "And they're all vaguely round-ish too." "VALLEY OF THE HEXAGONAL!" "Warts of the land." "Do you think we can make this jump?" "We can't jump, remember?" "I know. Oh, how easy it would have been if we could." "Then the dungens would just be more complicated." "Such a pessimist." "Well, we can't really jump unless the arrows allow for it, so..." "Alright, you loverboys. Why don't you just stand off to the side and make kissy-faces for a while. The way you're pushing us back when we try to pass your field of vision is kind of impeding our progress." "And so, a whole subgenre of fujoshi bait was born." "Oh, man. We gotta arrange for a whole orgie this time." "....OK, even I have to admit this is getting kind of hot." "I think we've got all bases covered now." "YES, DEFINITELY FEELING IT NOW!" "So... lots of plantlife in here." "I suppose it's the kind that doesn't need much sunlight. I guess I should take some with me for when I return to my lab." "I take it you've tried having something green down there?" "Heh heh. 'Down there', she says." "......." "Uh.... yes, I've... tried growing some stuff... down there. In my lab, I mean." "That's it! I'm going to start referring to my willie as 'the lab'. That way, I can invite the ladies to do some... experiments in my lab." "If you can't go to 'the lab', I guess...." "Idiot!" "That is neither a wheel or an eel." "It's not even THAT round. Or long." "That's what she said." "....." "The Ents are kind of mad, though." "How do tree rabies work, anyway?" "I guess we should apply our own brand of anger management, stat." "Well, thank God they built this bridge. With our lack of jumping abilities, this would have been a hard cross." "Even if we COULD jump, this would have been a bit of a stretch." "You've never seen Selan in action, have you?" "Oh, quiet, you." "Seriously, you helped them build this bridge, didn't you? Jump the gap, punch a few poles into the ground and then tie up the rope you brought. That's how it went, isn't it?" "I plead the fifth." "So many things getting in the way of the love of the dragonhead stone pillars. It makes me a bit weepy." "You're a sensitive man, my dear. You are the best." "I... don't know if they're serious or not." "You'll get used to it." "Didn't we already find a sword made of water?" "No, I think that was a ring." "We've found so many odd things made of normally unwearable stuff, like elements, it's hard to keep track of it all." "With this, we can stop forest fire. Then finally we'd be able to shut that damn bear up." "There she is." "I guess everything went according to plan?" "But whose plan? That's the thing that will keep ME up at night." "Gargoyles? Oh, no, what will Disney say?" "I don't think we have to worry too much about that." "Yeesh. Give something a personality, and suddenly murdering them becomes much more difficult." "Makes me long for the days of indiscriminate killings." "Um... yes, we did, Mr. Just Too Late." "And you are?" "You didn't know? Weren't even the people in your city talking about it? How could you not know?" "It's not MY lab. I'm following all the legal standards of material disposal and recyclings." "Well, aside from all the ships you sink, but eh...." "I knew it! YOU ARE THE ENEMY OF PLANTS EVERYWHERE!" "Well, a lot of them ARE actively trying to kill us." "Good!" "Milka!" "Wow! I know you're not like that, Lexis, but that sounded like a textbook example of an invitation from Uncle Bad Touch." "And it's all over flowers too, one of the most frequently used euphemisms for... well...." *euphemisms, you say?* "My list of 'euphemisms for the vagina' is a little out of date." "You could say it's a little behind." "Guh!" "You're trying to throw yourselves on the euphemism bandwagon, aren't you?" "Everything to distance ourselves from your dirty mouth, you pervert." *all hail the King and let's get back on track...* "She went for it? Kind of gullible for such a clever kid, ain't she?" "You don't know the half of it." "Anyway, let's return before something else shows up." New mission in hand, and new friends met, our heroes ponder their next step beyond the impending flower garden project. "D'oh!" "Too late." "Sometimes, I feel like we've been lead by the nose this entire time. And with the rhythm of a nine-to-five job at that." To be continued....
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Post by skylark on Feb 2, 2014 0:55:37 GMT -5
Hail to the King indeed.
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Post by northlander on Feb 8, 2014 13:54:35 GMT -5
Chapter 22: In the Company of Elves. "Is that crazy elf speak for 'over 9000'?" "I... have no idea what you're talking about, so.... probably not." "Gigundo sounds more like a made-up word to me, like a million trillion gazillion infinitillion." "You'd be the one to know, wouldn't you? You big kid." "Wanna take some bets on that, shorty?" "Yeah. What's holding you back?" "We're colossally racist." "Ah." "OK, I was kidding. We are kind of exclusivists, though." "Pointy ears only club, huh?" "Karyn?" "Well, aren't you being all trendy and stuff. What'sa matter? The letter 'i' not good enough for you hoity toity elves?" "It's a speech impediment. Sorry." "Speech impediment my foot. You're talking normally now." "Bah! Foiled again." "CONTEXT, PLZ?!" "Also, if you only saw a light, how could you tell it was a man?" "It's Amon, of course. Who else could it be?" "He did say there were other sinistrals too, right? One of which was a woman, I think?" "Well... fair enough, but I still think it's Amon." "....yeah, it probably is." "Then why did you turn this into a fight?!" "I was bored." "Also, like I said; bored!" "Yeah, yeah. Let's go stab something. With even more power." "There's always time to futz around." "If 'futz' is code for 'indiscriminate slayings', sure." "Well, it's hard to walk ten steps without encountering something that won't take a hint and leave us alone." "I wonder if these people find us obnoxiously racist or something, because I would like there to be some irony in all this." "Damn humans. They're all the same, dirty and violent and stuff. And they move around so much, even though we never thought any of them had any bravery." "OK, I get it!" "That was one step. One!" "Not to mention yet another misspelling. Is this an elven thing too? Should it not have been named Wayban?" "No, that's too close to Rayban, which would have gotten us sued." "Shades of economical distress, huh?" "Well, at least the T Rex is hungry." "That's good. A scuffle you're walking out of without teeth marks isn't a proper scuffle." "Ergh! The less I hear about your sex life, the better." "Is this a human thing too?" "....not quite. Well, sorta. But not really." "A temple or a condo. You decide." "Maybe it's a combi." "It's your temple. You SHOULD know." "And it's filled with all kinds of interesting monsters, some of which are even plant-based." "We should poke around this area and see what we can find." "Brinz Lizard? Does it fly around cutting off people's foreskins?" "You can also rent them for parties." "Ew, no. I don't want them poking their spears at my pants." "There's so much wrong with this conversation, I don't even know where to start." "That plant ain't even that red." "It's the purple people eater." "Is THAT an elven thing?" "....yes. Yes, it is." "Well, isn't this place just perfectly made for our hookshot. Good thing we already found one, huh?" "It also seems good for making heads explode." "Do human heads explode that easily?" "Nah. Just Guy's." "I see." "Dude, don't... just believe what he tells you." "Yeah, we'll be needing to get a rise out of this one, I wager." "Time to engage in the art of a good ol' 'up 'n down'." "To go up, one must go down." "If you go by this world's odd compass, yeah." "Oh, poopie." "We're going down, alright." "Nah, we can take 'em." "You guys ARE crazy. But I guess that's good in this case." "Cokatoris? What is this? Product placement?" "So, what do they call the female bird? Cli-.." "WHOA OK NOW STOP RIGHT THERE!" "...you guys are weird. And a bunch of perverts." "Judging by the creepy smiles of the Rogue Shapes, they agree with you." "That is one blue snake." "Maybe he was attacked by a Brinz Lizard." "Everyone, say hello to ol' Skinless." "Ew." "Hmmm. Are they feathery wings or leathery wings?" "Which side of the border do you guys worship, Arty?" "The ones that aren't murdering all of us and bringing chaos to the lands." "Ouch! Touché, I guess." "How many stairs going up does this place have?" "Just as many as ones going down." "Really? Are you sure?" "......" "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, is he?" "I didn't know the rabbit hole ran that deep, though." "This must be the room where they store all the foreskins." "EWWWW!" "Guy, can we please leave that topic now? Like... for good?" "Excellent. Now I can finally perform the rocket punch." "I don't even want to know how a ROCKET ring works." "Maybe it fires rockets. That would not look hilarious at all." "One ring to rule them all, and in low Earth orbit bind them." "Barred by the great divide." "Are we waiting for the clerk? What is this?" "I'm all for buying our way through this place." "I've heard of 'pay to play', but not 'pay to not play'. Is this something new?" "That's kind of dumb. Who'd want to do that?" "Come to think of it, this room adds a certain bone-breaking flair to 'the floor is lava'." "Well, anything beats the 'burned alive, limbs flailing' kind of death." "Which we might've had, if this room really was filled with lava. As it stands, though, it's gonna be broken bones." "Aren't you the jumping queen, though? This drop should be nothing for you." "Won't work. There's no permission arrows here." "Gah! Curse you, fine print." "Are you sure that's not 'Divide Shrine'?" "Damn it, I knew we shouldn't have written the floor names so quickly and sloppily." "Well, at least we got a Revive Armor out of the deal... whatever the hell that is." "The name says it all, really, but it still feels like a really oddly named armor piece." "It's an armor piece that will never let you die, which sounds like a great idea until you've been on the receiving end of several hours of 'WHY WON'T YOU JUST DIE?!' followed by more stabbings." "What the..." "Is it just me, or does that thing look like a walking sex toy with a face?" "It's Mr. Happy, the friend that keeps on giving." "The only thing he's giving me is the desire to tear my eyes out from their sockets." "Mr. Happy can probably help you with that." "Yes, he'll poke out your eyeses." "That's enough out of you, Gollum." "Yes, but have we found the fire, water, wind and earth key?" "I hope so, or we will never be able to summon Captain Dorkface Punmaster." "I want that key. When we're done with this dungeon, I'll bring it with me when we leave. That way, I can have it on me when I go out scoping for ladies. I'll say 'this is the key to my heart. Will you be the one to open it?" "If you do that, I will shoot you, even if I have to invent a gun to be able to do it." "And today, the number is six." "We shall all climb the hole." "Be careful with those pots, Maxim, and don't think too hard about what might be inside them." "SHUT UP! Remind me when I'm NOT holding one right above my head instead if you're going to be helpfully gross." "You are a rock, Maxim. You are an island." "Hey! Men have feelings too, you know. Or human beings, depending on where your little jab was directed." "Nah, it was just a song I heard once, except with 'I am' instead of 'you are'. Kind of ironic now in hindsight, seeing how we elves acted." "I swear... if these aren't the correct stairs for once, I'm going to scream." "Given the ludicrous detours we had to go through to get here, I'd say it is." "That, or someone's trolling us." "Are... are the lights flaring up as we pass them?" "That's not creepy at all." "And now, the floating platform ferry." "This place almost feels like a wharf or something." "Except there's no water here. Well... yet, at any rate." "Well, we got something to deal with just ahead." "A Sonic the Hedgehog cosplayer?" "Could use more spikes." "Guh! Not this again." "Creepy hallways, now with exploding walls." "Triggered by the lighting of all wall-mounted flame pots. Sounds like a stupidly elaborate way to open something." "To explode this wall, you have to walk both hallways to the end." "....." "Yeah, that is very inconvenient, isn't it?" "Hmmmm." "That wall looks all cracked and weak. Is there any chance we can leave it behind unexploded?" "No can do. If there's anything I have learned on our journey, then it's that we have to blow up everything. Always." "Wait, what? You're kidding, right?" "Nope. Ever since we got the bomb, every day has been a blast. So to speak." "So I hope you brought your earplugs, because things are about to get loud." "Every truly cultured music stu-dent knooooows...." "Oh, so we're singing that tune now? Well, then; allow me to do the do re mi's." "You really knows where it's at, don't you?" "Um... you guys OK? We thought we were in for a fight here, but...." "Do you have paralyzing spells or something, Arty?" "Nope." "Maybe it's just cold in here." "So, how many eggs are we going to carry around?" "It's a miracle they haven't cracked yet." "Dragon eggs are hardy indeed. Must be why dragons are so dangerous when they hatch." "I heard they can headbutt a mountain into gravel." "I heard dragons don't get frost bite. They bite frost." "I heard dragons never sleep. They wait." "I guess that explains Skyrim." "Just call me Mr. Jazz." "My husband, the improv King." "Groovy, mama! Groovy." "It didn't see us." "I knew all that time playing Metal Gear Solid would pay off." "No, I don't think that's it. Er... I mean... what?!" "Well, we went and did it. We used the heart." "Now I feel all empty inside." "And so, another 'item usage for dummies' challenge was completed. I feel like I'm back in that damn tutorial again. All that's missing is the old guy." "....." "And I also wish I had the hammer back then. The arrows had no effect on him whatsoever." "....uh..." "Are we there yet?" "It would appear so." "I guess Amon used the Wicked Heart key to get here." "No, that was probably Karyn's doing." "Well, we got a wicked heart to stop, so we should probably step on it." "Oh, we just thought we'd teach you some proper insults, you dong-shaped Saint Seiya reject." "Did you buy your armor at Ikea and screw up the assembly, or did you faceplant in the kitchenware department after mistaking glue for body oil?" "I know it stings being rejected as a model for the Rygar bonus tally rooms on grounds of being too homoerotic, but that's no reason to take out your anger on your hair." "Shut up, you stupid flies." "And such a wide range of insults too. You must make your father proud." "Wait, we weren't done yet." "I guess he really didn't HAVE a Wicked Heart key." "And now he doesn't have real ultimate powers either." "Um... but you just defeated the guy." "Quite easily too, from the looks of things." "But nooo, we have to be 'the only hope', because reasons." "Please look after my mil... I..." "Your dirty mind makes this sad scene unintentionally hilarious, huh?" "And kind of wrong." "Anyway, can I?" "Sure, you... uh, look after her milk or whatever. Not that I was staring or anything, but by the look of it, she had lots." "YES! Revenge is the way to go. Always remember that." "Well, they ARE trying to destroy us. Anything goes when it comes to self defense." "So, this is it, huh? Looks like a teleporting station to me." "The words 'step on it' comes to mind." "Now finally in a more literal fashion." "....um." "Is that it?" "Well... yeah. What did you expect?" "Something a bit more impressive-looking, at least." "Oh well, at least we got real ultimate powers now." "Um... Arty?" "He's stuck in a loop." "Someone give him a slap on the back of his head." "And neither would we, I guess." "Irksome as it is to admit." "Yeah, I mean... he called us stupid tiny flies. That really hurt." "You guys are just being sarcastic now, aren't you?" "Well... yeah. But we probably would have died. I mean... we hadn't picked up those powers yet, so... uh... I'm not helping, am I?" "No." "But... you do have kids, right? I mean... how long do you guys live anyway?" "I'm not sure. I lost count of my age a long time ago. Milka's just 137 years old, though." "I... you... what?!" "I don't know about you guys, but I just realized ONE good reason why elves are hesitant to allow themselves to mingle with humans. It's kind of depressing when you think about it." Casting aside any further thought on the subject, our team of heroes looked to the present and decided to revisit a slightly older topic that had weighed on their minds earlier. "And so quick too. Why didn't you think about doing this earlier, you humongous assholes? I mean... you polluted the region around your city for gods knows how long, and as soon as someone points it out, you fix it in less than a day. How the hell are you people actually keeping up with your science?" "One day at a time, pal. One day at a time." "Besides, it's not like we can live for hundreds and hundreds of years or anything." "You know what? Never mind. The problem is solved, and I guess that is what should count." "That's the spirit." To be continued....
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Post by northlander on Feb 14, 2014 18:22:09 GMT -5
Chapter 23: Who you gonna call if the phone hasn't been invented yet? "Yes, it's all up to me. Nobody else. Just me me me me me." "Oh, alright. It's up to your teammates too. No need to be so snippy about it." "Oh, yes, there is." "Well, here me is." "Yes, me all are." "Me should probably anchor ashore and get moving." "Me don't understand your sense of humor." "Oh, you will." "Yes." "Short and to the point. It's the human way." "Well, we won't get anything done if we just faff about. Some of us here don't live for hundreds and hundreds of years." "Sucks to be you, I guess." "Well, of COURSE it's not going to change if you just stand around like an idiot, gabbing to whoever passes by. Did any of you ever... you know, MENTION it to the scientists that their lab spews black, oozy liquid?" "And I can at least understand why the scientists wouldn't notice; they spend all their days cooped up in their labs. But when we told them about it, they took care of that problem right away." "The last time I heard moaning, I had problems getting out of bed too. Not that I was really trying, mind you." "Well, that's because... uh... my bad, I guess." "This is one of those human 'wink, wink, nudge, nudge' moments, isn't it?" "You learn so fast." "Not just a sword, but a legendary sword, huh?" "Well, it's gotta be a legendary one if people aren't sure if it exists, right?" "Sure, if you go by bookish semantics, you unromantic Mr. Spock, you." "Houston, we have a problem." "Not really. We can just idle over to the right and jump the small crevices, and.... we're not doing that, are we?" "Nope. If we did that, our boat upgrade would be pointless. Well... more or less." "...of course." "Alright, we're back in our boat. Now let me see what you've got, power of science." "Yikes. OK, this is getting a bit ridiculous." "It's good to see that the ocean floor is as ridiculously square-ish as the surface." "That wasn't quite what I was referring to, but... sure, that too." "And so we're in the shrine of... vengeance?" "Revenge is something worth worshipping in these parts?" "I... uh, plead the fifth." "Haha! You have been defeated by the power of science, hole in the floor." "That'll show you." "Hmm. Well, that was a bit of a redundant switch and level puzzle... thing, since there was just one door leading onwards anyway." "Looked more like a 'puzzles for dummies' setup to me." "They probably knew you just joined." "Oh, shut up!" "Guys, how about we pay attention to the huge winged dragon-thing standing in our way?" "Huh? What's there to worry about?" "Well... weird naming issues for one." "Bad enough that I heard they're calling the poor wyvern for 'Wyburn' in one world, but... 'WAIban'?" "They're a brand of shades for the excessively happy." "Look. They've even thrown their little wings in the air with happy abandon." "Yes, they sure seem happy to be attacking us." "OK, so... what do we fight first? The flaming skull or the gigantic T-Rex further back?" "Flaming skull." "Concur." "I SAY BOTH!" "We can't fight BOTH at the same time." "Booo." "Eesh, now I almost regret not starting with the gigantic blue T-Rex." "Demise? Is that.. like, Death's distant cousin or something?" "He takes care of the unexpected deaths, like the ones that usually end up in newspaper headlines or Darwin Award entries." "Urgh! That fight was thoroughly unpleasant, Mr. T-Rex, so would you mind terribly if we just quietly passed you by without any incident?" "Sure thing." "Oh, good. I was wor-..wait, what?!" "IT TALKS?!" "Yes, I do. So?" "Um... nothing. We'll just be on our way, then. Have an otherwise nice day." "Likewise." "....OK, that was... too weird for words." "Tell me about it. You're solving this puzzle in a daze." "But why didn't we fight it?" "Because we promised not to. Weren't you listening?" "More like we bailed out on it." "Yeah, sorry, but fighting death and hell skulls kind of filled up my momentary quota, so I thought I'd give the big mouth filled with teeth a rest for once. And graciously, it accepted. But if you're so dead set on it, why don't you just head back down there and let it bite you on the butt." "It's no fun doing it by myself." "You humans can bite your own butt?" "What? No, I... how did it come to this?" "Well, at least we have the ghost key. That's almost as weird as an eloquent T-Rex." "Is it full of slime?" "Not yet, but let's see what happens when we use it." "Hmmm. Say, you guys ever heard about this game called... what was it? Metal Gear Solid?" "What? Like that sneaky game? That's not much fun, is it?" "I just thought we could try something new. We'll get our fill of fighting soon enough." "Oh, it's another T-Rex." "Maybe it'll let us pass without incident." "Then again, maybe not." "It's not even blue anymore." "ME HUNGRY!" "ME TOO!" "Or eloquent, for that matter." "Is it wrong that I have a weird time seeing them as large, slobbering beasts now?" "Yes, very." "Oh, look. It's the DARK WARRIOR!" "Purveyor of generous amounts of angst and despair." "His slogan is 'life is hard and then you die'." "Well, he's about to get the 'dying' part right, at least." "Meaning his angsty routine was at least partially warranted?" "Imagine that." "Hmph. We blew up all the walls, and all we got out of it was two doorways?" "Well, what were you aiming for? The entire temple to collapse in on itself?" "It'd be a start." "....yes. Yes, it'd be." "No Sinistrals are going to outdo you, huh?" "Didn't we already find one of these?" "No, that was a revive armor. That's completely different." "....of course." "Wahey, we used the ghost key. So... did you get slimed?" "Nope. It's all very disappointing, actually." "OK, who's lighting up my farts?" "I... what?! Is your butt shooting a constant stream of methane or something?" "Something." "It's shooting a constant stream of something? Is this a human thing too?" "No, I... I... don't even know where to start." "It's a dead end. Literally." "Looks like a lot of people have a hard time figuring out the concept of 'turning around and retracing your steps back outside'." "Well, we COULD do that. Buuuuuuut...." "You're going to blow it all up, aren't you?" "Ah-yup." "Humans. No respect for... uh, human remains, I guess." "Well, this is conveniently out of reach." "Well, there are many ways we could've taken care of that problem, but...." "But?" "I think I can guess which method you're going to apply here." "Yep. It's time for things to go boom." "Worked like a charm. It was just a wall with a ladder and two cracked pillars holding it up. It's like it was MADE to be blown up." "I'm so happy for you." "There's the asshole who just couldn't let us go without a fight." "Which puts him on par with... oh, almost every single being in this world." "Yes, the chatty T-Rex was an exception to the rule. Get used to it." "I will do no such thing." "It's the chariots of bones." "No Vangelis for you." "Maybe if we set it on fire?" "The things some beings do for kickass theme music." "Ha...de?" "Doesn't that mean 'goodbye' in some language or the other?" "I think you have to add a 'T' at the end, though." "Oh, so it's elvish?" "I pity the fool who doesn't recognize the missing T." "....uh.." "Well... I guess it was worth a try." "That seemed to be the general idea, yes." "If you equip it, do you gain the ability to jump over long rows of vehicles on motorbikes?" "That... doesn't sound right somehow." "Here, Guy. Maybe this armor'll help you." "Oooh, shiny. Thank you, I... HEEEY, are you implyin something?" "Nnnnope, not at all." "Well, I wouldn't dare question the guy who keeps blowing stuff up." "Hmm. Maybe if I throw a bomb really hard..." "Maxim, can we please use something else just this once? Your other tools are getting lonely." "Tell me about it." "I'm... going to leave the implications to Selan's comment unspoken." "Oh, fine. Hammertime it is, then." "There. I hope you're happy now." "Well, it was... refreshing?" "And a little bit less loud." "Um... sorry. Did we interrupt something?" "Wait, is that the latest issue of 'Barmaids'?" "The latest issue of what?" "Um... 'Barmaids'. It's a magazine with images of girls with massive clea... uh, you know what? Never mind." "I'm... willing to let the sheer embarrassment of this slide." "Doesn't look like the gentleman's club here is going to, though." "....seriously? That's the riddle? What am I? The butler?" "I don't think the butler's doing the main work. He's more of a personal servant." "Details, details. Anyway, we have to straighten out this carpet. What will be the riddle next time? Wash the dishes? Vacuum the floor?" "Given all the shrapnel you left lying around after your little journey through the world of explosions, the latter wouldn't be entirely uncalled for." "There you go again, being all mystic and stuff. That's an elf thing, isn't it? That, or you just like to pretend." "I resent that comment." "Which is appropriate, I guess, seeing as we're in the temple of vengeance." "So... what energy are you feeling?" "Are you sure? It could be the good kind of hatred, you know." "Sarcastic now, are we?" "Nonono." "Well, it is sheer hatred, and that's not your garden variety of hatred." "Et tu, Selan." "The powers of detestable humans?" "Sounds about right." "U so racist." "No room for the full job description, huh?" "I guess you'll be getting your wish about being slimed, though." "Um... or... we'll exchange humongous elemental beasts?" "Well, that's one way to settle it, I guess." "Meh, that didn't much hurt at all." "Tell that to your poor capsule monster. He took a ton of damage." "Hold on. I'll take care of that right away." "Um... that didn't work at all." "I dunno about that. I'm full, at least." "Why doesn't the healing magic work on the capsule monster, though?" "Probably because his name isn't in the menu." "Ah, of course." "Not that it was alive to begin with." "Haaaaate!" "Well, it's got the one track mind of a ghost, at least." "That there'd be another assbeating awaiting them if they didn't knock that crap off?" "....yeah, pretty much." "I do so love the easy solutions." "Hmm. I don't think I'll be using this one." "At least they have the common courtesy to name it as such. It would've sucked if you equipped it and THEN found out it was a cursed item." "Well, I guess we're done here. Anything else on our agenda?" "I can think of a few things." "You so rude, Arty, calling the poor thing a thing." "Like you're one to talk, Mr. Irony." "So, we're taking a.... uh, coconut?" "Shouldn't that have been a gaudy mushroom, though, judging by its name?" "Oh, look. We picked up a red herring." "Um... I think it's going to be a bit more useful than that." "Well, I guess we're done with everything we can do so far. So... what now?" "Good question." With the last lead out of the way, our heroes are uncertain which steps to take next. The Sinistral trail had gone cold, so there is only one thing that could save them now. "Also, you calling me a 'thing' now? That's quite rude." "Um... it was just a manner of speech." "And also a pattern we kind of fell into." To be continued....
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Post by northlander on Feb 22, 2014 18:48:50 GMT -5
Chapter 24: Mirror Mirror On The Wall.... "Um...." "Wow, Maxim, you lucky son of a gun." "Is this a human thing?" "Guys, you're... not helping. Neither are you, Selan." "Quiet you, oh sensible one." "Oh, I trust Maxim just fine. It's you I have a problem with." "So you say, but you're the one bristling over the fact that I want to see him privately. What's the matter? Afraid?" "Oooooh!" "I honestly don't know what to say to this." "Honestly! What's Iris's next move? Going 'boooooc boc boc boc boc boc' while waving her elbows like a little chicken?" "A simple, stupid dare might do it too." "But will she take the bait?" "Normally, I'd say no, but... after this exchange, I'm not so sure anymore." "Don't mind the fact that I married you and had a child with you or anything. Let's all answer the baiting of the troll woman who called you a chicken." "Shut up! I'm going to show her a thing or two." "Like you showed me a thing or two... or three... on our wedding night?" "Ohoho. Maxim, you corndog." "Well... you know... we DO have a kid." "Excuse me, honeeeeey. We got somewhere to go." "Well... at least it's given us a destination. Better than aimlessly wandering about, I guess." "Sounds marginally more sensible than just following mysterious lights too. I'll give it that." "Farewell, tiny single-apartment hamlet. We hardly knew ye." "It's even got a well and a picket fence too." "And 1.7 kids." "One emerged just partially. He was missing a leg and three fingers." "Oh, we were coming, not going." "That's what she said." "Yyyyeah, I bet you've heard 'you've gotta try a little harder' fairly often too." "Well... I think we'd be hard pressed to find someone who hasn't told at least a little white lie throughout their lives. So... how would anyone ever show in that mirror?" "Uh.... I dunno?" "But... whether you stick together doesn't have anything to do with whether you or your boyfriend -- well, ex-boyfriend -- is a liar or not. This mirror business makes no damn sense." "I WAS angry, but now I'm just curious. What kind of lies does this mirror judge by? Relationship lies? How does that even work?" "Probably because most stupid fools in love are lying to themselves. They just don't know it yet." "Let's hear it for Mr. Romantic. Wonder why the ladies consider your people the top of the mating food chain." "I plead the fifth." "Oh, nothing. I just feel really stupid now for some reason. Not entirely sure why yet." "Well, here we are." "The Tower of Truth, which is totally not like those other, lying, asshole towers that just wine, dine and leave you... behine?" "Uh... I'm sure it was something different, but let's not raise the age bar on this story now, OK?" "So... where do we begin?" "We already fought those giant lizard things before, I think. So let's go for that humanoid enemy." "Kind of looks like a lamia. Okayado would not approve." "Well, we can't all subscribe to weird fetishes." "Seirein? What is it with this place and their weird spellings?" "Are you all trying to be trendy? Is there something wrong with the more traditional spelling of 'Siren'?" "Coulda been worse. Throw in apostrophes and a penchant for exchanging 'I's with 'Y's instead, and things get considerably dumber." "Sy'rin. S'yr'yn." "....." "Yeah, it works as I thought it would; it makes me come across as a pretentious ponce." "And you get enough of that from being an elf, huh?" "Oh, shut up, you." "And you decided to fight the giant lizard things anyway, huh?" "Well, a fight is a fight. And good to see you with us again." "Hmph!" "So... who's got an ear for music?" "We've done this before, haven't we?" "Hell if I know. Let's see how it works." "Right. So it's not the tune of the song that counts this time, but the size and the motion." "That's what she said." "......" "Arty, is there any fun context for the 'that's what she said' line over at your neck of the woods?" "No, not really. We're too pretentious for stuff like that, remember?" "Well, someone's getting a bit ahead of themselves." "Haven't we met these guys before, though?" "Well... no, we met regular Hidora. You know, the green ones." "So, there's SEA Hidora inside a tower up on land." "......" "MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO ME!" "But what the hell is a Moray Vine? Shouldn't they live in cracks in the wall or something?" "Looks more like a pitcher plant to me." "They attack by hoping we'll get close enough and we're clumsy enough to fall into its cup to boot." "And stupid enough to not just climb back out of it, even if we do." "Well, that was... very enlightening. I hope we won't get ambushed while we stand around so deep in thought." "Especially Selan. She has hardly said a thing this entire time." "Shut up. I'm contemplating." "Seriaco? I have no idea what that is supposed to be in the first place." "Well, it's... some kind of bird. Yeah, that's literally all I have to go on." *sigh* "OK, let's play the other tune." "Wow, it almost looks like it's flipping us the birdie." "Or doing threatening motions with a fist." "Well, two can play that tune." "It's a duet of fisticuffs." "So, you done playin' it, Sam?" "Yeah. Wasn't really my song to begin with, so...." "I don't think she's gonna let us pass." "Well, not without a fight anyway." "Well, let's just fight her, then. What's the worst that could happen? Well, aside from us having more lives on our conscience?" "Oh, poopie!" "I know the ol' saying goes 'two heads are better than one', but there is such a thing as taking that too far." "OH GOD SOMEONE STOP THE RAM CAROUSEL I WANT OFF!" "Throw up, I shall, and plenty times." "Hey, is it true what I heard? That when elves throw up, it's in all the colors of the rainbow?" "NO! NO MORE COLORS! I AM SUFFERING FROM COLOR OVERLOAD!" "Thank you for that, Maxim. And no, of course not. Where did you hear that, Guy?!" "Oh, some guy on the internet." "Ah, the internet. Purveyor of absolute truth since.... well, never." "GUYS SERIOUSLY! ARE YOU SEEING THIS?! IF THIS DOESN'T STOP SOON, I'M GOING TO SHOVE MY HEAD DOWN INTO THAT BUCKET OVER THERE!" "What bucket?" "Yeah, Max. There's no bu-..WHOA, WAIT, MAXIM! That's... not a bucket. It's that... plant thing. Whatever it was called." "Oh man, that was... extremely unpleasant." "It was hella amusing see you literally pick that plant up and use it as a hat, though." "Ugh! Not for me. I literally poured that liquid it contained onto myself, and it REEKS!" "Thou shalt heretofore be known as Pope Stinky." "Blah! This isn't the top of the tower at all." "Nice fakeout, though." "Maybe we can ask this big guy for directions." "Ask for directions? How unmanly." "I would normally have added '...and smart', but... I don't think this huge, blue guy is going to be particularly helpful." "Well, not unless you were looking for a fight, no. Thankfully, that's just what I was doing." "Looks more like they're keeping an eye on us." "......" "Say, Selan... you've been fairly quiet so far. What are your thoughts on all of this?" "I'm still contemplating stuff. Shut up and leave me alone." "Cracks everywhere." "And we totally have to enter them all." "This better not be some kind of dumb innuendo, Guy." "Well, it's... pretty super, I guess." "But is it super enough for any of us?" "We all use swords, right? So... who's gonna take it?" "I'm fine." "I wouldn't be caught dead holding that thing over my head." "Back in the box it goes, then." "This isn't the top either." "Maybe that ladder over there'll help." "Eh, or maybe there's something better inside this place." "Buh!" "Something better, huh?" "Looks like it's time for musical chairs again, except there's no place to sit." "IT IS FORBIDDEN TO STEP ON THE BUTTONS!" "Well, helloooo Thunderbeast." "Looks like a huge yeti to me. So why it doesn't live in the snowy regions of the mountains is beyond me." "Most stuff is 'beyond' you." "Look at the red nails. He's been prettying himself up for this encounter, methinks." "Either that, or he's dating Mr. Monocle over there." "Um... he doesn't HAVE glasses." "He's probably using lenses, then. Or A lense." "Haven't we met this guy before?" "You might. Did his face have a different color?" "Look at that greying hair. We've met another kind of senior citizen here." "Um... yeah. I guess regular Tengu aren't really all that clever, huh?" "That's probably why they painted their masks and colored their hair. It's all about the image." "Nothing quite like weird-ass switch puzzles to get to a single chest." "There better be something really super inside that chest." "Oh, please, no. Let it at least be something we can use." "I'm... not sure how to describe this." "How about 'they're fighting back'?" "Did we ever fight the chests, though? We only took what was inside." "This moving, fighting chest puts a new spin on that, though, doesn't it?" "It's almost like an organ harvesting." "So, how does the sword organ work?" "Well, we should know, shouldn't we? I mean, all three of us are swinging ones, aren't we?" "Urgh! Is this your idea of deep thought? You're only making my headache worse." "Aaaand we're back to the beginning." "Hey, this might sound like a crazy idea, but... let's just head back outside. This trip is pretty meaningless, after all." "I concur. While Iris has been some kind of help so far, there's no reason to answer this taunt of hers after all." "UNACCEPTABLE! We will go inside here, and we will show her." "Yeah, well... there you have it, guys. Nobody challenges Selan's competitive streak and gets away with it." "When she says 'jump', you say 'how high', huh?" "Not really. Only if I'm taunting her about her jumping abilities." "Und zhe other vay." "Um.... what the hell is that?" "Sonic the Hedgehog?" "Yep. And he brought Knuckles with him." "I don't think I'd want to take a falcon punch from THOSE fists." "Oh, for..." "Yeah, we'll be spending some time in this room." "There better be some loot here to make up for that." "These clothes, that ring... they're only for dead people." "Or maybe wearing them can give you the ability to see dead people." "That would be a clever plot twist." "But also the last one you'll ever make." "HEY! TEENAGE SPIKY SONIC TURTLES!" "Yeesh, this place is full of generally aquatic beings." "And if you think that's the weirdest thing; we've met eagles inside caves." "Uh... right. Never mind." "Not to mention plants inside caves. You know, the kind you'd think required sunlight to some extent." " I got it! OK?!" "And so, we're locked in yet another deadly struggle of 'which switches shall we press'." "Eh, it's not that deadly." "No, I meant deadly violent." "That makes even less sense." "Oh, for the love of... ANOTHER one of those guys? How about some variety here?" "Yes. They should at least throw some more of those bucket-like enemies at you." "I'd pick one up and pour its contents over your head." "At last. The final jar." "Oh, how we have longed for this day." "Our long journey is finally over." "Yes. Let us bring our prize and place it correctly, so that we can continue our journey of enlightenment." "And so it begins." "Truth key? Should we be glad we didn't find the lie key?" "Or does it warn us if we try to open the wrong door? 'NOT THIS DOOR, IDIOT! LOOK UPSTAIRS!'" "It's the sarcastic truth key." "STILL not the top floor? Jesus Christ!" "There's two of those tengu guards too. I don't suppose you two would just let us pass by any chance?" "Well, whaddya know? They did." "Personally, I'm disappointed." "Well, deal with it. We're here for stupid reasons, so the quicker we get this done and over with, the quicker we can move on to more important stuff." "......" "So, riddle me this, then, Iris: how can I have a false feeling for Maxim? Because whatever I feel at any time is the truth. What I say and what I feel doesn't necessarily always coincide, but that's beside the point, isn't it?" "You're not supposed to give it deep thought, Selan. You're just going to take it at face value." "The 'don't worry your pretty little head about it' principle, huh? Do you want me to tell you how I feel about that oh, so condescending philosophy?" "No, not really." "Well, tough luck, because I'm going to do so anyway. See, I'm willing to admit I fell for your stupid baiting -- yes, I let it get to me -- but I'm mostly here to call you on your stupid BS mirror thing and tell you how it doesn't make any sense." "Yeesh, Selan; you've been saving up for this encounter, haven't you?" "Seething it up, more like. So, do tell, Iris; what did you bring us here to test?" "But that's not the issue, is it? If I really had come here to lay my fears to rest, I would already have failed, wouldn't I? I'd be like those people who rely on fortunes or the damn horoscope to keep their relationships alive, because they want and wish and hope that they don't have to work to keep it that way. And then they'd be all surprised when it falls apart on its own." "Does that mean you aren't going to go inside?" "Oh, I will go inside and look at your mirror. And then I'm going to put my fist through it." "You want the truth? Given how your knees are quivering, you couldn't handle the truth." "And I love how you say you didn't want to push them, but your subtle jabs at Selan's courage couldn't exactly be called subtle. To tell you the truth, we kind of expected you to do the bird dance and go 'booooooc boc boc boc boc boc'." "But I still gotta know the truth." "What about the truth?" "I'm starting to think you just discovered a new word in the dictionary, and you're just aching to try it out. As if you ran over here in advance and just wrote 'truth' in front of everything. Surely, I can't be the only one who thinks 'truth key' sounds like a really weird thing to say." "I wonder how Maxim and Selan are doing in there." "See? That's the truth. That was part of what I was looking for." "Yeah, well... here's another piece of truth: you're full of it." "Full of truth?" "Amongst other things." "I was just so angry at that stupid, condescending bitch. But I'm also kind of angry at myself for allowing this to unfold the way it has." "Yeah, well... it's not like I don't understand how you feel." "That's probably because we never really know whether they're actually sensible people, or just douchebags who don't know anything else but throwing bile around." "It's extra bad when it's the woman who's been sending us on important quests, and then she suddenly turns into a trolling asshole." "Ain't THAT the truth." "Hee hee." "It can call itself a something of truth all it wants; it's a lying piece of gamblin' randomness." "Hmm. I wonder... now that that's settled, and the others are waiting outside, do you think we've got some time for..." "...I guess not." "Curses." "I'm sorry. Did we interrupt something?" "You really are a trolling troll, aren't you?" "Pardon me?" "Oh, fine! I'll accept three white dragons as a suitable excuse for interrupting our sexytime." "You humans sure have an odd way of taking advantage of a mirror's reflective properties." "At least if it means less pilgrimages from stupid people, anyway." "I didn't get to put my fist through it, though." "She be trollin', we hatin', she rollin'." "Anyway, we're done here, right? We can leave now?" "Sure. I mean... we came mostly for your sake anyway." "Good. I'm done. Let's go." "Well... at least one of them. But I probably have to go bait them some more, because this story ain't over yet." Contemplating the mystery of the situation, the woman known as Iris gazes into what used to be the mirror of truth. If it was repaired, what would it show? What would we learn? "Man, I can't believe they didn't even think of asking. Then again, they don't really know a lot about the Sinistrals yet. They've only met two of us yet. Or rather, three. They just didn't know yet." "I'm not in the mirror right now, but please leave a message. Your call is very important to me." "Gah! Damn it!" To be continued....
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Post by Solana on Feb 23, 2014 12:46:34 GMT -5
I like how Maxim has gone from the crazy guy who blows everything up to the sensible one so fast. Also, I think the 'Waibans' were happy because of the awesome pun.
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Post by northlander on Feb 25, 2014 11:13:54 GMT -5
Well, a lot of hardships can change a man. Sometimes for the better.
And there can be no better instigator for change than going through the JRPG version of a threadmill, right?
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Post by northlander on Mar 1, 2014 18:49:20 GMT -5
Chapter 25: You're fired. Literally. "Well, at least that ordeal is over and done with." "Oddly enough, in some ways, it's also the side mission that paid off the most." "Speak for yourselves. I got jack zilch." "Well, boo hoo. If only you had a girlfriend, huh? Except you DO have a girlfriend, so stop complaining." "Almost. We got interrupted, though." "Do you two want to rent a room before we move on to the next point of our agenda?" "We.... might take you up on that offer. Except we're not taking YOU anywhere, but you get my drift." "So smug..." "The what?" "Well, isn't that convenient. Now we know where to go." "And this knowledge earlier would've saved us one trip of dubious necessity." "We have to ask an elder, though? I hope he's not like that old guy back in my hometown." "That depends on the definition of 'living together', but... yeah." "Oooh, it iz zhe viper." "If ve azk nizely, vill she vipe zhe vindovs?" "How the hell do we know it's a female Viper anyway?" "Because it's called a SHE Viper, dude. It's pretty self-explanatory, yes?" "That's not my point. I just.... never mind." "Well, we're being blocked by these weirdly linear stone formations." "Only one thing to do." "Dive underneath it." "Floating stones. Of course." "It's the perfect defense." "From what? Non-diving boats?" "For instance." "A dragon that breathes fire? Now, I've never heard about that before." "Yeah, that sounds too outlandish to have any root in reality. You people and your silly wives-tales." "Which sounds kind of ironic, coming from you." "Well, I would call it... somewhat optimistic." "Even if he brought the biggest cork in the world." "OK, let's head sou-..DAMN IT!" "That was fast." "Gold Golem?" "Gorem." "Whatever. Anyway, I think Gold Golems..." "Gorems." "Shut up! Anyway, if they're made of gold, they should be the easiest ones to... take care of." "Technically, defeating these guys should net us lots of money too." "Look. Those mountains have jam on them." "Good golly! Let's go get some to spread on our pieces of toast." "Now you're just making me hungry." "Oh, you dastardly dungeon. That's an exit point, isn't it?" "Man, it would've been SO easy if we could just PULL stuff instead of just pushing it." "Not to mention if we could just jump. Or climb." "But you DO know how to jump, Selan. In fact, you're quite good at it." "Oh, shut up! That doesn't count, and you know it." "Somebody scared the turkeys." "That's not a turkey. It's a chicken." "Looks like a vulture to me. Or an ostrich? I... have no idea." "It's a crow. Don't you guys know anything?!" "........" "What?!" "That is NOT a crow." "Yeah, I mean... seriously. Just look at it." And it looks more like a turkey? Or a chicken?" "Well, it looks ribbed more than anything else. And goofy." "Well... yeah. I'm not arguing that." "And why argue, when we can focus on those... turtle... things instead." "Buh!" "Look. The dragon brought its purple bucket." "It really looks like it's out gathering something, doesn't it?" "Wait, it's a GREEN dragon? Is it chameleon-like or something?" "Presumably, it's not the fire-breathing one we're supposed to find, then." "At least the bucket is still colored correctly." "It's also called a Venus FLY! Not flytrap, which is also not correct, since it's a pitcher plant, but whatever...." "You're such a botany geek." "Oh, shut up!" "Yes, good thing this arrow made of bushes was here, or we might not have noticed the door." "This is one of those 'burn all the bushes, and the door will open' situations, isn't it?" "Yep." "Well, we got bombs and we got fire arrows. Pick yer poison." "Why not use all?" "Why not indeed." "It's still a little early for this guy, but he'll get here eventually." "Which will be all the more ironic, I guess." One ton? I don't think we're enough people for that." "Do you weigh a ton, Selan?" "Oh, he's trying to get a rise out of me. That's so cute, but it also means we can't count on his head to tip the scales either." "Speaking of heads...." "Do you weigh a ton, Mr. Hydra?" "That's so rude. And no, I don't." "Well, you're no use to us, then." "That's even more rude." "Well, boo hoo, Mr. Sensitive. Don't dehydrate -- get it? DeHYDRAte? -- yourself by crying with all your eyes simultaneously." "That's so many kinds of wrong, I don't even know where to start." "Hmm, I can sense a hole in the ground... in the making. Let's test our total weight." "Yeah, don't mind the big guy in the back there." "Well, at least we managed to get a little bit of a rise out of it, so you flapping your lips wasn't a complete waste, Guy." "I look at that thing, and I wonder who gets to decide which way they're going to fly." "I think I also know where they coined the phrase 'heads you win, tails you lose'. Because the heads are clearly in the majority here." "I... don't think that's it." "Well, when in doubt, get one of those big suckers to fall down the hole." "I guess HE weighed a ton." "Or the rest of it." "Whoa! Quiet, now. If we sneak quietly past, we can avoid a lot of needless fights." "WHAT WAS THAT YOU WERE SAYING?! SPEAK UP!" "GAAAAH!" Goddamn it, Guy. Was that really necessary?" "Maybe not, but I thought I heard you say something along the lines of us not fighting stuff. But that's just crazy talk, right?" "I'll show you crazy talk, you stab-happy moron." "Eyes in front, guys. We got a golem made out of goddamn magma here." "A golem made out of manga? That's... unusual." "Still tempted to stab him in the backside." "I know, but... restrain yourself." "Why?!" "Because we kind of have to fight some more after we're done with the salamanders and the golems. And dragons at that." "Red dragon? I'm guessing these guys aren't the ones we're looking for either?" "Prolly not, no." "Well, we are at the top. Which means nothing when we're traversing a volcano, I guess." "Nope. Into the fire-y depths we go." "Hoo boy, it's the T-guard." "What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, and gobs up the neighbor's dog...." "You're dead set on fighting absolutely every damn enemy in this cave, aren't you?" "Well, maybe these guys are among those nonagressive ones." "...then again, maybe not." "Yay!" "Yay?! Look at those slavering mouths. Look at those damn teeth?" "They will look good on my mantlepiece." "Or maybe you will look good on their mantlepiece?" "Oh, hey, I found a keYAAOOW! OW OW OW OW OW!" "What's wrong?" "IT'S HOT! OUCHY OUCHY OUCHY OUCHY! I'M NOT PUTTING THAT ONE IN MY POCKET!" "If you did, you'd have a HOT POCKET, am I right?" ".......OUCH OUCH OUCH! TOO HURTY TO STAY SILENT FOR TOO LONG!" "They're back? I thought we defeated those guys." "Well, then we'll just defeat them again. I honestly don't see the problem here." "Idiots rarely do." "And that's why we live longer." "Quantity over quality, huh?" "Ouch! OK, that's... I used the key, so now I can throw it away." "What'sa matter, Max. Getting your nuts burned off?" "Almost. And boy, aren't you being quite obnoxious today? Did you decide to amuse yourself with whether you'd be able to piss someone off today?" "Three chests. Maybe it's just me, but a lot of chests come in threes lately." "Three is a magic number." "Is that an elf thing?" "Nah, just a song I heard." "Magic scale? S-pro ring?! I... don't even know what to think of the latter one." "Sounds like a tool for the ol' wedding night." "It's the S-prostrate. Really softens up the ol' muscle." "Ew." "Well, at least we've reached lava too. Shouldn't be long now." "Oh, poopie. This'll be a pain, I bet." "I smell trial and arrow." "That's 'trial and ERROR'." "Not in this room, no. And make that FIRE arrow." "Of course." *a thousand and one days later* "Gnaaaaargh! Finally done. Rarely have I done something so utterly frustrating just to get past one single room." "And there's nothing else to it either. That's about it." "And the plants couldn't just grow once either. They had to repeat the whole thing several times over." "All these ins and outs are giving me a headache. How am I supposed to choose between stairways when my head hurts like the dickens?" "Adventuring; It leads to fame, treasure and... severe migraines." "And speaking of migraines...." "It's like we accidentally dropped by the big draconic family reunion. And humorously enough, I'm actually the least worried about the spear-wielding ones." "That's only because you know they won't chew you to death, at least." "Ah, yes, the S-mind. That's when your head dons a little Superman cape and spends all its time going 'EUREKA!'" "That's all well and good, but if I don the Kraken rock, will I grow six more limbs? If that's the case, I can swing even more swords." "That's our Guy; foregoing intelligence for better fighting capabilities." "OK, here's hoping we'll reach the end of... whatever's awaiting us in here." "Which begins with... lava. And lots of it." "But that's good, right?" "Well, normally, we'd burst into flame by standing too close, but good thing we're not following that kind of realism, huh?" "Oh, look. Mr. Rex and Mr. Dragon are having a chat." "Yeah. About how better to eat us, I bet." "This cave sure is blinged out, huh?" "The Switch ring? Are all my switch-related problems now finally over?" "Try 'S-witch'... whatever the hell that means." "Well... at least this ring is hip all over." "......." "What?! Oh, like that switch comment was comedy gold." "So, ice chunks plus lava equals water? I'm not sure it works quite like that?" "Tell that to the small rock floating in the bubbling pool over there." "DON'T LOOK AT IT, OR YOU'LL TURN TO STONE!" "So, if you put it in your pocket, will you blind your one-eyed snake?" "Well, he'll turn rock hard at least." "......." "What?!" "I'm just considering visiting your hometown after we're done with this." "When we do, please go sleep with your girlfriend, because I swear to God; if I have to listen to just ONE more of your 'that's what SHE said' joke variants, I'm going to throw stones at you until you die." "Um... this bridge seems kind of... brittle. We should probably not walk on it." "Well, it's not like we have much of a choice at the moment, so move on. It'll be fine." "Or not. But hey, if we hadn't done that, we couldn't reach the stairs over there." "It scares me to think this bridge was built to collapse in this manner. And every time the... uh, creatures who live here get a visitor, they have to rebuild the bridge so that it collapses in just the right way." "Right. Well, this doesn't look completely silly at all." "The stairs on top of the pillar... for when you just want to get a few steps up higher." "What's that down there." "Whoa, careful now, or we'll..." "OH GOD SWEET JESUS WE'RE ABOUT TO GET A MAGMA BATH!" "Well, that was scary." "And now we have to hookshot over more lava." "Let's waterboard this one." "Magmaboard?" "That sounds like an even worse idea." "No, you!" "No, you!" "No, you!" "No, you!" "No, you!" "No, you!" "No, you!" "No, you!" "No, you!" "No, you!" "SHUT UP!" "Maybe not, but that looks like quite the ordinary dragon to me." "Then again, maybe not. Wowza." "So, what does it do?" "Explosions, apparently." "I approve of this." "Well, if you're surrounded by various forms of fire, it pays to be original, I guess." "In that case, let's make it snow." "So, which one of you cast that spell?" "Not me. Probably Selan." "Nope. Arty?" "Um... no, it wasn't." "......." "Spooookyyyy." "Either way, we won." "MWAHAHAHAHA, ALL THE EXPERIENCE IS MINE!" "Yyyyeah, no it's not. All that goes into the shared experience pie, and there's ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE." "Of course you do. And did you do that when you told us to piss off as well?" "Aheh. Yeah, that was just..." "...you trying to feed the dragon some geriatric pie? Personally, I subscribe to stabs, but that's just me; a guy who wants to continue living." "You have no respect for your elders, do you?" "Nope. Thank the old guy in my hometown for that. Man, was he ever detached from reality." With the dragon defeated, the old man is saved. Finishing yet another good deed (culminating in many good dead), our heroes turn towards the elder whom they just saved. "Um...." "I'm not sure I like the look of that leery grin as he suggested dropping by his place for some... advice." "Well, at least he's not leering at you." "I now regret going for the number one elf fashion statement; tights." To be continued....
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Post by northlander on Mar 8, 2014 14:02:02 GMT -5
Chapter 26: The Ladies in the Water. "OK, so we're not entirely finished here. What's holding us up?" "You don't know?" "Loot, man. Loot." "One miracle? Well, that is totally worth it." "Oh, we're just getting started." "By... uh, getting back to where we started on this long trek? I didn't think you'd go at it quite so literally." "Well, this is new. So, where are we going, and why didn't we notice this before?" "Because you ain't got the look." "The look?!" "Yep. The look for loot." "......" "What?!" "And what would that be? Giving Guy some common sense?" "Making Maxim's balls drop?" "Making Guy appreciate his girlfriend better?" "Having humans make sense?" "Heeeey. "Stairs? That's not much of a trick, is it?" "Uh... I don't think that's it." "You sure?" "Pah!" "Well, either way, let's get this maniacal stair puzzle out of the way." "A block puzzle? That IS devious." "Come on. Don't be square." "......" "WHAAAAAT?!" "I am going to slap you so hard." "Well, we are on an urgent mission to find the Sinistrals and stop their... uh, sinister plan... but eh, I'm going to solve this if it takes me forever." "That's... not necessarily a good idea." "Don't sweat it. I'll have this done in a jiffy." "I'll believe that when I see it." "I... don't believe it." "HEEEY! You promised!" "Seeing really is believing, huh?" "That's what I thought at first, but..." "Oh, whatever. You'll come around eventually." "NO WAY! CYNICS FOREVER!" "Thank you. Indeed. I moved the stick until everything fell into place. Probably not. I will when Selan stops being such a grouch about this." "The middle one; I'm still wondering." "Who cares. Let's loot." "Oh, fine." "Oookay, let's see. Mega Shield!" "The big block! Check." "Holy Robe." "Holy diver. Check." "Legend helm." "It was, until we found it. Check." "Aaaaand... uh... Lizard blow?" "......" "I'm not touching that." "See, once I wield this sword, being a lizard is going to blow. Get it?" "And you people are giving me a hard time over MY jokes?" "Looks like we're not quite done yet." "S to the M, man. S to the M." "......" "...uh..." "This is just a human thing, nothing you need to wrap your mind around. This is just a human thing, nothing you need to wrap your mind around. This is just a human thing, nothing you need to wrap your mind around...." "Alright, last one." "Hidora rock? What does it go. Give us more heads?" "......" "OK, this is just getting silly. Can we drop the sex talk for a while? Please?" "What? What did I say?" "I'm never listening to you guys when you complain about my jokes again." "The mountain in the south has ALWAYS been quiet. It was the dragon inside of it that made the ruckus." "I don't think she meant that literally, Maxim." "It was also a volcano." "Hmm. Both are cranky and temperamental, and both of them vomit fire and explosions when they're pushed over the edge." "Oh, that is rich coming from you people. Could I ask you when you last left your freaking house?" "We are kids who have a kid. It's... kind of creepy when you think about it, huh?" "To elves, you all are kids." "Yes, thank you for sharing your snotty opinion." "Don't be a hater. You've got little enough left of your life as it is to waste on that." "Let's have a round of applause for Mister Sinister over here. Always ready with a few select words to bring everyone down." "I'm feeling just fine." "Of course you are." "Yes, I can see how this is such a secret that it only stays in this town. No blabbermouths to make sure it spreads to other towns." "And given how rumor-happy everyone we've met so far is, that's kind of amazing." "I hope that's the sword we're looking for, and not some kind of euphemism. I haven't forgotten that look you gave me back in the cave." "Ahaha, silly kid. Yes, of course it's about a sword. No, it's about THE sword." "....OK, I'll bite. Spill it." "....." "Ow." "Well, look who boarded the euphemism train now." "That's just random information, not a legend. You can't just spruce up a story by calling it a legend." "The elder of Chaed. Storyteller. Salesman." "Pervert." "Just because I like looking at peoples' butts...." "EWWWW!" "Is that a legend too? Or just another story?" "Starting to sound more like a newspaper to me." "And a scandal rag at that." "MERMAIDS REALLY EXIST! WE HAVE THE BLURRY PHOTOS TO PROVE IT!" "Aww, Crescent Island is sad." "It's Pac Man's hangover. If we head a little to the southwest, we will reach Porcelain Throne Island, I bet." "OK, so... we're basically entering his mouth and diving into his digestive tract?" "I can already imagine the front page of the next issue of Chaedology Monthly; Island swallows mermaids. We have the baseless theories that proves everything." "I wish Lexis was still here. I'd love to hear his thoughts on all of this." "Oh man, that's the sort of thing that keeps one up all night. Why did you have to go and say that?" "We arrived on a boat." "Which you can see just behind us. Is poor eyesight a mermaid trait or something?" "Whoa, Selan; you so rude." "Well, if patterns are to be believed, I'm sure these mermaids will have lots of good things to say about us humans." "I can't stop thinking that comment was directed at me." "See?" "Yeesh. Did we DO something to the mermaids or something? I'd like to know where this carte blanche permission to just heap on verbal abuse comes from." "Well, our pants are already wet, so..." "Yeesh, the water almost reach the top of the bed. I hope there's no tide or anything." "The glass of water near the bedstand is a nice touch, though." "Well, I wouldn't want to drink mermaid butt water." "Look who's all racist and stuff now." "Yep. Not so fun to be on the receiving end, is it?" "I bet old man Chaed wouldn't mind some mermaid butt, though." "We've seen several mermaid girls here. Wanna be more specific, even though you all kind of look the same?" "Blue hair must be some kind of curiously appropriate fashion statement down here." "Get straight to the point, why don'tcha?" "We wasted enough time in the big volcano cave, lootapalooza or not. Besides, I want me a good sword." "So, the ability you have is to ramble endlessly and make tenuous links of logic?" "OK, I get it. We need to be a bit less rude. Enough already." "Nonono. I don't have much time on this planet, so I need to make sure I get all of this out of my system before I go." "Touché; I guess." "Other than the sword, yes?" "What sights we'll see when we get there." "I smell a trap." "I smell a fight opportunity." "And I smell what the Rock is cooking." "She loves to... swim around that cave?" "You people don't get out very often, do you?" "Besides, if it's just a matter of water, she'll be fine inside for the time being." "Yeah. Anyone who takes the time and effort to actually leave their home town is probably fully able to look after themselves." "Yeah. Just because she's a Princess doesn't mean she's useless and needs rescuing all the time." "....oooookay, I'm getting second thoughts on the whole rescue thing now. That sounds like a bit much for one person." "Well, I guess we've still got some time to mount up a plan to do a rescue mission after all." "Or maybe not. Goddamn it!" *sigh* "So much for the damsel in distress thing. Now we've got two of them." "Well, the last time we rescued an old guy, so let's just leave it alone this time." "Oh, fine." "Oh God...." "Welp! Into the cornhole of the ocean we go." "YOU JUST HAD TO PUT THAT TO WORDS, DIDN'T YOU?!" "Humans..." "I guess this is what we'd call 'going against the flow'." "Or WITH the flow, but eh... who's keeping track?" "You. Far too often." "Except we do, but whatever..." "If I don't get to fight something big real soon, I'm going to run on this goddamn water." "Didn't we just fight a huge, explosion-spewing dragon not long ago?" "Yes, but I want more. MORE! MOOOOORE!" "I never thought about fighting as an addiction. That's... kind of worrying." "I think he's just being 'special'." "Will this do?" "Uh... well... I guess." "So, we're fighting a ship?! Damn it, if only we bought some woodsman axes..." "It even brought friends." "Well, if you can call flaming swords and skulls 'friends', then sure." "Storm clouds... they gather." "Well, it's... scenic." "All the better to slice and dice you with, grandma?" "EAT WATER DRAGON!" "So, who is the REAL water dragon; the one we cast or the one joining our fights?" "Maybe they're related?" "I... don't think so." "RELEASE THE... UH, BIG.. FLOATING BALLS!" "Did we really need the clouds for dramatic effect?" "Who cares? STABBY TIME!" "Stabbing a boat. Well... that'll sink it, I guess." "Well... now it really IS a ghost ship." "Not nearly enough. Let's ghost it up some more." "Possibly. I still kind of feel like a bully and an intruder, though." "All this fighting getting to you, Max? Just let it go and revel in it like I do." "Somebody seriously need to grow up here." "They did conveniently show up as soon as the fight was done, though." "Well, that's on par, I guess. Never mind that one of us isn't exactly keen on outsiders butting in on our fights." "And for once, the 'one of us' thing wasn't directed at me." "That's right, Mr. Martyr. It's not all about you." "Yeah, I can vouch for the 'can't do anything' part." "Story of MY life, and I'm training those suckers." "Yep, you're training them to... JUMP AROUND!" "HOUSE OF PAIN IN THE HOUSE, YO!" "...OF PAIN!" "It's like a Moebius strip of name comedy." "IT NEVER ENDS!" "You know, like Princesses that go swimming with the ghost ships." "Or little elf girls who steal plans instead of just informing the people in charge about a serious problem." "OK, OK, we get it." "You're not giving up on that, are you, Arty?" "Heck, no. I'm going to hold on to smug superiority as much as I can." "Well, that's one way of putting it. Then again, I never thought elves could be so racist, so... I guess that makes us even in a weird way." "Well... this WAS a watery dead end, so curiously enough, it's a good thing this happened. Even if we have to go rescue the Princess and her entourage. Again." "And the Queen. How often does THAT happen?" "I guess Queens aren't the rescuable type. Normally, at least." "Human laws are weird." "Um... that's not..." "We're diving into the hole inside the hole." "Let's not go there." "We aren't. We're taking the boat." "This better not turn into some kind of motorboating joke." "And it's a temple. Isn't that all kinds of convenient." "You know what that means." "Because they always are. And it's always about energy, because what else are we going to base our 'over 9000' jokes on?" "Yes, like those mermaids who... aren't really destroyed at all. They're still here, alive and well." "Not that they aren't trying their darnedest to get into trouble. Which actually puts them above the massive amounts of absolutely useless people in this world. And I'm not saying that you have to know how to fight or go adventuring. Just... doing anything other than standing in place telling us where we need to go." "Well... OK, maybe some of them got wasted." "Also, Selan, you're getting far too used to putting people to sleep to save them from dealing with... potentially fatal issues." "Yeah, maybe I should have kept that habit out of my training regiment back home." "....yes. You should." "Well, we got some asskicking to do, which is basically our role in life, it seems." "Stop complaining. It's fun." "We're the ones with pert bottoms and sleek, oily pecs." "...uh.." "Is THIS a human thing?" "Just kidding." "Someone is obviously a Cho Aniki fan." "Hey, don't blame that on me. You all were far too happy to join me on this. Especially you, Guy." "I didn't say anything." "So, what does the Queen have to say about this?" "I guess we'll never know." "Well, I had to stop her. She was going to head into the temple and face this evil." "We had to stop someone who was about to take matters into her own hands. I... wonder if this is the sort of attitude heroes like us have fostered over the years. No wonder everyone is so useless, then." "Hookay, it's not just an underwater temple, it's one we have to TELEPORT into. That's... fine, I guess. You guys ready?" "I was born ready." "You were also born naked. Does that mean you'll undress now?" "Har har. Your sense of logic never fails to make me wish I was NEVER born. Naked." "Something's... not right here." "I'll say. Someone forgot to put the light on." The sword of destiny near, our heroes pressed on. After all that jogging around, after all the random dungeons that added absolutely nothing, the Dual Sword was almost within our heroes' grasp. But first, they had to find the light switch. "Guh! What the..." "Turn it off, turn it off, TURN IT OFF!" To be continued....
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Post by northlander on Mar 16, 2014 12:43:53 GMT -5
Chapter 27: Tank You Very Much. "I think my reality just broke." "I think I'm going to throw up." "Apparently, there's a glitch in the matrix." "So, what the hell do we do now?" "Sorry, that was my sanity. I think it just snapped." "At least the sword looks... normal." "Let's go before we all start to warp around." "Yeah, it'd be a real shame if Guy's balls disappeared before we escaped." "Or if we exited, only to find out that Arty's head is now NOT up his own ass." "Haha, wow. He got you there." "Maybe so, but... OH MY GOD ARTY, YOUR HEAD IS GONE!" "So, how's the view? Do you need a good douche before we leave? Maybe the lubrication will make it easier for you to pull your head back out." "OK, you had your payback, Guy. Let it be now." "Enough? Oh, I'm sure I can come up with some more of that." "Can? Yes. Should? Not right now." "Are... you even listening to me?" "Don't think I'll give you too many freebies, elf needle." "Oh, for the love of...." "Guys, enough!" "Yeah, seriously. Enough. Shut up and listen to me for a change." "Um... who the hell are you?!" "D'OH!" "Well, first things first..." "Um... OK? And?" "It's ringing! Can't you see the importance of that fact?! RINGING!" "Well... yes, it does, but..." "...so what?!" "A sword should only make sounds when it cuts into something and not play Yakety Sax just because I whip it out." "Do we have any 'haste' spells? I think that melody would be really appropriate to that." "You guys are all idiots. You're the ones who are supposed to defeat us? I would never be able to live down that kind of shame." "Don't worry. You won't have to. Live, I mean." "See? If we DO defeat you, that means you weren't meant to rule squat. That's just how it goes." "As if that'd ever happen." "Oh, but it will. You might even say it's your destiny." "It is not!" "Is too." "Is not!" "Is too." "Is not." "Is too." "Is no-.. oh, shut up." "Au contraire, Daos; I AM an enemy without Dual Blade, because I don't have it in my possession yet." "....." "We'll be doing something about that shortly, though." "Then I'll be the 'no enemy WITH the dual blade'." "Um... that's actually enemy with, or, as he stated earlier, you'll be 'no enemy without Dual Blade'." "We're all for 'no enemies left behind', though." "He just HAD to prove us wrong, didn't he?" "Well... he was the one who left US behind, not the other way around, so it doesn't count." "That's right." "You two get prideful over the strangest things." "Well, semantics ARE important." "An island in the sky? Enough of your lies!" "What's with the comically theatrical voice, Max." "Sorry. It just sounded a bit silly, that's all." "And speaking of silly..." "Whoa, duuuude." "That's far out, man." "More like far up." "So because I took your sword, you're trying to kill me with comedy?" "Not quite, but that's a good idea." "Well, we haven't quite figured out how 'faith' and 'terror' fit together, but we can work something out. With lasers if possible." "Lasers?" "Yes, lasers." "Point taken." "point blank, more like." "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" "SHUT DOWN SHUT DOWN SHUT DOWN SHUT DOWN!" "Even though he's kind of out of our reach at the moment, but seriously; screw him." "Oh, lordy, now he's doing the 'can't touch me' taunts. Of all the childish..." "'AM I ANNOYING YOU? HUH? HUH?!'" "'IT'S A FREE WORLD!'" "What the hell are you doing?" "Oh, just making sure you know how much of a douche you are." "Well, we can always fly up there." "That's a super-swell idea, Maxim. One thing, though; HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?!" "Eh, I dunno. I know someone who might, though." "Well, it did spew laser death just moments ago, but outside of that, it looks kind of silly." "Yeah, it does. Who the hell gets intimidated by flying islands anyway?" *who indeed* "OH GOD IT'S A FLYING CITY! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE WHEN IT UNLEASHES LASER RAIN ON US ALL!" "What? No! What the hell are you on about now?" "Alex has always been a little weenie. That's what he gets for being under Luna's thumb all this time." *um... never mind* "But... but we're not space marines. And we didn'get our BFS either." "BFS?" "Yeah, Big F..." "WHOA NOW! LANGUAGE ALERT!" "...ing Sword." *whew* "Nice save." "Thank you." "It sounds a bit... unreliable." "Yes, that was what I was going to say." "And this from the man that once told us we could always rely on science." "Does that mean you didn't build the best engine you possibly could?" "Um... well..." "And just as I thought thing finally started making any sense. But sure, we get the warped temples, the ringing swords, the floating islands... everything." "I thought you said you were the best scientist ever? Now you spring this on us." "Actually, I only said I was a genius. I can't speak for whatever the idiots in town have been saying, though." "I... don't really remember. NEVER MIND! LET'S GO GET ENGINE!" "But if we're going to go there to get an engine, does that mean..." "That sounds like stealing." "Yeah, it's so much like stealing, it's... stealing." "Thank you, Mr. Sarcastic." "It was once the secret of the elves, but... monkey see, monkey do." "Well, it sure is OK to murder for world peace, so stealing should be a minor offense by comparison." "Would be hilarious if that meant we could just walk around inside people's houses and just take everything they have stashed away." "Hey, remember when we followed that traitorous douchebag into that dungeon?" "That's right. We had to follow him to get the ruby icon back. That was a ride." "Bridge got destroyed, though, so since we can't really swim, we have to find another way." "And there is always another way." "See?" "Not much, given the murky waters, no." "Are you going to start complaining about oil in the water now?" "No, there's no oil here, Mr. Greenpeace, but this ship did kick up a lot of dust from the sea bed." "I wonder if the people from Gratze care about their enviroment." "I guess we'll find out." "Yep, this is one bridge in pieces, alright." "Curiously square pieces. Is this a human thing?" "STOP SAYING THAT! THERE IS NO 'HUMAN' THING! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!" "Hmm. Your anger is highly illogical." "Give it a rest, Mr. Spock. Or you won't be living long or prospering." "She's 'hopping mad', am I right?" "Man, these people are going completely overboard with their dungeon carpets." "Red AND blue. I bet if we put on 3D glasses, this place would mess with our heads just as much as the sword shrine." "Oh. No dungeon this time around. I guess this'll be easier than we thought." "...um, or maybe not." "You just HAD to open your big mouth, didn't you?" "Hey, don't blame this on ME. They would have been out here even if I hadn't said that." "Who are you and when are you going to shut the hell up?" "By the way, I do believe you expressed disappointment about not getting the chance to experience a dungeon on your way here. We can help you with that." "Um... no, that's..." "...not what we had in mind." "Too many thieves?! Why would this place attract thieves anyway? Is there some kind of 'best engine ever' shortage all over the world or something?" "I mean... you kept quiet until now? Usually you'd jump at the chance to chew our heads off about something." "Well, I don't really see how things could get any more stupid already." "And I was wrong. How about that." "Not that I'm arguing that, but... how do you know these two?" "Well, they... dropped by our village some years ago, and.... you know what? Never mind. I don't want to relive that particular part of the whole ordeal." "I'll... uh, take your word for that." "Even though in this case, I kind of wish I could? Like... a lot?" "Is there something you're not telling us, Max?" "Yes, I am, and you can thank me for it later." "Wait, you haven't met them before, Guy?" "Well.... no." "Me neither." "Seriously? But how does that... were you alone when you met them, Maxim?" "No, Tia was with me. She's... uh, well, I guess you never met her. Nice girl. Very business minded." "I do believe they've forgotten all about us, Bart." "Right you are, Berty." "Do they always talk like that?" "Oh, you have NO idea." "They've barely spoken, and I'm already feeling some very... violent thoughts. Dark thoughts. Thoughts that include fists getting rammed down throats." "Been there." "I noticed you didn't add 'done that'." "Don't remind me." "I'm not sure how much more of this I can take." "Yeah. Being locked in with these two idiots has got to break SOME laws of the Geneva convention or something." "What the hell is a Geneva convention?" "I don't know, but someone should invent it. As soon as possible." "So... do we follow them, or... do we remain in here now that they're gone?" "I... uh, don't know. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW! OH GOD WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!" "We should... probably go. If the two idiots get caught, they're probably going to be placed right back in here." "That's... uncharacteristically intelligent thinking, coming from you. But you put my mind at peace, so... let's go. And... thanks." "Gratitude accepted." "Rrgh, don't be so smug about it, jerk." "You... you tried lifting it? A tank? I don't even know where to start here." "Well, we're here to steal an engine, which I'm sure weighs a ton too. Are we going to have some kind of 'who'll break their backs faster' competition or something?" "If only we brought Yakety Sax. We could use the double speed." "It would make for a hilarious heist." "Hm. We meet more soldiers. Do we fight this time, or do we just go to jail without protest, like last time?" "FIGHT!" "I knew you'd say that." "And you disagree?" "I didn't say that." "I wouldn't call getting captured 'knowing what you're doing', exactly." "It's part of our plan, as you welly well well should know." "STOP SAYING THAT!" "Oh, don't get your willy in a nilly, lady. We'll be banging our beats out pretty soon." "Can I kill them, Maxim? Please?" "I should say no, but...." "Pah! Two more than last time, but I have some stress to relieve myself of, so..." "Let's rock this casbah like it's never been rocked before." "Look who's coming up with stupid slogans now." "Ugh! I need to get away from those two as soon as possible. They're doing things to my head." "Yes, we can work welly well well. And we'll be on our welly well way now." "Please do. We'll... stay here for a while. I got some mental scrubbing to do before we nick that engine." "Ooh. 'Nick'. I like that. Thank you, lady." "You're an inspiration, lady." *sob* "I know." "......" "WHY?! WHY COULDN'T THEY HAVE HAD THE STUPID BEAT OUT OF THEM TOO?! IT'S NOT FAIR!" "Selan, dear... calm down. It's not worth it." "I know, I know. I just.... nrrrgh." "See? Here's three Gold Gorems. Let's defeat them." "It's not going to be enough. NOT ENOUGH!" "Someone's heading off to the dark side in a hurry." "Who knew two idiot thieves could be so dangerous." "The sad thing is; they're not even aware of it. Probably." "Well, since you're not the kind of girl to go for gold, how about some octopus balls." "Sure thing. Let's get a-kickin'." "I could go for a slice." "Mmmm. Skewers." "Well... I guess it's good that you're getting into this." "Heeey. You're not pink at all." "Quick. Poke them in the eye." "They're... they're staring at me." "And making kissy-faces to boot. That's going to follow me for a while." "Uh... and also, lions." "And some more gardening." "Oh my God, that's so cute." "They've got wings too? Didn't notice that right away." "Do we really need to kill them?" "Since when were you against the killing?" "But... but... look. Cute." "Guy, they're kind of attacking us. And not with quizzes, but claws." "And cute little fangs." "This must be Guy's first encounter with MOE." "OK, so... what now?" "Those aren't cute at all. Let's kill them as soon as possible." "That's the spirit.... you asshole." "What?! They're attacking us, aren't they?" "Well, that didn't stop you from begging for the Sphinxes' lives." "Just give it up, Selan. Guy's been hit by the stupid ray again." *sigh* "Oh God..." "I... think... they're here to keep an eye on us." "They're... staring." "Yep. That's pretty much all they can do." "Well, there's only one thing to do in a case like this." "Ow. Right in the eye. You assholes." "But... you're nothing BUT eye." "Yes. So?" "Urgh! Never mind. Again! In the eye!" "YOU BASTAAARDS!" "Who knew beings without a mouth could TALK so much." "If only 'Bart and Berty' was an attack I could throw at them." "What was that you said about the Geneva convention earlier?" "I DON'T CARE! THE EYE DIES!" "Um... they're already dead. And now you got the Basilisk to retread without a fight even. I don't know whether to be impressed or not." "And we have a.... key." "Basement key? That's... unnervingly normal." "Aren't we already IN the basement, though?" "Maybe they put the key down there in case people locked themselves in the basement." "And stupid is back. We missed you." "It was a good idea to hide the stairs under a pillar." "It was an even better idea to have a group of white dragons guarding it." "I wonder if there are any yellow dragons." "I don't even... want to know whether that was a serious question or if you're just trying to be juvenile." "Hm. Well, this is fun." "Max, don't forget your earlier lever addiction and rehab." "Right. We wouldn't want a fallback now, would we?" "The buckets. The buckets are free." "Hurry. Throw something into them." "Uh...." "That was your first thought?" "Um.... yes?" "So, did you throw up in the green bucket or the purple bucket." "Can I throw up in both?" "Aren't we greedy?" "You have a very weird way of thinking of greed." "Nothin' but the leeeevers." "Oh crap, Maxim's falling into it again. Help me out here, guys." "I wish I could, but he's hogging all the special equipment." "That's what she said." "......" "What?!" "Hmmm." "Maxim, this needs to stop. You need to let go. Ideally when that pillar over there is in an upright position. And if you say 'that's what she said' again, Guy, I will kill you." "That's w-... uh..." "So the monkey doth listen?" "Oh, shut up." "We have many miracles now." "Give them to Guy, because Lord knows he needs them." "I do NOT! I already have a girlfriend." "Amazingly enough." "OK, what the hell is this?" "Some kind of code?" "Push the buttons in a particular order, maybe? It couldn't possibly be as annoying as that grass thing we dealt with earlier." "Oh. The button just sends the platform to the open area if one is nearby. That's... kind of boring." "But at least relatively unproblematic." "And we are up in... this kind of room again." "If there are any guards this time around, we just fight 'em." "I hate to admit it, but I do agree." "Nobody? Boooooring." "I don't know about that. Look over there." "Those two? Uh oh, I hope they're not talking about who I think they're talking about." "Well, then... we'll just wait a little, until the target practice is done. Problem solved." "That's uncharacteristically evil of you, Lady Selan. Even if I admit it'd solve us a lot of headaches in the future." "Not to mention bad slogans and accents." *sigh* "Fine! Let's just..." "Because our party comes with a lot of punch. Get it? Punch?! Like... with our fists?" "YESIGETITYOU'REVERYCLEVERTHANKYOUVERYMUCH!" "Wait, they call you that over here too?" "YES, AND IT'S YOUR STUPID FAULT!" "How is that MY fault?" "Because you CALLED ME THAT WHEN WE FIRST MET THEM, YOU IDIOT!" "Of course we are. You have six knights and one tank. Sure, the tank is an unknown as of yet, but we've eaten six knights for breakfast several times." "You can throw in the redheads too, if you like." "And the tank engine too, but that's a given at this point." "Your tank to my face? Who the hell speaks like that?" "Five year olds, mostly. And Guy." "So, basically... five year olds." "Heeey. Even five year olds get their feelings hurt, you know." The engine finally within their grasp, our heroes ponder their next step. Should they do a snatch-n-run, or should they just go for the full nelson. "Well... someone is clearly compensating here." "Shut up, you! Now take blast to face and die!" "That's what she-.." *GLARE* "...yikes! Never mind." "......" "Look. All of his barrels went limp." "Must... not... To be continued....
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Post by northlander on Mar 22, 2014 11:44:03 GMT -5
Chapter 28: The Triforce Island Tower Hopping Crusade. "Well, let's whip out the big guns on this... uh, big gun." "I'm going to fry his ass." "Um...." "Wait for what? We got the engine we wanted, so I seriously doubt we'll be seeing you again." "Daaaamn yooooou!" "Yeah, stretch your words out as much as you want. You know it's true." "This can't be aaargh? Well, I didn't think that was what the castle was called, but what do I know?" "I guess they replaced the monster that died because the artist had a sudden heart attack." "Yeah, but... with a tank?" "Well... sure." "So, basically, he's about as destructive as the Sinistrals?" "On a more limited scale, yes. I'm not so sure one should be impressed about being able to blow up one's own place, though." "I can do that without explosives." "Um... guys? Place exploding around us?" "I know. Isn't it exciting?" "Exciting?! I just... never mind. Let me just..." "What? You mean those two idiots that nearly drove me out of my damn mind with their goddamn slang?" "Well... yes?" "Urgh! Does it make me a bad person if I hope they DIDN'T make it?" "I'm afraid so." *sigh* "OK, it's not like I want anyone to die, so.... does it make me a bad person if I at least hope they got... non-lethally maimed?" "....I can live with that." "Yeah. We almost got non-lethally maimed." "I wonder who'd wish something like that on us, boss." "Just as well. Wouldn't want any competition now, would we?" "Nope. Welly well, let's just cross this bridge, and... oh, poopie." "Ah... maybe we should cut down on the whole 'welly well' thing. It does sound kind of stupid." "...yeah, I guess. Anyway..." "You took it off his head?" "Nah, he had it stashed away." "Given how hostile he was, it must've been up his butt." "Huh huh, yeah. He was so tight-assed, he probably poops diamonds." "Which city?" "Eh, I dunno. Any city. Well, except the one that just blew up. That was a pretty boring place anyway." "I do believe we had the crowning moment of glory, though." "I... cannot fault that logic. Or pun." "I guess Lexis lost his Mabel." "......" "Oh God...." "That's... scientifically inhumane." "Just a couple of years." "YEARS?!" "Just kidding. Anyway, get out of our sight. We've got work to do, and you're getting in the way." "No respect. No respect at all." *an unspecified amount of time later* "Well, I can't argue the flying thing, but a ship that can swim in the sea? Isn't that kind of what being a ship is all about?" "Don't be a hater. The design of the boat is science upon itself." "Yeah... well... let's just get boatin'." "Yeah, that goes without saying." "I'd say it's about 50 percent us doing stuff, and 50 percent everyone else NOT doing stuff. But you already know that." "We should go to where Doom Island is, then." "Yes, something needs to be done about Doom Island." "Do you think the people on Doom Island are planning anything sinister?" "They're from Doom Island. It goes without saying." "You guys just want to say Doom Island out loud, don't you?" "I resent that statement. Only people on Doom Island would say something like that." "Look who's joined the Doom Island brigade." "Doooooom Islaaaaaand, mouhahahahahaaaa..." "And where can he be found?" "Why, on Doom Island." "Alright, that's enough wisecrackery from you. Off you go now." "Um... this is..." "Welcome to TriForce Island." "We're finally getting some real ultimate power, huh?" "And by 'disaster', they mean 'laser beams'." "They sure are super, alright." "Also, you're calling yourself secluded as if that meant something. This town is just like any other, where people never leave. The only difference is that we needed to attach a balloon to our boat to get here." "Um.... why?!" "I guess he's our next questgiver." "Yeah, I guess it's just me having a bit of a problem dealing with the elderly. They're all kind of weird." "We've yet to meet any good ones, though. Every one we've met so far have all been about ruining cities." "And about spouting stupid macho BS." "Yeah. I'm the Lord of stupid macho BS here." "Won't argue that." "That better not be your wandering hands, dude." "Is that a bit of envy I hear, Guy?" "Well, I can't explain what's going on inside your head, but I feel we should move on." "Because." "That's it, huh?" "Well, how the hell should I know? All I know is that they're here to wreck stuff, and we have to stop them. Oh, if all life was so easy." "I take it you're the elder? Are you going to make me go through lame dungeons and flip levers?" "Oh, no no no." "Um... yeah, I'm a little creeped out over how identical the three of them look." "I didn't ask YOU. Now shut up for a second." "Ah, the condescending tone. I've been missing that. You really are like the elder back at Elcid." "Good thing we dropped by, then, I guess." "Well, then, my good man. Tell us what we need to do." "Break a seal? I don't condone animal cruelty, you know." "Not that kind of seal. Were you raised in a remote village or something?" "As the matter of fact, I was." "You're one to talk, by the way. Is this an 'old coot' thing?" "So now it's time to go get those armor pieces and put them to use against the super beings that gave them to us." "Or their relatives. So is the folly of being a villain, I guess." "Oh, really? It's a key, isn't it?" "In a sense." "Thanks, but I don't need a harem." "Speak for yourself." "You guys are all perverts." "Says the old guy who's been keeping a trio of nubile ladies to do his bidding up until this point under the guise of training them to be obedient to the superior beings." "....." "And that ended up sound much more terrible spoken out loud than in my head." "Yes, it did." "So there IS key-based stuff going on here. So... do I bring you up to the top of the tower and jam you into a huge hole?" "Can... can I borrow your bathroom for a second?" "Can you stop being so incredibly gross?" "And these are supposed to be our saviors." "You did, did you? Was it just in case we came stumbling in? That's a pretty big chance to take." "Yeah, well... there's not much else to do in this godforsaken place." "And we're about to make it Sinistral-forsaken as well. Then there'll be even less to do." "Eh, once that is completed, we'll get the hell out of there." "Anyway, before we go, let's go through our little pet collection. We've been spending so much time building those guys." "OK, so ol' foamy is now a nine-tailed fox. Can't say I saw that one coming." "There's a unicorn. That one's my favorite." "If only Tia was here to hear that." "We have at least two types of dragons." "And a centaur and a phoenix. Pretty sweet, I'd say." "Not sure what to make of the fish guy with the human butt and legs. Someone obviously drew the short straw when it came to master forms." "Well, anyway, let's take the nearest tower. Save the balloon trips for later." "Oh, poo. My sisters get to have all the fun, huh?" "Well, I have to say this is pretty unique." "Let's see if you'll say that the second and third time." "He's... uh, keeping an eye on us." "So, do we poke them in the eye, or do we take our time and enjoy this?" "Well... laser-related death awaits the cities out there, so I think we should save the pleasure cruise for later." "You noticed how they keep calling some enemies 'big', 'huge', 'mega' or other size-related superlatives, yet they're never really bigger than the regular versions?" "Well, which name do you think is the most intimidating? Staff Sargeant Max Fightmaster or Weenie McPeeinhispants?" "There can be no better name than Fistmaster Knucklepuncher." "That's... kind of limiting his options, isn't it?" "I always knew that our saviors might differ a bit from our expectations, but I have to say I never expected you all to be so weird." "Well, at least the view's nice up here, but it seems like the trees never get any smaller, no matter how much we ascend this tower." "Maybe it's the Leaning Tower of Triforce Island or something." "No no no. This island has a circular pattern inside the triangle. It's totally not a copyright breach." "Pfft. Doorway guardians." "It's a... leech? That sounds kind of unintimidating, doesn't it?" "Let's nick their balls." "......" "Selan, ewww. Or rather, owww." "I meant the green, glowing ones." "My poor green glowing balls." "Look. The she-yeti is back." "What's the official thunder color anyway? I'd think white would symbolize ice or snow instead, but maybe that's just me." "Ice and snow? What's that?" "Hell if I know." "We're missing an element in this world? That is intolerable." "Not to mention we can still cast magic made up of said element. Maybe it was lost to the ages or something." "I never expected an elf to say someting as flippant as 'or something'." "Well, at least we're getting somewhere... higher up." "Oh, fine. We are getting a different perspective now. I take it back." "Yeah, your head is in the clouds, Maxim." "All our heads are in the clouds." "......" "Something wrong, Keymaster Bluehair?" "No, I just.... OH GOD LET US REACH THE TOP SOON!" "Looks like you got your wish, lady." "Oh, thank the heavens." "Or this pentagram on the ground here." "NO! We go for the stairs right away." "Well, excuuuuuse me, Princess." "I'm not a Princess either." "Oh, look. It's our good buddy Gades. While you admittedly whupped our ass the first time we met, we did kick yours in return later. And unless you've become significantly stronger since the last time we met, you might want to reconsider trying to fight us." "SHUT UP! Things will be totally different this time around." "Yeah, this time, you really might be able to drive our Mercedes." "What's a Mercedes?" "Eh, I dunno. Just something he said." "Um... but it already happened. That's why he said it." "Oh, fine. I'll let it happen, then." "What the hell are you talking about? What is going on?" "THIS! THIS IS GOING ON!" "Well... I guess you haven't improved at all." "Gades... buddy, that's... kind of pitiful." "SHUT UP! Your... your... attack didn't.. ouch ..hurt much either." "Well, in that case, let's pile on some more." "Good idea. Also, my turn." "Aaaargh! HOW CAN THIS BE?!" "That's your last words, buddy? A line from The Villain's Big Book o' Clichés?" "SHUT UP! AND CURSE YOU!" "Erim sounds like a female name, though. Hmmmmm." "I wonder who that could be." "Are they being all sarcastic now?" "Who knows?" "I don't think that's going to work. We have no blasters." "No, I meant that as an expression of... why am I the one who has to explain stuff to you? I thought I was supposed to be the dumb guy." "So did I." "It's an armor that blasts stuff?" "No, I meant... gah! Just stand over there, already." "I can't walk midair, silly." "I DON'T CARE! GO GET THE NEXT SISTER NOW!" "OK, OK, yeesh." "I heard her screaming from here." "Uh... yeah... about that..." "And please be quick about it." "Um... sure." "Well... this looks kind of familiar." "Yeah, all three towers look the same. Get used to it." "Couldn't you at least color-cycle it a bit? You know, spruce it up a little?" "Yes, let's all just dispense with the dignity of holiness so we can 'spruce things up' for you artistically picky people out there." "Hey! You haven't been trudging around this samey world for days and weeks on end, so you don't get to judge me!" "At least the key is moving around on its own this time around. Or her own, I should say." "Are you the gatekeeper? Because we have the keymaster." "Well... one of them anyway." "I think I can understand what got my sister up to such a screaming frenzy." "Nosferato? BOOOOORING!" "Next, please." "Wh... heeeey, give me a chance. C'mon. CHAAAAANCE!" "The... the cuteness... it's driving me into a coma." "It's the counting sheep spell. So fiendish." "Well, that was... mostly unpleasant." "But so cute." "Good thing I was around to slap your stupid faces, huh?" "So speaks a holy person." "But how can someone who dresses so faaaabulously ever be annoyed?" "Also, we haven't actually defeated you yet, so please don't be a disappointment now, OK?" "Well, let's waste no time, then. Taste my ultimate attack!" "......" "Was that it?" "Um.... yes." *sigh* "Another disappointment." "Well, let's waste no time ourselves then. We should return the favor." "Gah! Wait a second..." "Ow, you dinks! That really hurt." "That definitely didn't come from the evil overlord's cliché'd phrases handbook." "More like the handbook of whiny children's phrases." "Let's get this over with, so that our last sister can take her part of the suffering." "That's mean." "Emphasis on 'quickly'." "Yeah, yeah." "Your request is loud and Clare." "YOU DIE NOW!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, Clare. We need to be seeing the bigger picture here." "Grrr! OK, just... fine!" "SSSH! LET'S SNEAK QUIETLY BY THIS DRAGON WHILE ITS BACK IS TURNED!" "Gah! What the.... quiet." "That's our Guy. Always hankering for a fight." "They're all a bunch of psychopaths. I think I understand now why I can feel such waves of anger from the two of them." "He's looking at us." "He's going to be a horn in our sides, isn't he?" "I could have headed up there in advance. I could have managed by myself, but nooo...." "Gorgon? Isn't this kind of the exact opposite?" "Well... yes, I believe a Gorgon is a snake lady with snakes for hair, not a huge bull guy with an axe to grind." "Maybe he'll GORGE ON us when he kills us." "Please make it quick. I don't know how much more of this idiocy I can take." "As you ordered." "Thank God I was the last one, I guess, since you're less likely to fool around and take the scenic route with this." "Yes, poor Lisa." "Not this guy again." "Must be some kind of seniority thing. He always gets the prime spot, doesn't he?" "I wonder who we were supposed to meet up here. Erin or Daos?" "Hell if I know."At least we can just grab the item immediately instead." "Nicer words were never spoken." "ALL BOW TO ROUNDY MCBLOCKSHIELD!" "May he save you from unwanted sword strikes." "If anyone even uses those anymore. Looks like most of our encounters are magic-based these days." "Does that mean there is such a thing as wanted sword strikes? That's just weird." "WILL YOU MAKE YOUR MOVE ALREADY, EVIL?! I'M ABOUT TO LOSE MY MIND HERE!" With the three sacred items in hand at last, the next move is in evil's hands. What will they do? How will their plans unfold? What evil words will be spoken? "Yes, I am well equipped and ready to dole out punishment to evil." "There will be spanking." "Which is exactly what a bad, bad boy deserves." "I feel so unclean. No showers can rectify this defilement." To be continued....
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Post by Solana on Mar 22, 2014 15:47:30 GMT -5
Yay for the return of the lever addiction!
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