Let's Play Lufia 2: Rise of the Sinistrals

[northlander]

Chapter 8: Welcome to Humble Hour.




"That's... bad."
"Yeah. I mean... given how useless anyone else around here is, I don't necessarily think it's spectacular, but... bad."
"Are we... going somewhere with this?"



"Eeh, that's still nothing. I could probably easily wreck the city I came from, since the others can't fight... like, at all."
"Ahem!"
"Well, except for Tia. She's a master of the frying pan."
"And the whip, let me remind you."
"Well, this sure turned kinky in a hurry."



"You know, like I was going to do the last time, before you undermined the authority you vested in me in the most sexist of ways. May I hope you've learned from this?"



"I guess not."
"So... wanna be in charge this time around?"
"Now you're starting to sound like the King too."
"Groovy."



"Well, the reason our soldiers continue to be useless is because they never get a chance to gain some goddamned experience! You know, I've been trying to do something different with those guys instead of the constant spars, but you keep sending me off alone and, apparently, also now sending me with random people who just arrive in our town."
"Hey."
"Yeah, no offense, Maxim; I did enjoy our little trip together, but it's people like you and me who keep our soldiers from rising above the level of wimp."
"Point. I do have some ulterior motives this time, though."
"Whatever, oh, all knowing one. Let's just take it outside."



"That is one kind of destiny."
"It's the fun kind."
"I would question that, but since I live in a town with a crazy King, I'll just go with the flow. And now I'm depressed."



"How the hell I actually managed to be in the middle of a fight as a child is another thing, but let's not dwell on that. This world isn't quite THAT dark, right?"
"It's all unraveling at the seams, isn't it?"



"I wouldn't exactly say that, but our King seems dead set on turning me into some waif, so... command me, oh Lord. Put me in my place. Order me to get to the kitchen and make you a damn sandwich. I am Stepford and you are Gor."
"You're acting creepy, that's what you are doing. I told you that you could take command this time around. I honestly don't really care."
"I think I need to get out of this place. It's driving me insane."
"And we will. But first? We got ourselves some treasure to claim."



"...holy wings? I... think that's for you, Selan."
"What kind of... fetishy outfit is this? Did the King have this made for... oh, Christ, talk about abuse of powers."
"Yeah, it's... literally a bra with wings mounted on the back."
"Oh, but it offers such good protection, I'm sure."



"I'll say."
"Well, given that a village got destroyed, I think it's safe to classify it as 'bad'."
"I wonder if me being happy about getting to leave this damn place due to said event makes me a bad person."
"Normally, I'd say 'yes', but... we've met your King, so you deserve some leeway there."



"So you're going to have to handle it yourself if the boys are being mean to you again."
"But remember, don't cry. Because your tears are much too special to be wasted on boys who merely like you but don't really know how to express that yet."
"I... uh, really said that, didn't I?"
"Yes, you did. But... again, we met your King. You got some leeway, girlfriend."
"...yeah, I'm also less angry about this now."



"Well, someone destroyed the whole freaking place, so... how much worse can it get?"



"Oh God, it's much worse than we thought. There's... there's only a brownish square left."
"Um... that's... not where Gordovan used to be. Or ever was, really."



"Are you Gordovan? Who are you?! What did you do?!"
"Um... Maxim?"
"Eh, it's nothing, Selan. He does this when he's bored."
"....right. I usually solve that by roughing up the soldiers, but everyone's gotta have a hobby, I guess."



"Why does... everyone know where everything goes? It's always this and that to the west or north or whatever."
"Well, how else would we know where to go?"
"Um... by exploring?"



"Aw, crap. See, Tia? The title of lady traveller is already taken. You have to go home now and wait your turn."
"Yes, the lady traveller has been kidnapped. Who can face such a strong man now?"
"We must call for Lady Warrior and Friends. They can handle it."
"It's nice to see y'all taking this destruction seriously."



"Maybe he just hates cheap housing."
"He's working for the competition in the housing market?"
"Or maybe someone never really grew out of that school bully role."



"Yeah, these people sounds like they're worth rescuing."
"Man, what assholes. Don't they know that they should always rescue women when they're in trouble? It's the damsel in distress law."



"Aaaand it's a tower. Again."
"Go easy on me, guys. This is totally my first tower climb here."
"That's why you should have bought my book; Tower Climbing for Noobs."
"Step 1: Find the freaking key. Step 2: Open the freaking door. Step 3: Kill the freaking boss."
"Step 4: Profit!"



"Well, I guess it makes sense that they lock up places so that anyone can't just waltz into the place and rob it blind."
"Except nobody lives here, do they? So how dare they hog all that sweet-ass treasure?"
"Do the words 'private property' mean anything to you guys?"



"Doben the Doberman. That sounds like children's TV."
"Pretty dark children's TV, wouldn't you say?"
"What's this 'TV' you're talking about?"
"....."
"....."
"Dunno."



"The orcs are really branching out, aren't they? We've met all kinds on our way to climb every single tower, dungeon and temple in this world."
"Don't forget the sewers."
"Perish the thought."
"Sewers?"
"Yeah, the whole crown thing we talked about earlier."
"Which was disgusting in so many ways."
"Yeah, scientists are still working on the whole sewer technology thing."



"Oh my God, who designed this room?! Was it a collaboration between Escher and Picasso?"
"I think I can feel a migraine coming on."



"Well, it was all worth it, because this short platform came down. From a... position where it wouldn't be of any use?"
"And even if it wasn't there, it's a distance we could easily jump."
"We can jump?"
"Well, no, but that's not the point."
"Selan can jump, though. Constantly."
"Ah, that's right. Constantly, even."
"Hey! This better not be a slight on my training methods."
"I'm just glad this game doesn't have any jiggle physics."



"OK, we will apparently not be crossing over here. Yet."
"What the hell is this anyway?"



"Good question, even if this wasn't really what you meant."
"So, is this... scorpion a part of a bigger scorpion?"
"And he's supposed to be red too."
"...uh, wow, I guess."
"Oh, you girls and your horoscope silliness."
"Well, I'm expecting at least a little bit of accuracy, that's all I'm saying."



"You know, I see this, and the first thing that comes to mind is putting that pot on a switch and only walking on the light tiles. Am I off here?"
"Gordovan; for people who thinks tower riddles need more children's games."
"They could at least have put some REAL lava in there."
"Guy, if they did that, we would burst into flames just by walking beside it."



"Well, we should probably easily be able to just walk past this... slug thing, but we're not going to do that, are we?"



"Evil shell? What makes that shell so evil, and why isn't the slug just taking it off if it's so evil?"
"Who cares? I'm just hankering for some red lobster right now."
"Mmm, luxury food."



"That there's holes in the floor? OK, but it's kind of pointless when we can't really jump down them. Or fall down or whatever."
"It's the 'no jumping' clause in our contract."
"Kind of like that 'no clipping' thing in Doom, huh?"



"Just like everything else?"
"Yep. Like arrows and bombs. Well, probably bombs anyway."



"That's not a hook at all. That's a throwing knife with a chain attached to it."
"Hey, as long as it gets us over chasms and holes, I don't care if it looks like a sex toy with a chain attached to it."
"Ew."
"Can we please not put any innuendo into this?"
"Why? Does it make you hopping mad?"



"I REGRET NOTHING!"
"HOLD ON TIGHT, EVERYONE!"
"Do we have to get this close and intimate each time we hookshot ourselves over anything?"
"Well... yes."
"Well, I'm not complaining about that, but next time, I want to hold on to a girl while doing so. In fact, the very best way would be holding on to one while the other one holds on to me."
"Yeah well, dream on, buster."



"Phlargh! We need to find another key, don't we?"
"And this is a surprise to you?"
"No."



"OK, this room looks vaguely familiar somehow."
"It's the boob room with the happy nipple."
"It looks more like a creepy eye to me, but then, I'm not a pervert."
"Boing."
"You don't care if I think you're a pervert, do you?"
"Nope."
"Curses."



"A switch, huh? Good thing we didn't just JUMP those spikes. Or step down between them, which would have been very possible."
"Well, it's a good thing we didn't, because we had to raise that ladder to get all the way to the top."
"You could almost say we had to get a rise out of it, right? Eh? Eh?"
"....."
"....."
"You suck."



"And now we have several kinds of mages."
"Apparently, orcs don't make for very good ones, though."



"Wait, so the boob room is an elevator?"
"It's an EYE room."
"Psh. Men."



"So... who needs a miracle?"
"I'd say Guy needs one if he's ever going to get married."
"Um... actually, he's maybe the only one among us who IS engaged to marry in the future, so... yeah."
"Seriously?"
*sigh* "Yes, sadly, it's true. And just be glad you didn't witness that conversation between him and his sister."
"Which you took part in, and even got me involved in even though I didn't want any part of that."
"OK, fine. I'm sorry about that."
"Erm... what?"
"You don't want to know. Probably."



"Come to think of it, why are there ascension points outside of the tower? Did they run out of places due to all the riddly stuff to make place for indoor ladders?"
"Good question. This place even has an elevator."
"I guess it doesn't go to the top floor."
"The right words from the right man."
"Heh."



"Yes, I have no idea what this room is about. It's like the biggest bait ever."
"Or just busywork. So, what happens if we click that switch and change all those other switches around?"



"And now we can... ENTER!"
"Should we read that sign first, though?"
"Nah!"



"Wind key. I'd say you TURN a key, not wind it, but whatever."
"Maybe it's a key used to wind up a... I dunno, music box or something?"
"Yyyyeah, no. Pattern says we have to use this key on that door that's locked."
"Well, let's make haste, then, by drinking this potion and get to the door post-haste."



"Well, if we don't have a door, we should make one."
"You da bomb."



"There it is. Eagle Rock."
"It's only a model."
"Ssssh."



"Yes, 'used wind key'. Sounds like another really neat euphemism for 'farting'."
"I opened the storm gates."
"I released the wind demons."
"Selan!"
"What?!"
"You're a girl. That's just inappropriate."
"Pfft. It's hilarious."



"OK, we are being attacked by mushrooms again."
"Again?"
"Yes, well... they were... uh, not BIG mushrooms, so they were basically the same size as these."
"...right."
"It's a pattern. I've gotten used to it."



"And we're back in the boob room."
"IT'S NOT A BOOB ROOM! IT'S AN ELEVATOR!"



"Finally at the top. Let's just get this damn thing over with so we can get back."
"And then we can move on to the next dungeon we have to do."
"After moving on to the next city."
"You guys forgot all about the guy who destroyed a whole city, didn't you?"
"No, but seriously, how tough can he be?"



"Well, we're about to find out. And he even rolled out the red carpet."



"Someone let one loose here."
"Maybe he turned the wind key."
"Or there's a toilet behind that door."



"I sure did, and all it took was some godly flatulence."
"What the... have I entered poop joke hell?"
"You have seen or heard nothing yet. And it's time to wipe the floor with you. Or my ass."
"But why did you destroy the city?"



"That's... not really an answer."
"Cry me a river. In fact, let me give you a reason to cry right away."



"God damn it, why are you... like, ten times our size?"
"You're even standing behind us."
"Perspective is fun."
"You think so? Well, allow me to hand you some more of that."



"Urgh... one hit and I'm down."
"I hate fights I'm supposed to lose."
"Guys, I'm... don't leave me alone standing."
"Well, you are the only one with more than 300HP, bastard."
"Hey, don't hate the non-wussy playas."



"Well, that was really embarrassing."
"And in case you thought it was fun to survive the first attack; a fat lot of good that did when the designated healer went down."
"You guys seem OK. I guess it's a good thing he didn't REALLY want to kill you."



"You KNOW who I am, Maxim. We've met before."
"Yes, well, I'm just surprised to see you each time after something relatively big happens."



"Well, not that this tower is crumbling or anything, or that we're in any immediately peril, but... uh, thanks anyway. So, how about some answers?"



"And you bought that?"
"Well, yes and no. Fighting is the only thing I can do, so I gotta do something to feel important, right?"



"Cool. Let's go, then."
"Yey, I'm important too."
"OK, I'm feeling silly now."



"Oh really? Well, then, join the club."
"I guess that means we won't be getting any sensible ones any time soon."



"OK, that's relatively sensible, I guess."



"Like how that bitch didn't mention ME. I'm not important, huh?"
"Uh... right."



"OK, scimitar? Fine and all, but... 'block shield'? Isn't that the freaking point of having a shield at all?"
"It's a shield made of a block... I guess?"



"I... I'm not quite sure, but there's something oddly symbolic about this mark on the floor somehow."
"Beats me. For some odd reason, I feel like I should have seen it before, but... I haven't."


With our heroes facing their first defeat, they worry about the fate of the world. If they aren't strong enough to defend it, what chances will it have? How much more will they have to level? And what will the people at the town of Gordovan have to say about this?



"I... yes, you can RELAX now. The guy blew away a whole city and we couldn't even defeat him, but sure.... relaxing seems like a nice course of action. Knock yourselves out. Or let me do it for you! Gnaaargh!"
"Dude, calm down."
"I just got my ass handed to me and found out that I'm a sore loser. Don't tell me to calm down, damnit!"
"We all got our asses handed to us. Stop being such an 'it's all about MEEEE' wet cloth about this."


To be continued....

[northlander]

Chapter 9: Bridge under troubled borders.




"Well, given that every single building here is completely smashed, I'd say so. Fortunately, nobody was killed, right? And only one woman was kidnapped?"
"And she was an outsider to boot, so I'm sure she wouldn't have contributed squat if asked, right?"



"Eh, it doesn't sound THAT terrible."
"I think he meant terribly dangerous."
"Ooooh yeah. Yeah."
"Iceland! Iceland sounds good right about now."
"We can go visit Erik Njorl and read his saga."



"Yes. Especially since that wasn't the first time."
"She's the hollaback girl of this world."



"But never unarmed."
"That's more of a 'cause and effect' explanation, though, isn't it?"
"Yeah, well... you know, that old 'something something spin wool' thing."
"No idea what you're talking about."
"All I'm saying is this: with all of these useless twits about, it's no wonder I learned how to fight."
"Now THAT I can relate to."



"I don't know about you, but I would put him in the most solid, escape-proof cell in the castle."
"Asshole wrecked a whole town, though. Is there a jail that can hold him?"
"A coffin?"
"We might need to train some first, though. Last time we met, he almost put US in a coffin."



"It's all about you, isn't it?"
"No, I... what?"
"Oh, look at me; I am a woman and I overestimated my ability. Oh my oh my oh my."
"I... don't know if you're poking fun at me or at everyone in this damn castle."
"You could always give me the benefit of the doubt, you know."



"Oh, look who's being sarcastic now."
"And the King didn't pick up on it either."



"What?!"
"Well, then you should return immediately."
"Bye bye."



"Gades can wait."
"I don't think he's going to, though."
"Eh, it'll be fine."
"But..."
"GO SEE YOUR SISTER ALREADY!"



"That's... a rather vague statement. Who's helping who? Both? Neither?"
"Maybe it just means we'll continue to walk around talking to people and doing battles. You know, just another day on the job."
"Hunting keys...."
"Maybe we should've created a key counter or something."



"You DID notice she was talking to me too, right?"
"Yeah, but unlike me, you kind of have a career going."
"Oh, I'm sure I can live without the King passing important missions past me and on to random strangers who drop by for a visit for a while."
"True, but with you gone, who'll protect these people?"
"Well, that's... um... a good question."
"Well... let's just call it a 'good opportunity to gain some actual experience'."



"You use a sword?"
"Well... yes."
"That's odd. Your battle anim.. uh, I mean... it looks like you're holding a wand or a staff... or maybe a mace or a club."
"Well, that's because they can't make a sprite for each different weap.. uh, I mean... I dunno."
"Aaanyway, you know... you gotta have awesome powers."
"Yep! Awesome powers are where it's at."
"Not to mention awesome weapons."
"Yes, we are certainly not lacking in awesome."



"So, how much is left? 5%? 10?"
"I'll put you at 7,235 remaining, but only because you're good people."
"Sweet. The increased payment rate is paying off. Maybe after one more dangerous mission...."



"And now that we've cleared out the tower itself, we can pass."
"Funny how that works."



"There's our next town."
"Now if only we could enter and talk with people without being asked to-.. DAMN IT!"
"North cave, huh? Maybe we should start some kind of betting ring; make things a bit more exciting. We can bet money on whether our next dungeon will be a tower, temple or an underground cave. And we can also take bets on the direction."
"Let's hear it from the businesswoman."
"You know it."



"Actually... they're both behind me. Which isn't a statement from me about women's place in the whole system, by the way."



"Ugene needs to be careful with that axe, that's what I'm saying."
"Well, let's just hope he doesn't try to hatch it with a hatchet. His chances of a happy ending would be cut short."
"It will quite literally be axed."



"Well, I guess we have no choice now."
"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it."



"Oh, really?"
"Well, we ARE missing a fourth party member right now."
*mutter* "Preferably someone who would take Selan away."
"What was that?"
"Oh, nothing."



"I've heard about the need to build a bridge so you can cross water, but this has got to be the first time I am going to see a bridge UNDER the water."



"Would that be because you just got here? I imagine that as long as the bridge was OK, you would remain safely in town."
"Elementary, my dear Maxim."



"Oh well, nothing to do but partake in some good, old-fashioned cave genocide."
"You're going to kill all the caves? You monster!"
"Well, better them than me. And if we get them all, we won't have to go dungeon-delving again, right?"
"True... true..."



"Maxim, the easily amused."
"The stake on the riverbank goes up and down, up and down, up and down...."
"I'm not sure if that song sounds like something you could use to entertain children or if it's more like the first line of a limerick."



"Hey, girls. I just found regain."
"....right."
"I didn't know you had a problem with thinning hair, Maxim."
"That's REgain. RE! GAIN!"
"I'm sure you will, Maxim, but I'm not sure it's worth it due to the side effects."



"I guess this would be the pole in question."
"Let's hookshot ourselves over and get moving."



"Yyyyes, this is... uh..."
"Hi-Magic? I guess it's no miracle."
"Well, at least we can refill our green bar now."
"Green bar? Is that like an enviromentally friendly booze hut?"
"No. And that sounds kind of contradictory, doesn't it?"



"For some reason, I expected this door to have a keyhole."
"This world is doing strange things to us. Strange, pavlovian things."
"Tell me about it. It's like... completing a cave without having heard the sound of a key being turned just feels... wrong."



"So, what are we missing?"
"A chest?"
"An enemy?"
"A slightly cracked wall?"



"...a hole in the floor?"
"Yes, now that Tia fell down, all is right with the world."



"Sure, why not? I hear leaps of faith are all the rage these days. Also, you have lots of hopping experience."



v "Um... are we on the same wavelength here?"
"I don't even know what's going on. I fell down, and now you are here. That's about it."



"This conversation just gets stranger and stranger by the minute."
"She's stealing my ideas and improving upon them, that's what's happening here."



"Or a hole."
"Is this some kind of running joke?"
"No, it's a falling joke."
"Must be the diminished returns."



"Yes, I did. And?"
"Uh... yeah, I got nothing."



*And possibly if I actually actively pursued you.*
*.....*
*Naaaah.*



"Oh hey, looks like we just found the main hall of Club Genocide."
"Time to put on our party shoes and get our murderin' groove on."
"Yep, there's nothing quite like solving our problems through mass murder."



"Haven't we met these guys before?"
"Not that I know, but conspiracy theorists might disagree."



"OK, I don't much mind the stairs, since we are apparently returning to the surface, but these stairs are illogical. Shouldn't they point the other way each time we arrive in another room?"
"Yeah, that... kind of bothered me too. You know, despite this not really hurting us in any way."
"Except in the logic section."



"Which is to say we destroyed all the monsters down there. Monsters that would respawn if we left any of the rooms, so I guess technically they're back. Or something. But anyway...."
"Bridge. Fix. Now. I mean, seriously, you didn't even do that when there were NO monsters up here? They spent all of their time downstairs, so you could just have fixed this bridge and nobody would've bothered you."



"What the... that's the reason you wanted us over there, isn't it? But if that was the case, why did you have us go downstairs to kill everything?"
"He's probably some kind of antagonist fetishist or something. Or he's having fantasies of being a mob boss or something."
"That's a nice bridge you're building there, buddy. Would be a shame if something were to happen to it."



"You know, Tia; back when I spent most of my life murdering slimes for selling, even then I didn't feel like my time was wasted as much."
"I know, right? I'm actually having the first adventure of my life, and even I thought this cleaning out the monsters thing was... beyond a waste of time. I actually feel bad about this."



"And just as the discussion ends, we're under attack."
"But this time, we're the ones under attack, right? We can defend ourselves against... uh, a golem and a clay pile?"
"How does clay turn green anyway?"
"Or sentient?"
"Well, at least we're not meeting a snow golem here, because that would make no sense."



"We're a little tied up at the moment, but just give us a minute, and we'll have someone come and show you the ropes."
"It's a kinky town."
"Well, tie me to a tree and call me a hippie, guys, but how about we get inside?"
"I am NOT a guy."
"OK, OK, sorry. Guys and... girls? Is there a good female example for the casual term 'guys'?"
*shrug* "I dunno."



"Um... yeah, you beat up, like... one guy. Who is most likely not the guy they're talking about, since he looks like the other guards in this place."
"Looks like this town also follows the 'only redheads can apply' rule for town guardship."
"Only men too. The women can only run stores or become maids."



"Oh, really? I'm just going to have to challenge that statement later."
"I guess that's what you would call 'male bonding'."



"I don't know about you two, but I think this guy is hilarious."
"I like a man who's funny, you know. I'm pretty sure most women do."
"....."
"Heh. Yeah, that wasn't really transparent or anything."



"In my... is this... please tell me that wasn't meant as innuendo."
"Uh... if you think a foot to the face counts as innuendo, then yes, it is."
"Urgh!"



"The only thing you need to perfect this move is my super duper beans and pea stew."
"EWWWW!"



"I... don't... know if I should still be amused or if I'm just getting fed up with it."
"Me too."
"Me three."
"......"



"Where do I even start?"
"Well, it WAS amusing..."
"...at first."



"It irks me how you two sync up so well with your conversations. It's almost like you're married already."
"What was that?"
"Um... nothing."


With enemies converging on the places just visited, our team of heroes wonder about the new encounters they will make. What kind of characters will they meet?



"....uh."
"That was... anticlimactic."
"We're going to go for the dumb guy, aren't we?"
"Yep. Bean and pea stew and all."
"Um... you know I can hear you, right?"


To be continued....

[Solana]

I'm still amused. Dekar in all his awesomeness has the Dr. Molly Clock defense- infuriate your opponents by just not getting it.

[northlander]

Chapter 10: For our next mission, let's take Dekar.




"Pfft. Who's he fooling? He doesn't even have a BlastMaster attack."
"And you do?"
"No, not yet, but a big bowl 'o beans ought to take care of that."
"Ew."



"Well... I think I'd rather use the word 'special', but... yeah, it's about as 'amazing' as most of the other places we've been to."
"We did meet another guy who can fight, though. Wanna take bets on whether he'll join our party?"



"You are. In combat skills."
"Well, actually, he's probably better at fighting than you guys, since he can actually kill slimes."



"How the hell do rumors travel like this, when the people who could spread them aren't travelling around?"
"Maybe they heard them through the grapevine."



"You wanted to see my what?"
"Your stuff. By the way, nice pants you got on there, homey."
"Don't be so humble, Maxim. Show him your amazing package."
"I'm weirded out now. Also, Tia; these two don't make for good yaoi material."



"Oh, so you already have a manlover."
"What? NO! He's... uh, a guy who plans on destroying the world."
"This is just getting more hilarious by the second."
"Personally, I think he just wants to drive the car."
"And why wouldn't he? Everyone wants a piece of the Dekar."
"Selan, I'm going to disagree with you. Violently."



"Apparently, people like being sent in this world."
"I'm not sure that's it."
"Oh? Well, who sent you guys here?"
"This woma-..HEY!"



"Are either of them the lady who sent you on your way?"
"Uh... no."
"So there's another pretty lady out there?"
"Well.... yes. In fact, all the ladies here are pretty. It's a prettypocalypse."



"At least you didn't try any lame pickup lines."
"Anyway, not that I would mind us becoming more intimate, but... why are you literally standing in my face?"
"I can't help it. It's standard conversation distance. Apparently, our voices don't carry too well."



"I'm sure he don't, because I have no damn idea what you're trying to say."
"I'm just saying that you can't say anything nice to people when you say something nice to someone, because they cancel each other out. Or something."
"And you say I'm obtuse."
"Was that flattery?"
"Not really. Did I cancel myself out anyway?"



"Well... you knew something I didn't."
"Just like most other people."



"So, since he's crazy, you'd go normal over him?"
"If Guy was here, I'd imagine him going 'You can go crazy over me any day' or something."
"That's... true."



"Yeah, well, I guess I know who we'll be rescuing this time around. At least it's not a damsel again."
"More like a dumsel, if you ask me."
"....."
"What?!"



"Yes, because Idura is only marginally more dangerous than a single slime."
"But the Prince hasn't mastered the Buttblaster yet."
"That's BLASTMASTER!"
"Whatever."



"Doing what forever? Delay his much needed training session?"
"You might want to go with something more strenuous than a ten minute jello fighting per day lesson too."
"Sexy Princess fighting in jello? I'm all for that."



"Um..."
"OK, fair enough. We'll stop poking fun at his ineptitude."



"Wow, they went all out on the decorations in this place."
"I know, right? There's barely any room for the enemies in here, much less the battles against them."



"Um... or maybe there is. SO..."
"Shadowfly? They ain't no supafly, tho'."
"Let's hear it for slangman."



"Yes, we have a secret entrance again."
"Well, at least the ceiling is semi-transparent, so that we can see where we're going."
"But only insofar as we keep crashing into the walls. This coordination thing is hard."



"Thunder ring? Yeah, there's another awesome euphemism for my ass opening. Now I can stop using the word 'cornhole'."
"Ewwww!"
"Hey, if you got it, flaunt it."
"EEWWWWW!"



"By the way, did we set up that betting ring? Did anyone bet 'dungeon'?"
"Oh damn, I knew I forgot something."



"Maxim, are we going to have to do this with every switch we come across?"
"Maybe."
"Come on, Tia. Let the big kids have their fun."
"Well... true enough. At least we only have one kid to deal with for now."



"So... we're fighting a hair rock band from the eighties?"
"LATE eighties."
"And...?"
"It makes all the difference."



"So... you been here long?"
"I don't think you'll get a sensible answer out of that... thing any time soon."



"Uh... a dance, on the other hand."
"Yeah, do the moonwalk."
"It's Thriller, live."



"Well, it was good we left the spikes in this position. Otherwise, there would be much egg in face for me right now."



"Yes, we found a deadly sword."
"Meanwhile, in the department of redundant redundancy..."
"I think they mean that this sword is used to kill stuff."



"Sssh. Let's quietly sneak by this... green... blob... thing while he's checking his hanging plants."



"OK, I've heard about the term 'flight of stairs', but this is just ridiculous."
"Where is Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov when we need him."



"Alright! The stairs have been cornered."
"...."
"I can't believe I just said that."
"Neither can we!"



"What the hell is that?"
"My money is on some kind of golem. Er... I mean goREM."
"Vely good. You win the plize."



"I think I can start a new job as a pottery mover. I've already gotten lots of experience."
"Then I can be the voice in your head, because you can't even see me now."



"Hm. Someone has left their sword behind."
"Maybe some other adventurers came through here before we did."
Well, that simply won't do."
"Um... why?"



"What the... it was an enemy?"
"And not just AN enemy, but a deadly one."
"A deadly sword? Now, I've never heard about that."
"Well, there ARE wooden swords."
"Curses! Play on words foiled by realism."



"Well, either the lizardman above us is throwing his sword really, really hard, or we'll be facing another deadly sword."
"Oh, come on, Maxim. I'm sure it's not THAT deadly."
"Just a little bit."
"Eh, screw that. I'm going to the room with the moving floor squares."



"What the... that wasn't a challenge at all. Let's go back and do it all again."
"NO!"



"SO, shall we shag now or shall we shag later?"
"Are we a part of a Scooby Doo episode now?"
"So... who's gonna take off the mask and curse those damn kids?"
"Hey, don't look at me."



"You wouldn't normally think that pushing four pillars on top of slightly different floor brick work would do anything, but then you wouldn't be living in THIS world, would you."
"And we're not normal people."



"And our prize is a Dragon egg."
"So... what are we going to do with it?"
"I can make a dragon omelet."
"That sounds delicious."
"But how do we know it'll taste good? That phantom fish dinner didn't turn out that great."
"Yeah, I guess. Well, let's just shove it into our bag, then."
"Man, dragon eggs are tough, aren't they?"



"I've been doing this wrong, haven't I? Why would I think switches or maybe a matchstick would be needed to light up something when a bomb can do the job much better?"
"Well, at least we'll need them to light up the bomb."
"It's a domino effect."
"No, it's not!"



"So... what does this potion do?"
"Have you guys done the 'get a life' joke yet?"
"I don't know. Probably not, though."
"How come?"
"Because it's a dumb joke."



"I dunno. There's just something... suspicious about some of the floor here."
"It's... partially framed, isn't it?"
"And let's not forget that mysterious arrow thing on the ground there."
"Whatever! Let's be idiots and go right over there."



"Aw, poopie."
"OH MY HOW COULD WE SEE THIS COMING!"
"Well, we had to do this to progress, didn't we? I wonder how that would feel to some people: you KNOW it's a trap, but if you don't fall for it, you'll be stuck forever."



"MOOOMMYYYYY!"
"You finish your food, young man. You don't wanna end up like me; a fully bandaged, shambling corpse."



"Well, it's an improvement."
"So, are they going to say mean things to us on the internet?"
"Man, they're going for the critical hits, aren't they?"



"Well, Idura; we brought a troll of our own."
"HEY!"
"Burns, doesn't it? He's the master of childish insults from simpletons. You don't stand a chance."
"HEEEEY!"



"If by 'boring' you mean 'really painful and probably fatal', then yes."
"But wouldn't that imply that he CAN kill us?"
"Um... yeah. Oops."
"HEY!"



"Eh, it was mostly because of Idura, but why not?"
"What the Prince says is law."



"Either that, or we'll meet him later anyway. He had this sinistral flunkie thing all over him."
"Maybe he'll do the 'I'll kill you later' thing all the time. That would actually be quite hilarious."



"Dekar, there are two switches in that room. At least TRY something before you come running back to us."
"Are you drunk?"
"What? No!"
"....."
"Well, OK, maybe a little, but you try being the main fighter working for a Prince like that. You'd hit the bottle within the week."



"So... does it come with a rubber handle?"
"Well, it'd have to, wouldn't it? Otherwise, it would hurt quite a lot to use."



"Just for a talk? I find that hard to believe."
"Well, he sure talked OUR ears off before he basically one-shotted us all."
"Except Guy."
"Yes, except Guy."



"Well, he's... not."
"Looked like one, though."
"Well, he WAS kind of ten times our size, so... yeah."



"Eh, sounds all the SEIM to me."
"....."
"......"
"What?!"
"Those are some fearful times indeed. They will give birth to the most terrible of jokes."



"Or a statement."
"It's Gades the Saaadist."
"Well, he should feel right at home in Bound Kingdom, then."



"Besides, where did this come from all of a sudden?"
"I dunno. I just wanted to try the 'I gotta do this alone' part... even if I've kind of done that all my life so far."
"....right."


The threat escalates as Gades reveals his motivation: Destruction. Total and utter destruction. Our heroes bring their heads together and go with the most rational and intelligent plan they can think of. They band together and remain a group when it counts.



"Oh, I get it. You don't want any 'womans gettin' in the way', huh?"
"What the... Dekar, don't get me involved in your sexist douchebaggery, you lonely, lonely soul."
"What are you saying? That if I stop treating women like lesser human beings, I might even get a girlfriend?"
"Well... yes?"
"Naaah."
"Hoo boy, and here I thought my KING was bad."


To be continued....

[northlander]

Sorry about the non-release last weekend, but I was away for pretty much almost the entire week. Just to bring some advance warning; while I am going to try to uphold my weekly release from here on, I won't make any promises for December either. It's going to depend on how busy I'll get for Christmas.

Chapter 11: Bringing the Fight Back to the Big Guy.


*when we last left our friends...



"I'm being a total feminist about this to counter your sexist 'no girls allowed' attitude, Mr. 'bros before hos'."
"Lovely. I'm being involved in another fight I don't want to be a part of."
"Selan, you're one hell of a fighter, but this... this is gonna be a man's job."
"Dekar, you can take that 'tude of yours and shove it up where the sun doesn't shine. I am coming and that'll be the end of that."
"Selan, I'm really grateful that you didn't include me in this argument, but that only makes what I'm about to say even harder; you have to go back to Parcelyte."
"What?! But..."



"I'm in a slappin' mood right now, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and ask you to explain your reasoning."



"Because if we're going to dive straight into the pants of danger, I want to fill in the other leg. Understand?"
"That's a 10-4."
"Oh, we're going to need bigger pants than that."
"LOVE YOU!"



"Yeah, you were gone for... like, one whole dungeon and all."
"And what a dungeon! It had absolutely no bosses and all."



"Um... have we met?"
"Nope! I just made all of that up."
"Oh."
"....yeah."



"It's time to be... fantastic."
"Don't look at ME when you say that. In fact, don't say that ever again."
"Um... you know what? I think I hear my sister being in trouble again. Gotta go."
"Oh no, you don't. You're not leaving me alone with this guy."



*shudder* "No, I'm not."
"Uh... I think I gotta go."
"NOYOUDON'T!"



"This is... they're having fantasies right now, aren't they?"
"Ah-yup."
"Lovely. I've always wanted to be a part of someone's yaoi fantasies."
"You do? Well, then..."
"Gah! You people are all just looking for an opening, aren't you?"
"That's what she said."
"GRAAAAAARGH!"
"OK, seriously... enough already. I'd rather not have someone go crazy in my throne room."



"Tsundere? Oh yes, you are."
"......"
"What'sa matter? Cat got your tongue?"
"She sure has, and I think I can respect that."
"Touché."



"Man, thank God that's over with. Now, to climb this phallic tower."
"Should we take a picture of it first? You know, to give the ladies?"
"Let's... not do that."
"Besides, when you've seen one tower, you've seen them all."
"Oh, I dunno. Some countries have got bigger towers than other countries."
"Stop it, stop it, STOP IT, STOP IT!"



"I just think he forgot to zip up his pants."
"SHUT UP! NO MORE OF THIS, OR I WILL KILL YOU MYSELF!"



"That's nothing. I push walls with my pillar all the time."
"Gnnnnrgh!"
"OK, that was kind of lame."



"Yyyup. I've got some aggression to vent, so this is just perfect."
"Sounds like a plan. Shall we leave Maxim to play with his snakes?"
"Let's."



"....I think I'll lay off with the innuendo now. And for ever."
"Yeah, man. That was... ugly."
"SHUT UP! IT'S YOUR FAULT! YOU WENT FAR BEYOND THE LIMIT!"
"Alright, Maxim. We get it. Why don't you continue to unwind by taking care of these three.... uh... Bruse's? Bruces?"
"G'day, Bruce."
"Good bye, Bruce."



"OK, this is just getting silly."
"So... would it be inappropriate for me to make jokes about getting some-.."
"YES! SHUT UP!"



"I'm not going to kill you. So you stay there and think about what you just did."
"But... but... we only tried to kill you."
"And that's why you get to live."
"...point taken."



"So, spikes prevent me from crossing if I walk too close, but I can hookshoot myself over?"
"I guess the proximity detector is picky about our approach."
"Uh... yes."



"So... Chess or Othello."
"Space Invaders Chess?"



"OK, it's... not moving. We can sneak by and ascend the stairs without it noticing."
"Actually, it IS moving. Just very, very slowly."
"Well, it IS a snail."



"This is like a nice game of 'Connect the Dots'. Only with bottomless pits."
"Don't worry about it. We couldn't fall down them even if we tried."
"Yeah, that sounds sensible."



"OK, the King Frog I get, but..."
"It's a Ssssnell? Was that supposed to be Shell?"
"It's Turbo the.. uh, Snail."
"KILL ZHEM! SCHNELL!"
"well, at least the King is amused. I wonder if he's got more of that stuff he's smoking, because I could really go for some of that now."



"Hmm. A lever. I wonder if I should pull it."
"Go ahead, Maxim. You know you want to."
"Join us, Maxim. Join the dark side. All the levers will be ours to pull."
"YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!"
"On the contrary, my dear Maxim..."
"Well... at least he's joking around again."



"...whut?!"
"Well, Maxim, sometimes the answer isn't always what it seems."
"Don't think, Maxim. Feel."
"Aren't you guys being all meta and stuff."



"Yep. No doorway here."
"Don't be fooled by appearances. This only looks like a dead end, when it's really... a dead end."



"Um... OK? So... we just cross swords? No reason to fight?"
"Must be a gesture thing."



"It's... a pumpkin jewel? Does that come from the pumpkin heads?"
"It's their little disconnectable nuts."
"Do you want the muscle ring, Dekar?
"Sure. And you can have the protect ring. It... protects your finger from.. uh, something, I guess."



"Um... is that a piece of armor?"
"Walking?"
"This is gonna be the kind of armor we have to fight, isn't it?"



"Yep. It's a Deadly Armor too."
"We should marry them to the Deadly Swords we met earlier. They could form a Dullahan or something."
"Let's not give them any ideas now, OK?"



"It's a Fayza shield."
"What the hell is a Fayza shield?"
"It's got extra protection against Fayza."
"That still doesn't answer the question."



"Did we just order a game of Picross?"
"There's already a playa on the table."
"That won't do. We must kill it immediately."



"Um... Shadowfly and Dark Fly. Well, I guess we got both bases covered."
"So, what happens when a Dark Fly hides in a Shadowfly?"
"It turns super invisible, man."



"Apparently, killing them lowered the blue row."
"We have been accepted in murdertown. The gate has been lowered."



"Um... or outside... or inside."
"Is that an inverted S, or do we have to fight a snake again?"



"It's a Spinner, which is a totally appropriate name for a snake."
"Well, we can help with that."



You know, levers just don't do anything for me anymore. I need more. I need... something stronger."
"And so, another life succumbs to its vices."



"Well, we could've been able to go straight up there, but they had to draw the line somewhere, right?"
"We could also just step on that button there."
"But... but that's how it all started out. You know, before the whole lever dependency thing. I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK, DEKAR! I DON'T!"



"Wow, well, good thing we climbed up on the right side. Otherwise, we'll be holding on to nothing but air now."
"Um... that's not quite how it works.



"Christ! Fight the red guardian three times, fight the blue guardian FIVE times. What happened to 'stab it one, problem gone'?"
"That's 'stab it once'."
"But then it won't rhyme properly."
"...of course. Never mind."



"Oh, so NOW the left ladder is whole? This tower has a political agenda, doesn't it?"
"Um... I don't think that's quite correct either."



"Maxim, aren't we going to pull that lever?"
"NO!"
"But... there's... enemies behind the spikes. And maybe treasure."
"Then you can pull the damn lever. Because I am NOT returning to my heavy lever addiction. You saw how bad it could be?"
"Yep. It sure messes with your head, doesn't it?"
"Gives you the mentality of a five year old, doesn't it?"



"Damn it! I can't reach those ladders. If only I was taller."
"I'm... starting to think this tower's breaking his mind."
"Yeah, I'm starting to believe that this is about more than just levers."
"Definitely. Childhood scars?"
"You two! Stop talking about my sordid past."



"Hmm. I think we can make it if we jump really hard."
"WHOA! WAIT, MAXIM!"
"Whaaat?! It could work."
"Let's not be rash here. I'm sure we can find a way around this that won't involve us falling to our deaths."
"But... but... you don't understand. There could be all kinds of levers up there."



"See? It's fine. This is just pillars that needs to be pushed onto switches. Nothing to it."
"Yeah, but that's how it all started. That old guy wanted me to push stuff on top of other stuff, and pretty soon, that led to my big lever-pulling tour."
"Don't worry, Maxim. If there... if there are any levers, I'll jump on them for you, Maxim."
"Promise?"
"Of course."
"You're a good guy.... um... Guy."



"Hmmm. We're still not on top of this totem pole."
"Oh, don't you start with me again."
"Oops. Um... that was not on purpose. I promise."



"Guh! A whole corridor? And wait, 'the corridor outside'? How does that even work?"
"Well, it's a... uh, narrow hallway between two... yeah, it makes no sense."



"This is a small platform, NOT a hallway."
"Well... it's kind of a hallway. It divides the wall of the tower and a drop we won't be walking away from."
"Whatever. I just want this tower over with."



"Straight to... the locked door."
"Gah! Forgot about that."
"What's the big deal? We just have to find the key."
"Yeah, that's the story of my life."



"Oh! Well, that was... fast."
"Unlike your pause."
"Good thing we found a miracle too. Because that's what it's going to take to use a key made of a cloud."



"Um... I know I should be glad that we got the whole key thing out of the way in a flash, but... somehow, I almost feel... disappointed."
"Why?!"
"I dunno... it just feels... unchallenging."
"Didn't you want to get this tower over with, though?"
".... yeah, I did. Well, screw all that, then. Let's go."



"I... kind of agree here. We are just a couple of levels higher than the last time we met, so on a realistic note, we're screwed. However..."
"However?"
"You want us to bow down to you? Screw that noise."
"Besides, didn't you already say you were going to destroy us all?"
"Admit it; you just want to see us grovel and beg before you kill us. Makes you feel like such a big shot, doesn't it?"
"OK, you got me. Well, since we are all in agreement, it's time to make a few grown men cry."



"Oh yeah? Well, we're... like, five to seven levels higher this time, AND we reduced our party total by one. You're completely boned this time."
"And doesn't that make a lot of sense."
"Well, here's what I think of your sense."



"HAHA! Fooled you. We DO have a fourth party member."
"Yeeees, it's the same dog you had the last time we met. And it's still just 'giving me tail', because you're all a bunch of perverts."
"At least we have a sense of humor. What's YOUR contribution to world peace?"



"Ow! What the hell? You've learned to actually do some damage now?"
"Well, we DID level about five or six times?"
"Level? What does that even mean?"
"Oh, so you guys don't know about that, huh? Well, that's why you're going to lose."
"Well, we don't need to. We're already top level material. And let me show you what that top level material can do."



"Um... that... was.... decent, I guess? What happened, dude? You used to be able to waylay us in one attack."
"I.. don't understand. It doesn't make any sense."
"Yeah, tell me about it."



"What? Defeat? Nooooooo! How can this beeeee?!"
"Uh... was the fight supposed to be this easy?"
"Well... no, it wasn't."
"And this guy waylaid you in one attack?"
"Actually, I needed two, but I was pretty much on my last HP, so... yeah. I'm as confused about this as you are, and my perspective is about as different as it can get."



"But... we didn't. Seven levels shouldn't matter THIS much. I'm pretty sure you're the one who has grown weaker."
"NOOOOO! I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS!"



"Oh, look at the sore loser. Shall we administer another round of spanking, Mr. Gades?"
"Nyeh nyeh, you can't touch me."
"...yeah, he's regressed to be sure."



"Whaaat? I'm about to spank the big guy."
"That's the most awesome masturbation metaphor that's also bragging I've ever heard. I'm going to steal that one for myself."



"Um... well... thank you, but... we're really fine. The guy was a pushover this time for some odd reason."
"Uh... OK? So, we lost out on the delicious revenge?"
"Yeah, pretty much."
"Damn it! I wanted to kick the guy in the balls. I mean... said balls had to be at least as big as either of us, even from a 'regular human sized compared to total height' kind of a perspective."
"I... uh, see. Anyway, I got some things to do, so you guys should probably skedaddle. Unless, of course, either of you are able to jump this giant pit."
"That's... probably neither of us. I guess we'll just head outside, then."



"Now you're getting it, woman."
"Gah! No, I meant... we can't cross this gap, so we should just let Maxim go on and do what he has to instead of standing around here until we leave. We're basically wasting everyone's time by standing here."
"See? You DO want to leave him behind."
"Tia, if I could actually get over there, I would be there so hard and fast that Maxim would have a Selan-shaped hole in his ribcage. Now, let me remind you all that, unfortunately, neither of us can do that, so your argument is a waste of time. Don't make me whip out the bunny with a pancake on its head, Tia. It ain't gonna be pretty."



*whew* "Leave it up to Selan to be the sensible one. Oh well, I should just get this task over with as soon as possible so that I can return to my friends. So, let's see..."
"....."
"Arrows pierce the blue. The blue what?"



"Sheesh, we have a tower with an upside down tower spire. That's... kind of cool, actually."



"OK, so... blue -> arrows, red -> bombs. I can dig that. Unless I need a shovel, that is."



"Christ, the arrow didn't just pierce the blue meanie, it literally shattered it. Isn't that the bomb's job?"



"Ohoho, this is just rich. It's a magic bikini. Selan would love this one. And the bikini offers such good protection too."
"......"
"Hmmm. I bet I would look good in this-.. NO! BAD MAXIM! FOCUS ON THE MAIN TASK!"



"Red and boooomb. And thar she blows."



"Eesh, was that all? There's gotta be more to this, right?"



"Yes! I did it."
"......."
"Man, it's been a while since I've had to entertain myself by talking with myself. I didn't really think of it before this, but it feels kind of weird. Like I'm slowly going crazy."



"Must... almost... die... for... some... reason."
"Well, time to do my thing, I guess."


As the tower is slowly going under, Maxim ponders the fact that they actually managed to defeat the beings once considered gods. Of course, he had also thought escape would be easy, but not so much now. Did he even notice Iris drop in, like she usually does at moments like this? Did he expect it? Is it going to become a pattern? And will the mystery about her ever be explained? Who knows?



"It was Iris again, wasn't it? I bet it was. Man, that girl is so up in my case. She's never teleported anyone before, though. Well, not that I know at any rate. Sheesh, she's such a mysterious person. I wonder if I'll ever learn what she really wants. Or where she gets her hair colored. It's almost as green as Selan's."
"....."
"GUYS, I'M TALKING MY OWN EARS OFF HERE! CAN I HAVE MY HEARTFELT WELCOME BACK NOW?!"


To be continued....

[northlander]

Chapter 12: Married... With Kidnapped Children.




"Um... Selan, you're acting uncharacteristically.... well, something... somehow. Something."
"Well, I'm one step away from dragging you to bed right now."
"Thank the heavens for my mysterious teleporting powers, then."



"Yeah, Selan. Are you breaking out your extra special tears just for me?"
"Oh, shut up, Maxim. Shut up, and kiss me, you fool."



"Yeah, I see what you mean. The thought of being in love with Maxim would make me cry too."
"It would make me squeal, but that's beside the point."



"I don't think it sounds like 'tear' at all, unless I break out my REALLY pretentious pseudo-'British' dialogue. Do you get what I'm trying to say, my young pioneaaaah?"
"Heh. Yeah, I think so."



"I guess the bottom fell out of the Super Special Tears department. You'll have to settle for regular, ol' tears from now on, like all the men in the world."
"Or I could check the black market. Wonder what women's tears go for these days."



"I think Selan felt like that too. She literally tore the clothes off his body the second she saw him. Traumatized the poor girl standing nearby something fierce."
"Maybe I should have tried that too. The whole 'playing hard to get' thing is a pile of crap. Actually, before I return to my store, I'm going to track down Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider and beat them both to death with my frying pan."



"I'd offer you myself, but our hair colors are a little bit too similar. It'd feel too weird, like both of us showing up to a party wearing the same dress."
"I... guh, that's... not a mental image I needed."



"So, these three guys went into a church...."
"Not now, Maxim."



"Man, we're married. Must admit I couldn't see that one coming."
"I woulda married you just for the chance to wear something other than my standard battle costume."
"And so you did."
"Well, crazy as this might sound, I'm also kind of happy to finally have someone on my level. It is actually possible to get fed up with breathless praise all the time, especially from clueless idiots."



"Selan, why did we invite these two to our wedding?"
"We didn't. We also failed to keep it secret from the two of them."
"Oh. I wonder who ratted us out."
*cough*



"Yeah, say that to Maxim."
"Well, he got himself an adventurous woman. That's cheating in so many ways."
"Oh, you have NO idea how adventurous she can be."
"MAXIM!"
"I... did not need to hear that."



"Even though I kind of just stated otherwise. That's... uh, that's just the male pride talking, baby."
"I'm sure it was. Now, please get bent. I've got things to do."
"Like not attending the rest of the wedding? Jessy, waaaait!"



"It's a pretty terrible way, though."
"Oh, listen to Mr. Sensible here. Since when did you start using your brain?"
"Eh, it's so much more making people think I'm stupid. The whole 'underestimating me' thing is just the topping of that delicious cake."



"Next wedding in this town better have monsters approaching from all sides."
"Yeah. We're not doing these things halfway, you know."
"Man, this wedding is shaping up to something special."



"Let's do this naked."
"Good idea!"
"What?! NOOOOO!"
"Juuuust kidding."



"So, did anyone bring the band? I want some Yakety Sax for this one. It's the only missing part to complete this comedy act."



"I'm sure the monsters got lots to spare."
"......"
"Well, except that one. Wowza, look at them go."



"Like... you know. A guy. The human beings with a sausage dangling between their legs."
"I heard that."
"You DO have a sausage dangling between your legs, though."
"And you'll be getting a nibble of that tonight, my dear."
"Hey, don't look at ME. I don't know him. He's just some guy, after all."



"Boingy boingy boingy."
"Not that kind of spring, my dear."



"That... doesn't sound quite as good."
"Nah, I was just kidding. I made you a solid man steak today."
"With yams, cole slaw and pain?"
"What else?"
"Yaaay."



"Summartider hey hey, summartider hey!"
"OK, that's enough. No more golden times for you."



"Ah-yup."
"Sun's up too."
"Ah-yup."
"Pretty warm."
"Ah-yup."
"Man, I'm hankerin' for a spankin' right now."
"Ah-y..wait, what?"
"So you ARE listening."
"You are an evil man."
"And that's why you married me, wasn't it?"
"Ah-yup."



"Man, being lazy isn't what it's cracked up to be."



"....um, did.. did I drop by at a bad time?"
"Naw, I'm just doing my job: trying to make them feel emasculated."
"I'll say. I'm not sure forcing them to lift weights with their erections is the right way to go about it, though."
"Hey, you were the one who told me to have fun with my job."
"I know, I know. Man, I hope this won't ever backfire in the future, when people are regaling their audiences with our tales of depravity."
"....."
"Er... I meant heroism."



"And let me tell you, she's much harder on me about keeping it up than on any of you guys. So uh... chow down on some Viagra, and you'll do fine."



"Let's go sledding."



"I mean... this town hasn't even changed noticeably. Do we live on the equator here?"
*shrug* "Dunno."



"Yeah, well... it's kind of amazing that we've been married for a whole year, and yet you haven't even said it once. Or maybe you did, and I just didn't notice."
"Yeah, but still...."



"Define 'sometimes'."
"Well, I won't demand anything specific, but I'd like to hear it RIGHT NOW!"



"So, did you... did you catch that?"
"Loud and clear, pardner."



"Of course, I saw the whole thing first-hand, so it might be a loooooong time before I can 'keep it up' again, but hey..."
"Yeah, well, it's not like this is something I'd want to do each forthnight, so that's fine. I'll still heckle the soldiers about it, though."



"A noise from the bedroom and we're down here? Whoever it is better not mess up our bed."
"I'm raising the rent if they make a mess on the sheets."



"It's like a theatre version of Willow."
"And here comes Mr. Skullface Oldguy."
"You're not taking this seriously at all, are you?"
"We take most stuff as seriously as it deserves to, my dear Idura."
"Oh, we'll see about that, won't we?"



"Weehehell, it's been a full year since the last time we dungeon-crawled, so show me what you got, sissy boy."



"Well, we just got out of bed, and then somebody kidnapped our child while we were downstairs having our toast and coffee."
"That asshole even messed up my sheets. I literally had to make my bed before I laid down in it."



"Yeah, if only we'd meet any of them. But no, we get Idura."
"In his trademark pink armor."
"Which he probably never washed since last time we met him, because ewwww."



"Yep. That's a... lighthouse?"
"We'll, I'm not sticking around until nightfall to find out of the top floor lights up. Just open the front door and get in already."



"Um... so, there's a mysterious light on top of the lighthouse? I... guess that's encouraging? Kind of?"
"Good grief, what's next? They send a guard to the local kindergarten, and he spends most of the time complaining about all the balls lying around?"



"Well, at least they didn't waste time introducing us to the locked door. Makes me wonder what kind of arbitrary key we'll be needing for this one."
"The cucumber key? I mean... we are sticking it into a hole, aren't we?"
"Ohoho well, let's.. return to that topic a little bit later, when we've put junior to bed."



"Well, doesn't look like I can make like Zorro and open both doors at the same time."
"And Zorro was known for his amazing door-opening abilities?"
"Well, that's what I heard from the ladies' grapevine."



"Oh well, I guess we should just pick and flick."
"Not by the nose of my chinny chin chin."
"Go weeee-.. uh, leeeeef-.. no, wait, RIIIIIIGHT!"



"So... you hankering for some shellfish? Escargot? Or let's take some chances and eat a poisonous animal."
"I'll take that over a well-done ghostfish any day."
"And I'll... take your word for that."



"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!"
"Yeah, not putting that on my finger."



"He went for the completely worthless expansion pack, didn't he?"
"Oh, you poor horsie. That armor does nothing to protect you at all, does it?"



"Oh Christ, one year off the drug and now I'm straight back in again."
"Lever addiction is a frightening prospect, isn't it?"
"Yeah. Drop your concentration for just one second, and your hand will immediately reach for the pole without as much as a second thought."



"Yeah, well, at least the ladder is now in place."
"Good to know my relapse into lever addiction wasn't for nothing."



"Um... OK, weird sign. Are we talking roulette, or Backgammon?"
"Blackgammon, perhaps?"
"Darchon?"
"I... don't have any other games offhand that I can make jokes about anymore."
"Yeah, me neither. Let's just on."



"Lllllight key. I don't even know why I couldn't see that one coming."
"Maybe this is what we need to place on black."



"Hellooo dark corridor."
"Good thing Dekar didn't join us for this one. His HAIR wouldn't fit inside this one."



"I wasn't sure what to expect here, so... yey?"
"This better be worth it, though."



"Big shield? Well, thank God, because I was getting tired of these small shields that couldn't protect crap."
"What does the mystery ring do?"
"Hell if I know."
"I wonder if we'll ever learn."



"Ah, yes, this place again. Well, let's get creative."
"Creative won't open the door, Maxim, and I don't want to spend our second honeymoon inside this place, so let's get moving."



"It's a good thing we aren't in the dungeon where we have to find the heavy key. That would probably suck."
"I wonder if there's a medium key."
"Or a dark key."



"Oh God, my eyes. I'm having an inertia crisis something fierce."
"At least we can see where we've been going. The trail of vomit I'll be leaving behind will help us with that."



"OK, I have no goddamn idea what that's supposed to be."
"It's the evil Smurf. Don't let it bite your tail."



"Well, we can just jump down this hole, or we can take some time to jam that huge pole into it before we jump down ourselves."
"Sheesh, I think I know why Idura's armor is a bright pink. I'm almost expecting to drop into a Cho Aniki arcade hall as soon as we enter the back door here."



"And now we're... fighting cancer?"
"I'm not sure if I can make any jokes about that. It's... a little bit too personal for that. Or something?"



"Well... at least there's no Cho Aniki games down here."
"Not sure what to think about when it comes to the Bee rock, though. If I equip it, will I be able to stab enemies to death with my butt?"
"There are worse ways to go, I guess."



"Well, hooray. We get to use this key twice."
"Good thing it wasn't the heavy key, then."



"So... did they seriously expect me to bar the only stairs in the room? Why would they even... hnng, never mind. Let's just get this one over with."



"But I wasn't going to change his nappies anytime soon MOUHAHAHAHAHA!"
"You monster."



"So speaks the department of redundant redundancy."
"Besides, we RAISED him on Grimm's tales, so if you think you can out-grim that, go ahead and give us your best shot, Doctor Fab."
"I WILL NOT HAVE YOU TAUNT MY PINK ARMOR!"



"Uh... 'now' what?"
"FIGHT HIM!"
"Oh. Well... we were going to do that anyway. Besides, what's the rush? What is he going to do now when we're between him and our son?"
"Um... well, you see..."
"Yeah. I mean... it's not like this guy exhudes menace or something. I seriously doubt he's any stronger than Gades. Otherwise, he wouldn't be Gades's flunkie."
"Oh, shut up. I'm totally going to kill you now."
"Pshyeah, if you thought it was going to be THAT easy, why kidnap our child?"
"Say what you want about Gades; sure, he was a murdering bastard, but he would have come at us directly. Not stoop to such hilariously pathetic plans to kidnap a baby."
"Shut up, shut up, shut up."
"Hey, remember that time you dropped by Dekar's place with some piddly minions? That's gotta be the most amusing miscalculation you've ever done."
"And when we defeated them, you ran away. If I weren't so pissed at you for threatening our baby AND making us climb this stupid tower, I'd give you the option of which one of us to fight. But now I'm not going to. Maxim and I are going to punch the pink right out of you."
"Man, you guys are cruel."



"And you're smirking too? Please don't tell me you're entertaining any ideas that you're going to win this fight."
"I might. You honestly thought I'm going to fight you guys alone?"
"Wait, don't tell me! You brought...."



"...uh, a piddly minion. OK, I was actually expecting one of the Sinistrals here, so now I just feel silly."
"SHUT UP! I CAN TOTALLY DEFEAT YOU NOW!"
"I just... I don't have anything else to say. This is just sad on so many levels."



"Yes, yes. 'Curse you' and all that. Run away, Sir Robin, and don't you come back no more no more no more no more."
"Heh. Well, shall we leave this lighthouse behind too, Jack?"
"I thought you'd never ask."



"Likewise. We haven't seen each other in a year, and yet you return in the nick of time to play interference."
"It's a hobby of mine."



"Well... yeah, but..."
"But? What but? We came, we won, we lived on. What else is there?"
"Um... about that."


After one year of peace and silence, the forces of evil starts stirring again. As Maxim and Selan ponder their situation, it's quite clear that there's more evil to be fought than Gades. Granted, with Gades mentioning the Sinistrals and Idura making his presence known before all this, that was obvious enough; the question remains... what made them wait a whole year?



"Er... how? How would my death have solved anything? There's gotta be more to it than 'Idura wouldn't have a baby to kidnap'."
"Well, that's a part of it."
"That's a load of BS, and you know it. We already know there are more Sinistrals out there, so if Maxim really had been gone, there would have been one less person to fight them. And we've already learned that the Sinistrals are quite destruction-happy, so Maxim being gone would not solve anything."
"That's right. Without me, without Selan, Dekar or Guy, other capable human beings will still be a "problem" for the Sinistrals. I'm grateful that you told me I had to go out and fight, even on very vague grounds, but this... this I ain't buying, lady."
"Idura talked about the bloodline, but... so what? Guy's gonna have his bloodline, eventually. And Dekar... well... OK, maybe he won't get his anywhere, but still..."
"Even Tia would have had enough of that crap at some point, I'm sure. Point is; this might come across as a world full of useless people to you guys, but there'll always be someone out there. Somehow."
"OK, OK, I get it. Jeez."


To be continued....

[northlander]

Chapter 13: Seaman seeks wood for moist adventures.




"Lady, I've never really had any compunctions against doing what you wanted me to, but now that you've come right out and told me I should have died, I feel a little bit apprehensive about it."
"I... guess I can understand that."
"You 'guess'?"
"Well, sadly, you don't really have a choice. The Sinistrals are still out there, as you probably know by now."
*sigh* "Yeah, I suppose 'choice' isn't one of the words in our vocabulary right now. But more importantly..."



"Well, of course I'm... oh, rats. She ran away."
"Well... yes."
"Pah! I wanted to get to the bottom of all this, but nooo... lady's not much on straight answers, is she?"
"Well, we better get back home and pack for the journey."



"Didn't we already beat his pink candy ass, though? I do declare, that boy enjoys his spanking."
"Tell me about it. Then I remember him being a part of a group of people who brag about how they enjoy picking on weaklings, and I feel a good deal less guilty about it."



"And don't you dare say 'crazy ones'."
"Can I say it?"
"NO!"
"But... I like crazy girls."
"Well, I... uh... damn you, honey. You play dirty every chance you get, don't you?"
"Nyeeeheheheh."



"And comebacker of Rocky-like proportions."
"Is that a sword in your sheath, or are you just happy to see me?"



"Well, given how segregated the communities are here, it's a wonder you people know the NAMES of any nearby cities."
"It's like the main currency of this world is rumors, because that's all people have to go on."
"Well, it's their own damn fault. The one standout person so far -- well, aside from Tia -- is the old guy who was quite willing to go to the next town over for a spot of tea."
"And that kid who went to an enemy cave to play treasure seeker with a key? That's what you told me, right?"
"Oh, yeah, that guy. Yeah, that was a horseload of fun, alright. I kind of dread the day Jeros would start doing that crap."
"Ugh! Don't remind me. Despite what I said about how to be a mom to our nanny, I'm... kind of at a loss with that too."
"That makes two of us."



"Speaking of which, can you imagine THAT guy being a father?"
"Oh my God... no, I can't. It'll be some kind of comedy routine, I'm sure."
"Yeah. Dekar'll be all 'I'll make a MAN out of you yet!', and his protege will go 'But... dad, I'm a girl'."
"And then he'll just go 'A thousand more sword swings'll put some hairs on your chest', and she'll be all 'does that mean I have to start swilling beer and scratching my butt as well?'"
"And he'll round that off with a 'No beers for you, young lady, but you will be quite aquaintanced with a BEAR pretty soon'."
"Hee hee. Yeah, I cold totally see that happen."
"And she'll totally grow up being able to wrestle bears too."



"Well, speak of the devil."
"Speak of the what?"
"That's just mean."
"Sorry, it's just... oh man, I hope we won't be fighting any bears anytime soon."
*snrrk*
"HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!"
"Uh...."
"Must be some kind of inside joke."



"Ladies like a guy who takes his time. You not understanding that is why you're single."
"Are you trying to lecture Dr. Love? I pity the fool who tries something like that."



"I... definitely didn't need to know that."
"I don't even want to know how he spends his Saturday nights."
"I wonder if he shaves... downstairs."
"SELAN?! EWWW!"



"Well, we've arrived in... uh, Tetris Forest?"
"Someone here is far too proud of their gardening skills."
"I wonder what kind of wildlife we'll find here."
"Maybe we'll find some... bears?"
*snrk* "HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!"
"Damn it, Guy!"
"Sorry. Couldn't resist... even if I have no idea what they're laughing at."
"OH GOD HIS PUZZLED EXPRESSION JUST MAKES IT EVEN MORE HILARIOUS!"



"Armor Bee?"
"What the hell? Who gives these stinging devils ARMOR?! Their exoskeletons are bad enough as it is."
"This place just seem to have a surplus of bees. Is someone running a beehive somewhere?"
"Mmmm. I could really go for some honey right about now."



"Well, here's our next town. Let's see what kind of people live here."



"Oh, for the love of..."
"Yeah, this'll be our new fetch quest, I bet."



"Sounds like our pink boy wonder, alright."
"The pink what now?"
"Well, this doofus came over and kidnapped our child. For that, he got his ass beat good."
"You two have a kid? Man, you work fast."
"Well, we DID marry. You know what most people do on their wedding night, don't you, Dekar?"
"Um... fencing?"
"Well... in a sense."
"If you two start talking about plunging swords into the soft innards of love and such, I will slap you on the back of your stupid heads."



"VE HAF GOAL!"
"PANZER VOR!"
"You ask where he is, but answered your own question too? What do you expect us to do about that?"
"Dekar, do you know what 'rhetorical' means?"
"That's when you attack from the back, right?"
"No, that's... oh, Christ!"
"That's a bit of a stretch for a pun; ain't it, Dekar?"
"I'll stretch my rethoricum as much as I have to."
"...."
"You people are disgusting."



"What do you want? A slow clap?"
"Yes, let's do a slow clap for the slow person."
"Oh, like you're one to talk, Mr. Blastmaster."
"Hey, I'll still marry before you, so keep it in your pants."
"Good grief."



"Um... lady, he prepares ships. That's his job, and, presumably, his passion. I seriously hope you're not doing the emotional blackmail thing with him over this."
"Hmm. As a woman, I'm torn. But yeah, it's best to let a guy follow his passion. Makes him happier, which makes him a better husband. And, naturally, that swings both ways."
"Mind you, Selan; you're quite lucky in that both you and Maxim share most of your interests."
"This being mainly fighting. That's mah boy... aaand girl."
"Whaaat? But.... but I don't want any hair on my chest."
"OH HA HA WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME, SELAN?!"
"And you lost me again."
"Anyway, how about we head off to that mountain now. Lumberjack's be needing a rescue, I reckon."
"Eh, I'm sure he's OK."
"And that he sleeps all night and works all day."



"Everybody wants a piece of the Maxter."
"If she likes red hair so much, she can have it when I claw her scalp to shreds."
"Jeez, Selan, calm down. She's just a hostess in a bar. They'll flirt so you'll spend more money. It's what they do."



"Well, gee; let me think about that for a moment."
"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. So what can't we do when we don't have boats?"



"Oh well, the north mountains it is."
"And please do not let us fight something truly ridiculous on the way."
"Like more armored insects?"



"Well... I guess flesh-eating plants isn't too ridiculous."
"Even when they have a very self-explanatory name."
"I just want to pick them and put them in a pot... outside of our home. No more door-to-door salesmen."
"That's... actually a great idea. I have to mention this to Jessy."



"Well, isn't the translation team being all lazy now?"
"What's wrong with good, ol' 'Treant'?"
"Copyrighted?"
"DOWN WITH THE EVIL FILE SHARING INDUSTRIES!"
"You can hardly see the forest for the rain."



"It's a shame we had to leave so many good tree corpses behind just to go look for something this elusive."
"What is a Phantom Tree anyway? An invisible tree?"
"It's a ninja tree. When we see it, we're already dead."



"Damn it! We should have gone the other way around, so we could've reached the switch I shouldn't really be able to see."
"Well, we can't all have birds-eye vision."



"OH GOD WE'RE SURROUNDED! BY... uh.. bushes."
"We need to cut them down as they stand."
"I shall break them... like a twig."



"I'm... going to go ahead and assume that's NOT the Phantom Tree we're looking for."
"It's even tinier than the shrubs we cut down back behind the door we just exited."



"Maybe it's just me, but it seems that our enemies in this region are all bees and flowers. There's a rather... odd subtext to all of this."
"It's like the residents of this region have all hit puberty or something."
"Then we could totally troll them all by showing them 'Teeth'."
"Eugh, please no. I went to see that one with Maxim. It took almost a whole year before he dared having sex with me again."
"Tia recommended it too."
"Man, that's cruel, even for revenge."



"OK, jeez, enough bees already. It's not that they're all THAT dangerous, but... ergh!"
"It's enough to make one phobic against bees. Or insects altogether."



"The flowers and the bees, in one room at last."
"As long as that tree won't butt in, though."
"He'll be the third wheel."
"....."
"Maxim, I can't decide whether that was really a bad attempt at a pun."
"Me neither. I... I have lost the ability to sleep, for ever and ever."



"Man, this is some view."
"Yes, it is. We should probably get moving, though."
"We CAN see all the forest for the torrents from up here."
"Yep. Lots and lots of trees. Anyway..."
"And there's the mountain ranges in the distance. Winter's closing in, huh?"
"Yup. But... uh, the chest, Maxim."
"Ah, I could look at this for days."
"OPEN THE GODDAMN CHEST ALREADY!"



"Yeesh! About freaking time."
"It's a tree key. Made with wooden technology."
"Does that mean the door is wooden as well?"
"Well... haven't all doors been?"
"Oh. Right."



"I... think it's neat that these plants grow when we walk past them, but I'm not sure I like the implication."
"Less beans in the diet. Roger that."
"Why did it have to be a guy making that joke?"
"Hey, don't look at ME. I'm too feminine for fart jokes."



"Ohoho, well, isn't this like giving a kid a magnifying glass and pointing the way to the nearest anthill."
"Except less sadistic."
"Say that to the residents of Ferngully."
"Eh, screw those guys. Buncha tree-hugging hippies."



"Well, I have to admit this is kinda fun."
"BURNIN' THE LAWN, BURNIN' THE LAWN!"
"Well, look who's a Judas Priest fan."
"President and top member of the Judas Priest Lyrics Reinterpretation Club. And thanks for the inspiration, by the way."
"Reinterpretation my foot. You're ripping those guys off."
"You just don't understand my art, man."
"And pretentious to boot."



"Well, at least it's not an insect. Or a plant."
"No, it's only the stuff they grow out of. Um... the plants, that is."
"Dunno what he's so mad about, though."
"If I looked like a heap o' poopie, I'd be plenty mad too."
"I don't know about you guys, but I'm fairly sure this was supposed to be named 'Mud Golem'. Who the hell is responsible for catalogizing things here anyway?"



"The thin green line."
"Walking on the edge, huh?"
"That's not even a rewrite."
"It wasn't trying to be."



"Oh my, I can't see any way onwards except to the left. Nope, no, siree."
"Ah, so we're playing this game, huh?"



"First fire ring and now water ring. What's next in the 'rings that are impossible to wear' department? Air rings?"
"Rings of nebulous constructions."
"Maybe it's a ring made for people with problems with their prostate."
"Selan, ewwwww."



"Well, I've chopped down almost all the damn weeds, but no door. Oh woe is us; we'll never get out of here."
"Maxim, are you just acting like a petulant, smartass child for the hell of it now? Stop fooling around and chop that last weed."



"OK, what the hell is this now? Two jars in a closed space with brittle ground? I've heard about ridiculous riddles before, but this..."
"It's just a matter of doing it, though. I mean... what can go wrong?"



"Well, we could screw it up for one."
"At least we can use the opportunity to see what happens when we try to walk on the cracked ground."
"Well, gee, I wonder what will happen. Like falling through the floor, maybe?"
"It might be something else. You never know."



"OK, so we fell through the floor. Big freaking deal."
"Let's just... go up those stairs and forget it ever happened, OK?"



"Ah, a room overview. Made solving the damn thing so much easier."
"Oh, quiet you."
"Ah, the first lover's quarrel. It's magnificently cute every time I see it happen."
"Sounds like you've gotten yours out of the way already."
"Yep. You date a headstrong woman, you get that sort of thing out of the way pretty damn quick."
"You're implying I'm not headstrong?"
"Yes, I am. Now, don't get me wrong; you're a strong woman, Selan, but you're not HEADstrong. You're far too trusting and patient for that sort of thing, and don't fly into an argument over every little thing."
"Well, if you count saying you don't ever want to be tied down at your friend's wedding as 'a little thing', then yes, you sure are right about that."
"Oh, shut up and get back to being a brawly goon."



"And now we're in a labyrinth?"
"Not quite. Looks more like a city block."
"With bugs and dirt heaps on the rooftops."



"This kind of makes me wonder if I could fire my hook shot into dirt golems and use them as traversing poles."
"We're literally 'poles apart', get it?"
"Well, look at Mr. Pink Floyd Fan here."
"Hey, it's not my fault I like great music. Wait, I was wrong; it totally is."



"Skull Lizard. Right. So... if he loses his wand, does that make him a Regular Lizard?"
"Let's find out by chopping off both his arms."
"I think he's just inviting us all to a group hug."
"Well, that's just because you're a tree-hugging hippie."
"I am NOT!"



"I don't know about you guys, but I'm getting kind of bored."
"Bored already? Didn't you just get a new 'bring out your inner child' toy?"
"Yeah, but... not many chances to use it. It's tempting to go back to the gift room and cast reset so that I can burn it down again and again."
"And doesn't that sound like a great load of fun."
"I'd let you do it too."
"Well, in that case..."



"Real pumping action."
"I'm seeing a money-making idea in that one."
"You better not be thinking what I think you're thinking, because I would hate to tell you that you're wrong, and that you will remain single forever."



"Oh dear Lord, don't look down, everyone."
"Eh, what could go wroOUGHBLARGH!"
"...."
"Eugh! Hope nobody was standing around under here."



"Hmmm."
"This room kind of says 'don't be a square, fall down here'."



"Yeah, this wall's got that very message. And in 'reverse psychology mode' too."
"Did we bring the House of Pain CDs?"



"Thank you, Mr. Phantom Dirt Blot. You get to live."



"That went well, I guess. Had to be a big key, thankfully, to not break when it's made of wood."
"Good thing it didn't look like a tree, though. That would have been one of the least useful key designs ever."



"Does that mean you went all the way here and then didn't expect it to be worthwhile?"
"Or maybe you went all the way here because you knew it would be worthwhile? Is there something you're not telling us? Hmmm?"
"Wait, you teamed up with Mr. Pinko? Dude, seriously... standards!"



"Kaaay, so... what's stopping us?"



"Oh."
"You surprised? There's usually always bosses in these caves. Right?"
"Well, there was this one cave...."
"Right! But still, the odds."



"Because that's what you'll do with a ship, right? Sail at sea?"



"And this is what we're reduced to? Fighting whatever's LION around?"
"....."
"Har har. I guess the joke's on us for getting you Lion King for your birthday."
"Well, I wanted to give him a manlier gift, but you downvoted me on that."
"Joke's on me, I guess."



"You can make a whole ship out of a single tree? Well, aren't you shipmaker Jesus or something."
"Can you feed hordes of thousands on just a few fish and a few loaves of bread too?"



"Um... totally didn't mean for that to sound very suggestive, though."
"But seriously, dude; you need to stop coming on to every single guy we ever meet, Maxim. It's really embarrassing, and it makes us all ashamed of you."
"Oh, shut up! That's not what has happened, and you know it."


Having finally obtained all the wood they'd ever need, our heroes return to town to get the boat ready. Still wondering when they'll meet Idura the Magnificent again, they decide on some R&R while they wait for the boat to be built.



"....."
"Uh... I mean..."
"Well, judging by the howling laughter we hear from the near vincinity, more people might've heard that question. Good to see you haven't lost the ability to unintentionally embarrass someone to the point where they literally have to move to a different town."
"As if someone had the ability to do that."


To be continued....

[northlander]

Chapter 14: The Pimpin' Piper of Hameln.




"As opposed to... uh, using my hands?"
"Well, this got awkward real fast."



"I thought only girls were into the kind of shipping that comes with woodies."
"Touché. I guess I should return to the drawing board. Those stories about you and Guy doing the wooden pole dance aren't going to write themselves."



"Well, we don't HAVE to, but..."
"Maybe we can just head over to the inn and sleep for three days straight."
"That would ensure that we're all very well rested."



"I... don't know what to say to that kind of skillset bragging."
"Well, he's good at cutting in."
"Into what?"
"Eh, hell if I know."



"Selan, I married you because I love you, but... did you feel it had been too long since you said something dumb?"
"Well, I did score the jackpot, didn't I? I mean... I could have gone for the socially inept guys here, or I could go for useless twits who never seem to get any better regardless of how long I train them."



"I guess I must have missed the memo saying a man can only relax in a bar normally patroned by chefs."
"At least it's not a bar patroned by Village People cosplayers."
"And we're about to join the navy too, aren't we?"
"No butts shall be left untouched."



"No, you will not. And take your hands out of my pants."



"Maybe it's just me, but all the people here talk in the language of questionable suggestions."
"Or innuendo. Or slang words for... uh... wing wongs. Trouser snakes. The leaning towers of..."
"OK, I get it. Enough, already."



"You do what all the time? Stand around on mountains until somebody drops by to kill whatever lions are guarding that very specific tree you want to use?"
"Which was a piece of cake, by the way. I can't see how you could have any problems with it. I mean... you did make it up that mountain by your lonesome, and I doubt you went searching for the very specific key and solved all the puzzles and burned all the bushes before getting there."
"Heh. 'Burned all the bushes', huh? I bet they've never used THAT one in this town before."



"Well, sorry for interrupting you from your very meaningful life, but we got a boat to ride."
"Besides, we're short on seamen, so kindly board this ride right now."
"I think we need to leave. This town's sickness is rubbing off on us. Or rubbing on. Maybe."



"Well, that's what you get when your 'special skill' is 'jamming your hand into someone's pants'."
"Or up someone's skirts. Dr. MacDoo was not amused."



"That sounds like a fun place."
"It's like they cornered the market of hand mirrors, and then stole all of them so that they could stand around admiring themselves."



"I guess we could really go anywhere we liked now, right? Any chance of us actually doing that?"
"We could, but we'd just be stuck at this state of completion until we get to where Idura is in the vain hope that we get to kill him this time, because lord knows everyone loves a boss enemy that just won't die, right?"



"Maybe he was against censorship."
"Yes, I... what?"
"Well, you can't expect them to show the actions of every ax-crazed lunatic out there."
"Yes, whatever. Anyway, Idura's an incompetent villain, isn't he? Not only does he not kill anyone, but nobody got hurt? Really?"
"And this is bad... how?"
"Well, it's not, but... villains need to do evil stuff so that our murdering them will be justified. If they aren't going to do anything but ineptly kidnap babies or destroy boats, it's going to reflect badly on us if we go for the 'sword up bum' punishment, isn't it?"



"Sounds like we're all speaking English to me. Is there a hidden dialect that people won't be able to read in us that give our westernness away?"
"Well, I defy all that. I wear my westernness like a badge of honor."
"Oh, we know."



"AND WE HAVE OUR DIRECTION!"
"One Direction?"
"Eugh, no. Spare us from the attention of hastily assembled boy bands with the life expectancy of around one season of 'America's got too many goddamn people who want to be famous'."



"Oh, come on. It wasn't that bad."
"Everyone's a critic in this town."
"They're probably just bitter about the boats."



"Hmm. Funny thing, that's where we have to go as well."
"Well, at least whoever's playing the flute isn't playing 'Go West'."
"With all the boats destroyed, that would just be town mass murder."



"Well, that seems weirdly specific for a flute effect."
"Maybe he was playing Bella's Lullaby or something."
"Or whatever else these darn kids are listening to these days."
"So, Selan.... you a Twilight fan?"
"I... don't care to answer that question."
"Hah! I knew it."
"OK, OK; I was young and stupid. That's kind of what helped me make the decision to become the main Commander of the Parcelytian armies. I wanted to distance myself from the girl I was."
"Well, if you're going to be all sensible about it...."
"But, bottom line here, someone's playing a flute, and all the pretty girls just clear out of town like puppets on a string."



"So, this town is full of unmarried women? That's what you're saying?"
"Hey! No picking on plot holes here."
"Guy, this isn't a 'plot hole'. It's just me refuting your stupid comment, because it wasn't necessary. I was just wondering why I'm not influenced by this melody, because it's honestly puzzling me. I'm happy about it, don't get me wrong."
"Maybe it's a virgin thing."
"Oh, shut up!"



"You... what... I just..."



"Looks like Selan's saying we need to go our separate ways."
"Yep. Me and Maxim's gonna separate from the idiot group and go by ourselves. Come see us again when you grow a pair."



"You don't say."
"I would be more worried if they were walking weird AFTER they return from the tower."
"You just HAD to take that comment to the next step, didn't you?"



"And was she walking weird?"
"EWWWW, DEKAR!"



"Yeah, that's the only thing missing in this here town; Crazy Old Conspiracy Guy."
"By his weird walk, you can tell he's already been on HIS first visit."
"Because he already got.."
"STOP EXPLAINING THE JOKES, DAMN IT!"



"First rule of Tower of Sacrifice Club: don't walk on the carpet."



"Dragonian? Well... I guess that name makes sense."
"Hey, wanna try just standing here and seeing how long they can keep flying?"
"Great idea. Maybe they'll commit seppuku if their feet touch the... well, the carpet that isn't here anymore."



"Wait, there's a line now?"
"Well, they can't all fight us at once."
"Unfortunately."



"Eesh, this got pretty ridonkulous."
"It's like 'The Mask' times four."
"As long as they don't start to dance the rhumba, that's fine with me."
"Or they whip out clusters of gun barrels as if they were trying to woo Lady Death."



"....."
"...uh."
"I have no idea if this is silly, adorable or freaking metal."
"They say that if you chop the head off a chicken, the body will still continue to run around, but, come to think of it, they never go into what the head will do."
"Adapt a fire mohawk and pick fights, it seems. Which is kind of badass, I have to admit."



"OK, so the lumpy thing push you away. At least that was mildly educational."
"At least we know what the theme of this tower will be. Now to figure out this INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT PUZZLE HERE OMG!"
"Levers again?! NOOOOOOO!"
"Don't sweat it, Max. I'll take care of the levers from now on."



"This reminds me; we were talking about seppuku a while back, weren't we?"
"Yes, we were. Why?"



"Oh."
"Ochi Warrior? What did he do? Show up in a QB Finest video?"
"I don't think so. Only ladies were allowed to show up there."
"....."
"Uh oh."
"What?"
"I just realized why the music only attracted young, attractive, single females."



"What the..."
"That's not an octopus at all."
"Maybe the crabs got him."
"Well, that's what he deserved for putting his tentacles where they don't belong."



"Well, lookie lookie. Do we want to fight some more chicken heads?"
"If possible, I'd rather not."



"It's the key that loves itself so much."
"It won't accept ANY doors. It'd much rather just unlock itself."



"Or... not, I guess?"
"Well, this is just disappointing."
"And speaking of which."



"So, the weird spooky eyes hardhat moles also push pushable stuff. Imagine that."



"And so; TADAAAA!"
"I'm so proud of you."



"Reverse the... huh?"
"Well, it's not the ship's polarity, that's for damn sure."
"So how do we reverse panels anyway?"
"What else? With BOMBS, of course."



"He's the champion of safety at work."
"Well, at least I hope so, because I got enough weird sexual innuendo back in that town we just visited. Honestly, I'm hesitant about rescuing the girls. I mean... what if they are as weird as the guys from that town? There's no telling what they might come up with once they grow comfortable with the strangers in their midst."



"Well, maybe some more crabs will take care of that."
"Wow, it's been a while since I heard that line."
"....."
"Uh... I mean...."
"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
"Oh, shut up. You never had to work with a lot of useless guys who, when failing to become adept fighters, tries to impress me in... other ways."
"OHGODPLEASESTOPWECAN'TBREATHE!"
"Hmmm. That gives me an idea."



"Oh... oh... you are an evil, evil woman."
"Maybe, but you were still able to breathe again before the fight started."
"And look, it's an actual octopus this time around.... referred to as a fish, but still...."
"Good thing they marked it as an evil fish too. Otherwise, I might feel guilty about stabbing it to death."



"So, this room has squares that are pushed on each side of the hallways we walk through? How does THAT make any sense?"
"You mean aside from us fighting FISH inside a completely dry area?"
"Well... yes?"
"Hell if I know."



"Well, that felt... pointless."



"Oh, look. Here's Mr. Romantic out being unfaithful again. I'd say the girls have many things to worry about."
"Yeah, that's easy for you to say, Mr. Never Had A Girlfriend And Never Will."
"It sure is."
"....."
"Guys, can we please focus on the task at hand?"



"Well, I count seven heads. With... uh, four girls? Wait, those are all the females that town had?"
"If that's supposed to be an even share, that means eight people -- or maybe seven or nine -- live in that town. It's a freaking metropolis."
"Anyway, seven heads? Who are we missing now?"



"Mmmm hmm? Four sinistrals, huh? Since you're obviously not one..."
"HEY!"
"Well, you aren't, are you? So with Gades taken out, that leaves three. Or was Gades the fifth?"
"Oh, shut up. I will not allow you to confuse me into letting you loose."



"Ugh! I got outsmarted by Dekar. That really... smarts."
"What can I say? I'm a hit with all the ladies."



"You are going to live on this one single victory for ever and ever, aren't you? It's your apology post for every single screwup you'll ever make from now on."
"Yep."
"Hrrrrrgh!"



"That's not quite how it works, but whatever."
"You can win all the ladies too... if the PRICE IS RIGHT! Because that's how we all work, right?"



"I mean... I hope you realize that you just annulled your one big scene, the ONE single thing you could have lorded over me like a pathetic drunkard who lives vicariously through his one big accomplishment."
"I know, I know. Curse it all."



"Man, do I feel like I'm trapped in some kind of terrible play."
"I know, right? It's like... it takes all the energy out of doing anything. If the Sinistrals master this, we really will be screwed."



"Um... Dekar, what are you doing?"
"Oh, God, please don't tell me he's going to succeed in..."



"Yep, he did it. This is even worse than when he first outsmarted the trap, because with this, he won through something completely meaningless."
"YES! my victory has returned. I FEEL ALIVE AGAIN!"
"I'm... not sure how to feel about this anymore."



"And please stick around this time, because I don't want to have to run after you again."


With Idura finally cornered, there is nothing to do but fight. This is where Idura will make his last stand. Where it's mano a mano... a mano... a womano? Well, something like that. So, how does the fight go?



"D'OH!"
"I shall heretofore call him... Sir Robin."
*sigh* "And do we really have to track him down?"
"I don't really want to, but I'm sure we'll face him again regardless."
"How about starting a betting pool on whether we'll really get to kill him or not?"
"Tempting, but... no."


To be continued....

[Solana]

That second last chapter was pure gold, with too many awesome bits to pick one. This last one shows one of my favorite parts of the game.

A few years ago, I found a fan art someone had done on the website Icy Brian's that sums up this scene quite well.

[northlander]

I liked how Guy and Dekar was all eager to get the rescue mission underways because they expected there would be some kind of... reward... for completing it successfully, but they got none of that because all the girls they rescued already had boyfriends/husbands.

Then again, so did Guy.

[northlander]

Chapter 15: Idura's Last Grandstand.




"Oh, look at Mr. Smooth Talker over here."
"Somebody's gonna see some action tonight, I bet."
"I know. It's so unfair."
"....."
"Guy, you already have a girlfriend. If you want some romance or, I would suspect, have sex, why not just ask her?! Is she saving herself for marriage or something?"
"No, not really."
"Then I just... don't... argh!"
"Leave it be, Selan. Just let him screw up on his own."
"Yeah, might as well. No stress-related stroke is worth this."
"Hey, guys. Look."



"Um... wait a second."
"I wonder if she was married. Because if that was the case..."
"Don't look at me. I just boarded the train for Don't Care, population heck if I know."



"Oh, come on! This isn't fair!"
"What'sa matter, Dekar. Not getting much back for your own personal investment?"
"Heh. Look who's enjoying himself now."
"Laaaaa la la la laaaa don't care la la la don't caaaaare."



"And there goes the last adult female damsel."
"I have to admit it was quite a clever move of the latecomers. They get to play the rescuing hero without having to face the danger."
"Those assholes. And I had my harem plans all lined up too."
"But Dekar, there's still one left."
"Oh, shut up!"



"You're kind of... tiny. And I'm not a lolicon."
"Give her a good ten - fifteen years, Dekar. I'm sure she'll come around."
"So says the guy with the devious grin."
"And look who's back."
"Yeah, well... this was too amusing to miss."



"...I should have seen that coming."
"And the glorious joke is now complete. And it's all on you."
"Um... I'm... starting to feel bad about all this now."
"Yeah. Nobody should have to suffer four rejections in a row... within five minutes."
"Well, nobody should fall in love with four women either, and string them all along at the same time, but whatevs, right?"
"True, but I don't think Dekar's smart enough to string a woman along, much less four. So since someone else did the stringing, why not go through with the rescue and hope at least one would give him the time of day afterwards?"
"Well, it's the whole damsel thing, but... yeah, fair enough, I guess."



"Well, if we have to be all serious again...."
"Four Sinistrals are going to blow up the world. Yes, I do believe it's time to get serious."



"Also, didn't we already kill Gades? Wouldn't that mean that there's Gades AND four other Sinistrals? And did I already ask you guys that before?"
"I... have no idea. All the monotonous key-sniffing, cave-stomping and running around has left my memory kind of hazy to earlier conversations."



"Paaah. I knew it."
Did he bring any kidnapped women along?"
"Why would he when he can just kidnap more women from the next city over. Then, we can rescue them too, so that they can all ignore you."
"Hey, you wanted to do that too."
"Yeah, but I'm smart enough to have a backup option."
"There seems to be some kind of 'who can be the biggest douche' competition going on here... between Guy and Idura."
"I'm sure he will enjoy being told that the next time we meet him."



"You don't say. Let's go see him. We're heroes, so I'm sure we'll meet him right away."
"Oh, listen to Mr. Schadenfreude here."
"Hey, I wouldn't have been so hard on these people if they'd only TRY something before leaving it to whatever heroes come running through their town."



"Speaking of towns..."
"Calling this a 'town' might be a wee bit generous. It's a neat little house with a very circular picket fence around it."
"It's even got a well all of its own."



"I wouldn't exactly call Idura a 'super' being. Fabulous, perhaps, but...."
"He sure is 'super' at running away, though."



"Eesh, I think these people are only setting themselves up for disappointment."
"And look at Blondie McBlonde here who, upon hearing news of super beings, goes straight into 'gimme' mode."
"Oh, they'll get something, alright."



"Yeah, that can't be good."
"Couldn't possibly be related, right?"



"Well, it's... not a tower. That's good, I guess?"
"Not that we haven't already seen our share of temples, though."
"So, what kind of ass can we expect to be able to kick in here, then? I got some frustrations to vent."
"Well...."



"How about some random stones lying around?"
"You're just a pillar of support, aren't you?"
"Well, I have all these unlimited bombs in my pockets. Might as well use a few, right?"



"What's with all the sea creatures on dry land? Wouldn't it be better if they were saved for waterfront areas or underground caves or something?"
"Ammonite? I don't even want to know how THAT one got created."
"Their mating rituals must be quite interesting."



"Well, it's a couple of... uh, dogs."
"Obvious joke is too obvious, isn't it?"
"Yyyeah."



"Hmmm, yes, I think I can see where this is going."
"No! Not the hookshot!"
"We can still do the door up there, Maxim. There's no need to go to extreme lengths."
"Or... you know, relatively short lengths."



"OK, so... what the hell was the point of this room? Aside from the chest, I mean."
"What is the problem?"
"Well, I flick both switches, and that pole in the middle rises up. That's... about it."
"Then hook your ass over there and pick up your reward. Why does it have to be so difficult."
"It could have been. Would make me feel more accomplished when I finished it."
"Well, gee.. four evil people will ruin the world. We're not exactly swimming in time here."



"The blade was called what?"
"Uh... Dekar blade."
"Mine? Sweet."
"Funny part is; you ARE the only one who can wield this sword, as if the concept of holding a certain sword is completely alien to the rest of us. I don't even remember if I had the ability to wield that frying pan Tia's store had for sale."



"Oh well, let's check out what's on the other side."
"Either that is another medusa, or we've gotten a visit by Poison Ivy."
"Joel Schumacher style?"
"...preferably not."



"Oh, thank God. It was a medusa."
"And a dragon... something... breaking up the combo."



"NGAH! Why did that thing light up?"
"Motion sensing technology? How scientific. Well, let's continue our journey to the epically magical deity showdown."



"What the hell is that?"
"Did Idura send out his fabulous pink armor to fight us?"
"If I was his armor, I would want to do that as well."



"Oh, it's a Dullaha.. wait, Jurahan? Man, aren't we being assaulted by a torrent of typos here."
"Tell that to my editor."
"...why would I do that? And what's an editor anyway?"



"Curse you, extendo-wall. And curse you, pushable block underneath. How do you expect me to be able to figure this one out?"



"That doesn't look like a lion's fang at all. Well, unless said lion's been taking styling tips from gangsta rappers."
"I'm just curious where to stick that bastard to make use of its effects. I mean... we're wearing gemstones?"
"Like I said... gangsta rappers."



"Ah, another teleporting pad. Nothing quite like it to screw up any chance of me getting a good sense of where I'm going."



"Enemy dungeons, now with segments that make you feel like you work in production storage. Again."
"What a mess. We should totally clean up this place too."



"Eh, it's not that dark."
"It's lightly grey with a hint of blue.... flames all around the skull."
"So, uh... we gonna headbutt those things to death or what?"
"No, of course not. Why would we want to do that?"



"Hmmm. We got fractured walls and we got bombs. Just to be sure, can we have some dots that needs connecting too?"



"Two exits, and I immediately choose the wrong one first."
"And how would you know that?"
"Because the spikes are blocking the way?"
"Oh. I expected you to... um..."
"To what?"
"Never mind that. Let's just head over to that other hole we blew up in the wall and flip the lever there."
"How do you know there's a lever there?"
"Erm.... intuition."



"Oh, goodie. We're about to do the boss fight. Good thing they're going a bit easy on us and allows us to refill everything and save beforehand."



"Um... or not."
"The hell is that on the right? The Green Goblin?"
"Maybe it's a gremlin."



"Or a troll."
"Maybe if we stand around long enough, their spines will snap, which would take care of THAT problem. Then it's just the dragon lizard dude to deal with."



"Meh, that was boring, and I'm not in the mood for Chess. Or Archon."



"Every time you did something, we got in your way, you say? Well, let's take a look at what you did, then, you goddamned moron."
"You kidnapped our son. And then you basically baited us to come get you."
"And then you had the bright idea to basically destroy all the boats in the next city over... which wasn't the worst idea you ever had, granted, but you followed that up with blabbering about Sinistrals who are coming to destroy us all. So if you insist on giving us only one way to settle things and nothing to lose, you only have yourself to blame when things don't go your way."
"It's good to see that you won't run away anymore, though. Because we are all good and tired of chasing your ass all over the place. Be a good boy and die like a man, OK?"



"We didn't come here to escape. We came here to run your little pinky armor through."
"And hoo boy, are we going to enjoy this."



"He what? Does he wear gloves of paralysis or something?"
"Yeah, I mean... how could you be kidnapped by someone who literally can't manhandle anything bigger than a baby?"
"Um.... well, you see..."
"Even I'm starting to wonder who you really are, woman. Your odd re-appearances aren't exactly inspiring votes of confidence or trust."



"Wait, he left?! I thought we finally beat his ass straight into the afterlife this time."
"Yes, that's what I meant."



"I don't think Idura was the lord and master of all magic, so this only makes sense, right?"
"It would be really depressing if he was."
"No, I meant this temple is still suffused with magic."
"How does THAT even work? We've already kind of established that we got our own magic -- well, most of us do, anyway."
"Hey!"



"Hmm, well, pushing pillars into place seems to be the right course of action here."



"...and when that's done, a huge pole ascends from the dark hole beneath. How Freudian."



"More jewelry? Jolly, jolly good."
"Now let me just put this ring on my finGGRAAAAAARGH!"
"HULK SAY YES!"



"Stop with the pillars already. I'm not going to run out of bombs. It's needless busywork."



"Oh, look. It's a carpet."
"Man, I haven't seen one of those for... oh, five minutes."
"This one has a nice pattern, though, which makes all the difference."



"So, can we buy these very specific magic spell blocking balls?"
"Nah, the temples have a monopoly on those."
"Well, that's no fun. I liked imagining us showing up at the Sinistrals', bringing enough balls to block everything. That would really cheesing stuff up."



"Um... and you are going to stop us... how?"



"Did you get your answer, Dekar?"
"I'm kind of busy right now."



"Dekar, we could all take care of this really easily. No need to drama this stuff up."
"GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!"
"Oh, fine!"



"Well, at least I'll be getting one of you."
"Pshyeah! Dream on, pinky."


As it all goes to hell, our heroes ponder Dekar's fate and the surely inescapable finality of it all. As they prepare to bid their ally farewell, they share a last soliloquy.



"...yeah, you're right. Let's just continue our journey."
"Well, that was easy, wasn't it?"
"Heeeey, don't you miss me at all?"
"Hmmm. I wonder who said that."
"Pfft, if you're going to be all mean about it, maybe I won't return later in the nick of time to help you out during a tense moment."


To be continued....

[northlander]

Chapter 16: Have Free Spot in Party, Need Science.




"Well, the guy is still alive, so that'll be an easy job."
"Well, what can we expect from Miss Disappears Without A Trace? I mean... what are you hiding, lady?"
"A magnificent chest, if you ask me."
"I wasn't."
"It's true, though, so don't be a hater."
"Oh, shut up!"



"And their little puppy too."
"More like puppies I'll say. Rrrawr!"
"Ssssh. No spoilers now."
"How are Iris's boobies a spoiler? That was a tight top with a deep cleavage if I ever saw one."
"That... wasn't what I was getting at."
"I'd get me some of that any day."
"Are you done being an immature teenager now? Also, you have a girlfriend already, Guy. And far as I could tell from what little I saw of her, she's even more stacked than our Miss Mysterious."



"No, it's not."
"Erm... I think we have to at least explore this area."
"Explore, you say? What do you think we are? Adventurers?"



"Um... guys, I don't think we really need to kill someone's lawn gnomes."
"I disagree. Good taste always dictate that we need to deal with tastelessness the moment we see it."
"It's even the kind you fasten to the side of a tree. We need to find the people doing this and force them to watch Ferngully. Repeatedly."
"We might get in trouble with the human rights department if we do that."



"Anyway, there's our town. Not too far off course, I'd say."



"Yes, I tend to look at the people I'm talking to. Are you saying you do things different in this town?"
"Um... honey, I think he's talking about the ship."
"Why would I talk to a ship?"
"No, I... *sigh* ...are you doing this on purpose?"
"I must admit it's great to see you fill in the role of the dumbass for once."



"Yes. So, he left selling the ship to the ship cook?"
"I think they're supposed to look like sailors, but yeah, they really look like someone who belongs in a kitchen, don't they?"
"Which is kind of hilarious coming from this somewhat sexist world of ours."
"Urgh! Don't remind me."



"That's being a little bit judgemental."
"Well, what would you expect from a guy who hands out boat-selling tasks to Hell's Kitchen? All we're missing now is Gordon Ramsay shouting at us for being hesitant."



"Bwah! So, we got a dungeon trudge waiting for us?"



"Pshyeah, as if anyone in this world would actually travel anywhere."
"Granted, we have met people who travel from one town to another at times..."
"...bringing their kids who make sure that no travel between towns will be simple and convenient."
"Ye-..wait, how do you know that?"
"Because both you and Tia told me about it. It's actually kind of amusing how you two told the same story wildly differently."
"This I gotta hear."
"It wasn't much. Mostly that Maxim thought the kid could use a good spanking, while Tia was all 'OMG KIDS ARE INNOCENCE AND SWEETNESS'."
"Well, I'm not sure if Miss 'Girls' Tears Are Special' is in any position to judge."
"Guh! Why did I have to say something like that?!"



"I... will wisely refrain to comment on that."
"Well, whatever you're bringing, it's not your brainpower."



"Is that right?"
"See? I told you he was untrustworthy."
"I would call that crazy, but maybe that's just me. Untrustworthy is when he stabs us in the back."



"While I'm all for that attitude, there's more options than 'housewife' and 'sailor', right?"
"Well, maybe if her jumping abilities are up to scratch... and her underlings are terrible enough... she can become a ship's captain."
"Are you saying I'm not worthy of my status as adventurer because I'm a woman?"
"Well... no, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that it would be a bit nicer to earn the status of adventuring hero when everyone else aren't a bunch of useless bints. You know, the things I've mentioned before."
"Oh. Right. Yeah, that makes sense, I guess."



"Um... so... do we choose the door or the stairway further down?"
"My vote's on the door."
"Yep. Door for me too."
"Oh, fine. Be boring."



"....."
"I'm... not sure what to say."
"Well... either the guy is a huge fan of doors."
"Or he's fighting against the tyranny of long hallways. Filled with monsters or anything that might make this trek interesting."
"The guy is supposedly a genius, so this might be an experiment in itself."
"Joy."



"Yyyyeah, nice try, but I'm going to go into the other door."
"It's like this genius is trying to turn humanity into petulant children who have to be guided with reverse psychology."



"Right you are. Both of you."
"Well, this long string of rooms has done nothing but try to screw us over, so are you really surprised?"
"Though I think I can respect the decision to try to screw over people who go for the easiest and most obvious solution... most of the time anyway."
"Is that why you never want to commit to your official girlfriend?"
"I... don't think I want to answer that."



"We walked."
"Also, if you don't want visitors, you might want to consider not telling people where you are."
"It's not that I mind visitors, but it's not often people come asking for the favors of the fastest ship sinker on this side of the Missisippi."
"Cant imagine why."



"Aaaah, the unsinked one. I thought I'd try selling one this time around. Saves a bit of time between the crazy experiments."



"Must be a man thing; build a huge engine and put it into something that couldn't possibly contain it."
"I'm... going to refrain to comment on the implications."
"D'oh!"
"Can I?"
"NO!
"Phooey."
"Um... aren't you gong to ask me what I'm working on?"
"Oh! Right. Sorry."



"Well, as long as you don't start talking about pounding pistons....."
"All that dirty talk makes me hunger for some Hostess Fruit Pies."
"Pie, you say?"

*what about pie, you might ask...



*um... never mind.



"The thing... it rotates."
"So hypnotic...."
"Well, that wasn't my primary goal for the rotary engine, but one should never completely ignore potential secondary effects that can be exploited in the worst ways."



"And in the next episode of 'Out of Context'....."
"All the showers in the world will never be enough."
"Guuuyyyyys!"



"You aren't ambigiously playing for the other team, wearing clothes that I wouldn't be caught dead in."
"You mean the people who walk around the piers looking like chefs?"
"...right, that's how we roll in this crazy world. Forgot about that."



"Well... yes, and it's quite suspicious how you'd know that."
"Not at all. I've been going to the school of detecting energy."



"So, you built a machine that can read energy levels? I know of some Saiyajins that would like to talk to you about that."
"Preferably in shouty, surprised voices."



"Well, we're warriors, sure, but I question the 'disciplined' part."
"I dunno. Sounds like Guy's getting disciplined just plenty by Jessy."
"Oh har har. I'll have you know my sister's the disciplinarian in our little family."
"Haw haw haw haw."
"I've never been a big believer in the 'the less you know' principle, but now..."



"I've never been much on concentratin', but..."
"I can believe that."
"Well, you try concentrating on anything when you have a girlfriend and a sister jabbering in each of your ears constantly. Seriously, why do you think I took up adventuring in the first place?"
"I dunno... your sister seemed pretty reasonable to me. Well, aside from that stupid argument she and Tia got me involved in, but... yeah."



"Meaning... what? Five times bigger than... the Sinistrals?"
"I hope so, because five times bigger readings than Idura... well, that wouldn't amount to much, would it?"
"Eh, I doubt that. We murdered Idura so hard, he never had time to give off any readings."
"His running away readings would be off the scales, though."



"Yeesh, one reading, and they're both addicted. It's all going to be about power levels, isn't it?"
"Well, I... kind of drove my fellow soldiers crazy with 'IT'S OVER 9000!' jokes, so I thought I'd get a more legitimate reason to continue it."
"We don't really have any basis on the 'so and so many times' thing, though."
"Eh, I can deal with a little ambiguity when driving them crazy. In fact, that's the best way to go about it."
"True dat."



"Aw, phooey. This obviously doesn't have anything to do with physical strength."
"Well, obviously. I mean... you can't do magic at all."
"Are you guys done waving your penises around? And let me add how odd saying this feels when one of the penis-wavers is my wife."
"Oh really? Is there something you two haven't told me yet?"
"No, I'm pretty sure we already told you that you're an idiot."



"So, the range is 'five', 'eight' and 'off the scales'? You don't do your scales shopping at Spinal Tap's, do you?"
"Well, 'off the scales' sounds more impressive than 'eleven' regardless of what they say."
"Uwe Boll might make you feel different about that."
"Well, any term sounds less awesome if you overdo it."



"Sarcastic now, are we?"
"Nonono."



"In other words, just another day on the job."
"Though we don't often get the kind of challenges that the Sinistrals provide, though."
"Then again, we already did defeat one of them, so... how hard can the others be?"



"Um... well, I know we have a free spot in our party roster, but... I dunno."
"Swords and spells we already have covered. How about guns?"
"Sorry, but we haven't invented something like that yet. Cannons, sure, but that's not exactly the kind one can carry around."
"Even with power levels as awesome as ours?"
"Haha, that doesn't make any sense, does it? But yes, that's how it is."
"Bah! Just because we're not serious enough."



"And he's sporting a pretty rockin' 'stache."
"The symbol of dignified gentlemen everywhere."
"You're pretty old for a hero, aren't you? I mean... what are you? Are you, like... in your late twenties or something?"
"Yep. Positively ancient, aren't I?"
"Be happy. Your kind is usually limited to just being vaguely impressive in the opening act, and then having to step aside for the younger generation, often by way of dying."



"I guess that didn't include joining us from the get-go."
"Feh! Old people these days. So lazy."
"Come to think of it, weren't we supposed to get help from someone to build a boat?"
"Blah! Well, thank the heavens for teleporting spells."



"There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like any town we've visited before, so we can teleport back there again."
"And it's plot-hole foolproof too; you can basically visit any place you've already been because you know where it is, but not places you haven't been to, because... well..."
"Yeah, tell that to the damn Sinistrals. Cheating bastards..."



"Don't worry about the details. Or whether we need to go get another tree. That's not important right now."
"Uh... I'm not sure it works like that."
"Why not?"
"Because.... well, how should I know?"
"Then you don't get to tell me what works or not."
*sigh* "If only the internet had been invented. You'd fit right in with the internet debating crowd."



"Well, you'd have to see the engine to design the boat, right? Makes sense to me."
"Oh, sure, THAT makes sense, but not the thing with the wood, right?"
"Yes! Yes, it does. Deal with it."


Having to get another boat built, our heroes wonder what they're going to do with yet another block of free time. Maybe some R&R would be in order? One would imagine Maxim and Selan would like some private time as well. Anything can happen when boat production is on the line.



"What the...."
"Are we buying flowers from junkies now?"
"And are we supposed to put it in a pot, or do we put it in a pipe and smoke it?"
"How can you be so cruel? It's a girl and she's obviously in trouble. We should drop everything and help her out immediately."
"I'm not sure you calling her stuttering 'a problem' is a nice thing to do."
"I totally didn't mean that and you know it."
"Oh, sure; I make one offhand joke, and I'm the rude one."
"Oh, quiet, you."
"Guys, she's just about to keel over here."


To be continued....

[northlander]

Chapter 17: Flower Power Over The Cliffs of Dover.




"She's already flat on her back, that lazy..."
"Selan!"
"I was just kidding. Come on, let's just carry her to their home."
"I was almost expecting you to pitch a jealous fit, Selan. You impress me."
"Guy, there's a time and a place for everything, and this is not the time for that."



"You can deal living on water and bread crumbs for a while, right?"
"Um... Selan, I'm sure even a small town like this has a health coverage system or something."
"I... was just kidding."
"Selan, you're a harsh mistress, aren't you?"
"Oh, you have nooooo idea."
"Ohoho. Say no more."
"He's right, though. I'll jump him any chance I get, both literally and figuratively."
"It's a shame this bed is already taken, though."
"Aaaand there goes the innocence of the children. Good going, you two."
"Um.... oops."



"Yes, that's exactly the sort of thing we'd like to hear from someone who collapsed from exhaustion ten minutes ago. You get back into that bed, woman, and you close those eyes."



"You're... not listening, are you?"
"Well, when women are being difficult, there's just one thing to do."



"I mean... why would we care about her opinions and right to choose?"
"Free will dictates that this girl is going to go exploring a mountain and, let's be clear about this; she will get killed. I don't necessarily think we should make all her decisions for her, but I'm thinking a little restraint is in order when someone is in the process of making a really stupid decision."
"I.... know. I know, OK? It was just a kneejerk response. I'm sorry."
"Remember her king, Maxim. He wasn't exactly a beacon of gender equality."
"I know. I'm... sorry too. But this girl isn't going to last long if she ventures outside town. Which means she's around the same level as almost everyone else."
"Do you guys often fight like this?"
"No, we're usually too busy... well, fighting."
"Outside, that is. Against monsters. Because... well, nobody else can."
"Well, that's... one way of letting off some steam, I guess. Also, once again; the children...."



"Ever since we had a child, me and Maxim have taken turns using drowsy to get a good night's sleep while the other takes care of the baby."
"And here I thought women were better equipped for dealing with hungry babies."
"We do use a bottle too."
"I would too, if I couldn't get my regular snoozes."
"Pshyeah, let's see how that goes when you have kids."
"Right! Could you see that happening?"
"Not really, but I imagine Jessy might be willing and able to do something about that."



"Let's hear it from Mr. Big Macho Man Randy; Horticulturist, poet and thinker."
"Well, you know what they say: you can lead a whore to culture..."
"That wasn't even your joke, you thief."
"Maybe not, but didn't we have a place to get to?"



"Well, we're walking between some minor hills and some bigger mountains to find a very specific mountain. It's a case of 'how will we know?'"
"It's very easy. We just walk into stuff until the scenery changes. Problem solved."
"It must be nice living in an alternative world."
"'cause I am an alternative gi-.. you know what? That joke isn't something I want to be known for."
"Too late, AlternaGirl."



"Yes, it's Flower Mountain. And it's full of flowers."
"....."
"Or not?"
"Well, there are rocks."



"What the..."
"Is that a... mouse? Or a rat?"
"Or a lemming?"



"Or a.... bear?"
"...sure, why not?!"
"A Lunar bear? He's a long way from home, isn't he?"
"Let's give him a helping boot... up his Lunar butt, that is."



"THAT'S RIGHT, PARDNER! YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IIIIIS!"
"KEEP ON POSIN', BABY!"
"So, when is it Miller time already?"
"Don't hold your breath."



"The big irony is that we can never use this in battle."
"Well, that sucks. I would like to bash some skulls in with this big baby."



"Not only are they trampling people's lawns, but they are also apparently leaving these huge man-eating plants. I knew those gnomes were evil, but this..."
"Somehow, I don't think this is the flower we're supposed to find."
"Well, at least they are flowers. This is 'Flower Mountain', after all."



"You were saying?"
"Beats me. But I guess 'Rock Mountain' would be a little bit too redundant."
"Oh? I would love to live on Rock Mountain. It's got the best soundtrack."



"Heeey. You guys aren't flowers at all."
"The stuff they're raising isn't the kind that smells like roses either."
"Thank you for that lovely mental... uh, scent."



"YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!"
"Well, doesn't it feel like we just passed the idiot test or what?"
"At least that old guy isn't around to be all patronizing and treatings us all like three-year old's."
"Who now?"
"You... don't wanna know."



"Having to combine hammer use AND hookshot use? Man, they're pulling out all the puzzle stops this time around."
"Who knows? Maybe we'll have to hammer a hookshot bomb later, while firing arrows at switches from moving platforms."
"And that's just for starters."



"So... what do you guys want to fight? The huge ferret or the... uh, orc... American football player?"
"Or a biker?"
"Let's just keep the fight.... not confusing."
"Ferret it is, then."



"Aw, poopie. We need a key."
"I... think I know what this key is going to be called."



"BUT BEFORE THAT...."
"What the hell?!"
"I got a bad feeling about this."



"Oh, it's just Tron."
"Yep. It's the 'spikes up the butt' edition."
"Guys, talk if you must, but don't stop walking. Please."



"All that just so we could blow up a wall."
"Hey, I'll suffer any pain for the opportunity to blow stuff up."
"You were the party leader, so you don't get to talk about suffering pain."
"Now, now, Guy. You're a big boy now. Just pull down your pants, and I'll put some band-aids on your ouchies."
"Hey! Jessy's the only one allowed to do the hands-on approach on this bum."
"So says the guy who was all ready to save some maidens a few towns ago."
"You studly studmuffin, you."



"OK, the egg and the ring I can understand, but... flying ax?"
"It's the axe that doesn't give a flying f-.."
"YES THANK YOU TO BE SHUTTING UP NOW!"
"Seriously, Guy. We have some language standards here. Think of the children."
"Oh, what was I thinking. They almost learned some bad words along with all the murder and sexy, sexy implications."



"Well, here we are at the top, and there's been little to no flowers yet. Remind me why they call this mountain 'Flower Mountain' again."
"Hey, don't ask me."
"You were the one who wanted to go here the most."
"That doesn't have anything to do with this!"



"The what now?"
"Well, uh... I guess it's a... plant, at least?"
"We shall unleash the full potential of potassium in our enemies diets."
"Or maybe it'll bitchslap the enemy with its bush."
"I'm... not going to touch that comment."
"Hurhur."
"Uh.... could we please forget I ever said that?"
"I don't think I can ever unsee THAT mental image."



"Oh, thank God; a place we are allowed to jump down. Kind of pisses me off that we could've done that in a lot of places, but noooo... nobody thought of actually drawing some arrows there."
"We need an officially sanctioned arrow patrol, tasked with inspecting all the surrounding landscapes, drawing arrows for people to jump down."
"That would truly be a boon for mankind. Save us a whole lot of trouble of having to think for ourselves and stuff."



"Oh, for the love of... this place needs some pest control."
"Time to pull out the weed-whacker and whip up a batch of rodenticide while we're at it."
"And what do we do with biker orc? Call the cops?"
"Nah, for that, I recommend a big can 'o vigilante whoopass."



"Hmmmm. Which body part should I cut off first?"
"Given how fancy these guys get with their swordplay, it's a miracle there haven't been any self-inflicted decapitations."
"Well, he shouldn't go around poking his nose in other people's business."



"That's still no flowers."
"At least it's plant-based."
"Until we cut it down, anyway."
"Eh, there's still some greenery around."



"Oh, Christ, not this again."
"No, there's something different about this."



"I... uh, it's a spiky labyrinth now?"
"That's just weird."
"Step lightly. We don't want our shoes perforated."
"Can we reach that door?"



"I guess not."
"Cheer up. That means we get to take the long way around."
"Oh, joy."



"So, when we appear from the side, this thing forms a different labyrinth. That's... ingenious, I guess."
"But where does 'labyrinth of spikes' fit into 'Flower Mountain'?"
"In the same boat as everything else not flower related, I guess."



"This isn't flowers either."
"That's no reason to cut it down, though."
"What do you mean? That's the best reason."



"Gah! What is this?"
"Looks like we're in for a looooot of battles."
"And the whole party's here too. Plants, necromancers, pigmen AND bignoses."
"All the better to cut off, my dear."
"Right on the nose about that."
"Maybe we should stop picking on them."
"I'll pick those noses any day."
"Dude, ewww."



"Niiiice. Someone's gonna feel the burn from this point forth."
"If you ask me, I think someone's missing the point of a sword."



"Yeah, I thought so."
"Let's jam it into the ground and see if a door grows."
"No, we need Seed keys for that."
"Of course."



"Boingy boingy boingy."
"I don't think our spines will be very grateful for this."
"Well, we can't exactly climb these small rocks."
"Why not?"
"Well, because... um... because I said so?"
"Oh, OK."



"This has got to be it. Once we enter the room, there will be flowers everywhere."
"That would be nice, because I'm getting fed up with this place."
"Hey, you were the one who wanted to go here, Randy Savage."



"We established the fact that these guys aren't flowers earlier, right?"
"Yep."
"We could always turn them into good fertile ground for some, though."
"Not sure why you'd expect flowers to grow inside a cave, though."
"Normally, I'd agree, but if eagles can find it within themselves to live inside a cave, I'm not going to take anything for granted."
"Wait, seriously?"
"Yeah, back when Tia was the only other party member, we were spelunking inside this cave. And it wouldn't be the last enemy encounter that didn't make any sense either."



"Time to start savin' with the stars."
"But first, let's refill... something."
"Yeah, I forgot what this thing does as well."



"Wait, is that...?"
"Can it be?!"
"It's a flower. But is it that flower?"



"I... guess not."
"What the hell is a 'Rogue Flower' anyway?"
"When flowers walk on the wild side. Or grow, I should say."
"It'll pick our pockets if we turn our backs to it."
"And it'll charm the panties off the ladies."
"I prefer a kingly meal myself."
"And here I thought food was the way to a MAN'S heart."
"The more you know, huh?"



"I sure hope so. Fighting flowers is kind of weirding me out."
"Tell me about it. It got particularly creepy when Selan started that 'he loves me, he loves me not' thing while cutting it down, petal by petal."
"Tell me about it. That wasn't a side of her I particularly cared to learn about."



"Well, it's... white."
"That's... not the best kind of implication, huh?"
"If you're dead set on reading too much into it; no. No, it isn't."



"So, whaddya think about that, Megaman? Sure beats any old powerup any day of the week, huh?"
"Flower Power. It's the best kind of power."
"Yeah, so I hear those damn hippies say."



"Well, that was... not the most exciting of excursions."
"At least it got us out of the house."
"What'cho talkin' bout, Willis? I don't think I've lived in a house since..."
*COUGH*
"....uh, since we went out on a new journey?"
"Ohoho, nearly stepped into the big pile there, huh, Maxim?"



"Mint or strawberry?"
"The what in the where now?"
"Strawberry, please."
"I guess that leaves mint for us guys."
"Mmmmm. Fresh."



"Morning? It's evening now."
"Uh.... oops?"
"I guess we shouldn't have cast drowsy on her so early."
"Well, them's the breaks, I guess."



"That was the general idea, yes."
"You'll get a good price because you're good people."
"And by that, we mean for free, and an elbow in the side for Maxim."
*oof* "I was just kidding."



"Well, we weren't exactly expecting you to eat it. Of course we picked it so you could grow a whole lot of them."



"That's... uh, nice. Sounds all plant'y and stuff."
"Thank God we had a boy."
"Ye-..wait, what?"
"That was our deal. If we had a boy, I could choose the name. If we had a girl, Selan got to choose."
"Insinuating something, dear?"
"Nonono. I'm just saying it's a... um... nice name. For a flower, that is."



"Well, we are clearly wasting our time being heroes."
"We all have our part to play, Maxim. Some plant flowers, while others run them through with their swords."
"Uh... Selan, maybe we should take this conversation outside."
"I'll say. Look, her eye is twitching now."


As this somewhat bizarre side quest is completed, our heroes feel they have done their part to make the world a more beautiful place. And so, the issues with the flowers and the overworked girl behind them, they are free to return to more pressing concerns.



"Oh, we were just off picking some flowers."
"And stabbing some others."
"....on second thought, I don't want to hear about it."


To be continued....

[northlander]

Chapter 18: Don't Copy That Floppy.




"Jyad is driving like a maniac."
"Of course he is. He's... A MAYUN!"
"It's the scientific way."
"The loony way, more like it."
"A man doesn't feel like he's alive until he's driven extremely expensive machinery at irresponsible speeds."
"You people seriously need to stop watching The Man Show."
"That's... just satire, you know."



"Yes, you sure are amazing at not driving that boat. Mad props for the engine, though."
"Yes, that is what I'm getting at, you terrible person. You have to take the fun out of anything, don't you?"
"Well, you're putting fun into things. Someone has to keep the balance."
"That does not make any sense scientifically, logically OR metaphorically."
"Or innuendo...ically."
"Please dear Lord, not that."
"Well, you were the one who started talking about putting things into other things, and... never mind. I'm not taking that one further."
"But you already have, daaahling."
"Quiet, you!"
"Yes, dear."
"You're... using the 'henpecked husband' response, Maxim."
"Yes, dear."
"That's... so not fair."
"No, dear."



"Deal closed!"
"Sounds like a raw deal to me, but then, I'm not a scientist genius."
"You can say that again."
"Oh, quiet, you."



"Well, there's no getting through this blockade."
"We have no choice, I guess. We have to... sail around this tiny island."
"But that'll set us back... like almost a whole minute."



"The White Whale.... it's so cuuuute."
"Ergh! It's accompanied by a Killer Whale, though. That's no good."
"Well, nothing to do but kill it, I guess. I hope the two aren't mates or something."



"Ow!"
"I'll take that as a sign that... uh, he is. Or she?"
"....."
"Gah! I can't tell the gender of these damn whales."
"This discussion turned pretty sinister all of a sudden."
"Well, THEY attacked US."



"We're about to have a.... uh, you guys alright?"
"Yeah, it's... nothing. "
"Greenpeace is SO going to have a field day all over our asses over this."



"You mean you guys are actually crossing borders? That's almost impressive by itself."
"The reasons for them doing so, though? That's... considerably less impressive."



"That's... pretty damn impressive again."
"Especially if these guys are at each other's throats."



"The what now?"
"Dear lord, let this not turn into another fetch quest."
"It's no good, Selan. This reeks of it a mile away in every direction."



"Leave it to the kids; they don't seem to give a rats poopie that the very enemy is in this castle."
"Well, it IS a very counter-productive war. It feels almost... symbolic, in a way. As does this ceremony. Or exchange or whatever it is."



"Oh, do you now?"
"Well, we are kind of looting every place we enter, so I'm not sure we should judge her for being greedy here."
"Yeah, but... that still takes a lot of work, not to mention danger. Maid-san here just want stuff given to her, though, which just rankles my chains."
"You have chains? SAY NO MORE!"
"....."



"A FEAST FOR THE ENEMY!"
"WE'VE LOATHED THESE PEOPLE ALL OUR LIVES, BUT A SMALL TRINKET WILL SET THINGS RIGHT, AND END GENERATIONS UPON GENERATIONS OF HOSTILITY AND WARRING!"



"Doesn't look like anyone here is bearing much of a grudge."
"In fact, this woman is looking a little bit too excited to serve the guy."
"She probably watched some kind of maid harem anime or something."
"Yeah, that's probably i-.. wait, what?"
"And she's apparently not the only one."
"Hey, a guy's gotta have some romance too, you know."
"Harem anime has nothing to do with romance, you dimwit."
"And let's not forget that YOU ALREADY HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!"



"No, but I got a pretty good idea where this is going."



"What is it with you girls and romance stories where the poor guy gets shafted?"
"Because we just loooove seeing you guys all miserable and stuff, that's what."
"I knew it!"
"Um... Guy. She's just being sarcastic. Besides, in those stories, the girls doesn't exactly get off any easier."
"Exactly. They don't get shafted... if you know what I mean, durhur."
"I'm not sure what you're getting at."



"Heh. Yeah, don't finish that sentence. This game only has an age rating of... probably PG-13 or something."
"Maxim, dear; the fact that we have a child is a pretty clear indication of what we've been spending some evenings doing."
"Hush now. It's fine for us to be walking around murdering various beings wholesale, but we can't say that we've been doing the horizontal polka. People might get offended."
"Yeah. We live in a stupid, stupid world."



"Yeah, that sounds like a rooom fit for a Prince. Did he enter through the back door too?"
"There's so much wrong with those two statements for the dirty mind, I don't even know where to start."



"Well, if bribes won't work, I have no idea what might."
"This whole situation so has 'impending doom' written all over it."
"Back door and all."



"Yeah, this'll be the relationship for the ages."
"And built on such a lovely foundation too."



"IT HAS BEGUN!"
"Science is also all about the cause and effect. Idiots keep talking about the ruby icon all over the castle -- icon is stolen by someone at a critical point. Quest happens."
"You have obviously studied this."
"Oh, you have NO idea."



"WELL, GEE, LET ME THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A SECOND!"
"Might as well just go up there and get it over with."



"Well, how about some big talk instead, then?"
"And if that's too tall of an order, we could always have a medium talk instead."
"Why, we've got talks in all sizes. If you like, we can even have an argument. But that'll cost ya."
"Pah! Who would be stupid enough to buy an argument."



"Well, that would be a sensible thing to do, but something tells me nobody here is that smart. So spill."



"Thieves would be most people's first bet, but since this estate is in a dire... um... state, might it be for political reasons?"
"I know, right? This place is in need of a Poirot or a Miss Marple so much."
"I... don't know about that. Do we really need any of them to deal with Bart and Berty?"
"If the two of them were this world's only problem; no, not really. However..."
"There is the matter of the Sinistrals. Never mind a certain kingdom up north."
"We're... still in over our heads, aren't we?"
"Yep."



"Well, you are the one who's practically drooling over the loot he's bringing. Doesn't exactly give the impression of altruism to me."
"If you like that ruby icon so much, why don't you marry it?!"
"Hmm. That's a great idea."
"I... what have I done?"



"What kind of thieves are you? You can't afford to get picky with the loot, you idiots."
"Hey, when you got class, you got class."
"Oh, Christ...."
"Funny thing is; I believe them. If they say they didn't take the ruby icon, they didn't take the ruby icon. Even if they somehow knew about it."



"I guess that means Bert and Barty's been here for quite sime time."
"OH, BUUUURN!"



"Well, well, well. Someone's being quite sensible."
"Damn it. I guess we'll be getting our emotional manipulation to go out on this quest."
"I prefer the word 'encouragement' myself."
"That's only because you're nice and stuff."
"Yep. Not a single speck of tsundere in you."
"Yeesh, Tia should've heard that."
"That's... probably not a good idea."



"Damn it, Maxim. Why did we have to return to these two?"
"Oh, nothing. I just had to remind myself who we're really doing this for."
"....of course."
"Well, in that case, I have a better suggestion for you."



"Well... why not? You got a swishy bridge here."



"That's because their King and Queen are hoarding dingbats, and so the demand was made."
"You would totally have thought it was worth it if you could have seen their slobbering faces, though. That was the thing hilarious, hilarious dreams are made of."



"Ohoho, aren't we precocious?"
"'This is MY country. Mine. My own!'"
"She's a little Gollum in the making."
"Actually, it was Frodo who said that."
"Oh, shut up."



"Of course it it. I mean, you guys just travel so much, don't you?"
"How the hell can they live off... how much do you guys demand for passage anyway?"
"Yeesh, and here I thought these guys had any right to be all high and mighty about looking down on that other greedy kingdom. Joke's on me, I guess."



"Yeah, we already figured that out, lady. We're just looking around for now, though."
"Normally, I'd be more a stickler for punctuality, but those assholes can sit and stew some more."
"All of them."



"Merde!"
"Well... at least it's not whales this time."
"Or Wales."
"Or Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndro-.."
"HOKAY, WE'RE STOPPING THERE!"
"But... but... Llanfairpwllgw-.."
"NOPE!"



"YES! We have... uh... a castle."
"Something new."



"Of course. I should have seen that coming. I start a business and people come to me expecting me to do all kinds of job-related stuff, and all I get it money, money, money."
"Um...."
"Yes, that's... how businesses work."
"Eh, I'm just foolin' with ya. Sure, I've been a bit swamped with work lately, but I can always take the time to do favors for friends, so... what'cha need made this time around?"



"Sounds like a lovely nation to be a part of."
"Oh, you have NO idea."
"Honestly, I wonder why we're even helping these people. Woulda felt even better if there was at least ONE person worth helping among the lot of them."



"Um... yes, and working with glass IS what you can. What's the problem?"
"Nothing, nothing. Jeez. I'll get on it right away."



"Because nobody would be able to spot the difference between glass and gemstones, right? Because one is hard rock while the other one is quite breakable if dropped, and I imagine there must be some difference in weight."
"Hey! Don't mix logic into this."



"Well... except for weight and consistency, but greedy people are probably just idiots anyway."
"Yeah. Remember that guy and the glass apple?"
"Uh... actually, I don't."
"Oh, that's right. It was right before we met you. See, there was this rich guy..."
"Who is still living in this town, by the way."
"...and he-.. wait, seriously?"
"Yeah, he's... not doing so well these days. See, the funny part in all of this is that, once people escaped his debt, they... kind of didn't want to have anything else to do with him anymore, and 'being a greedy bastard' isn't exactly the kind of skillset to survive on when you have nobody under your thumb."



"Yep. Not famous last words... at all."



"Yep, we totally didn't steal it or anything."
"Ssssh."



"Gack!"
"Bussssteeeed."
"Well, that was faster than expected."



"Eeeeh, I'm sure the King won't notice. Much less the Queen, who really, REALLY wants the icon."



"That would be nice. That way, we wouldn't have to do any token dungeons this time around. Would be a great change of pace."
"Knock on wood."



"Aw, poopie."



"Then why have you been fighting for several years already? If you had the ability to just crush whoever, what's stopping you?"
"Um... well, that's..."
"Maxim, what are you doing?"
"Could it be because either you're full of crap, or could it also be that said invasion would make you notoriously unpopular among your surrounding kingdoms? Either way, you're not big enough of a man to just do whatever the hell you please, and not noble enough to admit how selfish and asshat-ish that attitude is."
"It's the reign that keeps the mandom in check."
"This conversation is getting more and more amusing by the second."



"And it just got better. You go, Princess."
"And she's really standing up for the guy too. I think I smell the real reason why this peace thing got off the ground in the first place."



"Is he now? Did he head off to a dungeon by any chance?"
"Urgh! I knew we weren't getting away this time either."
"DAMN YOU, DESTINY!"



"Maxim, whenever we're done with the whole dungeon trek, mind if I tell this woman off?"
"Um... why are you asking me for permission?"
"Ah gots ta be a nice waifu, you know."
"I really hope you're just kidding around, because I'd hate to think your King got to you this good."
"Yes, and no. It's complicated. But never mind, I was going to give her a piece of my mind later anyway, so let's just forget I ever asked."



"I wonder about that. Sounds more like it's got the power to make people fight over it."
"I guess some people are fond of irony."


And so, the hunt for the traitors was on. Puzzled by the idea that extremely valuable trinkets didn't seem to do anything but foster greed, our heroes prepared themselves to delve into yet another dungeon in a long string of dungeons for the sake of the greater good.



"Yeah, don't feel like you have to calm her down or anything."
"Or even better; tell her to stop being such a greedy bitch. Seriously, this peace is built on the most flimsy, self-serving reason I've ever seen."
"And you can quote science on that."
"Dude's so whipped."
"Guys, come on. Cut me some slack here."


To be continued....

[northlander]

Chapter 19: Hunting for Judas, my Love.




"Did you now? You, a soldier, had problems stopping a buearucrat?"
"No wonder this world's forces are completely borked. You guys couldn't even lift a sword with both hands. Not even one-handed swords."
"I got a one-handed sword... in my-"
"STOOOOP! Don't you dare finish that sentence, pervert boy."
"Look... we know where he is. Can we please just get this dungeon thing over with now?"



"That crab sure had a bone to pick with.... whoever that was."
"Many bones, from the look of things.
"Well, at least it hasn't gone hungry for quite some time."
"Good for it, because now it's time to die."
"How is that good?"
"Well... I'd hate to die on an empty stomach."
"Apparently, at least one person doesn't know what a body does when it's dying."
"I never thought I'd ever be the one to say this, but... STOOOOOP!"
"And of all the things YOU choose not to be ignorant about...."



"And one became three."
"Well, three is the magic number."
"Don't know what that's got to do with crabs, though."
"It's quite simple, actually. You do the magic number, you get crabs. It's an open and shut case."
"....."
"You... you..."
"What?!"
"I need a shower now."
"Guy, seriously... this is the sort of thing that will instill the pavlovian urge to punch you in the teeth every time you open your mouth."
"Oooh. You so tsundere."
"That's got absolutely nothing to do with this."



"GRAAAH! HULK SMASH HUGE JAR!"
"Gotta respect the guy who approaches every hands-on physical excertion as if he was lifting weights."



"Well, we've placed our jars, and the door has been opened. Let us delve deeper into the dungeon of lies and betrayal."
"Honey, it's not fair to blame the poor dungeon for the mistakes of the douchebag who walked through it."
"I will definitely do such a thing, seeing as we're forced to walk through it."
"You've been fairly quiet so far, Lexis. You don't have any thoughts on all this?"
"Oh, don't mind me. I'm having a splendid time listening to you all. It's a fascinating experience."
"Wow! Never thought I'd ever hear someone say THAT."



"Looks like someone isn't allowed on the blue carpet."
"Not that I don't think this dungeon couldn't use some decorating, but... flowers? Somehow, I don't see this place getting much sun."
"Well, look who's become all domestic and stuff."
"Don't look at me. I had nothing to do with that."
"Besides, that's rich, coming from the guy who wanted to go trekking just to pick some."
"Hey, I'll have you know I did that solely to impress the ladies."
"Suuuuuure."
"Like I said: fascinating."
"....."
"Um...."



"Sweet desert rose, each of her veils a secret promise."
"All that and a poet too. No wonder you're so popular with the ladies."
"Which is why it's so ironic, given that I don't really have much interest in either."
"I think Tia did, though."
"......"
"Well, that turned awkward real quick."
"Yeah, it's just..."
"No reason to feel bad. She had plenty of time to act on her feelings even before the two of them met you."
"Apparently, a lot has happened before I met all of you."
"Oh, you have NO idea."



"Well, that conversation kept the fight going for longer than it needed to."
"At least those flowers are all good and plucked now."
"So, what's next on our list? That lamia in the back there?"



"Um... or Ramia."
"Is that some kind of name."
"Is she... topless?"
"This is definitely another one of those 'guess the gender and win a prize' situations, isn't it?"
"Well, lamia are supposed to be female, aren't they?"
"We're entering weird fetish territory here, aren't we?"
"Looks like this fight'll take as long as the last one, huh?"
"Ah-yup."



"Well, prepare your ankles, ladies and gents, becase we got a fairly harsh drop on our hands."
"I ain't going head first."
"Mr. Literal strikes again. Though that would be hilarious to behold, come to think of it."
"You should totally try, Guy. Seriously. I mean.. you ARE the strongest of us all, right? That's what you always say."
"Yeah, but really... I'm not sure a cranial fracture is something I want to experience again."
"'Again', you say?"
"You mean to say you've tried that before?"
"No, I mean.. yes... I mean... it's all Jessy's fault."
"Well, that's our Mr. Romance for you."
"I... could actually see that happen. And I would probably laugh myself silly too."



"And in the next episode of 'what the the hell is going on...?'"
"We got spikes, we got flowers, we got long drops and we ain't got no bridges."
"And for some reason, all the buttons are on the floor. Can you imagine the unintentional tragedy if someone was to step on the button if someone else should walk over the bridge?"
"Well... at least pooping would get a lot easier, right?"
"And a lot more disgusting."



"Well, at least mummy's here to keep us safe."
"But who's gonna save us from mummy?"
"Hey, don't turn this into some kind of Kathy Bates/Psycho crossover, you unscientific people, you."
"So, what's YOUR scientific explanation for the presence of the undead?"
"We're... uh, still working on that."
"Oh, I'm sure you are."
"Well, it'd go a lot faster if I were willing to cast all sense of ethics aside, but I'm sure you people wouldn't want me to do that, right?"
"...point taken."



"And our prize for beating mummy was a cancer rock."
"That's... a really unsettling reward."
"Particularly given what kind of enemy we just fought. I mean... we just beat the cancer out of her, didn't we?"
"I can't even make jokes about that."
"So... uh, what does the cancer stone do? Or do we even want to know?"



"It... it makes cancer attacks. I just... wow."
"How does that even... work? Why would anyone..."
"So, what does science say about this?"
"KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE?!"
"Let's just... throw that stone away and forget it ever existed. This is getting too dark even for me."



"AAAANYWAY... with that unpleasant business out of the way, let's return to crushing pottery, stomping on buttons and killing every single being we come across."
"And let's do it for science."



"Well, here's our bridge."
"Let there not be any button-stomping now, please. I don't want any piercing in my bottom."
"The potential for trolling is pretty high, isn't it?"
"If this was an MMORPG, sure."
"A what now?"
"Um... never mind. Just a little something I'm working on to assist me in my studies on addiction."
"And here you said you had scruples."



"And speaking of scruples, how about blowing up some human remains?"
"Well, how else are we going to get to the button hiding suspiciously underneath it?"
"Moving it with our hands?"
"And since when did we gain the ability to do that?"
"Um... good question."



"Well, that's... one less needle in the haystack, I guess."
"Well, I don't think I need to do an experiment to figure out that it's easier to find a needle in a pile of needles than it is to find a needle in a haystack."
"Unless you're looking for a very specific needle. Then you're just looking to get your fingers pricked. A lot."
"Well, we can't all be perfect housewives."
"How the hell did we end up on the topic of housewives?"
"I blame it on you guys and your attention span."



"The bomb wins again."
"Why does the Earth Fruit look like a pair of... uh...."
"Nuts?"
"In a sense. Is this some kind of exotic delicacy or something?"
"Solve your impotence problem with Earth Nuts."



"Mummy... we meet again."
"We will not let you stand in our way, mummy."
"Scientific study has shown that mummy always knows best, though."
"As long as she doesn't give us canceOHGODWHYDIDIHAVETOMAKETHATJOKE?!"
"It's like the slowest, most evil poison spell ever."
"Damn it, Guy. We weren't supposed to go there."
"Let's just move away from the whole thing, post haste."



"Dum de dumGAH!"
"The wall. It has an eye?"
"Well, that's not creepy at all."
"It's staring at us."



"Problem solved!"
"Well, that was easy."
"Science says; if eyes are a problem, block view. Problem solved."
"I usually go for 'poke eyes out', but I guess a non-violent solution would work for a change too."



"I guess these are the 'piles' of needles."
"I want to slap someone with a dictionary. These are rows of spikes, not piles of needles."
"Even science demands accuracy."
"'Even science', you say?"
"Well... yeah. I mean... of course."



"Well... I guess that makes two buttons."
"We're going the rounds, giving everyone the blues."



"ANOTHER bridge?"
"We can't even SEE this switch from that bridge. I wonder if I'll get a panic attack while we cross it."
"Well, we should probably mentally prepare ourselves for spikes in the butt just in case."



"That's... conveniently close."
"And mummy won't interfere. Unless SHE would like some spikes in the bum."
"Well, let's post the crab guardian here, in case mummy chooses to follow us."
"I know science has an explanation for all of this, but right now, I'm too weirded out to think of one."
"Don't worry too much about it. Just let Mr. Crab's giant man hands handle it."



*sigh* "Well, that was..."
"Pointless?"
"Yeah, that too."



"Fury ribbon?"
"GRAAARGH! ME WANT TO LOOK PRETTY WHILE GOING BERSERK! SELAN SMASH BOTH HEARTS AND BODIES!"
"Yyyeah, that's... the rather odd vibe I got from it too."
"Would you like a nice Irish folk tune to go with that?"



"Well, let's blow up some more walls and get deeper into this mystery."
"All this work just to find one traitor. And just because the bastard locked the door behind him when he passed through."
"Is that a set of extendable floor tiles? This sure doesn't feel like a trap at all."
"BUT WE HAVE TO FALL FOR IT! IT IS OUR DESTINY!"



"What the.... is that a button suspended in mid-air? That's just cheating."
"Are we gonna have to poke some eyes to get to that one?"
"And who's that fabulously dressed dude in the back?"



"Well, he's... green-ish gray."
"But with a wonderfully blonde mop on his head."
"They look like a couple out walking their pet."
"Um... what? Is this one of those yaoi things?"
"What the hell is yaoi?"
*shrug* "I dunno."



"Yep. We are good and trapped."
"Well, no better time to do something relaxing to clear my mind, then."



"Um...."
"I guess there's nothing quite like gardening and eye-stabbing to get the little gray ones working, huh?"
"That's right. So, what does your science have to say about that?"
"...nothing you'd want to hear, I'd wager."
"Oh?"
"Well... I'm pretty sure most people don't appreciate being called sociopaths."



"Well, at least we got the switch down."
"Urgh! They're NOT piles of needles."
"Yyyyeah, we're going to have to let this one go. Take your frustrations out on James, whenever we reach the guy."
"CAN DO!"



"Key chest, we meet at last."
"If only we could jump!"



"Two switches and only one pushable block?"
"RRRRIDDLE ME THIS, BATMAN! MUHUHUHUHUH!"
"It's so nice to see that you can geek out on something other than your work, Professor Doctor."
"Well, we can't all be doing the gardening/eye-stabbing combo."



"Aha, so what we do here influences the other side. Well, then...."



"And we are done with the.... *sigh* ...PILES OF NEEDLES!"
"And we're one step closer to James, let's not forget."
"Technically, we're always one step closer to James, though."
"Nono. It only counts when we do something, like flicking switches or find keys."
"Technically, no, it doesn't. But whatever..."



"Staring contest.... won."
"And look: all the piles of needles are gone."
"You're saying that on purpose, aren't you?"
"I admit it; I was. But that helped you win the staring contest for us, didn't it? That poor Lamia literally wet herself when she went up against your murderous glare. I'm so proud."
"You people are all weirdos. And that's a scientific fact."



"Hmmm. Nothing up here."
"Guess we gotta face... whatever the hell's down there."
"Down there, over there, whatever the direction is."



"Oh noesh. We are about to be asashinated."
"Look out for their dangeroush shwordsh."
"And then we musht take thoshe flying lizardsh."
"Maybe someone should take them on a dait."
"A diet? They look skinny enough to me."
"No, I meant... never mind."



"Ohoho, you couldn't escape my piercing gaze, barely visible button."
"That's pretty cruel, though. Anyone not noticing that would search themselves crazy through this whole complex."
"Yeah. There'd be no end to all the grass chopped."



"What the hell is that on the bridge?"
"That don't look like no billygoat to me."
"Maybe it's the troll living underneath. And it ate all the goats."
"That really gets my goat."
"....."
"What?!"



"That's... actually maybe the first really creepy enemy we've faced so far."
"I'm actually worried for the first time ever about what kind of attacks it does."
"It's going to gaze into our souls, isn't it?"



"Or it laugh. Manically."
"Guh! That really IS creepy."
"Good thing it missed, huh, Lexis?"
"Yeah. I dodged a bullet there. A nasty, spine-quivering bullet."



"Bah! No bridge."
"And those partial walls are blocking my arrows, even though they're technically not tall enough."



"Well, at least we could just rip away that grating and jump down."
"That just leaves the question of why there is a grating OVER solid floor? Wouldn't the water drainage leave a bit of a problem below?"
"Not to worry. I'm sure they have plenty of buckets."
"Um... that's a temporary and kind of dumb solution for this obvious design flaw."



"Well, at least we got our bridge and switch access by arrow."
"We're going all the way... to the left."



"What the..."
"Oh my God!"
"I... have no words."
"Well, someone's having a rather juvenile sense of humor."
"We're going to have to touch it too."



"Ah, well, as much as it is a shame to ruin this icon of dirty male hilarity, we really need that arrow."
"Sorry, Minecraft pecker, but that's just how it goes."



"Looks like they really rolled out the welcome wagon here."
"The return of the asashin."
"We're shcrewed, aren't we?"
"Looks like Vlad the impaler lent his impaling device to the lizard dude too."



"So, here's a question; why would the Dankirk key open a door not in Dankirk?"
"The whole land is Dankirk. Not just the castle."
"The Dankirk Dungeons. Got a nice, sinister ring to it."
"Well, I'd say it would be a better fit for a door in the castle."
"But that would mean we wouldn't be able to open this door."



"Oh, for the love of... this is some busywork to traverse."
"And of course it's filled with those creepy, laughing ghost things."
"We're not going to be able to go through this without it sounding like a sitcom with warped audio, are we?"



"I'm sure Judas here is very Gratzeful."
"I've heard these people's Gratzitude is killer, though."
"I... have nothing else. Let's just beat the guy up to within an inch of his life now."



"Well, somebody's getting into this."
"To be honest, I'm feeling pretty eager about trouncing him myself right about now."



"I couldn't help but notice that my title was somewhat less impressive than yours, Mr. Might Guy."
"Shush. Don't break my flow."



"What the f.... you take that title and shove it straight up your sexist bum, you asshole. I'm MORE than just a wife."
"Yeah. You could at least call her Magical Wife Commander Selan."
"Why does 'wife' have to be a part of it? Yeah, I know I am one, but you guys don't exactly use HUSBAND in your title anywhere."
"Well, I'm... not married."
"Me neither."
"Well, I could use it, but... it sounds kind of dumb you know."
"I know, right?"
"How about we just ditch the stupid title thing and concentrate on the problem at hand?"
"Fine with me. How about you, my dear wife."
*sigh* "Whatever, husband."



"That job sounds a little more out of reach now. Doesn't it, James Judas?"
"Let the Lord of this farce come forward. Let justice be done upon his butt, posterior haste."
"I think he failed to notice the Klause in his contract."
"The betrayer got betrayed. Quite fitting, if you ask me."


The ruby idol was reposessed, and our heroes could return to Dankirk castle, safe in the knowledge that there would be no war today. But before all that, there was still one task left.



And unfortunately for you, the King is a kinky, kinky man."
"I would expect a lot of spanking."
"That is... if you're lucky. If not, expect a lot of experiments... with the knobbly equipment."


To be continued....